Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want in-laws on our ‘holiday’?

72 replies

schween · 31/12/2020 17:58

One of our DC has a disability; we travel to the US for month-long intensive therapy that is not available in the UK. We’ve been 3 times in the last 4 years. When lock-down hit this year, we were in a very ‘feck it’ frame of mind, and booked a much nicer accommodation than we have previously, for 2021. (It’s double the price, quadruple as nice - a ‘bargain’.) My parents immediately suggested they visit whilst we’re there - I said no. (My parents are sometimes hard work.) Then my brother and SIL asked the same - they already live in US albeit other coast. I said they could come for first weekend only before we start the therapy - that this isn’t a ‘holiday’ and we don’t want DS distracted. All fine... then at Xmas, my in-laws also requested a stay. I feel more pressure with this one. First off, FIL is genuinely interested in history and there’s a lot of civil war background to the area we go to. Secondly they recently offered to give us a partial early inheritance to knock through our kitchen wall. They are more easy going than my parents. But I’m still unhappy about it, and I hate myself for it. We don’t get to ‘holiday’ aside from these therapy trips. It’s our only chance at ‘family time’ - but, it is a whole month; which I know is more than most get; but it is four hours of therapy a day which isn’t exclusively a ‘holiday’. It can be very draining and hard work (more so for the DC involved, obviously). DH has suggested they come for two weeks. But I’m completely anxious about a) upsetting my family after I told them no, and b) just hate myself that I selfishly want the whole month just bonding as a family and devoting it to DS’s therapy and not risking anything impacting on it. AIBU to say no to everyone now?

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 31/12/2020 19:56

Trying to muscle in on a child's therapy trip to get a free holiday/accommodation is really low.

Milkshake7489 · 31/12/2020 19:57

It would be horribly unfair to allow your inlaws to visit when you have told your parents no.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/12/2020 20:04

It's very noticeable that the attraction seems to be the improved accommodation, and watching them enjoying it while you're having to worry about your DC could be difficult - and that's if they're prepared to help, which their previous absence from the stays suggests they might not

I agree with PPs that already having refused your own DPs makes this untenable, but even if that wasn't the case I'd still keep it to your own immediate family ... maybe you could suggest doing something else with the others?

notapizzaeater · 31/12/2020 20:04

Could they actually help you with the therapy ? Babysitting ?

diddl · 31/12/2020 20:06

So people are only interested because you've booked bigger accomodation & they could stay with you ("rent free"?)

They've never before asked if they should come & stay nearby to help/support/meet in the evenings-even though you always go to the same place?

schween · 31/12/2020 20:54

The therapist arrives at 8am, I stay during fir four hours. Not to drop feed; but that’s one reason we chose this accommodation- because I don’t drive, and it’s central. Which means we could alternate the therapy and taking our other DC out of the way. (Previously my DH took the other DC out as we were remote and only he drives). Which means either I spend the valuable bonding time with my other DC alongside my in-laws, or, I do all the therapy again.)

OP posts:
happystone · 31/12/2020 21:01

Say no not fair on your parents. Also explain it’s not a holiday

happystone · 31/12/2020 21:02

Your pil should understand

schween · 31/12/2020 21:04

Not ABA no, but I know of it : )

OP posts:
schween · 31/12/2020 21:07

It’s physical, although emotional needs aren’t out of the equation; just not diagnosed as yet. The therapy itself is hard work and can be emotionally draining nonetheless. As I type this you’re making me realise (along with others) that the focus does really need to be on my son. We’re going to be paying £10k on therapy - why would I risk anything knocking him off for course 😩

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 31/12/2020 21:25

Yanbu at all. The therapy sessions sound quite intense and draining and you will probably want to chill afterwards. Also wondering what kind of therapy it is (I have children with disabilities and I'm nosy!)

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 23:07

You have to tell them NO.. it's so inappropriate it's shocking they have all actually asked.. 🌺

5zeds · 01/01/2021 09:16

I don’t think it’s shocking they asked. I also have an child with additional needs and I think it’s fairly common for people to understand on one hand and simultaneously totally not get it. Just think of all the people who tell you to apply for DLA and then act as though it’s fun money.

I’m a bit older and my children are reaching adulthood. Honestly if they said “no” to me and then “yes” to in-laws I think it would really hurt. Don’t be that person.

So for me protecting the dcs therapy and saving my parents deep hurt would make this easy. The only thing really holding you back is that you’d prefer them not to come. I find that hard too, but I don’t think it’s what IS driving your choices. It would be right to say “no”.

schween · 01/01/2021 11:21

Thank you. Some wise words here. And I take it all the chin. Even the kind stuff has reminded me I’m putting my guilt/feelings above DC needs. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 01/01/2021 11:32

Are they wanting to stay in your accommodation?

Easier said than done but I'd say no.
Why do people invite themselves on other people's trips?
Hate it.

froggybiby · 01/01/2021 11:48

Best of luck with the therapy. I wouldn't agree with them coming either Flowers It wouldn't be fair on your parents & we don't know how things will be when it comes to the pandemic so you don't want people in/out of the flat.

BlueThistles · 09/01/2021 05:04

Did you tell them they could not come OP and cancel the brother too 🌺

tara66 · 09/01/2021 06:01

You all seem to be thinking travelling for this trip will be possible??
Er - re. the virus?

peak2021 · 09/01/2021 07:22

It is not a holiday. YANBU.

schween · 09/01/2021 10:41

I’ve got as far as discussing it with DH and he’s in agreement that we say no to everyone and re-focus on the therapy. I must now chase him to talk it through with his DP!

OP posts:
Heartlantern2 · 09/01/2021 10:45

I understand what your saying and agree with you, but I do think you are being a bit starry eyed about a whole month of family bonding and relax time-it’s a month, 4 weeks- it won’t be like that and you will get lonely and would have proffered a tiny bit of company and additional support plus maybe a nights childcare so you and your husband can have a much served night out for dinner.

I think 2 weeks is fine. Don’t tell your family.

schween · 09/01/2021 13:21

We’ve done it 3 times before and never got lonely! There’s no time, haha!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page