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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner not sharing responsibilities

52 replies

piinkmarshmallows · 04/01/2021 01:28

Married, DC nearly 2. He works from home (part time since recently), I'm a SAHM (plan to start working in summer/early autumn).
Whenever he have argument (which turns into a fight), he stops looking after DC at all for days and stops talking. (On normal days it's 1-2 hrs a day).
I couldn't care less if we don't talk, but I argue that it shouldn't mean he stops being a parent. He says that's how he punishes me, as I don't learn any other way.
Anyone at all thinks this is ok? Yes I am a SAHM but he should spend time with DC when he is free too

OP posts:
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 04/01/2021 01:33

That's so abusive OP. Really not normal behaviour.

Wheresyourclapham · 04/01/2021 01:37

No, it is not okay and is definitely abusive. He is also punishing your DC.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2021 01:38

Nothing about your marriage is normal. It is fucking awful. Don't subject your child to this dysfunction.

africanantelope · 04/01/2021 01:38

This is not ok and not normal behaviour for an adult. Serious red flags would be waving for me

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 04/01/2021 01:38

Next argument, pack his bags as a "punishment"?

Separateatone · 04/01/2021 01:42

That’s absolutely disgusting. And tells you exactly how he will behave when you split up, which you will. What a cunt.

Terracottasaur · 04/01/2021 02:13

Normal people don’t punish their partners. He’s an abuser.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2021 02:20

He says that's how he punishes me, as I don't learn any other way.

Start planning for your divorce. As quickly as you can.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 04/01/2021 02:22

He says that's how he punishes me, as I don't learn any other way.

Who the fuck is he to punish you? You are not a kid.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 04/01/2021 02:23

What an absolute shit. The behaviour would be bad enough on its own, but the fact that he admits to doing it to punish you is appalling. He has no respect for you.

When (not if) you split up, he will use the same tactics to keep you in line re access, so try to get some reliable childcare in place so that you don’t rely on him for anything. He will let you down and dodge his responsibilities so you’ll need to get child support payments through the CMS so he can’t wriggle out of it, and have a clear plan via the courts for access arrangements so that it’s all in writing in case he tries to push for Lower payments without doing his share of childcare.

Honestly he sounds awful. Do you and your DC a massive favour and leave his sulky ass behind.

Monty27 · 04/01/2021 02:24

OP wash that arsehole right out of your hair.
He sounds vile

katy1213 · 04/01/2021 02:29

Another pathetic little man throwing his weight about. Leave him, he won't learn any other way.

Notimeforaname · 04/01/2021 02:44

Christ, you cant seriously put up with that. Cant you see how abusive that is? Why does he think its his job to punish you ??!

AgentJohnson · 04/01/2021 05:17

It is never ok for him to stop talking to you as punishment.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship with an immature bully, then don’t be. This is who he is. Is this the type of relationship you want to model for your son? Is this the type of abuse that you want your son to accept or receive?

There’s nothing that you can do to stop him behaving this way, your responsibility begins and ends with limiting you and your sons exposure to it and that’s going to be very difficult if you are living with it.

Weenurse · 04/01/2021 05:42

Punish you for what?
Reasonable couples talk about disagreements, they don’t punish each other.

Socksey · 04/01/2021 05:50

He punishes you so that you learn???? Wtf 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I think you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with this guy....

Shoxfordian · 04/01/2021 06:15

Nobody thinks that’s ok
It sounds really abusive

Uhhuhoyaye · 04/01/2021 06:59

He shouldn't be punishing you. He shouldn't be ignoring his child.

But you should care if you dont talk. That is no way to live. Do you punish him with the silent treatment or by ignoring him?

I suspect that you both need to start talking and listening to each other rather than just shouting at each other and then ignoring each other. Marriage requires compromise. It is not an exercise in getting your own way all of the time.

Seeingadistance · 04/01/2021 07:12

@MrsTerryPratchett

He says that's how he punishes me, as I don't learn any other way.

Start planning for your divorce. As quickly as you can.

Agreed.

This is seriously fucked up and will not get better, only worse.

Godimabitch · 04/01/2021 08:17

He actually tells you that he's deliberately punishing you otherwise you wont learn?!

Er get rid! And get his childcare requirements court ordered so he can't just refuse to look after them after any perceived misbehaviour from you.

BlueSuffragette · 04/01/2021 09:23

OP he is an abusive dick head. He doesn't care for his own child to punish you? That is so not right. You need to leave this abusive relationship and think long and hard about whether he is a fit parent to have any contact with your child in the future. I would be scared about what he may do to teach you a lesson. Get out asap and divorce him asap.

LouHotel · 04/01/2021 09:28

OP do you have access to family money as a SAHM. I would start planning to leave and expect this man to make it very difficult. If you dont have a fuck off fund, think about expenses you can cover now prior to leaving. (Buy the next size up clothes for your toddler for example)

Aprilx · 04/01/2021 09:29

I am deeply disturbed at the comment “that is how he punishes me, I won’t learn any other way”.

This is abuse and you need to leave him before it escalates.

Veterinari · 04/01/2021 09:33

He says that's how he punishes me, as I don't learn any other way.

You're an adult - it's not his place to punish or teach you - he's your partner not your boss.

Also he clearly knows fuck all about 'teaching' if he thinks withdrawal and punishment is effective. So he's an idiot as well as a prick.

He's emotionally abusing you and your child and doesn't see you as a partner but as a possession to be trained.

Fuck. That

YoniAndGuy · 04/01/2021 09:33

He says that's how he punishes me, as I don't learn any other way.

Time to punish him by leaving him allll on his own - forever. I have a feeling that he won't learn any other way...

Honestly, he's an abuser and a controller. It won't improve. Get out now.

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