To ask where you met your friends

[GingerChips]

So from all the threads about fallouts, I know lots of you have plenty of friends. Can I ask where you met them please, if you met them as adults?

I am in my 40's and live with my partner in a smallish city. No children, so making friends at the school or kids activities is out.

I changed jobs after being with one company for many years and the people I thought I was friends with there don't seem to want to know me now. People who I'd had lunch with for the last 6 years, met outside of work and gone to the pub with that type of thing. I've tried to arrange to meet for a walk or a coffee but they either ignore me or make excuses not to meet. Once I stop texting them I hear nothing at all.

I don't live near anyone in my new job, I commute quite a distance, but I tried to make friends when I started. There was a new starter induction day and I was friendly and chatted to people. I admit I'm a bit shy but I asked them about themselves, I was honestly interested in finding out about my new workmates. I'd say it went well, not awkward. Then, when I would see them about the office over the next few months I'd smile, say hello and often get blanked. So along with working from home since March that has led nowhere.

I used to go to the gym a lot but stopped when I changed jobs. I will go back once things open properly but never found that a good way to make friends. Again I tried to be friendly and I had people there who I knew their names and where they worked etc. but they were just polite chats, nothing more. People I would nod to at the start of a class, not friends.

I still chat to friends from school, but more the occasional text, everyone is busy with families and doesn't want to actually meet up.

In desperation I joined BumbleBFF and although there aren't many locals on it I've made some matches. Four have ended up ghosting me before ever meeting. I've made one friend, we had one hobby in common and nothing else but she was nice. We went to the theatre a few times and for dinner to restaurants our partners didn't like. So obviously she's moving house next month and I'll never see her again.

No one wished me happy Christmas apart from my parents. No one has wished me a happy New year.
I realise everyone is different and just because you met your bestie at a book club doesn't mean I will. I guess I'm just looking for a little bit of hope, and maybe some interaction, (of a sort.)

Following as I really want to take time for me this year- including nurturing new friendships and hobbies.

I made a few friends at the gym though I know that’s not useful now. It’s a hard time to meet people so I guess bar the online options you might find it hard. When things settle would you consider a hiking club or other outdoor hobby? They seem good for friends!

The only "just for fun," clubs I've seen locally are running. Which isn't fun to me unfortunately. Everything else seems very competitive and not the begginer level I'd need. The only swimming groups for example have a waiting list and a criteria to join that I couldn't meet.

It's a good thought though, I will take another look once things can open again. Maybe I'll find something. Thanks.

Apart from friends from school and university as an adult I met my friends at work in different jobs, while living in a shared house, at pilates, while pregnant in a mum and baby club thing, and through that introduced to others after having my DC.

Other than school gate/kids’ friends’ parents friends I have made them at work, in a book group, my personal trainer became my friend, at the dog park. In all those places I’ve met people that I have gone on to meet away from the activity.

I don't have many friends as I'm really introverted and tbh prefer my own company. The friends I do have: a few from school, a few from old jobs, 1 friends of a friend and 1 from an online friendship group. I met my partner at a sports/hobby club though

Language classes and exchanges have been the main way I've made friends in the last few years. You discuss things and get to know people well in language classes. I initiated a coffee after class as well where we continue to practice.

Work and running club in my case.

Just wanted to reassure you that you sound lovely but maybe - from experience- in the seeking of friendship (or anything tbh) it's the seeking itself that becomes the barrier.
I'd go for finding a passion to develop, a fire inside someone is attractive?

It might sound back to front to stop trying to find friends but really finding within yourself something that gives you the 'fuck it, this is fun' feeling will a.give you a nicer inner experience and b.most likely bring you friends easily.

Your set up sounds very much like many of the people who are now enjoying the friendship of a new wave Women's Institute.

This isn't going to be helpful but I made friends at uni and then ten years laterade more at baby groups. We aren't all people who can make friends anywhere, some of us need the right circumstances I think.

While there are no hard and fast rules about who you can be friends with odds are your potential friends are going to be people in a similar situation looking for some mutual support. I think it helps to have something to bond over.

Interesting thread!

My best friend is someone I once worked with thirty years ago - but became friends with after we'd moved on from that work place. I never really have 'friends' at work by design. She has been my absolute saviour over the last few months.

I ran a large walking group for a few years - very sociable at the time, but for varying reasons I dropped out of the group, but still have a couple of good friends from that.
There are a couple of friends where contact has dropped BUT I do need to get back in touch with people, mostly my fault things dropped - but they aren't living close by.
Someone I volunteered for a number of years ago.is still a good friend, but see less of him at the moment - mostly online right now.
There's a neighbour I have a fair bit in common with - we had got to the going for a coffee stage, still chat if we see each other, hopefully will develop post covid. There's also two or three people from a local community garden in that 'sort of currently on hold' category, and a book group via the community garden that I joined this time last year to widen my circle.

I am aware that my circle of friends has dwindled over the years, and I need to do things to resurrect it a bit - but that's hard at the moment.

There's often things (normally) I'm happy to do by myself, but would be nicer to do with someone - cinema, galleries, theatre. It is hard to make new friends, and I'm not in a relationship and don't want to be.

Work and school mostly, I also have a couple of friends from my home town who I’ve known for years. I feel lucky to have made some really good friends through work but most work friends are temporary, you’re friends while you work there and then you or them move on.

I have friends from my school days (am nearly 50); many from work (a number of workplaces); baby groups / school parents (have 3 DC).

I actually find it really weird that people don't / can't make friends and before realising how common it was on MN, if I met a woman with no friends i would probably wonder what was wrong with them.

1 friend I correspond with by email whom I'be known since nursery school.
2 from work, plus lots of acquaintances.

That's it. I am an introvert and have suffered social anxiety in my past so I don't keep many folks around me.

First of all,

Happy New Year.

I am a very outgoing social able person but I still struggle to make good friends. The ones I have are from mother & baby groups or from where I grew up/went to school. I hardly see them, even pre covid but we try to talk as often as possible.

I think you need a hobby where you can actually go out and meet some new friends. I've decided that I will join an amateur acting class when possible as I know I will meet like minded people who have at least one interest the same as me. Is there any thing you're interested in, gardening? Knitting? Acting? Art? I bet there are lots of groups on FB that you can join with the intention of meeting up.

Good luck Op.

What do you like doing ? As others have said, find a hobby/passion and you will meet like minded people - some may become friends, some will just remain acquaintances... but you will be meeting new people.

I have moved a lot but met so many friends over the years ... volunteering, Church, PTA (frequently sneered at on Mumsnet ), WI, local politics etc etc.

Just 'wanting a friend' isn't always enough ... I meet people who are so 'desperate' to make friends that they come across as 'needy' and won't make any effort but just expect to be 'friends' without any input into a relationship - don't be that person.

My mother is a great example of being able to make friends - she is 87, has recently moved to a new area but really makes an effort to get out, volunteer and meet new people - even in Covid times she is (safely) volunteering and, up until recent Tier changes, meeting new friends at Yoga and for coffee.

Maybe there is something genetic about having the confidence and self esteem to just be outgoing and sociable, I've noticed how good my own DS is at making friends and having a wide social circle?

I had couple of old school friends that I see every few months.

Other friends are from work. I seem to meet 1/2 people I 'hold on' to from jobs I've had. We meet up regularly. In my current job there are a couple who I see outside of work (when allowed).

I have a couple of friends I have met through the kids who are actually genuine friends and not just school gate friends and in normal times I will often meet them without the kids for a meal or a cuppa.

I also have a couple of good friends I met via a fandom a few years ago - and also as a result of said fandom I have a few overseas friends, have met a couple of these when they have been in UK, and we are in touch online mostly but we chat a lot. Not the same as real life friends I suppose but a lifesaver in recent months as I think I spoke more to these because this was how we already communicated than with local friends who had stuff going on.

I think moving jobs just before the pandemic has been a factor - no time to cement relationships.

I'm retired now, but still in Fb contact with a few ex colleagues - I think social media has made it easier to maintain those kinds of relationships, but they are not necessarily those strong, can be relied on, friendships. I have one close friend that I shared an office with 15yrs ago, so was in my 50's, but that's it, the others are Facebook friends that I like and interact with, see occasionally, but we are not part of each other's lives.

I've got a couple of "mum" friends from my kids primary school days that I've kept in touch with - but we're also neighbours so I think it's largely accidental tbh. I've got a coupe of neighbours that I like and sometimes socialise with - largely because I was friendly to them when they moved in, having not had a friendly reception when we arrived 20yrs before!

In retirement I'm making a few friends through a new hobby, but it's my second go. I started one hobby and went to classes and groups, but they really were not my people, it was very odd. No one really made much of an effort and I just faded away... I then tried an art class and it was totally different, really nice, sociable, drinks evenings etc. These days we are all online, but it is lovely to see people on zoom

One of my neighbours is involved in something called the National Women's Register - and has quite a social life based around it www.nwr.org.uk

Sometimes the chemistry is just not there in a group, so just keep doing things you enjoy and have a look at the NWR - you never know when you are going to meet compatible people. Good luck.

I have maybe 4 really good friends outside of work.
One is a friend I met on my first day of secondary school and we are still close, though only meet a few times a year.

Next is a friend I made as our daughters became best friends at pre school and they are still good friends now despite being at different secondary’s. We get on really well and in normal times see each other two or 3 times a months (used to be every day when the kids were little).

Then there are the two friends I met through my old job. We were friendly at work, but went on mat leave at the same time and started meeting for coffee every week with the babies (who are now 13). None of us work for that company anymore and the 3 of us don’t really meet together. One I’d probably say is my best friend and we meet for weekly coffee (in normal times, currently a weekly dog walk). Our children aren’t really friends though, so we normally meet just us.
With the other, our daughters have always been friends. They’ve always done an activity together and are now at the same school and have become best friends. We help each other out a lot (probably more often her helping me as I work full time) with lifts etc and in normal times the girls are always at each other’s houses. We’ll often have a coffee and a chat when we drop off/pick up.

I also have several friends through work. A few I would meet up with outside of work/ work do’s if there wasn’t a pandemic on.

Maybe a hobby like amateur dramatics/dance, rambling or an art class might be better for meeting friends than the gym? I do adult ballet and there are a few people I’m friendly with and could probably pursue a friendship with if I felt inclined.

In my 20s ut was through work, and now at 58 I M still in touch with six of them - some I oy see once or twice a year some most months (covid restrictions excepted). I live quire
30-70 miles away so it requires some effort.
.y local friends are other mums from school. We used to meet for coffee after drop off and before work (mist are self employed) and when lockdown happened we moved to HouseParty virtual coffee mornings which worked well.
I am a self employed single mother and even with the opportunity of the school gate found i really had to go outside of my comfort zone to be friend and invite people to meet up. Some did, some fizzled out, some stuck. It seems you are making a the right moves, but haven't yet really clicked with anyone. Situational friends with not endure once that situation (work, hobby etc) has stopped. All I can suggest is you keep yourself involved in your community (hard currently i realise). Develop whatever interests you have to keep yourself busy. People like people who are engaged and passionate about things. Find some self fulfilment in your activities, not just in terms of meeting people. Good luck.

I'm a member of a new wave WI and its fantastic for making friends.

I met friends;
Through an ex, his friends that I got on with (everyone still friends)
One from high school
One from college
Yoga (after several years of attending same class)
Work (probably this is the biggest one... but doing stuff together out of work before you leave that job)
Travel, met on group holiday
Former flat mate

@Pipandmum makes a good point about situational friendship, they can drift easily once the job/activity/thing is over.

I’d use some social media if you don’t already.... it’s really helped me stay in touch with people I maintain friendships with but don’t see day to day. I don’t have loads of friends/followers just close friends.

Good luck, it is hard and especially at the moment.

My friends have come from people I was at school with, work, great neighbours and dog walking. I made good friends at uni but although we keep half an eye out on FB, I wouldn't say they're friends anymore - more acquaintances now.
I definitely agree with the posters who suggest finding something you love doing, join a group and things will often develop from there.

Breastfeeding support group.

Our babies are 7 now. But we talk every day.

School mums I can totally leave. Cant stand it.

But these 5 women that struggled through breastfeeding with me are my tribe.

We all met at a time of personal struggle, so have never had to pretend to each other we've got our shit together.