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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go off sick

63 replies

funnybeanz · 03/01/2021 09:00

Wanted some opinions.

I was 26 weeks and a bit pregnant and found out there was no heartbeat, I gave birth on 26th Dec. Seems likely she had a true knot and the cord was round her neck three times. We're devastated.

I'm due to return to work after xmas holidays tomorrow, my work pay 6 months full pay for sickness and 6 months half pay, if you take that long. Because of my gestation I'm entitled to take the full maternity leave, but that is worse than the sick pay, 90% of pay for 6 weeks then 50% for 6 months.

If we decide to try again it's likely we will need private ivf which would be around £17k. We were about to start in sept when I got pregnant naturally in July. Our first child was IVF so the natural pregnancy was a complete surprise. Even the IVF clinic thought we'd need 3 cycles hence the high cost.

I'm considering trying to go off sick with stress/anxiety/bereavement all of which are true, rather than taking the maternity leave because it will get me more money to contribute to ivf. So many people at my work take time off sick for similar things and I'm annoyed that because my bereavement is for a baby I should take maternity and get paid less than if I was grieving another family member or had a stress related problem. It's not the 'right' thing to do though is it? But nothing has been fair for us so why should I think about what's fair?

Any advise? I don't think I'd take the full year, maybe 5/6 months but will see how I go.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 03/01/2021 09:03

I would think that after the trauma you have been through sick leave would be quite normal.

MyOtherProfile · 03/01/2021 09:04

I wouldn't plan in advance how long though. You could take a fortnight and see how you feel after that.

Worriedandabitscared · 03/01/2021 09:05

I think you're entitled to maternity leave after 24 weeks, is that a more suitable option or would sick be better?
Either way you're not unreasonable at all, I'm so sorry for your loss

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 03/01/2021 09:10

I'm sorry for your loss .

You should do what feels right, but bear in mind if you are on sick leave you will be subject to absence management procedure - there will probably be regular calls with your manager to see how you're doing, which will be geared towards supporting you back into work. Maternity leave is more likely to give you the chance to be left alone for six months (if that is what you want).

I totally agree that taking some time off, by whatever means, sounds like the right thing to do given everything you have been through.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 03/01/2021 09:16

sorry for your loss

I'd discuss it with your GP and employer
and not rush into IVF - you do need time time to grieve

I doubt that many employers would give 5/6 months bereavement leave or sick pay on full pay; read your contract of employment. Contractual bereavement leave is rarely more than a week or two, and sick leave on full pay often limited to a month, and may depend on how long you have been employed.
It's a horrible situation, you're likely to get the most support if you're honest and up front with your employer.

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 03/01/2021 09:19

I doubt that many employers would give 5/6 months bereavement leave or sick pay on full pay

Mine doesn't have a formal time for bereavement leave, but we get the same sick pay as OP has quoted - 6 months' full pay, 6 months' half pay.

Original poster

funnybeanz · 03/01/2021 09:21

My employers pay 6 months full pay whatever the reason, as long as you have a GP fit note saying you can't work. It's ridiculous really and people abuse it all the time

OP posts:

itsausername · 03/01/2021 09:27

I'm sorry for your loss. What a horrible time. You're not unreasonable to take sick leave if that's what you need.

I would only be concerned that you might use up absence management triggers and be subject to getting repeated sick notes which could be stressful.

Maybe a mix of both? Use maternity for the first six weeks with a return date but then go off sick? This would buy you a bit of breathing space.

BabyC21 · 03/01/2021 09:27

So sorry for your loss op I can’t imagine what you are going through. I would suggest looking in to your sick leave policy. Usually it’s over a specific rolling period so you might use up the full amount and then not be entitled to any more for another 2 or 3 years. If it was me I would use the maternity leave and then keep the sick leave for when that had been depleted. But I understand money can be tight - I’ve gone through fertility treatment myself. Take care of yourself and do whatever you feel is right xx

Canwecancel2020 · 03/01/2021 09:31

I would take the first 6 weeks maternity leave to recover physically and see how it goes from there, it would make more sense to your employer if you intend to come back and find that you’re not yet well enough than asking to be signed off for 6 months from the outset. You may find you struggle at home every day and need to get back to some sort of “normal” even if right now you can’t imagine that. I’m very sorry for what happened.

m0use · 03/01/2021 09:35

Check your terms and conditions. Where I am, on sock leave once you've dropped down to half pay, any sickness taken over the next 3 years is at half pay (same once you hit nil pay). So if you took 6+months sick now, and were physically very unwell in the next couple of years you might be negatively financially impacted

WankPuffins · 03/01/2021 09:36

I'm so sorry.

You need to do whichever is the best for you, who cares about what is fair on a job.

Moondust001 · 03/01/2021 09:39

@funnybeanz

My employers pay 6 months full pay whatever the reason, as long as you have a GP fit note saying you can't work. It's ridiculous really and people abuse it all the time

I'm sorry for your loss. But you are either sick, or you are not. What you believe other people do is not a good reason for you to do it. If you are fit enough to return to work, then you should return to work. If you are not, then that is what the sick leave is there for. And you cannot possibly predict right now how long you will be unfit for work if that is what you are.

If you use up sick leave now, what happens later is you become very sick and need it? Anything can happen in life.

DianaT1969 · 03/01/2021 09:44

I'm sorry for your loss. If you need this job and a good attendance record when applying for your next job (it doesn't sound as if you're in the private sector, so this probably doesn't apply), I would take maternity leave, and go back to work when you are ready.

AlexaShutUp · 03/01/2021 09:44

I'm very sorry for your loss, and you are definitely not unreasonable for needing some time off.

My only concern would be whether you would lose the protection that you'd get from being on maternity leave if you took it as sick leave instead. The fact that employers offer 6 months sick leave on full pay and six months on half pay doesn't necessarily mean that they will let you take it without some fairly full-on absence management approaches - I previously worked in an organisation with the same sick leave policy and saw two people get dismissed for sickness before they had exhausted their entitlement. (The organisation essentially follows a capability process on the basis that you're not capable to do the job if you aren't in work.) These people were genuinely very unwell and it felt very harsh, but the organisation's view was that it could not sustain their absence indefinitely. I believe some other organisations might use sickness records in redundancy situations, when deciding who to prioritise for redundancy, though I haven't ever encountered this myself.

Maternity leave offers you legal protection from discrimination that sick leave doesn't. I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do in your particular situation, just putting it out there as something to consider.

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 03/01/2021 09:48

The fact that employers offer 6 months sick leave on full pay and six months on half pay doesn't necessarily mean that they will let you take it without some fairly full-on absence management approaches

I agree - in my experience, if someone is off longer than a month, people further up the chain get involved and start hounding the sick colleague's manager about what they're doing to get the person back in, which, however much the line manager might want to 'protect' the colleague, translates into meetings, occupational health referrals etc.

Redlocks28 · 03/01/2021 09:51

No one would blame you for going off sick for this-it’s totally understandable.

Are you a teacher?

Chel098 · 03/01/2021 09:51

@WankPuffins I agree.

Sorry for your loss OP.

sashagabadon · 03/01/2021 09:51

Can you take some mat leave? You might qualify for it? Ask your manager. Either way, yes I think you should take some leave to recover. I am sorry for your loss.

AlexaShutUp · 03/01/2021 09:51

Yes, indeed. That was my experience too.

UsernameSpoosername · 03/01/2021 09:52

I’m so, so sorry OP. How awful for you all, I hope you’re being really kind to yourself. Really don’t worry about anything else at the moment, work, money (as much as possible.)

I agree with PP take 6 weeks maternity at 90% which you’re clearly entitled too then go from there when you have more head space?

You’ll be in my thoughts.

LillyBugg · 03/01/2021 09:53

As much as it makes financial sense you don't want to use up your sick pay. What if you do get pregnant again and hen are genuinely sick, you won't get paid. The PP who suggested take the 6 weeks at 90% initially makes sense to me. If you're a teacher don't you get the first 4 weeks at 100% or something anyway? It's been a while since I was familiar with the policy.

Scrunchies · 03/01/2021 09:57

@funnybeanz I’m so so sorry for your loss.

I’m a GP and you’re right, people go on long term sick leave for much less. I wouldn’t hesitate to give you a sick note - the max you could get first of all would be 3 months but I’d extend it after that to 6 quite happily. You’d need to be signed off with a medical condition tho - so stress or anxiety - rather than bereavement. Very simple to do tho - just say the bereavement has caused you (understandable) stress.

Seriously I sign off some utter shit reasons for ‘stress’ so you have a very valid reason for needing as long as you like. My heart goes out to you ❤️

Chel098 · 03/01/2021 09:57

I’m not sure where you work OP. But I’ve been off for 2 months (NHS) all taken off in one block not back and fourth. If your GP has signed you off and you haven’t had much time off previously you will be fine.

Given your circumstances I wouldn’t be surprised if someone didn’t come back to work for a while.

foodtoorder · 03/01/2021 09:58

After such trauma, any decent employer would encourage you to have some time off.

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