Do I leave my good relationship and start again at 30???

[GoldfinchWinter]

I’m 30, been with my partner throughout all my twenties. He is wonderful: kind, loyal, loving, thoughtful. I love him (I think). We have recently become engaged. But for the past year or so, I’ve been waking up every morning with a feeling of dread and anxiety. I’m not excited about the wedding - I’m fact, I feel sick when I think about it. He wants us to sell our flat and buy a house together and the idea makes me feel terrified, not excited at all. I feel often like I just want to live on my own, and keep on searching for one bedroom flats and imagining life on my own.

And yet - he’s my favourite person to spend time with. We broke up for a while before in our early twenties and I spent the whole time wanting to get back with him.

I’ve been having some counseling for anxiety this year and I don’t know if this is me just being anxious about the commitment, or whether this is a sign that I should end things. I am so worried about breaking his heart, and my heart, and about being alone forever. I know I want children one day. He would be an amazing, incredible dad. I can’t imagine life without him.

I’ve also spent a big part of this year questioning my sexuality, and have concluded I’m bisexual. I’ve talked to my boyfriend lots about this and he’s been very kind throughout this. But I’m also wondering if maybe I’m just gay, and have made a mistake all along and this is why I can’t feel properly excited about the future with him, despite how amazing he is.

I just feel so lost. I am terrified about starting again at 30, and never finding anyone even half as wonderful again. What do I do? Do I just focus on making the relationship I have work? All my friends are settling down and getting married and I just feel like I’ll be completely alone. I wish I could stop time.

Any advice from anyone who has left a relationship at 30 despite wanting kids would be so appreciated, or just any words of wisdom at all. This dread and anxiety in the pit of my stomach is just not going away.

I got engaged to a lovely man in my twenties but - like you - I became more and more anxious about actually getting married. I started having nightmares. Although I felt very guilty about ending things with a man who seemingly ticked all my boxes i eventually ended it. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him. It was all me.

But I felt much better once it was over and I was free.

Then, some years later I met my DH. We got engaged and I felt loved up and comfortable. On my wedding morning I felt so excited and happy. We were happily married for 15 years until he died of cancer.

We're all different and what's true for me may not be true for you. But make sure of how you feel.

I really feel for you. I think I felt similarly with my ex partner. I never had the bi/ gay angle but I think deep down I knew it wasn’t right. I had lots of strange dreams & visions about it ending. Anyway he ended up breaking up with me. I was devastated! I honestly felt like my life was over & couldn’t imagine life without him. But now nearly a decade on I am so relieved that we didn’t get married or have children as I am so much happier with my current partner. We broke up in my early 30’s so it’s definitely not too late to start again. I agree about having more in depth psychodynamic style counselling rather than CBT.

2 comments.

1. How would you feel if you and he had a tiny wedding, just witnesses and no-one else? How much if this is the big wedding? If so, then run away and do a tiny wedding, and then have a party if you want to. Interestingly, many people in lockdown have had tiny weddings, just 15 people and there have been many many positive comments about it, change of perspective. Some people are planning on a big party next year, but many aren't. It was about getting married, not the big wedding.

1. Lockdown has meant that we are in very intense relationships. In July I went away on my own for 3 days. I was fantasising about it for ages before. The relief of being on my own, no responsibilities, no decisions, no food for others to think about. Nothing. I have a great marriage, and 3 fab kids, but I really needed some space.

I would do it again tomorrow if I had a chance. Just a few days, without anyone else, just me. I lay on the sofa and dreamed of a little one bed flat with a courtyard garden, and 3 cats. Bliss. But overall, I am happy to be married (wouldn't say no to a little holiday flat by the sea where I could go to escape though! Even a shed in the garden would be amazing) I am normally an extrovert, but I have had too much people time over the last 10 months. Ironically, not enough family and friends, just too much of the 4 people I am closest too. So, could some of this be lockdown cabin fever?

It sounds to me as though you are over analysing everything. Marriage is a huge step, however much you love someone. I very much wanted a baby and I was 40 when I got pregnant, but I still felt panic when I saw the test result - I worried that it wasn’t what I wanted, that I wouldn’t enjoy it, that my life would change too much. I had felt the same just before I got married, even though I love my DH enormously. It all seemed so final and permanent. Once I’d got my head round the positive test result, the “oh well it’s done now” feeling was actually a relief, the same with my wedding. Once I had actually taken the step, I moved beyond the anxiety about it, and I am both happily married and very glad to have children.
So it could be just that you get a bit stuck, and find big decisions frightening. It could be that your family have made you feel that marriage is not a good thing. It could be that you are focusing on the negatives of marriage and not all the positives ? I actually found the whole “ well this is my person now, I have made my choice” took away a lot of stress, I had stepped forward, and it made DH and I much closer.
I am struggling to get why you think you are bi, never mind gay ? Are you putting mental barriers in place ?
Remember that there are always ways out.
Only you know deep down whether you are having absolutely normal anxieties about a big life change, or whether you feel that this isn’t the man for you. From your posts to me it seems the former, but how does me saying that make you feel ?

It sounds like this relationship is not making you happy OP. There is something in your gut telling you that it's wrong.

I left a relationship at 28 - someone I had been with since my late teens, so a kind of similar wrench, and we were good friends too. But that's all it was by that point - it was like living with my brother. I still care about him and am still in touch with him regularly.

But I have now moved onto another relationship and I am so much happier. Planning a wedding and TTC with a man who is truly right for me.

You can only get there if you take the first step. It's really hard, but sometimes it's right. It sounds like you need some time alone to sort your head out, and as much as you may want a child, bringing a child into a less-than-happy relationship is a recipe for disaster down the line.

30 is not too old - you could spend a good couple of years sorting yourself out and having your own space, and you would still not be too old to meet someone else and start a family.

Good luck.

Do you feel you have missed out on things by being in a LTR so young? living in a houseshare, on your own, having more sexual adventures and freedom, having a grand passion?

In my 30's I had several friends who were still with their first boyfriends from 6th form and felt like this in their 30's, frustrated and unsettled. (I'm mid 50's now)

One realised they had never discussed having DC with their H and were in a rut and decided to split. Both met other people and had DC within a few years. Another felt they had never been "free", they lived at home for uni, went straight home from lectures to see bf, got a job, got married. Her H was her best friend but he didn't make her heart flutter, it all felt too calm and pedestrian, vanila, she questioned if this was "all there was". She went back to uni to have a bit of a breather and met a younger guy who made her heart and head explode. She left her H, the relationship with new guy didn't last and she was on her own for a while but met someone in her late 30's and had DC, very happy. She felt she had just outgrown her first love. Another felt they had been "curtailed" and felt like an animal pacing in a cage but didn't know why. She wasn't really religious but went on a retreat to get some time away. She stayed in the relationship but decided to change career and they moved to somewhere more rural, got animals to care for and were much happier. Finally, my best friend split in her early 30's after 15 years with her bf, they had never actually lived together and the upcoming nuptials brought about a crisis. She explored her sexuality but decided she wasn't gay or bi, probably a bit asexual, not that fussed. She got an NGO job and lives in Africa most of the time, has the odd fling but is happy on her own.

I think it's great you are having counselling and exploring your feelings. It is also a strange time with the CoVid crisis and that might be playing on your psyche. Perhaps you would prefer a small intimate registry office wedding - just the two of you and 2 witnesses.You don't have to do the big day just to please others. You can do that later if you want to.

One more thing...

"I love him (I think)"

Is that enough for you?

When I think of my partner, I say I love him with no doubts in my mind.

My OH is bi didn't come out to anyone till 40, I'm the only person who knows. He spent a lot of time wondering if he was gay but being confused because was also attracted to women, fantasizing about men and regretting not having relationships with both sexes when he was younger. It really messed with his head and he still feels it's wrong for him to be bi to some extent but also feels huge relief that he's been able to be open about it now. I'm also attracted to men and women but I just enjoy it, it's one of the very few things I don't overthink for some reason.

I think you need to put the wedding on hold for now, talk more about moving and if you want to - maybe put that on hold for now too say you want to deal with your anxiety fully. I think you also need to explore your sexuality more, watch a bit of lesbian porn (I'd recommend looking for stuff that is made for women), have a bath and let your mind wonder, fantasizing is fab, be imaginative!! I'd also get some more counselling if you can to help you deal with this.

30 is young if you want to start again, it sounds like you have something pretty special with your OH though. I would put things on hold, keep working on your anxiety and exploring your sexuality through fantasy, get some counselling and see how you feel a year from now when everything is hopefully back to normal. xxx

Do not get married if you have the slightest doubt.I did and it didn't last.

Firstly I wouldn’t get married or buy a house just because you fear the consequences of backing out. Trust me, the consequences of going ahead when your heart sn’t in it are far worse, and not just for you. You won’t be saving your partner by going along with what he wants anymore than you will be if you call off the wedding and hold off on buying a house.

As for your sexuality, can I gently suggest that MN is not the best place to discuss it. This site is predominantly heterosexual and there’s some not very pleasant attitudes on here towards lesbians in particular. Rarely overt lesbophobia although I have seen it, but subtle prejudice. Not everyone obviously before anyone jumps on the fence dive, but it’s certainly a thing. There used to be a forum called Empty Closets which I found quite helpful when I came out which you could look for. I’m not sure what state it’s in if it’s still running so you might have to be a bit careful or they’ll be trying to tell you you’re really a man.

Anyway, for god’s sake don’t go getting married and buying houses if you aren’t sure. You’d be a right mug to do that and you’ll land yourself in a world of stress and grief. Think, you’re struggling to let yourself exit now, just imagine what it’ll be like with a messy divorce to navigate.

Defensive* Quite what my autocorrect was thinking there I don’t know.

It will be difficult and painful, but you have enough doubts not to buy a house together and get married. It's not fair either to your fiancee, much as it will be equally painful for them.

Wow - this is all so helpful and kind. Thank you everyone.

@SapatSea - it was really interesting to read about your friends’ experiences in their 30s. I like the sound of your friend’s life working for the NGO - that sounds appealing and exciting. I did have a bit of a wild time when we broke up in our early twenties, but did spend a lot of that time wanting to get back with him too. And never lived in a houseshare or anything, so maybe I do feel like I’ve missed out on things.

@justlonelystars - yep, chronic catastrophiser here too!

@Whatisthisfuckery - thank you. I will bear this in mind, and have a look at the forum.

@Tal45 thank you for the suggestions. I can empathize a lot with your OH - this spiral is really draining and confusing. I don’t really fantasize at all, so I know this is a good starting point. Maybe I’m scared about what it will reveal. But I want to feel comfortable in my identity as bi.

@wildraisins - thank you for sharing your experiences. It certainly would be a huge wrench, as this is someone I’ve grown up with and I do love. The ‘I think’ bit is more I suppose due to the fact that I seem to be questioning absolutely everything at the moment. I’m so glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy now though.

Breaking away from the wedding for a moment - it sounds like you need time to discover your as a person. You've been with your dp for a good majority of your youth, which maybe has meant you havent had time to explore who you are, not only sexuality wise but just in general. And then maybe the wedding is adding a time limit and pressure to this, since a commitment can seem like a finishing line. I would take a massive step back, be open and honest with your dp about the way your feeling so he doesnt get excited and inevitably end up more hurt. It sounds like you two have good communication. If he loves you he will respect and understand the fact that you need time. All the best op

I was talking to a friend recently. She has just come out as gay, and she was telling me a bit about it. (she is quite young, now 20)
She said something that really struck me and stuck in my mind.
She had had a serious boyfriend who was besotted with her, and then she left him and came out as gay. Her comment was - it was so attractive to be in the 'normal' zone, to do what is expected, to fall for a nice guy. So easy, so much simpler than going against the norm, so much more straightforward with my parents - for a while, and then it became so hard not being true to myself.

I was so struck by that idea, that it is, for a while, easier to be 'normal' and so much harder to go against the flow. And I felt it explained so much, for her and for others.

Hi OP

I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound exactly like me at age 29 (now 41). I however went through with the marriage for it to only end a year later which was even harder and messier. I remember watching Eat, Pray, Love and just crying my eyes out because it was exactly how I was feeling.

30 is definitely not too old to start again, I met my now partner at 32 (don’t think I’ll actually get married again after the trauma) after my divorce and now have two children. 30 is young, you have the whole life ahead of you and things to explore should you want to.

Trust your gut, I wish I had!

I do think it's interesting that you don't have any panic about the idea of committing to, or letting down, a child, which is a much more irrevocable commitment than marriage or housebuying. Also that you sound almost more attracted to the idea of co-parenting with your DP platonically than marrying him.

I could be entirely wrong on this, I'm not a professional and like everyone I come to this with my own biases. But the way you describe your DP sounds to me a bit more like a teddy bear and a security blanket than a romantic partner. I can easily believe that you wanted him back terribly after you split without necessarily believing that that means you should marry him now. I did have a moment of "oh fuck what have I done" when my then DP proposed and I said yes, but it lasted about 5 minutes (and also when I got pregnant, that lasted a bit longer!) but as a PP said, I would never have had to append "(I think)" to "I love him".

I would have to agree with @Whatisthisfuckery that MN can be very... heteronormative. (I'm bi too, as it happens, although happily married to a man.) Presumably you have been feeling sexually attracted to women recently, or you wouldn't have concluded you are bi? Is there a reason you haven't spoken of those feelings at all on this thread? Female celebrities? Women you know?

Good luck.

Might be worth looking at Sheryl Paul's conscious transitions/relationship anxiety content.. may offer an alternative insight into your anxiety as an alternative to the "doubt means don't" view.

Leave. He’s not the one to spend the rest of your life with. Not fair on him or you.

Look at the marriage vows you intend to take and ask yourself if you will keep them. If not, you shouldn't marry your partner however lovely he is.

I wonder if this is partly to do with your sense of self, who you are outside a relationship you have been in since you were young. You seem very concerned about what others think and don't trust your own gut or opinions. I don't have any real advice but I would say psychodynamic therapy/gestalt therapy might be useful as a safe way to explore feelings and options.

I started again at 35. Having got married and had 2 kids. I felt trapped and suffocated. I'd been to therapy, changed jobs, my appearance, our house. All external things which didn't stop me being miserable. Our sex life was meh. He wasn't a great person to be fair and got worse after I left. I also questioned my sexuality.
Turns out I was just unhappy with him. I'd grown as a person in the 10 plus years we'd been together and he really hadn't. Shouldn't have settled with the first half decent bloke I met in my 20s.
3 years later I'm with a man I adore and who adores me. My eyes don't wander at all. Our life isn't perfect, trying to blend 2 families and expecting a baby. But I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. For the first time I feel incredibly loved and he's a wonderful human being, mostly lol.
You have to do what's right for you. Better to start over than be unhappy, regret staying and not giving yourself a chance to get to know who you are x

Hi, I felt physically sick outside the church before my wedding. There was something not quite right about my relationship but I felt so far down the track for the wedding - people had travelled from abroad etc I felt I had to go through with it.

I was 31 and though this was my chance to have the family I wanted. I didn't think I could find someone better or atleast without the issues my soon to be husband had.

After one year the small doubts I had were now big problems - after 5 years we separated but actually I wanted to go at 3 years but lots of reasons why I didn't etc.

So with hindsight I wish I cancelled the wedding.

So fast forward to now. I left husband at 36, met a new wonderful man the following year who I love to pieces and I am now towards the end of my pregnancy of our 2nd child.

There have been some pretty tough times but we are coping and thriving happily together

OP I really feel for you too and I don’t think I have any amazing advice for you but the early reply saying maybe not to follow your gut because ‘life is hard’ made me really sad. Please don’t stay with someone just because you might not do better or because you don’t want to be alone. Especially not when you’re only 30.

I broke up with a long term partner at 30, although that relationship was most definitely not a good one. I met someone else six months later. I’m 36 now and he’s my husband, we’ve just bought our first home, and we are trying for a baby. I’m a pretty anxious and indecisive person myself and I can honestly say I didn’t have any doubts in my mind at all about marrying him. If I’d married my ex though I am certain I would have felt the way you’re feeling now.

You’re not me and I’m not saying ‘break up with him’ for sure but I just want you to know that your life is most definitely not over if you find yourself ‘starting again’ aged 30. Your gut is telling you something and I think you should listen. Whether that’s about your relationship, your sexuality, or something else I don’t know, but I really hope you can take the time to think it over, discuss it with your partner if you can, and be honest with yourself. Please don’t just squash it down and tell yourself you’re being silly because that really is just a recipe for unhappiness further down the line.

@Pantheon - I think you’re right. There is more I need to discover about myself. I feel very lost.

@Respectabitch - yes, it’s been more a realization that I am sexually attracted to women’s bodies (tv, magazines, adverts etc) and hasn’t really noticed before. Also, a feeling of wistfulness when I see same sex couples and wondering ‘what if...?’ But I haven’t really had a crush on any specific women or female celebrities per se.

@Mvshrln - thanks. I’ve just had a look. It looks interesting. Trying to work out if there’s a religious agenda to her stuff but there doesn’t seem to be.

@welshladywhois40 - this story resonates. The thing is, I do feel so completely loved by my partner and I worry I will never be loved by anyone again like this. It’s just a devastating feeling trying to think of life without him.