To ask where you met your friends

[GingerChips]

So from all the threads about fallouts, I know lots of you have plenty of friends. Can I ask where you met them please, if you met them as adults?

I am in my 40's and live with my partner in a smallish city. No children, so making friends at the school or kids activities is out.

I changed jobs after being with one company for many years and the people I thought I was friends with there don't seem to want to know me now. People who I'd had lunch with for the last 6 years, met outside of work and gone to the pub with that type of thing. I've tried to arrange to meet for a walk or a coffee but they either ignore me or make excuses not to meet. Once I stop texting them I hear nothing at all.

I don't live near anyone in my new job, I commute quite a distance, but I tried to make friends when I started. There was a new starter induction day and I was friendly and chatted to people. I admit I'm a bit shy but I asked them about themselves, I was honestly interested in finding out about my new workmates. I'd say it went well, not awkward. Then, when I would see them about the office over the next few months I'd smile, say hello and often get blanked. So along with working from home since March that has led nowhere.

I used to go to the gym a lot but stopped when I changed jobs. I will go back once things open properly but never found that a good way to make friends. Again I tried to be friendly and I had people there who I knew their names and where they worked etc. but they were just polite chats, nothing more. People I would nod to at the start of a class, not friends.

I still chat to friends from school, but more the occasional text, everyone is busy with families and doesn't want to actually meet up.

In desperation I joined BumbleBFF and although there aren't many locals on it I've made some matches. Four have ended up ghosting me before ever meeting. I've made one friend, we had one hobby in common and nothing else but she was nice. We went to the theatre a few times and for dinner to restaurants our partners didn't like. So obviously she's moving house next month and I'll never see her again.

No one wished me happy Christmas apart from my parents. No one has wished me a happy New year.
I realise everyone is different and just because you met your bestie at a book club doesn't mean I will. I guess I'm just looking for a little bit of hope, and maybe some interaction, (of a sort.)

I moved abroad, which is a bit drastic! I joined a local expat/English speaker's group who had a meeting every 2 weeks and went along. I got to know people. There is an associated Facebook group, which helped to secure friendships. They grew out of that. But this was borne by a desire to seek mutual support, which is quite hard to find organically. IME it's been this combination of mutual support and also seeing the same people regularly that forges friendships. Hard this year. I have only seen a couple of them.

Agree it’s hard going. I once lived in London where I found it easy as few Londoners I met actually seemed to come from London.
I’m now in a NW town where everyone here comes from here. They mostly grew up 5 minutes away and stayed (without going anywhere in between) which I find quite odd. Anyway when my kids started school I ended up trying really hard to make friends with other mums and it’s broadly paid off but it only happened because I was really pushy about coffee/play dates etc
Otherwise it would have been hard but in a pandemic must be super hard. Sorry not to be helpful. What about volunteering in a field you’re interested in? I think work and education easily bring about most opportunities to meet people though.

School, uni, family, work, baby groups.

All from work. I'm not friends with anyone from school or university any more.

Work and NCT

Work, school, doing the school run & through other friends. One of my very good friends I met through a friend I made at work. We met on her hen do and became good friends

My main friendship group is from uni (helps that I met my partner there so they are mutual friends) but since then, my closest friends are a former neighbour and a couple of friends I made through doing the same commute for 10 years.
I've also made friends through work, and being in a choir and a band.

I have kept old friends from school and uni

I have met a a few new ones through work

through my kids, either around school or around their sport. It can be bonding to spend a few freezing hours every week around a rugby pitch or in various sports hall across the country!

Mainly through my own sport and hobbies

You kind of need to forget the "friendship" aspect to start, it's the opposite of a relationship with a partner. Do something you enjoy, be opened and the friendship just grows. You wouldn't start inviting people for the weekend after seeing them 2 or 3 times, that's what I mean.

I find sports club a lot better socially than the gym, you have something in common, and when you get involved with competition it gets very friendly, even if you just support and don't take part yourself. You do need to find something you enjoy, it doesn't matter if it's running, hockey, netball, whatever sport you can think about.

Same thing with classes, or charities.

Are you near the sea? Or rivers? The biggest new friendship group I’ve seen has been the wild swimmers, there seems to be a real sense of comradeship. Downside : getting in freezing water

I don't have many friends at all. I have three from previous schools where I used to teach, one from a slimming club and one from childhood. In my current school I have a couple of friends I socialise with (or would do if it weren't for Covid). I keep in touch with Uni friends on FB but haven't met up with them in the past 30 years.

My best friend I met when I was 19 and our boyfriends were mates we split up with both but stayed friends that was 24 years ago.
I met a group of friends through a toddler group who I (used to) go out on nights our with or for coffee.
More recently I have met a group of really good couple friends through on of my kids school class.

I have some family friends (my parents' friends' children); a few friends from junior school; some from secondary school (I went to school in a different school from all of my junior school friends); some very good friends from Uni; a very dear friend from my previous job (we worked together for 14 years and she's like a second mum to me); some truly amazing friends for life, whom I met when I joined a local vocal harmony group 14 years ago; some mummy friends from NCT/baby groups; and some good friends from my new job, including a brilliant best friend. I am quite a loyal friend and take great care to keep in touch as best I can, although inevitably there are sone friendships which come and go naturally with the course of time and as circumstances change. I also have some lovely school mum friends. One of my oldest friends from nursery is my DS's godmother and a friend from uni is his godfather. Facebook is a great way of keeping up to date, although I do take time to message friends from time to time and always send cards and birthday/Christmas, etc.

Oh, I also have 2 lovely neighbours too. We met up for socially distanced gin in our front gardens during lockdown, which was nice!

For me my main friends are ex colleagues from different work places from years ago.

I have some other friends I got to know from friends of friends, school mums, from dog walking, a yoga class, gym and an ex neighbour.

Lots of these won’t be helpful right now but the most recent friends I’ve made have been from

• meeting at the pub while out with DH
• meeting through a Facebook group

When things are open - take a look at meet-up - there can be things like walking groups, socialising groups etc.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP. I went through the same realisation a few years ago. In my experience work friends are generally transient and will fade once you leave the company.

There have been some great suggestions from other posters. Volunteering is a good way to meet people (I used do-it.org). Meetup.com lists events based on interests. Once things settle down you could go on an organised trip. I met one of my good friends on a group skiing holiday several years ago (I knew no-one in the group prior to attending).

I don’t know if it will be of comfort to you but I’m in the same boat as you right now. I’ve entered a new phase of my life and need to build friendships from scratch. The current situation makes this extremely difficult!

Thank you for all the interesting and helpful responses.

Language courses are something I looked at a couple of years ago but it was quite expensive. I'm in a much better financial state now so it's a good idea, I will look into it again when they are available.

I did not know about NWR. Thanks for the idea!

It's funny that wild swimming was mentioned. I met a group online between local lockdowns and went a few times. The women around my age who I met were anti vaxxers and turns out their personal social media accounts are full of conspiracy theories and suspect pro Brexit memes. Not to offend anyone, each to their own but I didn't persue those friendships.

I use socials and have lots of "friends" in that sense but as some one mentioned it's mostly a casual, message or sometimes like their posts type of friendship. Not anyone I see in the real world often. I've 'met' people online from FB groups but no one local so again, just messages.

Thanks to the poster who thinks I'm weird. Maybe you're right, maybe it is me, but all the ways you met your friends, (other than old school friends which I do have, just not locally) don't apply to me. I haven't had lots of jobs and I don't have 3 kids... But yes, I'm sure it does seem strange to some.

As far as hobbies and interests, I don't like many group type activities. And that may be part of the problem. I like reading, swimming, true crime, cooking and wine. All pretty basic stuff.

While I am a bit shy I do chat to people, I will make the first move if they seem friendly but also shy/nervous. I can easily talk to strangers in meetings or at events for example. It's just nothing comes of it. I don't think I come across as needy/desperate for friends. When I meet new people if we don't click I don't push it for example. Maybe I give off a sort of lonely aura I'm not aware of though. Certainly something to think about.

I'd also like to know how. I have tried Meetup - crap. The WI here run their meetings in the day while I'm at work so that's a no go. I joined the gym but the people were so unfriendly compared to the gym where I used to live. Covid has stopped the development of work friendships a bit, except one person. I have joined a MN FB group and that's been great, but I find Zoom quite hard to deal with tbh.

Oldest friend...work didn't work together met on a course we lived near each other and similar interests...work....colleague who i helped through a shit divorce...and we bonded over lots and lots red wine and dysfunctional families!..
Other 2 baby group and a more recent colleague...that's it...I am very lucky that in the main they are all much more extrovert than I am and are good friends...whereas I'm rubbish..

I can easily talk to strangers in meetings or at events for example. It's just nothing comes of it.

It's VERY unlikely anything would comes of it so quickly. You might get a date with someone you meet in an event, you don't get a friend. You are confusing relationship and friendship, it takes a lot longer.

If you don't join in any group activity in real life, it's very hard to meet people, let alone make friends.

Work is tricky, because resentment can quickly creep in when one gets promoted.

It's a bonus not to have kids when you want a social life, not the other way round . But even when we meet friends via the kids, it takes time.

Hopefully when restrictions ease, things like book clubs, local cooking classes (the local cheaper versions) can resume.

Through Agricultural College / Horses / Young Farmers growing up and beyond - I have a pretty big social circle which is just a free for all and changes and adapts as the years go on.

From that those there are two separate groups which I would count as ‘close’ friends.

I also have a couple of closeish friends that I met when I was a teenager.

None from school, I was the bullied, weird, smart horse girl

Appreciate mine is a very niche!

I'm lucky that I've got many of the same friends I had 20 years ago and more.
I also went back to uni as an adult so met people there too.
So college, uni, not really work as much. I've made friends at work but the friendships don't tend to last when one of us has left the job.
Friends of friends quite often and a volunteering thing which is really social.
It is hard, I'm glad I don't have to start over in my 30s. It's one of the reasons I have avoided moving away from my home town.

Quite a few are people I've known since school. The rest are mostly from work. I don't have hobbies.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer that wasn't really what I meant, sorry. I don't expect to be besties with the people I share a table with at interval drinks.. I just wanted to get across that I'm capable of making conversations anf being friendly. I'm a bit shy but I'm not a wreck in social situations. I didn't explain myself very well.

My main friendship group I met at college when we were 16 (nearly 40 years ago!)

Never made friends with school mums.

My other four close friends who are not a group but 4 x friends if that makes sense, all come from previous jobs I had, going back 2 years, 8 years, 10 years, and 30 years ago.

I think it must be really difficult right now to make new friends OP, so don't be hard on yourself or let other people tell you that you are weird.

If I wanted to make friends now I would consider WI, Rock Choir, and aren't there local Mumsnet Groups? Maybe if you check out the local group to your area you might get a vibe of whether there is anyone you might connect with.

Good luck