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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband getting annoyed with my decisions. AIBU?

65 replies

Felicius15 · 31/12/2020 15:43

Over the last couple of weeks I have made a number of decisions affecting Our family. Some are very minor, some a bit more important. I always ask his input and always agrees with what I’ve said without contributing anything himself. It’s now become clear that he’s not happy with some of these decisions and is being passive aggressive with me, rather than telling me what the problem is. This isn’t a new problem but seems to have intensified recently. AIBU in finding this annoying and does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this without it turning into an argument?

OP posts:
Affor · 31/12/2020 16:39

Then next time he brings up the plumber I'd go with "I know, what a waste. If only you'd said you could have fixed it, when we discussed it'.

Make it his fault and I bet he'll stop complaining.

damnthemanatee · 31/12/2020 16:43

I can't stand this type of bullshit. Honestly, why do we pander to this crap?

My partner knows very well by now that if he isn't willing to discuss or research something with me then he is in no position to bitch and whine if he doesn't like the outcome.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2020 16:54

You need to look at the totality of this behaviour and decide if he just doesn't listen when you're talking or if he's doing this on purpose to control you.

Yes, it's controlling when someone purposely agrees (even vaguely) to what you say then criticizes your decision. It's designed to make you insecure and feel like you must rely on them make all the decisions because you're 'incapable' of rational thought. This leads to believing that you 'can't live without them' and you end up being controlled for fear they will leave you 'on your own'.

Of course, if it's like my DH, half the time he just doesn't really pay attention and says "Whatever you want, Love". Then later he may say "What did you do that for?". But at least when I tell him I TOLD him and it's not my fault he didn't pay attention, he agrees and shuts up.

Eckhart · 31/12/2020 17:01

What does he say if you say to him 'Why didn't you mention at the time that you knew how to fix it?'

Directly questioning passive aggressive behaviour can stop it because it puts the responsibility for the complaint back in the right place, when they're trying to lay it at your feet.

RedskyAtnight · 31/12/2020 17:04

Do you have form for ignoring any opinion he does offer, so he's decided it's not worth bothering any more?

So in your plumber example, if he'd said "why don't I have a look at it first, it might be perfectly simple to fix" - would you have reacted with "Great - go ahead" or would you have pointed out that he had no plumbing skills, would likely make it worse and you would go and ring the plumber now?

Jobsharenightmare · 31/12/2020 17:05

I would agree with him and say " yes I hope it isn't too much money. it's such a shame you didn't say, don't call a plumber I will try and fix it first" then walk off.

Sn0tnose · 31/12/2020 17:07

If you’re asking for his input and he’s not giving you any alternatives or telling you that he doesn’t agree with what you want to do, then he can’t complain.

Is this a usual thing? Does he just sit there like a drip and let all the responsibilities for running the house sit on your shoulders? If there was a family emergency, would he look at you to fix everything?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2020 17:09

I'd be telling him that if he can't be arsed to be a part of the solution, he doesn't get a vote or opinion.

NataliaOsipova · 31/12/2020 17:11

My mother is like this: won’t make a decision herself, but then carps on at any decision that has been made. Everyone is a genius with hindsight. You called things for the best with the best information that you had at the time....and without any input from your DH. He can keep his input after the fact to himself....

2020isalmosthindsight · 31/12/2020 17:12

Your DH kind of sounds like a buck-passing dick.

HmmSureJan · 31/12/2020 17:25

@Locationunknown

I had this with my DH once. The solution is to agree with him and then complain more than him. So in this instance, next time he says 'we could probably have fixed that for half the cost' - you say 'yes, you're right. Damn. It's so annoying. It's going to cost loads more than necessary.' Then keep harping on about it and bring it up every half an hour or so.

He will get so fed up of you moaning that he dare not mention it himself. Sounds daft but it works, try it.

That made me Grin. You should be a relationship counsellor!
BuntysTwinkle · 31/12/2020 17:26

Get his explicit agreement before making the decision

So she does all the legwork, and waits for him to deign to give his approval??

Shoxfordian · 31/12/2020 17:27

He sounds annoying
Is he often like this?

ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 17:31

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

You probably need to be a plumber to know you didn't need a plumber. If he didn't know what to do, why should you?
That is an excellent point.
TonMoulin · 31/12/2020 17:36

I would tell him that next time, he is the one dealing with it all as obviously he can do better.

So tomorrow when there is one of the many decisions to take, I’d tell him to deal with it and leave him to it. And find how hard it is to actually do all that/decide etc....

steppemum · 31/12/2020 17:41

Call him out on it.
Dh we discussed it, you said you couldn't fix it, so I called the plumber. Now you are saying that you could fix it. Do you know how frustrating it is that you now claim you could have when at the time you said you couldn't?

I am not a mind reader, and a decision had to be made. If you could have done it and were prepared to have a go, you should have spoken up then and done it. Please do not now complain, because you didn't step up to the plate, that was your choice not mine. Please also do not 'blame me' for calling a plumber. You were there when the choice was made.

Ilovenewyear · 31/12/2020 17:43

Let him deal with it next time and if the kitchen floods (for example) he deals with that too. I know it may appear to be cutting off your nose to spite your face, but how else will he learn/change?

mellicauli · 31/12/2020 17:54

Maybe this is a territory thing. You trespassed on his domain, now it's turning out badly he's using it as an opportunity to re-assert his rights.
If you came into my kitchen and burnt one of my saucepans I might moan about it too.

TheNoodlesIncident · 31/12/2020 17:56

Why didn't you ask him if he was able to fix it before calling a plumber? He's right you should discuss things before making a decision which is going to cost a lot of unnecessary money wasted

Why wasn't he stepping up without OP having to ask him to have a look at it? If I say to my DH that I think there's a problem with something he goes to check it and assess it himself. I don't have to say, "DH go look at that"? And why is it OP's fault if knucklehead there could've fixed it but didn't know what to do?

Somethingkindaoooo · 31/12/2020 17:59

Ex DH used to do this.

Would leave all decision making up to me, then criticise/ get angry/ blame me after.

His family thought I was controlling, when actually I was desperate to have an equal relationship where we discussed things.

It was all part of a bigger problem ( mummy issues etc).

May not be in your case, but I do understand how frustrating it is
💐

NiceGerbil · 31/12/2020 18:02

How it would work here

One of us
Oh shit there's a leak looks bad
Gets other one
Where's the stop cock again?
Where is it coming from?
Shall we have a go?
Both look at it
Hmm don't want to fuck it up better call a plumber

Where's the communication OP? Sounds like you said shit there's a leak better call a plumber. He said yep, failing to spring into action and fix it. And now he's pissed off you called a plumber.

He's being a dick.

NiceGerbil · 31/12/2020 18:02

And lol at the plumbing being the 'territory' of the man of the house Grin

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 31/12/2020 18:09

@mellicauli

Maybe this is a territory thing. You trespassed on his domain, now it's turning out badly he's using it as an opportunity to re-assert his rights. If you came into my kitchen and burnt one of my saucepans I might moan about it too.
Did the last 500 years not happen to you?
SpaceOp · 31/12/2020 18:23

He sounds v annoying. The only time I would consider you to be at fault rather than him is if you ask him in passing, when he's busy/distrated etc and then go and make decision and put it into action immediately. I say this as sometimes DH will want me to come and make a decision/provide input on something INSTANTLY and it's not a good time for me because I'm in the middle of something. So short of it being so important as otherwise the house would burn down, I'd be pretty annoyed.

But broadly, if he hasn't wanted input or has provided input, he doesn't then get to complain.

BackforGood · 31/12/2020 18:26

What Affor and what Eckhart said.