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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want in-laws on our ‘holiday’?

72 replies

schween · 31/12/2020 17:58

One of our DC has a disability; we travel to the US for month-long intensive therapy that is not available in the UK. We’ve been 3 times in the last 4 years. When lock-down hit this year, we were in a very ‘feck it’ frame of mind, and booked a much nicer accommodation than we have previously, for 2021. (It’s double the price, quadruple as nice - a ‘bargain’.) My parents immediately suggested they visit whilst we’re there - I said no. (My parents are sometimes hard work.) Then my brother and SIL asked the same - they already live in US albeit other coast. I said they could come for first weekend only before we start the therapy - that this isn’t a ‘holiday’ and we don’t want DS distracted. All fine... then at Xmas, my in-laws also requested a stay. I feel more pressure with this one. First off, FIL is genuinely interested in history and there’s a lot of civil war background to the area we go to. Secondly they recently offered to give us a partial early inheritance to knock through our kitchen wall. They are more easy going than my parents. But I’m still unhappy about it, and I hate myself for it. We don’t get to ‘holiday’ aside from these therapy trips. It’s our only chance at ‘family time’ - but, it is a whole month; which I know is more than most get; but it is four hours of therapy a day which isn’t exclusively a ‘holiday’. It can be very draining and hard work (more so for the DC involved, obviously). DH has suggested they come for two weeks. But I’m completely anxious about a) upsetting my family after I told them no, and b) just hate myself that I selfishly want the whole month just bonding as a family and devoting it to DS’s therapy and not risking anything impacting on it. AIBU to say no to everyone now?

OP posts:
ancientgran · 31/12/2020 18:46

Do you attend the therapy or do the drop off/pick up? If it is just drop off/pick up maybe suggest they'd like to stay for a week and look after your son and you and your husband have a week to explore. Interesting to see if they are as keen.

SynchroSwimmer · 31/12/2020 18:49

“Becuase it’s a therapy trip for DS rather than a holiday, it wouldn’t work for us.
It would be great though if we could do something all together for an actual holiday - lets get a big house in Cornwall at half term and have a big gathering together then?”

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 18:53

Just say NO... you've already told your Parents No so you cannot reasonably tell his parents yes... that would be unreasonable.. and seriously rude. In all honesty you should have told your Brother/SIL No too... one rule fits all..

good luck with your Childs treatment/therapy OP .. I hope it all goes well Flowers

Viviennemary · 31/12/2020 18:54

I don't think you can say no to one set and yes to another without causing offence. The promise of money but with ties. Not good.

MichelleScarn · 31/12/2020 18:57

How many dc do you have? You said the time on holiday is devoted to the therapy, what do the other dc do when the therapy is occurring? Maybe the ils could do something fun with them?

MadeForThis · 31/12/2020 18:57

I would easily say no. If they want to give you money for renovations that's a separate matter.

If they want to come and stay somewhere close then they are welcome to.

MistletoeandGin · 31/12/2020 18:58

I don't understand - haven't you spent the last 9 months having bonding time and not seeing relatives?

We haven’t all been baking banana bread and ‘making memories’... a lot of us have continued to work full time throughout. Hardly bonding time.

OP I’d say no... you can’t say no to one set of parents and yes to another.

ktp100 · 31/12/2020 19:00

Do they know that you already turned your parents down for a visit? It's awfully cheeky of them to even ask if they already know that.

I'd be tempted to just say sorry, you've already told other family members that you will not be having guests while there, that the therapy is arduous and that all time not consumed by that will be your only precious family time away this year.

Would you consider seeing them for a few days if they booked their own accommodation over there?

Icanseewhyichangednyusername · 31/12/2020 19:02

How will you all manage
to socially distance if they were expecting to join you?

MistletoeandGin · 31/12/2020 19:04

@Icanseewhyichangednyusername

How will you all manage to socially distance if they were expecting to join you?
There’s always one. I assume they’ll abide by the rules of the area they’re visiting. And has we have no idea what those rules are now, and certainly now what they’ll be at the time of the trip, it’s completely irrelevant to the question in hand.
CharlotteRose90 · 31/12/2020 19:04

Say no to everyone otherwise looks like your picking sides

bossyrossy · 31/12/2020 19:09

You haven’t mentioned social distancing due to Covid. Surely all these different people coming to stay and visit presents a huge risk to your DC and the rest of the family. Tell them they can’t come.

Calmandmeasured1 · 31/12/2020 19:10

Tell them you said no to your parents so you can't treat them differently
This.

(Also, they aren't giving you an early inheritance if you then feel it comes with strings attached).

Butterymuffin · 31/12/2020 19:11

I see why you feel them giving you renovation money makes it slightly awkward. However, is this basically coming out of what's been marked out as your DH's inheritance? If so then it's less an issue in my view as it's more his money but being made available early.

Overall I think the point that you've said no to other family members so, to be fair, you're saying the same to everyone, is the best line to take.

Maybe you could plan a trip together another time and cost it up with them from the start. It's always awkward when one group chooses and budgets for something then another group asks to join. Both can end up with their noses out of joint for different reasons.

WhySoSensitive · 31/12/2020 19:12

You can’t agree to them and not your family. It’s everyone or no one in my opinion!

greenlynx · 31/12/2020 19:14

I think your DH has to explain them nicely that you decided not to have anyone and said no to your parents and other relatives already. You allowed BIL to come but only for 2 days.

MindyStClaire · 31/12/2020 19:17

Yes you have two easy outs here - your DC doesn't need distractions, and you've told your parents no for that reason. Only the most unreasonable people wouldn't understand that.

It seems like you think the kitchen money comes with strings, does it? They sound like reasonable people. Our parents have both been generous in the past and we never had a hint it came with strings, they may not be thinking that way at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2020 19:17

Just say no and that it would be too much for your ds. He is going through the treatment. He takes priority over a bunch of adults.

Icanseewhyichangednyusername · 31/12/2020 19:27

@Icanseewhyichangednyusername

How will you all manage to socially distance if they were expecting to join you?
I was aiming to sugest thats the stance OP could take to diplomatically shut down the grandparents. still a valid point though
Knittedfairies · 31/12/2020 19:27

That 'early inheritance' will come with strings not ribbons. The visit is not a holiday for you; you'll need downtime from the therapy without worrying about entertaining visitors. Extra people who are on holiday will change the dynamics considerably and your focus needs to be on your son. Say no.

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 31/12/2020 19:28

They wouldn't be able to anyway, would they? The US are not letting non US citizens in for holidays right now.

Craiglang · 31/12/2020 19:35

I'd say no. Maybe they could come, stay somewhere close to you and visit places together, but that's as far as I would go. I'd tell them it's about DS' needs, not theirs or yours.

(Curious, is it ABA you're going for?)

5zeds · 31/12/2020 19:40

Is it physical therapy or behavioural/emotional? If the later I think it would be an awful thing to do to dc.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/12/2020 19:46

@RandomMess

I would explain that lots of family have asked and you've said no to all requests because it won't work for you guys.
As Random says.

You will be stressed and exhausted. You will just want to enjoy a bit o private family time with your child between therapy sessions -you won't have the energy to bother with having family around.

Even when you love people to bits, you can do without them being under your feet when you have other things to cope with.

They didn't want to come and assist you when you were in bog-standard accommodation, so it obviously isn't your health they are thinking about now- it's themselves. They'll just be an extra drain on your limited energy.

If they want to go to the US you can't stop them, but tell them they can't stay with you, though you will be able to meet up for a meal or a day out when therapy sessions give you an opportunity.

blablablaa · 31/12/2020 19:50

OP it's your life and your "holiday", do what makes you happy!

I keep seeing posts/ hearing friends complain about similar scenarios. I don't understand why some people think they are entitled to spend time with someone and get upset if they're told no. Everyone has different needs. You wanting family quality time doesn't mean you love the rest of the family less. They should respect your decision and not take it personal