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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt?

61 replies

MrsWarleggan · 03/01/2021 17:09

So as not to drip feed. FIL is ill. Very ill, and got rushed to hospital this morning.

It's my birthday tomorrow. Due to everything going on I wasn't expecting a song and dance. Just a card from the kids would have been lovely. DH had rushed down to his parents this morning and whilst he was out we had a delivery addressed to him. "Ooh exciting" I thought and put it to one side.

DH got home and whilst I was making dinner he said. "Just to let you know there will be no cards or presents tomorrow as no one could deliver until the 6th" I looked at him in mock jest and said "Oh, well a package came today, its on the side" and he replied "Ahh, they are my headphones I ordered at the beginning of the week!" I went to say something and he got in first with "I've never seen dad look so bad as to what he did this morning", so I couldn't then follow up with anything.

I feel really hurt. I know there are bigger things going on at the moment, but even my MIL who is FILs full time carer managed to get me a card and popped it through the letter box.

AIBU??

OP posts:

Lockheart · 03/01/2021 17:14

Your birthday hasn't been yet, I wouldn't jump the gun. Is the parcel definitely headphones or could he be putting you off the scent?

Northernmummy80 · 03/01/2021 17:15

This is a really hard one, my DP is generally rubbish with stuff like this without his dad being ill so I would have no hope.

Could you say to DP to make a card with the kids after tea as you would really appreciate it and maybe get a takeaway in tomorrow?

Think you are going to have to bite your tongue but be very direct with what you want to help salvage the day tomorrow.

Sending hugs, I’m sorry and happy birthday for tomorrow 🥳🥳

BrumBoo · 03/01/2021 17:16

There are two things going on here.

He evidently didn't sort it sooner. I can see why you're hurt by the fact your birthday was a last minute job for him, when he's perfectly capable of ordering headphones.

Now is not the time to think or discuss it. In this situation, you may never be able to mention his thoughtlessness, as its irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. If your FIL wasn't ill, you'd be quite right to bring him up on treating himself whilst forgetting your birthday. This isn't the time.

bellinisurge · 03/01/2021 17:18

You can organise a card via various online card people like Thortful or Funky Pigeon.
Let's hope you are being put off the scent. Although something to look forward to (even a little something) would be nice.

Wishimaywishimight · 03/01/2021 17:18

Honestly, I would let this go in the circumstances. Let him focus on his dad for now. If you make a fuss about your lack of birthday cards / presents you will come across as very self centred.

I'm not one of those who thinks adults shouldn't be bothered about birthdays, totally the opposite, I thinks it's important that your nearest and dearest spoil you on special occasions but serious illness is absolutely more important so please don't make your DH feel bad for focussing on his dad right now.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/01/2021 17:18

@BrumBoo

There are two things going on here.

He evidently didn't sort it sooner. I can see why you're hurt by the fact your birthday was a last minute job for him, when he's perfectly capable of ordering headphones.

Now is not the time to think or discuss it. In this situation, you may never be able to mention his thoughtlessness, as its irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. If your FIL wasn't ill, you'd be quite right to bring him up on treating himself whilst forgetting your birthday. This isn't the time.

Whilst I agree with this, I just want to add

...If your FIL wasn't ill, you'd be quite right to bring him up on treating himself whilst forgetting your birthday AFTER YOUR BIRTHDAY PASSED. This isn't the time.

MrsGrindah · 03/01/2021 17:19

Sorry but I think YABU.To have a very ill father with COVID around must be all consuming. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you , he’s just got stuff going on.

BornIn78 · 03/01/2021 17:19

Your birthday is tomorrow, and he hasn’t even got you a card yet? But managed to order himself some headphones. So he does know how online ordering works then.

What - no Spar or garage or corner shop open on his way home tonight to even grab a card and a bar of chocolate?

He’s a bit of a thoughtless dick really, isn’t he.

Jimdandy · 03/01/2021 17:21

I see this post time after time on here. If my DH (or partner or whatever) didn’t value me enough to click on Moonpig and order me a card that takes 2 minutes, we’d be done.

As he always bothers, and it’s what I’ve expected from the start, if he genuinely forgot one year I could forgive, but ladies, if this stuff is important to you and they don’t value it, why did you ever carry on the relationship? I’d be hurt!

tiredybear · 03/01/2021 17:22

He's a selfish arse, ordering stuff for himself but not borhering for your birthday.

BUT...his dad is ill, so I'd let this one slide...
AND it sounds like there will be stuff arriving on 6th..so a slightly postponed birthday.

forgive but don't forget!

Housing101 · 03/01/2021 17:23

It is a bit thoughtless not to have bought a card/ pressie in advance, but now his father has been taken seriously unwell I can see why your birthday does not factor as a priority at this time.

Wheresmykimchi · 03/01/2021 17:23

Sorry OP. Yabu here.

To PP who would be hurt, I'd be hurt if my dad was seriously ill and my partner couldn't wait two days for a card without huffing.

Soubriquet · 03/01/2021 17:24

I get his father is very ill but even hospitals sell birthday cards.

Surely he could have gone in and picked up one with a bar of chocolate as a bonus?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 03/01/2021 17:26

His df wasn't too ill for him to add a gift to a cart for himself....
Twat.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/01/2021 17:27

@Wheresmykimchi

Sorry OP. Yabu here.

To PP who would be hurt, I'd be hurt if my dad was seriously ill and my partner couldn't wait two days for a card without huffing.

That and. It hasn't happened yet!

Original poster

MrsWarleggan · 03/01/2021 17:38

I fully understand his dad is poorly and I get that, truly I do, but the fact he managed to order himself these earphones (definitely are, as he took them out of the box to charge up), whilst his dad has been so ill, but because it's been all consuming he hasn't had time to get me a card. He's been to tesco a number of times over the last week!

OP posts:

Tal45 · 03/01/2021 17:50

What is he like normally? I guess either he's always like this or if not, then it really is a one off x

Disneyforever1974 · 03/01/2021 17:57

To be fair to him,I tried to order a card from funky pigeon and Moonpig last Thursday for a friends birthday today and they couldn’t deliver anything till Tuesday/Wednesday next week so he could have tried to get something for you and found everything has a delayed delivery date.

Original poster

MrsWarleggan · 03/01/2021 18:14

@Tal45

Honestly, he's a bit hit and miss. Did birthday last year, nothing for valentines or mother's day, got anniversary card, nothing for Christmas (expected).

OP posts:

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 03/01/2021 18:25

His dad is ill and for that I am very sorry. But he only got taken to hospital this morning.

It doesn’t excuse him managing to get himself a little treat and with a known lockdown of sorts he should have been more prepared.

I give no hoots about birthdays or Christmas so the present or cardisn’t the issue but the thoughtlessness.

I wouldn’t create a fuss because his dad IS ill, but I’d be remembering it.

I really hope he is putting you off the scent OP.

Happy birthday for tomorrow 🎂

2bazookas · 03/01/2021 18:43

?? He obviously has ordered something for you , I don't think the delivery date is his fault. And there's no connection at all to his other purchase arriving first.

 It's hardly surprising he's focussed on his sick dad, and  his poor mother.  Any loving caring man would be.

curtaincalll · 03/01/2021 18:46

You probably won't get anything and he is U not you as he should have sorted it before. However, you're going to have to suck it up this time. Sorry about your FIL and also the rubbish timing

An0n0n0n · 03/01/2021 18:50

If he normally does it the day before and/or uses Prime then you shouldn't expect that he will have done it a week sooner. How does he normally shop?

Original poster

MrsWarleggan · 03/01/2021 18:56

We have joint bank account, no out of the ordinary purchases (apart from the headphones!)

Just like to say thanks for the FIL messages.

OP posts:

Codswallopcurry · 03/01/2021 18:56

I would definitely say to him that you don't mind waiting for the gift, but for the children's benefit could he at least buy some cards and flowers with them at the local shop. I can understand you feeling hurt. If something doesn't turn up in time, you scramble to get something that will make do for now. No excuse not to get a card, though. Just none.

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