Do I leave my good relationship and start again at 30???

[GoldfinchWinter]

I’m 30, been with my partner throughout all my twenties. He is wonderful: kind, loyal, loving, thoughtful. I love him (I think). We have recently become engaged. But for the past year or so, I’ve been waking up every morning with a feeling of dread and anxiety. I’m not excited about the wedding - I’m fact, I feel sick when I think about it. He wants us to sell our flat and buy a house together and the idea makes me feel terrified, not excited at all. I feel often like I just want to live on my own, and keep on searching for one bedroom flats and imagining life on my own.

And yet - he’s my favourite person to spend time with. We broke up for a while before in our early twenties and I spent the whole time wanting to get back with him.

I’ve been having some counseling for anxiety this year and I don’t know if this is me just being anxious about the commitment, or whether this is a sign that I should end things. I am so worried about breaking his heart, and my heart, and about being alone forever. I know I want children one day. He would be an amazing, incredible dad. I can’t imagine life without him.

I’ve also spent a big part of this year questioning my sexuality, and have concluded I’m bisexual. I’ve talked to my boyfriend lots about this and he’s been very kind throughout this. But I’m also wondering if maybe I’m just gay, and have made a mistake all along and this is why I can’t feel properly excited about the future with him, despite how amazing he is.

I just feel so lost. I am terrified about starting again at 30, and never finding anyone even half as wonderful again. What do I do? Do I just focus on making the relationship I have work? All my friends are settling down and getting married and I just feel like I’ll be completely alone. I wish I could stop time.

Any advice from anyone who has left a relationship at 30 despite wanting kids would be so appreciated, or just any words of wisdom at all. This dread and anxiety in the pit of my stomach is just not going away.

Yes, gay or bi.

@Nunoftheother - are you happy you decided to end the relationship though, or do you regret it? This is what I’m worried about.

I'm not entirely sure. I certainly wish I hadn't spent my thirties and half of my forties single, but that's hardly the same thing. Anyway, how I felt then, or feel now, is no indication of how you will feel.

One thing you mention is that your partner doesn't annoy you. Mine was certainly getting on my nerves by the time I left, which was one of the reasons I felt I didn't love him enough to get married.

@Respectabitch

But OP asserted this and not that she has sexual feelings for both on that sentence.

Nowhere have I seen OP mention sexual feelings for her partner or men.

OP, have you ever had sexual feelings for a man?

OP. I haven't left a relationship at 30 as per that specific question, but...

I have stayed in relationships through mounting anxiety. I got married despite clear dreams instructing me not to, and left a few months afterwards. I later had a baby with a man even though I was having huge panic attacks when I was with him. I have actually continued in several relationships with huge panic coming from not wanting to! So I recommend telling him all about it and asking if you can hold off all plans whilst you work out the source of your anxiety.

Maybe you just want to live alone? Cohabiting isn't for me and the idea of moving in with someone would make me feel anxious and shitty, no matter how much I loved them.

I did exactly this. My ex was my childhood sweetheart, we were together for most of our twenties, he was my next door neighbour growing up etc etc.

It was a perfectly good relationship, but just before hitting 30 I thought "is this it?" and ended it. We weren't married but owned a house together.

Not going to lie - I massively regretted it. I asked for him to take me back and he wouldn't. But we couldn't let each other go and always stayed close friends, even after we both met other people.

He then asked for me back but by then I was with someone new and had decided to give it a go with them. I was never sure if this was the right thing to do and not sure how it would have panned out. Sadly my ex was killed in an accident so that sort of put an end to things and decided for me.

I am very happy with my "new" partner (it's been 10 years now) and he is a very different person to my ex. We have a great relationship so I can't say I regret leaving. But I also think the grass isn't always greener, and there's a lot to be said for stability and gentle love - even at 30. I think I jumped ship unnecessarily.

I don’t think interrogating the OPs feelings of sexual attraction are helpful on this thread. The OP will need to work that out for herself in time. OP probably doesn’t yet know the extent of her attraction to either sex and may even be interpreting feelings wrongly. It may take a long time for her to fully understand her sexuality.

The first and last advice anybody should be offering is for the OP to hold off on any commitments until she feels more certain.

Wow where to start, I could write you an essay... in short, I was you about a year and a half ago. except I'm 30 now, we split when I was 29

I'm at work so can't write too much, but I will say noone can make this decision for you. There is also nothing more powerful than truly feeling at ease with you, yourself and how you approach life. I left him (amicably and we actually still talk occasionally. he likely will always be a part of my life but just to lesser extent over time). I feel so amazingly at peace with myself and feel like I have grown so much as a person to the point I dont have these big existential crises that I think you're describing (I used to when I was with him). I actually met someone without intending to, who did make me feel all those things that I didn't have with him. We've only been together a year but the thought of marriage to him one day doesn't terrify me like it did when thinking about it with my ex of 10 years, in fact I actually would love to be his wife (it may not happen that way, but I know I can;t control that so I'm relaxed). I remember when I broke up with my ex I was worried about my age and my friend said to me that things are different at this age, over your 20s you were growing so much but now when you meet someone right things will happen faster and fall into place quicker and you won't need those years and years that you had you had with your ex that seem irreplaceable and that you think you need in order to achieve that level of closeness again. She was right.
However, I also can't guarantee that you will meet someone.

But for me, being with someone as a second place or because you're scared of being alone or not having children is not fair on them but most importantly not fair on you and your happiness and fulfillment.

I now know I am truly happy and confident enough in who I am to be happy with or without a partner, with or without children. Ironically, that is probably why my current relationship is going so well and why I maybe might have a happy marriage and children in the future....or not. who knows. Only you will go all the way through life with you. Don't let your happiness depend solely on a husband and children

Like I said, I'm working but feel free to message if you want to chat to someone who's had a very similar experience