to ask you all how to be less of an asshole?

[FindTheRealMe]

NC
I'm an okay person for the most part, but there's something in me that makes me a bit of an asshole at times, mainly at work, and I don't want to be like that anymore. I feel like over the years I have developed an internal 'no' attitude, and that my default is to be suspicious of people and keep my distance, when really, more often than not, it would take the same level of effort to say yes and be helpful.

I have noticed that there are members of my team who work way less than I do, but have a smiley 'helpful' disposition, whilst I come across as possibly dry and aloof but genuinely get on with the work and get shit done.

This is not a dig at my work colleagues by the way, but I have observed that there are numerous emails suggesting they'll do this that and the other, appearing super helpful and raising their profile, but even as I am reading the email I am thinking 'you won't do shit' and I am rarely wrong.

I won't publicise that I am doing my job and 9 times out of 10 I do WAY more than the expectation, without making a big deal out of it.

It would serve me well to be a little lighter but it's become such an ingrained habit, I just don't know how to reverse it.

It took me a while to realise that getting along with colleagues is a crucial part of most jobs: as important as the actual day to day tasks . Perhaps think of it like you would any other competency and set some simple , manageable goals : eg asking at least one person per day how they are doing and listening to the answer; remembering to stop what you are doing , smile and use open body language when anyone asks for help with something, even if your answer is ’sorry. I don’t have time right now, but how about x’. It may sound crass but it’s really important and it does help.

Sounds like you are talking about personal pr here - those helpful people aren't really whereas you get things done. So that's a skill you might want to hone.

Otherwise general life grinding you down and lack of personal fulfilment can manifest like this. Maybe you need a change?

Also I am an employer and I choose the kind and helpful every time. I have chosen very nice people to work for me currently (have hired a bit lately) and we have a very harmonious team. So your employers may realise you are effective but not consider that the most important thing. It may be keeping you in a job - but only just.

Maybe you should change roles where you can be challenged more? Something for you to step up to, so that you’d be the person asking for help or direction a bit more. We work best (mostly) when we can collaborate with people we respect and inspire.

You sound bored. I don’t know if that makes you an asshole but if the job is stale the maybe you need to move on up?

I actually understand you, OP. I work in a highly pressured environment and there's people around me who seem to manage to be nice and breezy while I am crushing under the weight of the work I have to do to cover their lazy arses. They're well liked, I'm not. But after 5 years at this firm, I have realized every single one of these nice sociable lovely people get fired or pushed out right before the 2 year limit.

So bosses do realize who actually does the work and eventually take action. Unfortunately it also means I work mostly with overworked arseholes like me and the environment is unbelievably toxic.

Oh and my boss is lovely and warm and kind and although I have to find work for us to do that’s a challenge I would much much rather I have a boss that is kind, understanding and let’s me be flexible in my work approach. And she has softened me overtime as I see her kindness as a real strength. But I don’t abuse is as it’s a 2 way road.

I'm not sure why you think it matters, but I'd start with not comparing how you work way harder and do more than other people. It really doesn't matter whether it's true or not - it's a poor attitude to teamwork. Everyone has their own priorities and their own way of doing things. Everyone has their own pace too. I have staff who are super fast and some things and not others. It doesn't mean that they are working harder. It means that some people are faster than others. If I had a member of staff whose approach was always "no", and was measuring how much better than they are than the rest of my team, then I'm afraid they wouldn't last long. The whole team work hard, but there's no competition as to who works harder. That simply sows dissent and that gets in the way of work.

Difficult one because you believe yourself to be right. And maybe you are do a degree, even perhaps most of the time.

But being right as you’ve found doesn’t necessarily lead to be happy or respected or liked...

Perhaps working on empathy, emotional intelligence and understanding yourself would help to lighten your general approach to life. Becoming more accepting of others differences and quirks and motivations (I’m not talking about obvious bias but the fundamentals of the human condition)

I think I became less of a hard faced cow at work when I began to open myself up to others stories and experiences and started to understand that our expectations levels and abilities and skills are different. Not only to understand this but appreciate it and value it, not just roll my eyes at someone because I wouldn’t have chosen to do something the way they did.

There’s definitely a way to be focused, respected and keep your boundaries without being an arsehole but it does take honest appraisal of your faults and a willingness to admit to them.

It also doesn’t mean you mean to be a people pleaser or a pushover.

I feel being nice and helpful are very underrated qualities but they have taken me very far in my life. I would like to also point out that I get shit done so it is possible to do both.

First thing I would recommend is to let any resentment over colleagues not doing the same amount of work as you go. This can be tricky but if you focus of your own job satisfaction and getting fulfilment for doing the job you are payed to do well this will make you a happier person. Unless they are a manager then they are someone else’s problem and I am not sure from what you have written about yourself if management is the way forward for you.

Being nice people will come to me to sort out there problems even when that isn’t my job for the day and I have built up excellent relations with people throughout all the departments and yeah sometimes we will chew the fat a bit but that has advantages. You are naive if you think people personal life doesn’t impact on their professional life so staff knowing they can come to my office and cry about their father who is dying or the abusive husband they are divorcing means they are more inclined to come into work and feel supported rather than take long periods of leave because they can’t face working with an asshole on top of everything else. So it is advantages for an organisation to have people like me but there is room for people who want to get there head down and work but don’t be a dick about it.

You don’t have to be me

You sound so much like one of colleagues I wonder if it's her!

She's renowned for being a 'no' person, and it's such a challenge to work with her that I get anxious emailing to ask something because she always has a shitty response. I'm one of the ones who is always happy to help, go out of my way to put myself forward for new projects and work beyond my role.

This sounds really trite but have you tried saying yes? How senior are you? Could you mentor or be mentored to get a different perspective?

Sorry didn’t finish last sentence.

You don’t have to be me but treat people with respect at all times.

I am reminded of the saying, "When you are up to your arse in alligators, it's difficult to remember your original intention was to drain the swamp". I'm not good with bullshit, but over they years I have realised that honey catches more flies than vinegar. Apart from MN, when I feel obliged to go head to head on a fat shaming thread, and you can't argue with stupid. Also, I have resting bitch face, as I discovered on a recorded zoom call the other night. Will have to work on being more smiley, though it sticks in the craw.

Loving the fact the op hasn’t bothered to return yet. 😂

Was a good reminder to myself tho @Bluntness100, so not entirely wasted from my pov

Dear OP, I do know what you mean but I don’t think arsehole is the term for you at all. I was similar in my previous roles and only in my last one, and when I was nearly 50, did I kind of figure out what was happening and change a little to my advantage. If you’ve been brought up to believe that routinely going the extra mile is the decent thing to do and will bring its own reward (ha ha) and that drawing attention to your own hard work and integrity or any other positive attribute is wrong and proud and will not do you any good, a situation like yours could easily ensue. The folk you describe represent the majority though and they like, as you have figured out, to work with folk like themselves. It’s much safer for one thing, for them.

All I eventually learnt to do was pick up some areas quietly that were being neglected (yes let’s work even harder but... it was worth it), own them and then become the go to person for them. Fairly obscure and dull areas but ones that get audited and that no one else seemed to care about until it was crunch time. Keep a file going on them, mentioning occasionally to senior figures. Then you get flurries of concern come audit - health and safety, financial governance, GDPR are great areas -and can produce your beautiful file of perfection. Make sure it’s got your name all over it. Your manager will want to hand it over herself but you have to stick to your guns - as far as is sensible. Definitely not a hill to die on, but “There are key points you want to explain personally” etc. I used to enthusiastically describe how supportive colleagues and manager have been, how strong existing systems are, etc and don’t think that did me any harm even though it wasn’t true.

It’s something for you to entertain. It wouldn’t be applicable to public sector as there everything is so audit focused already it’s unlikely anything is there for you to scoop up - but the set up you describe doesn’t sound like public sector.

I wish you all success. I’ve got the same mindset more or less and it is hard. So maddening when you see others wasting the firms time and getting stuff wrong, not checking their work etc, then getting promotions and special job titles because they have the knack of being the “right person”. I wouldn’t mind working with efficient robots in a fantasy environment.

Sorry for the long post.

This was actually something I was discussing in a course I am doing through work. And the general consensus was ‘assume good intentions’ as a first. Its not natural to me either, but it has helped in terms of building good relationships with people. Also, people do make mistakes, people over promise and under deliver and its not always intentional. Its a constant thing for me, but it does feel lighter to assume the best of people.

I think you really need to change your internal dialogue, otherwise you’ll never change your behaviour. Thoughts aren’t uncontrollable - you can train yourself to be more empathetic, understanding and accepting of yourself and others. I would recommend the app headspace. I use it to meditate and it has various courses on reducing anger, improving empathy, increasing acceptance etc.

You're asking people on MN how not to be an asshole?

I worked with a guy who was the asshole. He did his small bit of stuff really well but
A) was a poor manager, could not get the best out of people
B) was a shit team player, unable to recognise the strengths of others
C) generally failed to see any value in soft skills. He only really recognised written output, technical expertise etc, and couldnt understand what the "nice" types were adding was important to brand but also just that their output was different to his.
D) He didnt always see quality only quantity
E) He would shit on others objectives to achieve his own and failed to see this often left the company as a whole worse off.

He was small minded.

Are you like this OP?

Work smart, not hard.

50 percent of many jobs is appearance. Giving the right answer when needed. Being approachable. Keeping your cool in stressful situations (by taking it easy 90 percent of the time and ramping it up in the stressful 10 percent). Deliver what is important, not everything.

It sounds like nobody is counting every single task you do. So next time someone pisses you off, smile. Smile in the knowledge you are now going to do an hour of nothing. Call it cooling off if you like. Others will walk away thinking, wow OP is so cool and not phased by anything. You walk away thinking score, I just earned an hour of Mumsnet.

All that energy you save can be stored up for when shit hits the fan and tada! Super OP to the rescue just jumped in when all eyes were on her and saved the day and didn't bat an eyelid. She's so resilient, and with that heavy workload and long hours as well (be sure to always send a group email early in the morning and late in the evening. Occasionally explain you are working at full capacity and best get back to work, timed perfectly for when office bitching is starting and you need to exit the conversation before getting roped in.)

Enjoy the rest of your drama-free working life!

@CatbearAmo

So, skive?!!!!

Not sure what kind of jobs would let you get away with that.

@LadyfromtheBelleEpoque isn't that what the OP is basically accusing her colleagues of doing anyway?

She says she is working more than everyone else and nobody notices. So they likely won't notice if she works a bit less.

If they do, then they might start realizing how much she was doing in the first place and she gets the recognition she deserves. Can explain away the temporary low output with a health problem personal emergency, she just wasn't herself for a week or so. Pulled muscle, lots of painkillers but it's all sorted now. In fact, she powered through when she should probably have been off sick.

Just to clarify, I don't do this anymore because I love my job.
But I was in a similar position years ago and didn't care for my job (different company). I was on the verge of burnout so decided to take it easy and look for something else.
Got promoted that year because I had really turned a corner and was bringing a really positive atmosphere to the team.
Still left because I found something better, but I stopped working "aimlessly" after that and always make sure my work is in a visible spot.

Fake it 'til you make it.

I'm definitely not an arsehole and not a misanthrope but I do have a tendency to be a bit cynical and have a "no bullshit" approach.

I've learned, over time, that you have to keep a lid on that at work. It just doesn't reflect well. You can get away with that with close friends or coworkers who have known you for years but the vast majority of people will just not "get" it. It's become second nature now to me to do the things I initially hated: faking smiles sometimes when you're not feeling it or making nice with people you think are arseholes. You don't need to be a sycophant but just not being rude, not putting people down, including people and smiling go a long, long way.

Keep it for the pub or for when you really let your guard down. Work isn't the place for it.

Yes @thepeopleversuswork that's a very wise post. I sometimes find as well by being pleasant to people I initially think are idiots, they aren't actually idiots at all. Sarcasm is a tool best used very rarely at work and if in doubt be nice and assume positive intentions.