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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about your experiences if you’ve ever been “the other woman”

60 replies

Cookiemonster92 · 01/01/2021 18:55

Just that really. I’ve never been the other woman myself, but have had partners who have had another woman on the side, and I know of several people who have been the other woman, both knowingly and unknowingly. A lot of judgement gets thrown around, but when it comes down to it, it isn’t actually spoken about!

So if you have been the other woman, what made you want to do it or made you stop??

OP posts:

Realllythough · 01/01/2021 19:23

I was young, silly, and both he and I knew that he wanted to split up with her anyway. So we were having sex "no strings attached" for a couple of months (there WERE strings, we'd blatantly fallen in love, but refused to admit it).

I felt bad at the time, but the fact she treated him like shit kinda helped with the guilt. A friend who I reached out to - I said "I feel so guilty" - said "You don't owe any loyalty to [his gf]" which I guess was kind of true.

It was a relationship he'd been in since being at school and it had very much gone stale. They were staying together because it was all that they knew, because it was comfortable, not because they loved eachother. He just needed to find the money and time to travel to hers and finally break up with her, which he did. It was amicable.

I'm still with him 8 years later. It is going great. 🤷‍♀️

Justamumofadoc · 01/01/2021 19:24

Why do you ask?

GiveMeCamembert · 01/01/2021 19:32

I was in a vulnerable place for a variety of reasons and I was flattered by the attention of an older colleague. At the time it was an exciting distraction from the miserable reality of my life.

I was never under any allusions that it was anything more than sex but the whole experience messed with my head. I'm ashamed to say I didn't really think about his wife, although I do now and feel deep regret. Looking back I can see that he took advantage of me but I wasn't innocent either.

After it ended I sorted my life out. I will never behave like that again.

Ghostlyglow · 01/01/2021 19:32

He left his wife. We got a place together. This was 30 years ago and we are still together. Why do you ask?

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/01/2021 19:34

Young, stupid and massively irresponsible.

Teach234 · 01/01/2021 19:37

@realllythough is that how you justify it to yourself?

Splodgetastic · 01/01/2021 19:39

You just push it to the back of your mind and kind of imagine the other woman doesn’t exist.

LadyFlumpalot · 01/01/2021 19:42

I was the other woman without knowing it. I was young, stupid and fancied myself madly in love. My boyfriend was in the army and living on a base 200 miles from his home town. According to him he had a child with a psycho ex and she was threatening him that he would never see his son again if he got a new girlfriend so I wasn't allowed to post online about us, and if she called him whilst I was with him I had to stay quiet.

Only, she got wind of me, somehow got my phone number and we had a chat. She turned out to be lovely, anything but psycho. I felt so incredibly guilty for years even though I had genuinely believed him and she forgave me. Obviously I dumped him straight away.

Piratesue · 01/01/2021 19:44

Yes, same as above @reallythough . Still together 18 years later.

All situations are different and I would not judge until you know the full story.

CarlGrimesRightEyeball · 01/01/2021 19:45

I have but I honestly didn't know. I was only young and he had the usual patter and I didn't think to question it. His wife turned up at my work and told me, in a way that utterly impressed me back then. She knew I didn't know. She left him and we are still friends now some 20 years later

lazylump72 · 01/01/2021 19:46

We just used each other...great sex,no ties,no responsibility,no guilt. I didnt have to put up with him and be the wife with all that that entails and I had the best bits of him. I didnt want him to leave her he didnt want to I dont think. We had good times and neither his family or their curcumstances ever crossed my mind.It simply wasnt my issue it was his to deal with. Would I ever do it again? Not sure as I am happily married now and as settled as I think we can be. It was many years ago and we remain firm friends he and I but no more than that.

spidermomma · 01/01/2021 19:53

I was the other woman and had no idea??? Until one day I was at his house and his wife came banging on the door ?!?!?
They had split up but he was still married and I had noooo idea, otherwise wouldn't of done it

HunterHearstHelmsley · 01/01/2021 19:55

I was, a long time ago now. I was young and stupid (not much of an excuse!)

I learned my lesson when he did the exact same thing to me a few years down the line. Even the same excuses.

alltheadrenalin · 01/01/2021 19:57

I learned my lesson when he did the exact same thing to me a few years down the line. Even the same excuses.

^^this you know they have form for it. The person they cheated on they were once happy with

Nosig · 01/01/2021 19:58

Same as another poster, I didn’t think about her, she was an abstract concept. He didn’t talk about her, I didn’t ask about her, it was none of my business.

He tried explaining once why he was cheating but tbh I wasn’t interested. It was the usual “she’s let herself go, she doesn’t want sex, she only wanted me for house/kids/money”. I shut him down instantly, had no interest in hearing about his marriage. I’m sure he was probably a complete cock to her!

We both knew what it was, no strings sex, beyond that I didn’t consider his family.

Nosig · 01/01/2021 19:59

And also I knew that he had cheated with her on his previous wife, and he’d cheated on that wife with his first wife. I suppose I thought she probably knew what she was getting when she married him

Gotheeunicorns · 01/01/2021 19:59

Piratesue you will never know the full story though as the person is who is telling it is inherently dishonest. Regardless of any story, the right thing to do is end a relationship before starting another one.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 01/01/2021 19:59

@alltheadrenalin

I learned my lesson when he did the exact same thing to me a few years down the line. Even the same excuses.

^^this you know they have form for it. The person they cheated on they were once happy with

I'm embarrassed looking back about how hard done by I felt when I wasn't a priority.

iloveruby · 01/01/2021 20:00

It started off as just sex, no commitment, then we fell in love.

5 years later we are still together.

Fliss444 · 01/01/2021 20:03

Listen to the words '' The Other Woman '' sung by Julia Fordham. I think she sums it up.

D4rwin · 01/01/2021 20:07

Unlike others I was pretty mad when I found out. So I tracked her down, commiserated with her. Turned out he was a serial cheat. I seduced her (She was hot I was young and stupid to get involved) and backed away as she did the "dance" people describe on here with him. She couldn't seem to give him up. He was great in bed but a bit of a one trick pony. But they are still together. I imagine they must be swingers or something as that was 20 years ago now.

Piratesue · 01/01/2021 20:14

@gottheunicorns actually I do know it from both sides. So as I said I dont judge as I am aware it isnt black and white. But that k you for your feedback.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 01/01/2021 20:15

I was without realising it he said they had split up then I found out she was pregnant, had 1 more kid then he had told me about and were very much still together. I got advice from me best mate who said tell her, so I did and she didnt believe me and said I was mental. They are still together 😂

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 01/01/2021 20:20

His reasoning was he couldn't leave her or tell her the truth as she would stop him seeing the kids. I think deep down she must have known I wasn't just a cow lieing about her partner.

SpikySara · 01/01/2021 20:25

I didn’t know I was the OW. I just knew there was something funny going on. I’d been with him for a few months but he was cagey about me knowing where he lived or meeting his friends. One day we had lunch in a cafe and he put his hood up and turned his back to the door (I later realised somebody he knew must have walked by and he didn’t want to be seen with me).

I friend requested him on Facebook but he wouldn’t accept. Said he never used Facebook and couldn’t remember his password. However I could see his list of friends. So as I got increasingly suspicious I started clicking on his friends to see if they’d posted anything about him. I clicked on one girl, Rebecca, and immediately saw she was listed as being in a relationship with him. No wonder he didn’t want to accept me as a Facebook friend! I scrolled through her photos and he’d obviously been with her for four years - and even worse, they lived together.

So I arranged to meet him and confronted him with the evidence. He frowned as he looked at my phone and realised he’d been caught. He didn’t apologise or say why he’d cheated. I asked him to explain himself and he said “I’m not discussing Rebecca with you”. Then he left.

So I still don’t know what his malfunction was. I guess he was bored and maybe the spark had gone? Like most people I occasionally search exes to see what they’re up to - I saw he split with her shortly afterwards, dated around a bit, then obviously failed to find anyone else so he married her a couple of years later. I guess she never knew he cheated with me. I hope he’s happy but somehow I doubt it.

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