Annoyed about my mum's confession

[wheelsonthebus21]

My mum told me out of the blue that she is adopted and that my grandparents who I love dearly are not biologically related.

She didn't mean to tell me, and only let it slip during an argument. I also think her mental health was not at a good place at the time.

Not sure if she made it up or not, and cannot check with anyone else as no one who is still around would know. Feeling very confused and somewhat angry that this was kept from me all this time. AIBU?

It's not your thing to be angry about.

You have grandparents who love you and love your mum. Biology doesn't even play a part.

In short - I don't actually think it has anything to do with you! Sorry if that seems harsh.

YANBU, that's a major revelation! Why would she make it up?

To be fair it impacts her more than you, id be more
Concerned with how she is. If she hasn’t told you I suspect she hasn’t mentally dealt with it.

Does she have a history of making things up?

You must be in total shock and feeling angry is totally normal. You will feel all sorts of things in the the coming weeks.

You’re angry your mum was adopted?

Them being your adopted grandparents or biological grandparents is irrelevant imho. There love for you is the same.
My step nan was much more of a nan than my father's mother ever was and we had no biological link.
Id worry more about the state of your mums mental health if she threw this at you during an argument. Is she usually like this? Could it be a lie?

Your relationship with your grandparents doesn't have to change. Perhaps you could talk to them if you're very close?

Your grandparents and your mother chose not to tell you, they had their reasons. Perhaps it just wasn't something they felt you needed to know? Infertility was quite a shameful topic years ago.

You mum may have her own issues around her adoption, she is human after all. Cut her some slack.

I'd probably be angry too. I think it's a common reaction to finding out sudden, unexpected news.

www.freebmd.org.uk/ may be useful to you, depending on what info you have available.

@PotteringAlong

You’re angry your mum was adopted?

I am angry that she uses this fact (or lie) to hurt me during the argument. She knows I love my grandparents dearly and that I would be in some shock to know we are not related.

And no it won't make me love them any less.

Gently, I don't think your response is particularly logical. You weren't adopted - she was. My mum was adopted - I found out some time in my teens, but other than being fleetingly interested, it is really nothing to do with me and has no impact on my life.

I understand being shocked at finding out, but don't be annoyed at your mum.

Can you ask your grandparents if it’s true?

But you are related. If she is their child they are your grandparents...

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

To be fair it impacts her more than you, id be more Concerned with how she is. If she hasn’t told you I suspect she hasn’t mentally dealt with it.

She has always known she's adopted, according to what she said. And she was very much loved and had a great childhood. The adoption didn't bother her a bit, she even joked that my grandparents might have had fertility problems hence the adoption.

Then again, these are all info from that one argument. Not sure how much is true, how much isn't.

It's crazy people hide this type of thing , it's not somethjng to be ashamed of, embrace it (not you, your family)

I can see this being upsetting out of the blue. I don't know why she didn't tell you earlier. But instead she weaponised it. YANBU.

@SmileyClare

Your relationship with your grandparents doesn't have to change. Perhaps you could talk to them if you're very close?

Your grandparents and your mother chose not to tell you, they had their reasons. Perhaps it just wasn't something they felt you needed to know? Infertility was quite a shameful topic years ago.

You mum may have her own issues around her adoption, she is human after all. Cut her some slack.

Unfortunately my grandparents passed away almost 20 years ago. I am now a mum of 2 children myself!

To use this revelation against you in an argument was cruel. Feel however you want to feel, it will take some time to process. The records office may give you some clarity if you’re unsure whether it is true or not.

@PotteringAlong

But you are related. If she is their child they are your grandparents...

Not biologically, which can make a difference medically, for example.

The idea that adoption bothers her "not one bit" especially given you reference mental health in previous post is astonishing. If she didn't even tell you she was adopted until now, then you have absolutely no way of knowing how she truly feels. Even those who end up with loving parents almost always report some feelings towards the adoption. How could you not?

I appreciate its a shock but it effects you very little.

And well, if it's a lie then there's definitely bigger issues at hand. Could your mother be having a breakdown?

YANBU to be annoyed/upset that she used it in an argument as a way to upset/hurt you. In this instance she was a dick. Yes,adopted children can be dicks too. I should know, I am one .

However that does not change who your grandparents are, how much they loved you,the relationship you had etc.

I’ve been in the same position as you, although my mum found out she was adopted at the same time, and YANBU at all. It’s a huge shock and feels like a betrayal as well as dealing with the grief. Unless you have experienced this it’s very difficult to fully comprehend what this does to you. It’s very easy to say relationships don’t have to change but truthfully they do, some for the better and some for the worse.

Hope you’re ok OP.

This sounds like you think she’s lying and trying to hurt you, rather than there being a problem with her having been adopted. You could get a copy of her birth certificate. It’s public record, so £11 from the General Registry Office. It will be on there if she was adopted or not.

Suppose 'annoyed' is a strong word, I am more shocked if this is true. I keep recalling snippets of memories like when I was young, someone would comment I look a lot like my grandma or I am tall like my grandpa. In those moments, no one said anything, but then again why would they if it's supposed to be a secret.

@Hollyoakswatcher

I’ve been in the same position as you, although my mum found out she was adopted at the same time, and YANBU at all. It’s a huge shock and feels like a betrayal as well as dealing with the grief. Unless you have experienced this it’s very difficult to fully comprehend what this does to you. It’s very easy to say relationships don’t have to change but truthfully they do, some for the better and some for the worse.

Hope you’re ok OP.

Actually no they don't always and they don't have to either.

It's good for OP to know there are several ways to deal and accept this and that her feelings are valid whichever way she ends up feeling once she deals with this.

I can see it might be upsetting, but can equally see your mum might have very good reasons for keeping it quiet. But not great she told you during an argument. Why do you think she made it up, is she generally odd like this?

Anyway, I think that unless it was an unofficial adoption (where your gps just registered her as their biological child) you can probably find out by looking for her birth cert. I might be wrong but you could contact a genealogist and ask.