To ask where you met your friends

[GingerChips]

So from all the threads about fallouts, I know lots of you have plenty of friends. Can I ask where you met them please, if you met them as adults?

I am in my 40's and live with my partner in a smallish city. No children, so making friends at the school or kids activities is out.

I changed jobs after being with one company for many years and the people I thought I was friends with there don't seem to want to know me now. People who I'd had lunch with for the last 6 years, met outside of work and gone to the pub with that type of thing. I've tried to arrange to meet for a walk or a coffee but they either ignore me or make excuses not to meet. Once I stop texting them I hear nothing at all.

I don't live near anyone in my new job, I commute quite a distance, but I tried to make friends when I started. There was a new starter induction day and I was friendly and chatted to people. I admit I'm a bit shy but I asked them about themselves, I was honestly interested in finding out about my new workmates. I'd say it went well, not awkward. Then, when I would see them about the office over the next few months I'd smile, say hello and often get blanked. So along with working from home since March that has led nowhere.

I used to go to the gym a lot but stopped when I changed jobs. I will go back once things open properly but never found that a good way to make friends. Again I tried to be friendly and I had people there who I knew their names and where they worked etc. but they were just polite chats, nothing more. People I would nod to at the start of a class, not friends.

I still chat to friends from school, but more the occasional text, everyone is busy with families and doesn't want to actually meet up.

In desperation I joined BumbleBFF and although there aren't many locals on it I've made some matches. Four have ended up ghosting me before ever meeting. I've made one friend, we had one hobby in common and nothing else but she was nice. We went to the theatre a few times and for dinner to restaurants our partners didn't like. So obviously she's moving house next month and I'll never see her again.

No one wished me happy Christmas apart from my parents. No one has wished me a happy New year.
I realise everyone is different and just because you met your bestie at a book club doesn't mean I will. I guess I'm just looking for a little bit of hope, and maybe some interaction, (of a sort.)

My friends are from work, or old friends from school. A few new ones through family parties.

I met lovely people on Meetup guided walks. I bet you could make friends at a book club, although I haven't tried that.

Mostly at DD's school, one was DH's work colleague for a while, and the one who became my very best friend is DH's best friend's wife - we've known DH's friend for years, he was with someone else when we first knew him.

There's another few good friends who I met at work, including one who I'd been at school with but didn't know all that well other than to pass the time of day with at the bus stop in the 6th form.

I had to think, but I met all my friends through work in some guise or other.

I'm very lucky that my work constantly changes and constantly involves meeting and working with new people (working very intensively within a tiny tight group, but usually only for a few months, before starting with a new group).

If I worked with the same group of people day in day out for years, I'd really struggle.

The tricky thing I've found with a lot of groups is you don't see the same people that often. You'd have to really hit it off with a person to become friends, otherwise seeing an acquaintance once a month or less isn't enough to build rapport with them.

Hmm, if you dont have dcs, arent meeting people through work, don't have hobbies to meet new people, arent in a flat share situation to make new friends via their friends, that's going to be tough!

I've made friends through a book club i joined, but that took a good 6 months before I was at the going for a drink outside of the monthly meet up with them.

I have a school friend I still keep in touch with. Several friends from university, a few from work, a couple from boot camp, a couple from trying out ladies rugby for a year (fun but too many injuries!) and a few from our running/triathlon club. I’m very lucky, I’m a slow runner but our club runs a beginner course every year and we always have slow non-competitive people like me. Even the speedy types are very nice and welcoming.

Oh I still also have friends I made from an online book club. I don’t see them any more in person as I moved, but still casually in touch.

Met my closest and oldest friend on holiday. We were staying in the same B&B. She was on her own and didn't drive so I invited her along to places she couldn't get to on her own. That was 30 years ago.

I met one of my other dear friends at language classes. We're both immigrants and were trying to learn the native language.

My other dearest friend I met through a local facebook group for English speaking kids. Again we're both immigrants so don't have nearby family support so bonded over helping each other through the early days of parenting. Our kids are besties now.

School and work/ probably taken 1/2 good friends from each work place.

I don't think you can push true friendships. They take a long time to form. I met some of my closet at uni but the friendships didn't cement until about my 3rd year.

Other friends are through work but again I never push it. Rather I know some will last and others won't.

You can't really force friendships to be honest. It either clicks or it doesn't.

For those in book clubs, where did you hear about them? I have just looked and the local library ones are quite specific (young mums, foreign language etc.) There are a few on Meetup but they seem to be full, sadly.
Has anyone started one themselves, how complicated was it?

I’m following along with you OP as I’m in the same boat.

I don’t have or what children so meeting people because of kids won’t work. I didn’t go to uni at the “normal” time so couldn’t meet anyone there, I’m at uni now but I’m at least 12 years older than everyone else. Can’t really join groups atm because of covid... it’s a real bummer

I am also following as I do have kids but have lived abroad for decades and before that kept moving around - so not many friends in the city that am currently in. Not sure how many days a week I'll be in the office and lots of work people live very far away though we are friendly.

A few things that I might try once covid is over are - running clubs, walking groups, book clubs. But same as OP - where did you hear of book groups? I know they exist but not quite sure how to find one.

Pre-kids - most of my friends I've met through work and friends of friends. Used to be much easier when I was child-free and everyone was young. Not sure easy now that I've got DC and people are a lot busier and everyone lives really far away

My closest friends, as in the ones I would usually see on a regular basis throughout the year with family BBQs, Christmas parties, Birthday celebrations, days out etc. are all people I’ve known since I was in my teens from a mutual hobby. The group has grown with spouses being added, then children and now the children are adding partners and another generation of children.

I have friends from various workplaces/jobs, a few I met at the school gate when my children were younger, one I met when going through IVF, one from uni, one I met when we went to a diet club years ago. Anywhere you go is an opportunity to meet people and make friends I think.

Happy New Year @GingerChips

Not sure my list will help but here goes...

I met my closest friend 20 years ago as she was introduced to me by a school mum friend, I was looking for holiday childcare and she was a minder at the time. Turned out I already know her DH from a decade before, he was a taxi driver I used regularly before I had a car!

One who used to work with exh years before, she stuck with me when we divorced

Another I met on a support thread here, we still talk and text a lot every week, many years later- we may actually meet eventually!

Other friendship group from teen job, almost 40 years later there's still a good few of us in contact on a WhatsApp group and we have zoomed recently as we couldn't meet in the summer as usual.

Newer friendships mainly work colleagues but not as close.

Most of my friends are from work and from my voluntary work.

Apart from child related stuff, I have met friends through work. And also where I live. Two of my closest friends were my neighbors in my previous house where I lived when I was single. Ones house alarm was going off and she couldn’t stop it and I went out to chat to her and offer help. The other I recognized as being my neighbour at something ( mutual friends party) and invited her for a brew the next day. I guess you just have to be pushy and proactive. Those two friendships could easily not have happened had I not been.

If you like swimming, you could try a triathlon club, ours is super friendly and caters for all levels. You don't have to do all elements either. I'm rubbish at running but jog aong at the back chatting with others like me, just there for some company whilst exercising. The hard core ones go at their own pace, we all get along. No anti vaxxers as far as I'm aware, although quite a bit of open water swimming this year! I would second volunteering as well when things ease, or a choir. Most of my friends are through church, music or horses.

I have friends I met at secondary school, one from primary school. Penpals who I used to write to in my late teens/early 20s. Then there are friends from previous jobs, from further education settings (as a mature student but studied with a range of ages), people from a couple of hobby groups/classes, people from a local adult education organisation (who are mostly older than me), and more recently, friends among school gate crowd.
My oldest standing friend I have known for almost 40 years, more recent friends for about 6.

Volunteering reminded me, your local park run is a great place to meet people. Even if you don’t run, volunteer (finish line jobs rather than marshalling is best for meeting people) and you’ll meet loads of nice people.

Obviously once we are allowed to parkrun again.....!

To answer the initial question, I have friends I was at secondary school with, friends from work, friends from Church and friends from hobbies and volunteering I do.

I 100% agree with Nooz on P1 and then many others who said similar through the thread that friendships 'happen' when you are doing something you enjoy alongside other people that enjoy the same thing.
You join something, or go along to something because it is something you enjoy. Then you are 'friendly' with people, and, from all those people you are 'friendly' with, you suddenly turn round and realise you've been enjoying that person's company for years, and that they are a person you think to tell when you hear something funny, or someone you want to have a chat with when you are worried about something.
I don't think you can 'go out an look for' friends, I think friendships sort of evolve or grow from spending time with people.
If you don't join things though, I think you are really limiting those opportunities.