To ask about your experiences if you’ve ever been “the other woman”

[Cookiemonster92]

Just that really. I’ve never been the other woman myself, but have had partners who have had another woman on the side, and I know of several people who have been the other woman, both knowingly and unknowingly. A lot of judgement gets thrown around, but when it comes down to it, it isn’t actually spoken about!

So if you have been the other woman, what made you want to do it or made you stop??

I was the other woman. Lust made me do it. Jealousy made me stop.

I was 19 he was 36, married with two children. We worked together and I had lots of emotional issues that made me vulnerable to his attention. I’d been rejected and bullied my whole life and here was a gorgeous older guy who fancied me! I couldn’t believe it and didn’t care that he was married.
His wife found out and he left her, we saw each other sporadically after that, mainly so he could use me for sex and a place to stay
He was an awful awful man, I won’t pretend I was an innocent party but fuck, he did some awful things to me. My karma I guess.

@Realllythough

I was young, silly, and both he and I knew that he wanted to split up with her anyway. So we were having sex "no strings attached" for a couple of months (there WERE strings, we'd blatantly fallen in love, but refused to admit it).

I felt bad at the time, but the fact she treated him like shit kinda helped with the guilt. A friend who I reached out to - I said "I feel so guilty" - said "You don't owe any loyalty to [his gf]" which I guess was kind of true.

It was a relationship he'd been in since being at school and it had very much gone stale. They were staying together because it was all that they knew, because it was comfortable, not because they loved eachother. He just needed to find the money and time to travel to hers and finally break up with her, which he did. It was amicable.

I'm still with him 8 years later. It is going great. 🤷‍♀️

That's your justification!? 😂😂

I fell for him.

I did feel guilty but as pp said , you switch it off.

I was young and engaged but very unhappy ... He was someone I met through work, a few drinks were involved and a line was crossed. From there it was hard to stop as I believed he was unhappy and probably going to separate from his wife ... I had plans to break off my engagement (not for him). I felt like we understood each other in a way. He was older and would call me his dream girl ... In the end I realised he was right, I was just a dream or a fantasy to him. He didn't love the real me, just the version he saw when we were together. Ashamed to say it now but I wasn't bothered at all that he had a wife, I was quite flattered by the attention from a married man

I don't really think about his wife very much. We have fun together, lots of affection and great sex. But it will never go beyond that. As a pp said, we enjoy the best of each other but it's not real life, just escapism. If it wasn't me it'd be someone else, he is serially unfaithful.

I was an OW a couple of times when I was young (20s). In each case I was led to believe that he wasn’t happy with his GF/fiancée and that I was ‘irresistible’ which is a potent feeling. When it became clear that this wasn’t the big love and that he/they had no intention of becoming single, I left.

A particularly low point was waiting outside the place we both worked to meet him for lunch when his GF turned up to wait for him too. She made polite conversation and I had to pretend I was waiting for someone else. His face when he came out and saw us both standing there was almost worth the shame I felt. Her finding out and banging on my apartment door to come in and ‘talk’ to me about fucking her boyfriend was not.

I was the OW at one point. I became close friends with a work colleague who was absolutely lovely - the nicest, funniest, most liked guy in the office and such a family man (or so it seemed). We got very close after his mother died and I was being supportive. He would confide in me how mean his wife was, how awfully she treated him, that they had no sex etc etc.

He tragically passed away from cancer at the age of 42, but having met his wife at the funeral, I was quite shocked at how lovely she was (both looks-wise and personality) and given that he never left her and they ended up having another baby, I am almost certain his stories were hugely exaggerated.

It was quite recently. We 'met' online (on a general forum not a dating site) and within 24 hours were having amazing phone/text sex.

I found out a few days later he was married but didn't expect to hear from him again.

We were in touch on and off for about 3 months in the end. I was in a really shitty place and it was much needed escapism. We never met, never exchanged any really identifying details although we did chat as well the other stuff.

I largely shut out any guilt I had about his wife, but tbh it got to a point very quickly when the boredom and frustration of being a virtual bit on the side outweighed the good bits and I suspect it wasn't the first time he'd been up to that kind of thing.

I give it very little thought now, but when I do I'm honestly a bit mortified, although I understand my reasons for going with it at the time.

Never planned to do it, never stopped.

Agree with someone else. His dw was never discussed and an abstract concept. His life was his life and mine was mine.

It wasn't lusty or dirty or a sensational scandal. It was actually all desperately sad and dysfunctional. And born out of loneliness and desperation. I regret how it started. It is not the right way to end a marriage, even if it is doomed anyway.

I try every day to use the lessons i learned to be a better person. But also as someone who is normally extremely loyal i have lost my moral high horse and have a lot more empathy including for people who are flawed and make mistakes.

You've upset a few insecure Wives here 🤣 their precious Husbands are never to blame you know.

I was in an abusive relationship. He was my 'Knight in shining armour' I was floored that someone else was being so kind/wanted me etc. I knew he was married but I was naive, desperate and broken.

Of course it transpired that he was none of the above really, and he knew how to take advantage of a vulnerable woman.

I've never felt guilty for my part as this is something he has clearly always done and always will. I do feel sorry for her now though.

met him on an online platform, we were both unhappy with our lives and it soon became flirty and sexual talk. he said he loved me and i stupidly believed it possible. he was going to leave his wife and then didn’t. it was an utter mindfuck and not worth it at all.

I met a man 25 years ago, we were both single and fell in love. For some practical reasons marriage to me wouldn't have suited him, he moved away, we drifted a bit and then he married someone else on the rebound. Our feelings for each other never changed and so we carried on our relationship. He is still married and fairly happy with her although he reports the usual ups and downs. We still feel the same about each other, speak most days and go away together quite often. Suits us both and I suspect his wife knows, he considers that his relationship with me supports his marriage in that he would leave her if it wasnt for the fact that he is happy with the arrangement, as am I.

Those who marry a cheater, I am so curious as to how you don't worry that its not gonna happen to you.

Read Sarah Crosnan’s Here Is The Beehive. Amazing book - beautifully written - about being the other woman.

[quote Teach234]@realllythough is that how you justify it to yourself?[/quote]
Yes. Pretty much.

Problem?

I know it wasn't a great decision, but I also accept that teenagers make shitty decisions. And we learn from those shitty decisions.

No. My ex friend was in a few relationships with married men, I think she did it to be a sexy secret.
The last one left his DW when friend came into money after years of not wanting to hurt her or his DC. Friend was his 4th martial affair that ship had sailed.
Friend dumped him despite leaving many clues for years for his wife, she'd polish his shoes, pull a long strand of her dark hair put it in his trouser leg knowing his wife is a blonde.
I'm glad she sussed his slime ball attitude.

I felt bad at the time, but the fact she treated him like shit kinda helped with the guilt. A friend who I reached out to - I said "I feel so guilty" - said "You don't owe any loyalty to [his gf]" which I guess was kind of true.

Did you actually have any evidence she treated him like shit, other than his word?

I suspect I was once. We'd been out a few times. I stayed over. His phone rang when he was in the shower at 6am. I didn't pick up. His face when he got out made me suspicious. I have him the benefit of the doubt but he ducked out of the club we were at several times the next night to take calls...

@Emeraldshamrock

No. My ex friend was in a few relationships with married men, I think she did it to be a sexy secret. The last one left his DW when friend came into money after years of not wanting to hurt her or his DC. Friend was his 4th martial affair that ship had sailed. Friend dumped him despite leaving many clues for years for his wife, she'd polish his shoes, pull a long strand of her dark hair put it in his trouser leg knowing his wife is a blonde. I'm glad she sussed his slime ball attitude.

She did it to be a sexy secret but wanted him to find out?

She did it to be a sexy secret but wanted him to find out?
Yes after awhile the affair lasted 4 years. She was a vulnerable person who'd been abused in care, the sad part was the "secret" secrets wrecked her life.
Thankfully she saw him for what he is.

@Redwinestillfine You're not really the other woman if you didn't know he was in a relationship IMO.

@CounsellorTroi

I felt bad at the time, but the fact she treated him like shit kinda helped with the guilt. A friend who I reached out to - I said "I feel so guilty" - said "You don't owe any loyalty to [his gf]" which I guess was kind of true.

Did you actually have any evidence she treated him like shit, other than his word?

Yes. I saw with my own two eyes.

She often visited his university accommodation (this was before anything happened between me and him), he and I were part of the same close friendship group and I was best friends with one of the girls in their house, so as a group including him and his gf went on nights out together, for food together, etc. I stayed at their house after nights out or house parties. I saw that she was petty, spiteful, rude, and gave him no affection. Before anything happened between me and him, I saw that he spoiled her with gifts (expensive stuff she specifically asked for from him) and she didn't even get him a card for his birthdays ("Sorry, I forgot to get you anything" when she arrived on the doorstep. She ignored him and sat texting on her phone in the house's living room. Again, all this happened before anything happened between he and I. Later also found out she was cheating on him too.

I'm not saying he was a saint in it all and of course I was to blame too when it came to the cheating... but clearly I wasn't a home wrecker, they weren't happy. Not proud of it but also, I was a wreck at the time so I can see how it ended up the way it did. Again... Young and silly, justified it to myself because he was clearly unhappy with her. Not going to sabotage what is a very happy relationship because of silly mistakes that happened 8 years ago 🤷‍♀️

I was a very young (18) painfully shy, late bloomer, so had no previous experience of the bullshit men come out with. We met in a nightclub and I had no reason to not to believe him when he told me he was single. We started to see each other a couple of times a week. I was still living at home so he soon met my family and even introduced me to some of his. Everything seemed so normal, we would go out to dinner, to the pub, cinema etc. We bumped into friends of his several times and they were all very friendly towards me. This went on for about 3 months until on a night out one of his friends told me that I was too good for him. This friend then asked him something about should he not be getting home early to feed the baby? I kept asking what he meant but friend wouldn't say anymore, asshole tried to bluff it out saying his friend was just kidding but I wouldn't let it go. He eventually admitted to having a 9 month old child but told me he'd split with the mother before baby was born. He was afraid to tell me in case it would put me off him! We cut the night short and he dropped me home in silence and I never heard from him again, he totally ghosted me. A few months later I bumped into his friend who gave me the full story. Asshole was not only engaged to his baby's mother, they were living together the whole time he'd been seeing me! I still don't know how he got away with seeing me 3 / 4 times a week, Inc all day most Sundays, what lies must he have been telling her? I felt so angry when I learned the truth.