Annoyed about my mum's confession

[wheelsonthebus21]

My mum told me out of the blue that she is adopted and that my grandparents who I love dearly are not biologically related.

She didn't mean to tell me, and only let it slip during an argument. I also think her mental health was not at a good place at the time.

Not sure if she made it up or not, and cannot check with anyone else as no one who is still around would know. Feeling very confused and somewhat angry that this was kept from me all this time. AIBU?

I think you are. Its her story to tell and its unlikely to be one she was raised to be comfortable with by the sound of it.

@wheelsonthebus21

Suppose 'annoyed' is a strong word, I am more shocked if this is true. I keep recalling snippets of memories like when I was young, someone would comment I look a lot like my grandma or I am tall like my grandpa. In those moments, no one said anything, but then again why would they if it's supposed to be a secret.

They don't especially if it's hidden.

I've been told all my life I look like my dad(part of the reason why I was "picked " 😬), I even have the same speech issues as him which is a family trait. There was never an inkling that I wasn't theirs.

DD has my mum's nose , which is impossible of course. But it does look like hers and not like mine/OH's.

I think if it's true you are entitled to be angry she kept a secret from you, but It's hers to tell. If she didn't feel comfortable, hadn't come to terms with it, but ultimately she obviously had a reason to keep it from you and I think you need to put your anger to one side (for now) and discuss it properly

@Disfordarkchocolate

I think you are. Its her story to tell and its unlikely to be one she was raised to be comfortable with by the sound of it.

It might be her story to tell, but that doesn't mean she can use it in an argument to hurt OP. Particularly when it's the first time OP heard of it.

Well she can,but that doesn't mean there won't be any repercussions or consequences .

Why would she lie? And why would you expect to be told this information that is 100% hers?

I'm in the EXACT same position, my Mum was adopted, I found out when I was in my mid 20's, lots of family upset about it (all of my uncles were adopted too) but at no point did I ever think to make it about me because it's really not.

My Nan is my absolute world and it makes literally 0% difference that she's not my biological family. If anything I think she's even more incredible for getting over the death of her own child and turning that around to adopt 3 kids and give them a wonderful upbringing.

Look after your Mum, OP. This is her loss, not yours.

I feel really sad for your mum that she felt it was something she had to keep a secret, possibly something she feels ashamed of.
Be thankful that she clearly had a successful adoption and that you, she and your grandparents have a good relationship most of the time.

I understand the way that she told you could have been better, but I think she deserves empathy rather than annoyance.

Sorry I was confused about your grandparents because you are talking about them in the present tense.

I think give yourself time to process this and then talk to your mum when you're both calmer, in an adult way.

It may be that your dm has no desire to trace her biological family and has been concerned about opening this can of worms? I certainly don't think you should do anymore "digging" in public records or other suggestions made on here, without speaking to your mum first.

no voting? YABVU

I am adopted and of course it's my children's story as well. My word, some of the rubbish coming out of people's mouths on this thread! No, it is not emotionally as fraught for them as it could, in theory, be for me, but it's still their history. There came a point when not telling my children about it would have meant outright lying to them when they asked me certain questions, which I was not prepared to do. This happened to the OP - the silence when someone mentioned she looked like her grandparents is probably not the only example.

OP - you are absolutely not being unreasonable in being upset your mother disclosed this the way she did. I agree it's possible she has some unresolved issues with it - potentially.

@ktp100

Why would she lie? And why would you expect to be told this information that is 100% hers?

I'm in the EXACT same position, my Mum was adopted, I found out when I was in my mid 20's, lots of family upset about it (all of my uncles were adopted too) but at no point did I ever think to make it about me because it's really not.

My Nan is my absolute world and it makes literally 0% difference that she's not my biological family. If anything I think she's even more incredible for getting over the death of her own child and turning that around to adopt 3 kids and give them a wonderful upbringing.

Look after your Mum, OP. This is her loss, not yours.

I don't know why she would lie except to get more attention (she has done many things to get attention before but that is a separate story).

No I don't need this to be about me. I am just asking a question about the feeling I am having and want to see what others think. I am still in shock and do not know what to do with this piece of info. Do I tell my dad or my twin sister? At this moment, I don't want to because they both have their own things to deal with and I don't want to bother them if it's untrue.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

I feel really sad for your mum that she felt it was something she had to keep a secret, possibly something she feels ashamed of. Be thankful that she clearly had a successful adoption and that you, she and your grandparents have a good relationship most of the time.

I understand the way that she told you could have been better, but I think she deserves empathy rather than annoyance.

Could have been better?

Seriously how low is that bar?

Just because she's adopted ,doesn't mean that having the emotional intelligence of a tea spoon is acceptable or expected.

So many excuses for shitty behaviour .

Can you look up your Mum’s birth on a site such as FreeBMD or Ancestry to see whether she is telling you the truth? You should be able to find it easily enough if you know your Mum’s full name and Grandmother’s maiden name.

@wheelsonthebus21 of course your feelings are valid and ok.

But you need to focus on yourself now,how you feel,come to terms with it. Whether you need to find out for sure and whether you actually do believe it's true,but hoping it isn't.

Don't worry about other people. They're not your responsibility . They might know already,they might not.It's not your job to tell them,support them and navigate the fallout of that.

Focus on yourself and what would help you feel better.

What were you arguing about?

My father was adopted at a young age - he and I have hardly ever discussed it . It’s caused him upset right through his life unfortunately . Man hands on misery to man etc .

My mum told me in my teens or so - I can’t remember what age . I do remember feeling hurt and confused and as if I didn’t belong for a while .

His biological mother died when I was a child, and I’ve never met his relations - and in truth, he hardly knows them either . I have three photos of his mother and a couple of her parents, and have spoken to her sister in law .

For me, that’s as far as I currently want to go with it . They’re polite enough as I am but I can’t call them my family, genetics apart .

My gran (via adoption) does not know that I know, and my Granda died without knowing too ... my uncles (his ‘brothers’) know - and I imagine their children too (certainly, one does!) . My aunt and uncle always call me their niece which is lovely .

I have the wobble sometimes when I think, my beloved nanny isn’t really my gran at all but she did all the grandparent things . In truth she was more of a grandmother to me than my biological maternal gran is ... My granda was the same - they loved my sister and I and never gave us cause to question it .

There is a photo of my gran and her sister that’s the spit of my sister and I which is a bit weird . I often forget that we shouldn’t look anything alike .

30 years of shared experiences, holidays and stuff with my gran and Granda ... vs a genetic tie to the others ... that’s the only way I can sort of understand it in my head ...

@Coughsyrupsucks

This sounds like you think she’s lying and trying to hurt you, rather than there being a problem with her having been adopted. You could get a copy of her birth certificate. It’s public record, so £11 from the General Registry Office. It will be on there if she was adopted or not.

Umm no it won't! Adoption does not show up on a Birth certificate, the original is replaced, the only difference is that we only have a short certificate and not a full one but it does not state whether someone is adopted or not

@Audreyseyebrows

What were you arguing about?

Something about my dad actually. My mum was complaining about him and I said something in his defence. Then DM said my grandparents had preference for my dad over her, and that she wouldn't blame them given she's adopted.

You can check her birth certificate online if you are that bothered but it is her business, not yours. What difference does it make? She may not have told you because she didn't want you to think any differently about her parents. Personally I don't see why you would if they were good to you. They were your grandparents.

I don't know how old your mum is but I am 71 and was adopted. I know people felt differently about adoption and adopted children back in the day and the emphasis was on protecting both adopted and adoptees. It wasn't widely talked about.

Don't be angry, there is no need.

@jessstan1

You can check her birth certificate online if you are that bothered but it is her business, not yours. What difference does it make? She may not have told you because she didn't want you to think any differently about her parents. Personally I don't see why you would if they were good to you. They were your grandparents.

I don't know how old your mum is but I am 71 and was adopted. I know people felt differently about adoption and adopted children back in the day and the emphasis was on protecting both adopted and adoptees. It wasn't widely talked about.

Don't be angry, there is no need.

Thanks for the perspective. My mum is 69 and perhaps indeed the feeling towards adoption was different back in the days.

Yanbu..But my limited experience is that these things are always a shock however you find out. Support her and let the dust settle and live with your feelings and allow them time to develop and then work out how you feel.

@3ismylot doesn’t it say amended on it? I could have sworn I’d seen some from the 40/50s that do? I was kind of assuming her Mum was that old. My apologies if not!

@jessstan1

You can check her birth certificate online if you are that bothered but it is her business, not yours. What difference does it make? She may not have told you because she didn't want you to think any differently about her parents. Personally I don't see why you would if they were good to you. They were your grandparents.

I don't know how old your mum is but I am 71 and was adopted. I know people felt differently about adoption and adopted children back in the day and the emphasis was on protecting both adopted and adoptees. It wasn't widely talked about.

Don't be angry, there is no need.

Then why use it in an argument?

It must be a shock, but really it doesn't impact you. Your grandparents are still your grandparents, what does biology matter?

surely your grandparents would know?

your mother's adoption really isn't your concern anyway. It changes absolutely nothing in your life.

It adds another layer of complication if you think your mum made this up? That's an odd conclusion to jump to and makes me think your mum has a history of lying or manipulating you and your feelings? You say she has mental health issues at the moment.

If possible, could you arrange to meet her on your own somewhere neutral (a walk?) and try to talk about it calmly; no accusations just tell her you want to hear her side.