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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m worried as haven’t asked my best friend to be Godparent... please can I have your thoughts?

59 replies

MummyTreeC · 02/01/2021 22:11

Hello there,

I’m a chronic worrier so need your advice please!!

I have asked two of my very close friends to be my daughters godparents. I had a really tough pregnancy and they were so incredible then and since our baby has come and they have been my very close friends for nearly 18 years. They have both posted it on social media today but I haven’t told my best friend as to be honest... I don’t know how to. She’s had the worst 2 years... losing 2 people extremely close to her which has completely changed her life. So I feel absolutely awful for not asking her I really do. But I really wanted to ask these two people as they are a huge part of my daughters life and an incredible constant support to me and always have been.

Please can you help me how I bring it up with my best friend? She’s going to be upset I know it and I hate for that!

Sorry this sounds silly... but sometimes you need an opinion from someone who doesn’t know you :).

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 02/01/2021 22:32

If you are feeling bad about not asking her, then the obvious thing to do is to just change plans and have a third Godparent.

Not the wisest thing to do to not ask your best friend and ask two close friends, if you are going to be doubting your decision and worrying over it.

Had you no family to ask instead, sometimes the friends you have now won’t be your friends in years to come.

modgepodge · 02/01/2021 22:33

Is she religious? I ask because I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit bothered about not being asked to be a godparent, and in fact if I was asked I would point out my lack of religion in case that mattered to the parents. Are the two you chose more churchy?

SparklePiggy · 02/01/2021 22:33

If she's your best friend, why do you not want her to be a godparent? I think you really need to get to the crux of the reason why.

TidyDancer · 02/01/2021 22:34

I think this will (potentially) irreparably harm your friendship. I don't see why you can't just have her as well. Having one godparent from each group does make sense, but excluding your best friend for this reason alone is a quite unkind.

WeeDangerousSpike · 02/01/2021 22:34

I'd ask her too and have all 3. I don't understand why having only 2 is more important than upsetting your oldest friend?
I'm godmother to a little boy, there were so many of us stood up we were down the aisles! He literally has at least 20 godparents!

CiderWithRosy · 02/01/2021 22:36

If you value her friendship I think you should ask her too. If she's had a bad year, why would you want to make her feel even worse?

Misshapencha0s · 02/01/2021 22:42

For me this is very clear cut - ask your best friend to be a godmother too.

Original poster
MummyTreeC · 02/01/2021 22:45

Thank you all needed these opinions and only what I was thinking deep down. I’m going to ask her and have 3. I think we were trying to follow what was in our families so got in all a fluster. Xx

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 02/01/2021 22:48

Honestly, it’s so mean of you to do this.

And you actually can’t justify it. Just, “we are set on two women and one man”.

Is it worth hurting and potentially losing a best friend over?

I’ve never been a bridesmaid. None of my best friends or family had me as one. They all said something along the lines of “you are my best friend/sister but I’m only having family/friends in my bridal party but I will find you something else to do so you can still be involved in the fun!”. It really, really hurt. It still hurts. I’m approaching 37 so it’s never going to happen now. I always question “why wasn’t I enough?”

Then it happened all over again with godparents. I’m the only practicing Christian but until pretty recently I was overlooked for that too. Just not “special” enough.

You know you are going to upset her. You are worrying about it. What’s a really good reason as to why you don’t want her? You must have one, seeing as your heart is so set on the decision that you won’t even consider having her, knowing the hardship she’s been through.

NameChange84 · 02/01/2021 22:48

Cross posted - good, that’s the right decision.

Lindy2 · 02/01/2021 22:49

I think you will feel much less worried if you ask her too.

Having an extra God parent is going to be a lot more straightforward than the potential upset and fallout of not asking her. Convention is all well and good but sometimes a bit of flexibility to better suit your circumstances makes for a much smoother life.

scubadive · 02/01/2021 22:50

If she is your BF she will understandably be upset so ask her too. Three is the norm.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 02/01/2021 22:50

Two godmothers and one godfather (and vice versus for a boy) is traditional but nothing more. All of the Cambridge children have at least five godparents each Grin

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 02/01/2021 22:53

I think if she is your Actual Best Friend and she has had a Shit Two Years - that placing People Who Made A Level Of Fuss Of My Pregnancy That I Found More Acceptable is a shitty stance tbf.

Hapixmas · 02/01/2021 22:57

I would have her too.

Icecreambaby · 02/01/2021 23:03

You said she was your best friend but you did not ask her at all. A bit weird to be honest. Am sure she was your best friend due to an established relationship and not just based on a year's behaviour. I would be hurt if I were your best friend. Would ask her to be one as well, otherwise prepared to lose that friendship.

Nearlytherenext · 02/01/2021 23:03

@TidyDancer

I think this will (potentially) irreparably harm your friendship. I don't see why you can't just have her as well. Having one godparent from each group does make sense, but excluding your best friend for this reason alone is a quite unkind.
Basically this 😔
DeRigueurMortis · 02/01/2021 23:07

You're stressing about an issue that's easily fixed.

You're having a drama about hurting your best friend.

The best friend you don't want to be GM to your child.

Frankly you sound utterly self indulgent.

Advice is grow up and stop being a drama queen who invites unnecessary conflict into their life and more importantly into that if people you are supposed to care for Hmm.

soopedup · 02/01/2021 23:15

She’s not really your best friend is she if you’ve chosen other people above her. I think you’ve behaved shockingly badly. You are so lucky to have the friends you do. I wish I had that. The fact you treat your supposed BFF as disposable and so offhand, well I hope you end up losing her. You don’t deserve her

DeRigueurMortis · 02/01/2021 23:15

But we are really set on two women and one man.

Just to add...you're so set on this that's you'd lose a friendship?

FFS - this is where MN needs a get a grip emoji (or better still stop being a selfish fucker one).

You're "worried" 😂 about creating unnecessary hurt to your best friend because of a "preference" about the sex ratio of godparents?

Wins prize for ironyHmm

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

soopedup · 02/01/2021 23:16

@DeRigueurMortis totally agree. How does somebody like this end up with so many close friends?? It boggles my mind

mermaid101 · 02/01/2021 23:16

I would echo what many other posters have said here.
This happened to me. I was the third friend who wasn’t asked. There were two babies (twins) and we were (I thought) a group of four friends.

One of them was the mother of the twins and she asked the other two to be godparents. It was the end of my friendship with all of them.

If you are not going to have your third friend can I suggest you talk to her about this before the christening? I wasn’t and I can honestly say, turning up at the christening and having to watch the other two take part in the ceremony was one of the worst experiences of my life. I also had to deal with lots of mutual friends asking why I wasn’t a godparent. It affected me for quite some time after.

I think I would have felt a lot better if I had been asked to participate is some way; maybe doing a reading or making the cake or something.

I never spoke to the mother of the twins again and I am a massive people pleaser. I felt so strongly about it.

Nonamesavail · 02/01/2021 23:18

My son had 5 godmothers and 4 godfathers. It was too many tbh but it kept everyone happy, so no harm
Don't lose a friend over it.

DeRigueurMortis · 02/01/2021 23:21

@soopedup

It's beyond me that's for sure.

Shitty behaviour disguised in a fluster of "oh this/oh that/I'm so worried" when answer is obvious Hmm

Ginfordinner · 02/01/2021 23:27

Assuming you are C of E the godparent reqirements are that you must have a minimum of two of the same sex as your child and one of the opposite sex. There is no maximum.

Also, godparents must be babtised themselves.

The link below outlines the guidelines for godparents:

churchofenglandchristenings.org/for-parents/choosing-godparents/

I would also add that you should choose godparents for your child, not just because they are your friends. We chose DD's godparents very carefully as we both have experience of having godparents who didn't stick around for long.