Annoyed about my mum's confession

[wheelsonthebus21]

My mum told me out of the blue that she is adopted and that my grandparents who I love dearly are not biologically related.

She didn't mean to tell me, and only let it slip during an argument. I also think her mental health was not at a good place at the time.

Not sure if she made it up or not, and cannot check with anyone else as no one who is still around would know. Feeling very confused and somewhat angry that this was kept from me all this time. AIBU?

3ismylot: Umm no it won't!
Adoption does not show up on a Birth certificate, the original is replaced, the only difference is that we only have a short certificate and not a full one but it does not state whether someone is adopted or not
.......
There is a full certificate available as well as a short one. On the full certificate it shows that parents are adoptive parents. Many people choose to only give their child a short one to save questions. I have both. It can be traced online through the General Register Office with no problem.

If you have any sort of reasonable relationship with your mum, then the best thing is to speak to her.

Going off to research records is all well and good but what will you do with this evidence? Confront her with it? Tell her you looked at records because you thought she was lying? That's another row isn't it? She'll feel upset you didnt believe her.
I think researching records should be a last resort if you're unable to sit down and have this out with her first.

I am just asking a question about the feeling I am having and want to see what others think. I am still in shock and do not know what to do with this piece of info. Do I tell my dad or my twin sister? At this moment, I don't want to because they both have their own things to deal with and I don't want to bother them if it's untrue.

Sit your mum down and ask her if this is true. If you get the feeling that she may have told the truth, regardless of a denial, either go to General Register Office and do a search yourself, or hire a genealogist to do this for you.

Get a DNA test done too, via Ancestry or 23andMe. On 23andMe there is an option to purchase a health profile, which might appeal to you if it turns out your mum was adopted. It is helpful to find out any genetic predispositions.

It might be helpful in discerning the context and motivation of the revelation to outline the topic of the argument, @wheelsonthebus21

I can understand it being a shock. I don't think it is for you to tell others though.

...what does biology matter?

There are all sorts of health conditions that are genetically linked.
Biology matters a great deal to health.

My favourite cousin is adopted. We didn’t find out until we were in our 20s. It has made no difference to our relationship at all. We’re still really close.

@cricketmum84

It's not your thing to be angry about.

You have grandparents who love you and love your mum. Biology doesn't even play a part.

In short - I don't actually think it has anything to do with you! Sorry if that seems harsh.

Don’t be ridiculous of course it involves the OP and it’s a shock.

my df did the same to me -pretended my nan was my nan it was actually his stepmum-she was never great with us so sort of made sense in the end

but he didnt tell us till she had passed

With respect OP, this isn't about you. You won't go through half the feelings about this that she already has. You had loving grandparents where presumably you feel no less for them now you k ow you didn't share DNA? Imagine how your mum must feel.

I also want to point out that, back in the day there was a huge stigma around adoption. Adopters were actively told to keep it a secret. It's hard to break it of that stigma. Luckily things have changed and now adopters are encouraged to be open with their children.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

With respect OP, this isn't about you. You won't go through half the feelings about this that she already has. You had loving grandparents where presumably you feel no less for them now you k ow you didn't share DNA? Imagine how your mum must feel.

I also want to point out that, back in the day there was a huge stigma around adoption. Adopters were actively told to keep it a secret. It's hard to break it of that stigma. Luckily things have changed and now adopters are encouraged to be open with their children.

Apparently it's less hard if you use it as a weapon in an argument with your daughter.

Ancestry DNA
23andMe

Match you with relatives that test, whether that be a parent or a 8th cousin that you share great x10 grandparents with. Great for getting answers and proving/disproving your own family history. You don't need your mum to test but it would be helpful if she likewise did.

Can you look up your Mum’s birth on a site such as FreeBMD or Ancestry to see whether she is telling you the truth? You should be able to find it easily enough if you know your Mum’s full name and Grandmother’s maiden name.

If your mum was adopted, you won't find a record of her birth on ancestry or freebmd in the name of her adoptive parents. There will be a record of her birth citing her biological parent(s) but obviously you'd need to know her original surname. (your mum may already know this)
Adopted children aren't issued with the same birth certificate that non adopted children are. They have an Adoption certificate instead and it replaces the original birth certificate. You can order a copy by phoning the GRO (General Register office) assuming you're in the UK.
You sound very closed to the notion that your mum may have unresolved feelings about being adopted. It's very common indeed (and very understandable) for adopted people to have lifelong issues relating to having been 'given away' or abandoned, or taken away from biological parents. It's also possible that your mum wasn't told herself that she was adopted until years later, and it's also possible she was told to keep it secret.
I really think you need to calm down and have a proper discussion with your mum, and remember that it's more about her, than you.

Weird to hide it for so long.... But who cares? I was raised for a while by my pap who was the best man I could have known. He was my mother's stepdad🤷‍♀️ he loves my mother, me, and my son like we were his own.