Do I leave my good relationship and start again at 30???

[GoldfinchWinter]

I’m 30, been with my partner throughout all my twenties. He is wonderful: kind, loyal, loving, thoughtful. I love him (I think). We have recently become engaged. But for the past year or so, I’ve been waking up every morning with a feeling of dread and anxiety. I’m not excited about the wedding - I’m fact, I feel sick when I think about it. He wants us to sell our flat and buy a house together and the idea makes me feel terrified, not excited at all. I feel often like I just want to live on my own, and keep on searching for one bedroom flats and imagining life on my own.

And yet - he’s my favourite person to spend time with. We broke up for a while before in our early twenties and I spent the whole time wanting to get back with him.

I’ve been having some counseling for anxiety this year and I don’t know if this is me just being anxious about the commitment, or whether this is a sign that I should end things. I am so worried about breaking his heart, and my heart, and about being alone forever. I know I want children one day. He would be an amazing, incredible dad. I can’t imagine life without him.

I’ve also spent a big part of this year questioning my sexuality, and have concluded I’m bisexual. I’ve talked to my boyfriend lots about this and he’s been very kind throughout this. But I’m also wondering if maybe I’m just gay, and have made a mistake all along and this is why I can’t feel properly excited about the future with him, despite how amazing he is.

I just feel so lost. I am terrified about starting again at 30, and never finding anyone even half as wonderful again. What do I do? Do I just focus on making the relationship I have work? All my friends are settling down and getting married and I just feel like I’ll be completely alone. I wish I could stop time.

Any advice from anyone who has left a relationship at 30 despite wanting kids would be so appreciated, or just any words of wisdom at all. This dread and anxiety in the pit of my stomach is just not going away.

What makes you think you might be gay as opposed to bi?

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom well I’m really obsessing over it, and wondering if this is the reason as to why I don’t feel happy about the future. I do enjoy sex with him, but looking back at other experiences with boys/ men when I was younger I don’t think I enjoyed them at all. I don’t fantasize about men or really feel attracted to men on TV etc, but have had lots of romantic crushes on men in the past, never women. So those are my reasons for feeling a bit confused, basically.

This is tricky. It's too easy to tell people to just follow their hearts. The reality is the world is a hard place and you could regret it.

I think you may need to put a pause on things until you get under what's making you anxious.

Have you talked about these particular feelings to the therapist/counsellor? When you imagine postponing the wedding, how do you feel? Can you articulate specifically what makes you feel most anxious when you imagine your wedding day, or the day you sign the papers/move into a house you both own?

It's possible he's a wonderful man you love and you "just" have a need to self-sabotage/are afraid of being happy. It's possible you really do love him but are papering over some fundamental cracks, or really do love him but also aren't suited or ready for marriage. It's possible that really this is just a wonderful friendship and you are gay. I don't know and couldn't venture a solid guess based on what you've written.

I'm gonna go there: how is your shared sex life? Do you fantasise about him? Did you have the stage where you couldn't keep your hands off him?

30 is still young OP. The terrified feeling is trying to tell you something - that there is a fundamental part of yourself you haven’t allowed yourself to explore. I think deep down you know what you have to do.

You still have time now. What you don’t want is to still feel like this a decade hence, but with kids and a mortgage and the realisation that you never fully explored who you are.

@Respectabitch thank you so much. I know I should explore the anxiety more. When I picture the wedding day, I suppose it’s the feeling of making a big, public commitment in front of so many people and then the humiliation of letting everyone down if we break up later on. I’ve even felt embarrassed getting congratulations cards for the engagement - like ‘I don’t deserve this - what if the wedding doesn’t happen?’ In terms of buying the house, it’s a similar fear of irrevocability and like another layer of cement on the future that I’m terrified of.

I think our sex life is fine - I don’t really fantasize about sex with him per se, but then I don’t really fantasize about sex with anyone else either. I don’t fantasize much. At the beginning, we were very young and inexperienced so although I craved the cuddling/ oxytocin/ being close to him, I felt very nervous during the sex itself, and wasn’t really able to relax. Since getting older though, and learning more about my body etc, I do enjoy it more.

@Woofbloodywoof this is what I’m scared of. But at the same time I do want kids, and he would be an amazing person to have children with.

The idea of there being a fundamental part I haven’t explored is so scary. How can my subconscious know this? How does subconscious even work? What part of me is trying to tell me something? As in, is it my brain? My body?

I wonder if it’s more of a mental health problem than anything about your life in per se. Could you explore that route? Perhaps ask the gp about medication to get the anxiety under control. If after having gotten your anxiety sorted you are still not sure about getting married, then you will have your answer :)

I don't really understand how you can 'think you might be gay'. But that's definately a reason to postpone marriage lol.

You say you never look at guys on tv sexually, well what about girls?

All the flat searching for a one bedroom too...think that's telling you exactly what you want tbh.

Option wise, maybe suggest that you want your own place for a bit and to postpone the marriage. Because you love him but never really got the chance to stay on your own. Maybe the space would help you figure things out.

Or go further and ask for a relationship gap year to figure things (your sexuality but obv dont tell him that) out. Of course he may not be willing to go along with this.

When I picture the wedding day, I suppose it’s the feeling of making a big, public commitment in front of so many people and then the humiliation of letting everyone down if we break up later on. I’ve even felt embarrassed getting congratulations cards for the engagement - like ‘I don’t deserve this - what if the wedding doesn’t happen?’ In terms of buying the house, it’s a similar fear of irrevocability and like another layer of cement on the future that I’m terrified of.

Okay. Well, that certainly tells me something - that you are very vulnerable to others' opinions and lack boundaries a bit. Really and truly, you don't owe anybody anything when it comes to the success or otherwise of a marriage. Marriages end, and nobody who attended a wedding feels "cheated" or let down. The only person you owe anything to is yourself, but you seem to be really struggling to put yourself on the scales as someone whose needs need to be respected and who owes herself a happy life.

What kind of counselling are you having - is it just CBT/very practical based on managing anxiety symptoms, or are you able to explore this kind of thing at all? Definitely stick with it, and if it's v practically oriented you might benefit a lot from seeing a more relational type therapist privately. If you can't afford that, journalling can be helpful. Write about your fears, hopes, fantasies, things you remember about growing up and marriage and relationships.

I would definitely consider taking the pressure off wrt the wedding and putting it officially on hold. You will have to talk to your fiancé too, and tell him how anxious you feel. It will be a hard conversation, yes, but you are still very young and it will be a lot, lot better to take your time before you make any big commitments, or for that matter breaks.

I truly don't know if it would be a mistake for you to break up with him or not, but it would be a mistake to force yourself to go through with the marriage when you feel this way, for sure. I will say that your description of your sex life feels a bit blah to me. That's certainly not proof that you're gay, but I couldn't rule it out based on what you've said, because I'm not getting vibes that you are or were ever powerfully into this man, as opposed to wanting companionship, validation and emotional intimacy.

@Holly60

I wonder if it’s more of a mental health problem than anything about your life in per se. Could you explore that route? Perhaps ask the gp about medication to get the anxiety under control. If after having gotten your anxiety sorted you are still not sure about getting married, then you will have your answer :)

I agree with this. You say you’re terrified at the idea of buying a house with him, and also that you can’t imagine life without him. It’s normal to feel anxious about taking a life changing step.

What stands out to me is that you say you can’t imagine your life without him. I think it’s very special to truly feel that way about someone and it doesn’t necessarily come by often. I agree with others about seeking or continuing with help for your anxiety first and foremost and perhaps delay any big decisions until you feel that is more under control. I hope that you feel better soon.

Sounds like you are looking for your ‘self’ and somewhere along the way she disappeared. I think the way you talk about sex with him sounds as though you are not gay but just looking for your own sense of power and direction and you see this in other women and find it attractive.

Think lots of people have been there and you may have just outgrown someone you met at 20. Did you have any fun, wild college years? Sometimes it’s the thought of freedom that is as much fun as the reality - you cannot sustain high octane wildness for ever and that’s when you appreciate the other stuff.

Sorry I thought I should add 30 is still very young though if your eventual decision was to break up. I didn’t want to suggest otherwise. X x

I don't know how much of this is your anxiety and how much is this not being the right relationship for you - and honestly, from how you write there isn't a strong indication either way. But 30 is definitely not too old to start again, if that's what you ultimately feel you have to do.

Also, separating while you still have respect and fondness for each other might hurt now, but it's a lot better than feeling trapped 10 years down the line.

You really have to look inside yourself to decide - stuff like what your friends are doing should be irrelevant.

Well, you can imagine life without him and do so by thinking about moving into a place of your own.

I also think you should seek therapy, check in on your mental health, talk through your confusion.

Something's wrong. Start with that, even if you are not sure what that thing is. Don't brush it aside and carry on as though all is well.

If you have never had a crush on a woman, it is hard to conclude that you are gay (or even bi) - I can't really see your reasoning in a logical sense, which might suggest this is an anxiety, rather than a sexuality, issue.

It is also completely normal to be wanting some space this year, everybody is feeling cooped up - even if they love their partners dearly - so wanting your own space and identity is hard to detangle from the pressures of lockdown. I'd be wary of concluding it is the relationship to blame, rather than circumstances. It sounds as if you really do love him, which is unusual on these boards.

It is easy just now, with your relationship being pretty much the biggest part of your life, to assume it is to blame for feelings of unhappiness. I would wait until you have the rest of your life back to normal to take stock and decide what the issue is. Nobody would want to commit to a lifetime of living in each other's pockets and seeing very few other people, that is normal, it is the outside world that is unusual just now.

I would focus on making your day to day life better, treating the anxiety, going for more walks, calling friends to chat etc. and not analyse yourself or worry about your future until normal life has resumed. Good luck.

I imagine you might be a bit confused and disappointed that there's no clear consensus in the responses you're getting 😁 (other than to listen to this feeling and try to understand it more).

All joking aside, we don't have the answer, you do, and I hope you get closer to it.

A question: you say you want to have DC. Would you be scared of the irrevocability, of letting people down, if you found out tomorrow that you were pregnant?

I felt similar to this before getting married. I really didn’t want a big wedding and was waking up anxious every night and dreading the day itself. I was questioning my previously perfect relationship and couldn’t understand how I’d gone from so in love to feeling this way.
I ended up loving my special day although I was unable to even fake a smile prior to walking down the aisle. 2 years on and I love my husband more than anything.
Obviously this might not necessarily be the case for you but I think these feelings of anxiety are quite normal. I’m also bisexual so I think that was an element of it.

I think you should end it, for his sake as well as yours. It's not fair on either of you.

Oh and 30 is so young!

Please don't set a date for the wedding at this point.

You need to work through your feelings, and anxieties.

Thank you everyone, I’m so appreciating these kind responses.

@Respectabitch - I started with humanistic therapy - basically lots of talking. It did help me reflect on and make connections with quite a few big things in my past, but basically it just got too expensive and I also felt I needed some actual strategies for the anxiety. I then did the NHS CBT and I’m now on their waiting list for more CBT.

If I found out I were pregnant now, I think I’d feel relief actually: sort of, ‘well, this is it - let’s make this work and enjoy the baby, and if we break up later down the line that’s ok.’ In a way, that would make me feel stronger as I know we’d be brilliant co-parents if we did break up. It’s the decision to break up now, before a baby comes along, that I’m finding so hard.

My family have also always had a slightly dismissive attitude towards marriage/ weddings - thinking weddings are a bit pathetic, and marriage is a patriarchal institution etc. which I do sort of agree with, and haven’t really worked out myself.

@LetsSplashMummy - thank you. You’re right. The lockdown is intensifying everything and the thought of being alone when we have literally lived and worked on top of each other for 9 months with no break feels like amazing freedom. But lockdown is not reality, and we normally have really busy social lives etc. Having said that, he’s been amazing in lockdown and we’ve been a great team. You’re right: I do love him. I love planning trips with him, snuggling with him in the morning, choosing recipes to cook together, going on the millionth park walk, discussing things we’re reading - he really is amazing, but I don’t understand this dread and anxiety. You’re right that I might be pinning my anxiety disorder on my relationship as that’s the biggest thing in my life at the moment. Thank you for articulating it much better than I could - I found that really helpful.

@justlonelystars oh, really? This actually makes me feel so happy to read, and I’m so happy things have worked out for you and my husband. It really is the wedding I can’t get my head around though. If you don’t mind me asking, how do you think your bisexuality contributed to your anxiety towards the wedding? Because this sounds like the stage I might be at.

@GoldfinchWinter yeah. It was horrible feeling that way tbh but I sort of rationalised the feelings I was having by comparing them to how I felt about him before if that makes sense?
I guess with my bisexuality, whilst I had had “experiences” with women I’d never had a relationship. My dad is v conservative and would never accept me having a gf which is a large part of what stopped me exploring this further. So I was wondering whether I was doing the right thing by being with a man. I’d also previously been an awful relationship that was abusive emotionally, physically and sexually. So I had all these thoughts that was I just settled for a “nice” man? It was so difficult honestly and my husband is in no way just a “nice man” but it’s difficult to extract all those feelings when everything is in such turmoil. Also worth mentioning that I am a VERY anxious person too and tend to catastrophise everything.

I wouldn't do anything while you felt like this. Just tell him that it doesnt feel right right now.