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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband getting annoyed with my decisions. AIBU?

65 replies

Felicius15 · 31/12/2020 15:43

Over the last couple of weeks I have made a number of decisions affecting Our family. Some are very minor, some a bit more important. I always ask his input and always agrees with what I’ve said without contributing anything himself. It’s now become clear that he’s not happy with some of these decisions and is being passive aggressive with me, rather than telling me what the problem is. This isn’t a new problem but seems to have intensified recently. AIBU in finding this annoying and does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this without it turning into an argument?

OP posts:

TeenPlusTwenties · 31/12/2020 15:46

Get his explicit agreement before making the decision, not just input into pros and cons?

pinkyredrose · 31/12/2020 15:48

He's an indecisive twat. He had plenty of opportunity to speak up, tough if he doesn't like the end result. He should remove his head from his arse.

LouiseTrees · 31/12/2020 15:49

Tell him you are not a mind reader and you asked for his input at the time. That you want him to input and speak up at the right time. However the the decisions you have currently made, if they are potentially reversible tell him that is the case but that he’d need to speak up now.

MsVestibule · 31/12/2020 15:49

It’s now become clear that he’s not happy with some of these decisions and is being passive aggressive with me, rather than telling me what the problem is.

In what way is he being passive aggressive with you? What is he actually saying?

BubblyBarbara · 31/12/2020 15:50

Call it what it is. He doesn’t have your back or respect you enough to rely on your good judgment.

MrsWhistledown · 31/12/2020 15:50

Hmm I think it depends what the decisions are tbh but yanbu to find it annoying that he never gives his input then moans about it later

Preparedtobetoldimwrong · 31/12/2020 15:54

It depends on what the issues are. If it’s something like interior design for example and he didn’t care enough to get involved then he’s at fault. However, my SIL has a habit of asking DB to make a choice about something when he is busy (he works from home) as she knows he won’t really be paying attention. That’s a bit unfair in my opinion.

Original poster

Felicius15 · 31/12/2020 16:01

@MsVestibule

It’s now become clear that he’s not happy with some of these decisions and is being passive aggressive with me, rather than telling me what the problem is.

In what way is he being passive aggressive with you? What is he actually saying?

We needed a plumber yesterday, kitchen was in danger of flooding. I called a plumber. Turned out it was something we could probably have fixed ourselves. Now he keeps passive aggressively dropping into the conversation that it’s probably going to cost us a fortune for the callout. But he could have said no to the plumber/ tried to fix it himself/ cancelled the plumber but didn’t. And we would have potentially a flooded kitchen

OP posts:

Preparedtobetoldimwrong · 31/12/2020 16:09

So you needed a plumber, he agreed and now he’s cross you called a plumber? He’s being an idiot. Did he look at the problem first?

Holly60 · 31/12/2020 16:11

Next time you could try ‘would you like to try and fix it, or should we call a plumber?’ You’ve given 2 options and he can have the final say which means he can’t get annoyed by it.

Theunamedcat · 31/12/2020 16:12

There is a big difference between "probably" could have fixed it and "knowing" how to fix it and if he knew why didn't he just fix it?

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 31/12/2020 16:12

You probably need to be a plumber to know you didn't need a plumber. If he didn't know what to do, why should you?

Preparedtobetoldimwrong · 31/12/2020 16:15

Did he speak with the plumber? Did he say something like ‘you could have fixed this yourself mate’ and his ego has been dented?

Gliblet · 31/12/2020 16:16

What a massive cop-out. He's putting himself firmly out of range of any criticism and loading it all on to you. As long as he refuses to take responsibility for anything, nothing can possibly be his fault. It's an extension of passive-aggressive behaviour. Google 'the drama triangle', I'd be prepared to bet you'll recognise the victim profile.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 31/12/2020 16:16

What happens when you say something like 'I'm frustrated that we made what I thought was a joint decision and now it seems as though you're annoyed at me for it, what do you think we should do differently next time something like that happens'

Are you sure he is pissed off at you specifically though? Saying it's annoying it's going to cost loads of money isnt actually saying its your fault. Sometimes my husband thinks I'm having a go at him in this situation and I'm not, im just having a general grumpy about spending loads of money or whatever rather than blaming him for the situation but he can sometimes take it personally. If I was annoyed with him I'd tell him

Haggertyjane · 31/12/2020 16:17

Why didn't you ask him if he was able to fix it before calling a plumber? He's right you should discuss things before making a decision which is going to cost a lot of unnecessary money wasted

Original poster

Felicius15 · 31/12/2020 16:26

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

You probably need to be a plumber to know you didn't need a plumber. If he didn't know what to do, why should you?

Exactly this

OP posts:

bluebeck · 31/12/2020 16:27

I used to have a housemate like this. I took to getting her to put things in writing so she couldn't come back and moan afterwards although she still bloody tried

butterpuffed · 31/12/2020 16:28

It reads as if you called a plumber before you told him and wasn't involved in the decision.

Original poster

Felicius15 · 31/12/2020 16:29

@Haggertyjane

Why didn't you ask him if he was able to fix it before calling a plumber? He's right you should discuss things before making a decision which is going to cost a lot of unnecessary money wasted

I did ask him. This is the point of my post!

OP posts:

ReggaePerrin · 31/12/2020 16:32

Did he make any effort to look at or fix the problem before agreeing that you needed a plumber?

Preparedtobetoldimwrong · 31/12/2020 16:33

What other examples have there been, apart from the plumber?

Locationunknown · 31/12/2020 16:34

I had this with my DH once. The solution is to agree with him and then complain more than him. So in this instance, next time he says 'we could probably have fixed that for half the cost' - you say 'yes, you're right. Damn. It's so annoying. It's going to cost loads more than necessary.' Then keep harping on about it and bring it up every half an hour or so.

He will get so fed up of you moaning that he dare not mention it himself. Sounds daft but it works, try it.

Yamayo · 31/12/2020 16:34

So basically he is setting you up for failure. You get the final say (not by choice) and then get criticised for it.
It's a mindfuck.

Only thing you can do is next time- sit him down, present him with options, tell him it is his call and leave him to it.
If the kitchen gets flooded it's his call and he sorts it.

knittingaddict · 31/12/2020 16:38

I would also like to know what the other decisions were.

In our house I wouldn't have called the plumber until my husband had a look first, but he's very competent with diy and he's also good at knowing when a job is beyond his skills. That obviously isn't true of everyone.

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