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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want in-laws on our ‘holiday’?

72 replies

schween · 31/12/2020 17:58

One of our DC has a disability; we travel to the US for month-long intensive therapy that is not available in the UK. We’ve been 3 times in the last 4 years. When lock-down hit this year, we were in a very ‘feck it’ frame of mind, and booked a much nicer accommodation than we have previously, for 2021. (It’s double the price, quadruple as nice - a ‘bargain’.) My parents immediately suggested they visit whilst we’re there - I said no. (My parents are sometimes hard work.) Then my brother and SIL asked the same - they already live in US albeit other coast. I said they could come for first weekend only before we start the therapy - that this isn’t a ‘holiday’ and we don’t want DS distracted. All fine... then at Xmas, my in-laws also requested a stay. I feel more pressure with this one. First off, FIL is genuinely interested in history and there’s a lot of civil war background to the area we go to. Secondly they recently offered to give us a partial early inheritance to knock through our kitchen wall. They are more easy going than my parents. But I’m still unhappy about it, and I hate myself for it. We don’t get to ‘holiday’ aside from these therapy trips. It’s our only chance at ‘family time’ - but, it is a whole month; which I know is more than most get; but it is four hours of therapy a day which isn’t exclusively a ‘holiday’. It can be very draining and hard work (more so for the DC involved, obviously). DH has suggested they come for two weeks. But I’m completely anxious about a) upsetting my family after I told them no, and b) just hate myself that I selfishly want the whole month just bonding as a family and devoting it to DS’s therapy and not risking anything impacting on it. AIBU to say no to everyone now?

OP posts:
Fuckstickss · 31/12/2020 18:00

Tell them that this isn't a holiday, that DC needs to be focused, and you've already told your parents the same.

ScrapThatThen · 31/12/2020 18:02

Depends on relationships. Can you explain to in laws that you kind of want to say yes but you said no to your parents and they would be upset. Personally I would think about in laws coming but agree not to be in each others pockets.

EagleFlight · 31/12/2020 18:04

So your in laws gave you money to do some work on the house and you have booked a more expensive accommodation for next year. I wonder if they feel they are effectively paying for you to go.

cactusisblooming · 31/12/2020 18:06

Did they only ask after you revealed you are getting better accommodation? Perhaps they are seeing it as a 'bargain' luxury holiday. Either way, I don't see that it is appropriate, it is a medical trip, not a holiday. If you feel under pressure to let some stay make them well aware that they will not be hosted, they will have to pull their weight.

saraclara · 31/12/2020 18:07

Tell them you said no to your parents so you can't treat them differently.

It's fairly obvious surely? You can't possibly say no to one lot and yes to the other.

Gncq · 31/12/2020 18:10

Say to the in laws that if you say yes to them you'll have to say yes to your own parents too, and they'll both have to stay there the same week as each other because you have made arrangements for family time.

Could you actually handle having both your parents and the in laws staying for the same week? At least they can entertain each other, then you'll have three weeks to yourselves.

YoniAndGuy · 31/12/2020 18:13

You have to treat them equally. Say no, it will cause problems, but maybe ask if you can holiday together elsewhere?

Bumblebee57 · 31/12/2020 18:14

Personally id say no just because it will open a can of worms for your parents and the others you have said no too id even put it across that way explain the trip and that youve already said no to your parents surely the most reasonable of people would understand that

LetsSplashMummy · 31/12/2020 18:14

Two weeks is madness. Could they stop with you for 4 days or so before carrying on to visit SIL? As a compromise?

Sexnotgender · 31/12/2020 18:17

You can’t really say no to your parents then yes yo the in-laws.

HollowTalk · 31/12/2020 18:19

I don't understand - haven't you spent the last 9 months having bonding time and not seeing relatives?

Chloemol · 31/12/2020 18:24

The answer is no, you have to focus on your child and it’s therapy, and it’s the only chance for family time. If they want to come at the same weekend as your sil then fine, it’s a weekend, they can then find alternative accommodation for the rest of the two weeks if they want to come and you don’t have to meet up with them

DilemmaADay · 31/12/2020 18:26

I agree with @HollowTalk.... I think you ABU considering youve had months and months to bond as a family, it's a bit precious. Maybe suggest one week to both in law and your parents, and whether they come the same time or not is up to them.

I'd also be wondering if the extension money has gone on this expensive accommodation as well like @EagleFlight said....

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 31/12/2020 18:26

@HollowTalk

I don't understand - haven't you spent the last 9 months having bonding time and not seeing relatives?
Not exactly a holiday being stuck in the house with a child with a disability? Obviously the change in scenery, location and luxury accommodation will make it more holiday-like.

I would say no purely on the basis that you already said no to your parents. It would be unfair on your parents to do that.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/12/2020 18:29

Could they stay with you for a week and then move to a hotel for a week?

BringPizza · 31/12/2020 18:30

Did they all want a free holiday in previous years when you were staying in standard accommodation? Suggest to ALL of them, including BIL who has clearly suggested to PIL that they could tag along, that they get a local Airbnb and pop by sometimes.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/12/2020 18:31

On second thoughts I'd say no. Its bloody rude to invite yourself.

cptartapp · 31/12/2020 18:32

Mmmm. You're going to be so beholden for that 'early inheritance'.
I suspect this is just the start.

BringPizza · 31/12/2020 18:32

Sorry, not your BIL but DB. Either way, they're all free-loading CFs. Just say no OP. You said no to your DPs so you can't really say yes to anyone else without causing friction. Perfect excuse.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2020 18:36

I'd be really annoyed that these people have the cheek to invite themselves on your trip/holiday. Who does that?

schween · 31/12/2020 18:39

We haven’t had the money from them for the work yet. (It will be quoted for, and they will essentially pay for it before they store the rest as DH’s inheritance.) The accommodation is already booked and paid for.

OP posts:
schween · 31/12/2020 18:40

True, but it’s hardly been quality time whilst both myself and DH have been WFH full time?

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 31/12/2020 18:42

YWBU to agree to in-laws after telling your own family no.

ancientgran · 31/12/2020 18:44

Is the therapy Monday to Friday? If it is I'd suggest they come for a weekend and then do their own thing but I think you'd have to make the same offer to your parents if you want to avoid alot of upset.

I'd just tell them it is intense and you won't really have the time/head space for them during the week.

I think they are all rude for putting you in this position but I can see it is awkward.

RandomMess · 31/12/2020 18:46

I would explain that lots of family have asked and you've said no to all requests because it won't work for you guys.