Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad at other people's lives and children

157 replies

TheBuffster · 30/12/2020 15:00

I am so sad. I have lost everything. I had a loving husband and a baby on the way, a secure job and supportive family.
Husband and I made some mistakes during labour and now ds is on the path to having cerebral palsy diagnosed.
My relationship with DH is in tatters. I can't stop thinking about the birth. I resent my friend's with all their pregnancy and happy families. My family are strained because of my depression and ds doesn't sleep.

OP posts:
PaxMalmKallax · 30/12/2020 15:03

I am so sorry you are feeling this way and you have clearly been through a very difficult time. I am curious why you think you and DH are to blame?

JillofTrades · 30/12/2020 15:05

Sorry you are going through a hard time op. Why do you blame yourselves?

Member984815 · 30/12/2020 15:07

I'm sorry you feel so bad and that it's your fault, why do you think that? It's a tough time for all of ye but don't be so hard on yourself

Glitteryone · 30/12/2020 15:09

Please don’t blame yourself.

No ones life is perfect, it may look like it from the outside but it’s not.

Ohalrightthen · 30/12/2020 15:10

You must make sure you get help for your mental health. And unless you and your DP completely refused all medical assistance and decided to freebirth, you are not to blame.

JADS · 30/12/2020 15:11

I don't think it's your fault Op. It is also fine to grieve for the life you expected. Is there any counselling you can access? You sound like usual need support.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 30/12/2020 15:12

This may not comfort you in any way yet but I've a friend whose DS has CP. He is the centre of her and her DHs world. Yes, his life and needs are different to what they expected and it was a horrific shock, but having him has become one of the greatest positives in their life. He's 8 now. The only advice I can give you is to be kind to yourself. Labour is complex and none of us really have much control of how it goes. Take care of yourself first here, get the support and treatment you need for the depression you're struggling with. And hopefully you will in time find the family you always wanted was there all along. I hope I haven't said that wrong.

Original poster
TheBuffster · 30/12/2020 15:13

My waters broke and we waited 48 hours to get induced.
That and we got fobbed off about ds jaundice after birth because of lockdown. No one would see us and kept saying he's probably fine. He may have got cp either way as we have not had MRI yet. Not even sure if we'll be able to tell.
I just hate my life ATM. Could never have believed it if you'd have said dh and I would be in this state. It's breaking me. And us.

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 30/12/2020 15:15

It sounds like you are going through a very very hard time. Please don't blame yourself. Is there support available through your hospital or whoever is treating DS? Can you be put in touch with other parents who have been through similar?

I'm sure you're already aware of this charity but just in case
www.cerebralpalsy.org.uk/

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/12/2020 15:15

My friends DC has CP. They have done brilliantly, better than anyone expected when they were a baby. Turns out that while they have some physical limitation, they are clearly quite academic/bright and look likely to thrive at school. They are a beautiful child and very social popular.

Ohalrightthen · 30/12/2020 15:15

OP, you need to speak to your own GP and get some additional support

Original poster
TheBuffster · 30/12/2020 15:17

I'm getting psychologist help from mother and baby team but find them very unhelpful. They keep making it about childhood stuff and I just want to scream I am sad because I disabled my baby FFS. Not some childhood trauma.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBuffster · 30/12/2020 15:21

Already on a cocktail of antidepressants.
Which is so not me.
Before this I was bouncy and active. This has just destroyed me.

OP posts:
Northernmummy80 · 30/12/2020 15:25

Ahhh OP this is awful and I’m so sorry. I can’t believe that they aren’t understanding it’s about the guilt you have not something from your past. Pfft I’m annoyed for you!

However I do have a hopeful story for you! My friends little one was born prematurely and it was picked up at the 6 week check that they might have CP. Like your little one they went though loads of test and they didn’t have CP just hyper mobility. She has therapy for her joints but is a bright happy little lady.

I hope one day you can forgive yourself. It’s completely normal in this situation to be annoyed / jealous of other people

Submariner · 30/12/2020 15:27

Oh bless you OP. No-one can take that feeling of guilt away from you, but believe me it's not your fault. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Sounds like your little one is very young? My son is 9 and has cerebral palsy and so does another child in our extended family. Both are happy, funny, creative clever boys. Neither of them is going to play football for England and both of them took longer to learn to ride a bike, use cutlery etc, but hey ho! Two colleagues of mine have cerebral palsy and have more physical difficulties but both are wonderful people who are friendly, perceptive and a joy to spend time with. Cerebral palsy is such a wide ranging diagnosis. It's really not possible to see how it will pan out when they're babies and there's more support available now for physio and OT. Go easy on yourself lovely, none of this is your fault and it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

Big unmumsnetty hugs to you and your precious baby.

Original poster
TheBuffster · 30/12/2020 15:28

LO already has symptoms, it's why we're getting the MRI. I just am so angry and sad this is my life and that this happened.

OP posts:
AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 30/12/2020 15:29

I don't think what you did was too unusual- I waited more than 48 hours to be induced after my waters broke and had to have an emc.

Accidents and tragedies can happen during birth, but they are so very, very, very rarely the parents' fault. Every choice you made on that day you made with love and for the best. Please don't beat yourself up over this. It's so easy to say 'what if' and be cruel to your part self instead of showing yourself some love and compassion during this horrible, tough time Thanks

ZenNudist · 30/12/2020 15:31

This isn't your fault. It's just bad luck. The doctors would force you to have an induction if it was so damn dangerous. The fact is that lots of people have a long time from waters breaking until birth and this doesn't happen. You have been unfortunate. Stop saying you disabled your baby please.

YANBU to be sad about other people's seemingly better lives. I'd usually say comparison is the thief of joy and dwelling on this jealousy isn't helping you.

ShinyGreenElephant · 30/12/2020 15:39

Oh I'm so sorry, thats really hard. I understand the guilt, I went to ibiza before I knew I was pregnant with DD and took SO many drugs, like an absolute ridiculous cocktail of drugs that could have killed me never mind her. When I found out afterwards that I was pregnant I was utterly horrified and I've never fully got over the guilt. She was born quite small and while she put on weight fine she was on the 2nd percentile until about 5, really short and delicate, and I honestly tortured myself over it. My next DD was titchy as well and I can confidently say I didnt take anything untoward with her! These things happen and I'm sure its not your fault. Even if it could have been prevented then you were doing your best with the information you had and no matter what, you're not to blame. Easy for me to say I know but please be kind to yourself.

Butchyrestingface · 30/12/2020 15:39

I have a form of acquired CP, OP. Now VERY mild. Due to a very avoidable accident in infancy that was entirely one parents fault. Even then, I would not have wanted them to spent their life making themselves ill over something that can't be changed.

It doesn't sound like you did anything negligent or wrong. A diagnosis will enable your son to start accessing whatever help and support he needs. Have you been in touch with the charity SCOPE? I hope things go well with you all and you are able to make peace with yourself about whatever the diagnosis is.

Mamanyt · 30/12/2020 15:41

I am so sorry. I will tell you that you will adjust, and there is every chance that your precious baby will grow into a happy, fullfilled child...if you allow him to. He will have special needs, and the most special need he will have is parents who love him just as he is. He does not have to be perfect, so long as he is perfectly himself.

But right now is so very rough. Hang in there. Find someone you trust who will allow you to cry, to scream, to rage at how unfair this is (and it is unfair, life is like that) until you have reached a place of peace within you, for yourself and your son. Next, forgive yourself and DH, even if it wasn't your fault. Right now, you blame yourself, and guilt is what is tearing you apart.

I will light a candle for your little family. My heart is with yours.

Ihatefish · 30/12/2020 15:42

Please please stop blaming yourself. Having said that it is very common in the case of a traumatic birth or ones with traumatic outcomes. IME it’s something that is often consciously or unconsciously encouraged by some healthcare professionals.

I would really recommend the birth trauma association they have an extremely supportive Facebook page and have zoom virtual meetings I think every week. People on there have a very wide range of experience-in the years I have been part of the group I have seen nothing but support both practical and emotional -it is open to both mothers and partners.

This is not your fault. It is not your DHs fault. Help for you both is out there beyond just antidepressants (although of course if you choose these might be part of your healing). You’re angry at the injustice, own your anger, accept it but harness its power to fight the right battles, fight for the beautiful new life you and your husband have created, fight against anyone who tries to blame you. You don’t need to fight each other.

OneWildNightWithJBJ · 30/12/2020 15:43

OP. this isn't your fault at all and I hope one day you will realise that. Both my children have different special needs, although we didn't know when they were born. Even though they're older now, I do often look at friends with neurotypical children and feel envious at how easy their lives are (or appear to be), but my kids are amazing and have taught me so much - about myself as well as their conditions.

It's natural to look at other people and feel envious but please try not to. It won't change anything. Your son is here and will brighten your lives every day.

You still have a loving husband and supportive family and now have an amazing addition. I know how hard you must be finding this, but in time, I hope things will be easier for you.

LordOfTheOnionRings · 30/12/2020 15:45

Sending love and support OP. It's not your fault, one day I hope you believe it.

SharedLife · 30/12/2020 15:47

Have the health care professionals made the link between the wait to be induced and the CP? Or is this something you've assumed caused it as a way to explain how this could happen to your baby? Most of the time when things like this happen there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. But its totally natural to try and make some kind of sense out of it, even if that means taking on all the pain and blame yourself.
Have you spoken to the hospital about the birth and your concerns?
So sorry you're going through this Flowers