Partner not sharing responsibilities

[piinkmarshmallows]

Married, DC nearly 2. He works from home (part time since recently), I'm a SAHM (plan to start working in summer/early autumn).
Whenever he have argument (which turns into a fight), he stops looking after DC at all for days and stops talking. (On normal days it's 1-2 hrs a day).
I couldn't care less if we don't talk, but I argue that it shouldn't mean he stops being a parent. He says that's how he punishes me, as I don't learn any other way.
Anyone at all thinks this is ok? Yes I am a SAHM but he should spend time with DC when he is free too

This is one of these where the OP won’t come back as she didn’t expect for his behaviour to be interpreted in the way it has.

Seriously? He punishes you? He neglects his children because it's the only way you'll learn (to be a surrendered wife)?

This is really fucked up, you do realise that don't you?

I actually swore out loud when I got to the "this is how I punish you" line.

As with all other PP, this is not even vaguely normal. You should get out as quickly as possible as this sort of behaviour will not change and will only get worse.

I hope this is a troll post as this awful in so many ways

He is being abusive.
If you don’t mind me asking, what are your arguments usually about?

Because I’m going to take a wild guess that as you are a SAHM the arguments are about him not pulling his weight. He feels like you need punishing so you don’t ask him in the future.

Punish you? To make you learn? He's an entitled abusive twat.

@Separateatone

This is one of these where the OP won’t come back as she didn’t expect for his behaviour to be interpreted in the way it has.

Hope not

See this through our eyes OP. It's abuse.

Thanks everyone. @Separateatone I know perfectly that is the interpretation I would get, that's how i interpret it myself. The Covid situation, me and DC having different citizenships, me having no one here, makes it complicated but I'm certainly leaving, writing here to vent I guess?
I will need to ask my family for money to leave (tickets, visas etc), and money to pay for divorce.
I've been dumb enough to waste all my money on wedding, baby stuff, house stuff etc

@Scolha

Because I’m going to take a wild guess that as you are a SAHM the arguments are about him not pulling his weight. He feels like you need punishing so you don’t ask him in the future.

Spot on

What do you mean different citizenships?!

Can you leave with DC?!

@YoniAndGuy

What do you mean different citizenships?!

Can you leave with DC?!

Dc was born here, need to apply for a visa to leave with her. Here I have no where to leave to.

Can you say which country you are in? I had a similar situation with an abusive ex living out in the Middle East. Turns out I didn't need a visa to leave but I did need his permission (don't get me started) so it took some negotiation and string pulling

@jeaux90

Can you say which country you are in? I had a similar situation with an abusive ex living out in the Middle East. Turns out I didn't need a visa to leave but I did need his permission (don't get me started) so it took some negotiation and string pulling

I am in the UK. My family is abroad. Over here no friends no family. I don't want to go to Women's aid (because we are being very careful re corona)

You need a visa for your child to go to where your family are?

You will need a signed letter from him to travel with your child. Even though I haven't seen my DDs father in 8 years I still get asked for a permission to travel letter and also proof I am her mother.

He says that's how he punishes me, as I don't learn any other way

Who made him the boss of you???
Fuck that.
Get your ducks in a row and get away from him

Check with an immigration charity or Women's Aid for the CAB about your legal ability to leave with the children. If your home country is Hague Convention you won't be able to just leave. Sorry.

You can speak to women’s aid on the phone. Can you call them while he’s working? Go out with your child and do it if you have to?

There may be people who can help you if you look, even though you have no family here. There are several local charities in my very small village who can help with money and assistance, what they offer has really ramped up since covid started as sadly so many people are in very tough situations right now.

Do you have a health visitor?

It’s good your family can help with money.

It sounds terrible.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Check with an immigration charity or Women's Aid for the CAB about your legal ability to leave with the children. If your home country is Hague Convention you won't be able to just leave. Sorry.

Thank you. I will do that

@AnneLovesGilbert

You can speak to women’s aid on the phone. Can you call them while he’s working? Go out with your child and do it if you have to?

There may be people who can help you if you look, even though you have no family here. There are several local charities in my very small village who can help with money and assistance, what they offer has really ramped up since covid started as sadly so many people are in very tough situations right now.

Do you have a health visitor?

It’s good your family can help with money.

It sounds terrible.

When we are out for a walk tmr I will give them a call. Thanks for the idea

@jeaux90

You need a visa for your child to go to where your family are?

You will need a signed letter from him to travel with your child. Even though I haven't seen my DDs father in 8 years I still get asked for a permission to travel letter and also proof I am her mother.

Thanks for sharing your experience. What do you do when asked for permission? Does he give it to you each time you travel?

If you mean that you intend to go home with your child, then I'm sorry but you are going to have to get his permission, and I assume he won't give it?

It's also no good going 'for a holiday' and then not coming back - that's what the Hague Convention is for. He can report you as having abducted his child, and as the child is resident in the UK, you will be made to return them.

You need advice, argently, legal advice. Worst case scenario - if you end up leaving and he changes his mind/insists on the child's return, and you don't have a clear right to remain, you could end up with your child stuck in the UK and you abroad.

However, you have every right to leave him, within the UK, and live separately within the UK. You say you can't do that - but, it could be the only way you can eventually take your child with you to go home.

He doesn't sound like a good or involved parent - if you leave, forge a life without him, I can imagine that he would possibly move on and lose interest.

I asked him once about 6 years ago to send me a signed letter after that I just faked it.

It's never been questioned.

In fairness I've only been asked to show the letter once in several years of travelling with her but they do always ask for a birth certificate.

I was so exasperated when entering Holland with her once (to see her paternal grandparents) I told the guard I didn't have a letter because she hadn't seen her father in 5 years, that he's an asshole and he lives in the Far East. He waved me through. (They checked the birth certificate though, they have to to make sure you aren't trafficking kids)

One of the saddest things I’ve read on here.

What an awful, toxic waste of oxygen this man is.

Please seek help to be able to leave him ASAP, even if that means staying within the UK for the time being. There is help out there for domestic abuse - and make no mistake, this is emotional abuse designed to give him control over you.

Evil bastard.

I’ve read some bad things on here but that’s terrible. I could not be with someone who uses my child to punish me. Or someone who intends to punish me at all. I’d think very careful about your future with this man. This is clear abuse