To be sad at other people's lives and children

[TheBuffster]

I am so sad. I have lost everything. I had a loving husband and a baby on the way, a secure job and supportive family.
Husband and I made some mistakes during labour and now ds is on the path to having cerebral palsy diagnosed.
My relationship with DH is in tatters. I can't stop thinking about the birth. I resent my friend's with all their pregnancy and happy families. My family are strained because of my depression and ds doesn't sleep.

You are scared and grieving. Under the circumstances, your feelings are normal. You will not always feel this way.

Do whatever you need to do to get through this bad time.

I think returning to formal grieving periods when people go through a difficult life event would really help us all. Of course seeing other people’s lives looking normal and easy would be hard right now for you.

I hope your little one will be ok and that the outlook is not as bad as you think. You just have to constantly remind yourself that you have done the best you can under the current circumstances.

OP please don't blame yourself. If your DS has CP it is not down to any decisions you made. It used to be policy that labour was only induced 96 hours after waters breaking. Your decisions have not caused this. Unfortunately it could just be one of those things that you may never have any clear answers as to why it's occurred. I wish you and your family well.

Most of us are stumbling about, trying to follow advice, doing our best and often with little support when it comes to giving birth to a baby. How it turns out is not in our hands for the most part so we can’t take on the guilt when the outcomes aren’t as we hoped. Horribly unfair things happen without fault being attributable to any one person. You did not disable your baby, you did what many of us would have done and you did what you believed was right. I really hope your psychologist will help you with the unfair burden of guilt you have. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you’ve said here if you feel they’re on the wrong track and ask them to explain their rationale for exploring your childhood.

I really hope all of you can get the support you so deserve.

Oh OP, I know it's really really hard to do but please realise it wasn't your fault and you did nothing to influence the outcome, whatever it may be.

Be gentle with yourself.

OP I'm a clinical negligence solicitor.

If your baby does have cerebral palsy it could well have happened even before your waters broke.

A baby can sustain a brain injury during a perfectly standard labour and delivery in the best of hands.

Labour is a risky business, it's just not talked about enough.

Thinking of you. If your psych support isn't helpful, ask to see someone else, it's important you connect with your therapist

I'm so sorry, this is very sad for you. I doubt very much you were to blame for your baby's condition, things happen sometimes for no apparent reason and we can all look back and think, "If only I had done xyz, etc" - but it could have happened anyway.

Your child may be fine, you know. Don't try to anticipate problems which may not arise.

Friends with their seemingly perfect lives and families will have their own problems.

I wish you and your family well.

I’m so sorry you feel this way OP. Please try and stop blaming your self. On the flip side to bring some sort of light to your self.
I spent my entire teenage years volunteering and eventually working with young adults with CP. and I can hands down say they were the most wonderfully intelligent happy and funny people I’ve ever met. I’d go back in a heart beat. One of my best friends has CP and it’s the last thing any one would use for describing him. Hes funny intelligent and kind and with out his CP he simply would not be him.

At the time of delivery eg when we were putting off induction cp was mentioned, but as a reading the options kind of thing. He had an infection at birth and wait and see was the general verdict given. Since starting investigation no one apart from me has explored cause.
Unfortunately I am stuck with the psychologist I have because there's only one in my area. Waited 5 months to be seen as was. Not finding it easy as she just dismisses my guilt out of hand.

Sweetheart you are not responsible for your baby's issues.

My water's broke on a Thursday afternoon, I wasn't admitted for induction until Sunday morning and DD was eventually delivered by EMCS on the Monday morning.

We had some issues after and when I looked it was all within the NICE guidelines which I think stated induction within 92 hours!

Please don't blame yourselves, sometimes shitty things happen to good people, and if it is cerebral palsy there are wide variations in how it presents and lots of support available.

Take care and be kind to yourself

OP, you might not be able to take this on board yet but it really isn’t yours or your husbands fault. It really isn’t. What it is, is incredibly unfair, tough and and a huge shock. This isn’t what you envisaged.
Please believe me when I say it will get better. You need the right support though and if you’re not finding the team you have now helpful do t be afraid to speak up. Can you afford to explore private counselling options?
Hang in there OP.
And remember a person isn’t defined by their disability or illness. There is way more to them than that. Look at your precious little one and learn who they are beyond the struggles. I have no doubt you will discover an amazing little person developing who will surprise you in ways you never imagined. I don’t mean that dismissively.
I hope you find the right support and you get through this quickly. Be compassionate to yourself and don’t place too many expectations on yourself. Take care!

I don’t have anything educational to add but I just want to say, this is not your fault OP neither is it your husbands. I hope you both can find solace in each other to get through this tough time.

You didn't disable your baby. My waters broke and they had me wait to be induced, to see if things got going on their own.

Even if your baby has CP, they can still be happy and successful (have you ever seen Rosie Jones the comedian? She's got CP and she's awesome!)

If you're not getting any sleep, everything will seem 100% worse than it is. How old is your baby?

OP I didn't want to read and run but I have been in your position.

However it was later on down the line when I started noticing things were different, when dd was diagnosed I blamed myself for not taking more care during my pregnancy and I really struggled to accept it. DD is now 7 and absolutely thriving, as hard as it is you need to let go of the guilt and start thinking of all the positives, every milestone they reach is a huge achievement and massively celebrated. I never thought my DD would walk or talk or anything but she does and it just makes it that extra bit special when she achieves things in her own way! X

You haven't lost anything Op. You still have your loving husband, baby, job and family. You have added worry and things may not be as straight forward as you had hoped, but expectations and reality often don't meet up. You wont know if your baby has CP for a while. Mine went through the tests and it turned out she had Erbs palsys caused by birth trauma which has similar symptoms to Cerebral palsy but is caused by damage to the sheath around the nerves which heals over time.

All your reactions and feelings are totally normal. If your son isn't sleeping then that needs to be addressed - could be loads of reasons why, there may be things that can help. Having all these feelings and being sleep deprived is immensely difficult.

Your baby will only be little for a very short time, please don't waste it, enjoy his tinyness, celebrate him and love him, give yourself permission to find joy him in and share it with your husband and family. You can't change what is done, just enjoy the moment.

He's 10 months now. I'm getting more sleep than I was because dh is at home for Christmas. But ds hasn't slept longer than 2 hours at a time since 4 months old.
It's just so sad to think this is it now. I've never been a depressed person and suddenly I need drugs to function. I've also steadily put on weight because I used to be super sporty but now I can't see the point.

OP I couldn’t read and run.
YANBU to feel the way you do. They are your feelings. No one has the right to tell you they are wrong, including the counsellor.

I would recommend joining a support group for parents of children with the condition. Both my DC have different medical conditions. One I always wonder if it was something I did in pregnancy because there’s no genetic component. Unfortunately I’ll never know. I have found support groups a safe place to talk, share, learn and grow. I’ve grown my knowledge of the condition and met like minded people who understand.

Oh and looking at other people’s social media is never particularly helpful. That goes for comparing your homeschool experience, looking at kids behaviour, toys, clothes, days out, homes, jobs, relationships ..... it’s known as ‘fakebook’ for a reason.

Different types of therapy work for different people. Honestly it isn't helpful to just stick with someone hoping they'll suddenly change their way of working. I know you say they're it, perhaps stick with it for now and if/when diagnosis is made contact a CP charity for some support, once this week is over, maybe consider contacting them for support before diagnosis is made.

Congratulations Op on the birth of your son

Don't envy others, you have a lovely son, some couples will never ever have that. Put all your energy and emotions into giving that little boy the best life you can, Stop blaming yourself and your DH and concentrate on being the best parents you can be to him.
Your emotions are understandable, but stop thinking about others and concentrate on those around you who need you.
(I'm sorry if I sound harsh but it is meant with love)

I have a friend with CP and he's fantastic, known him since we were teenagers and he's received great support through all stages of his life. You are not to blame, you can't change anything, all you can do is be positively active from this point on. Things will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it. I hope you can find better support from a psych.

Same thing happened to me, right down the infection after birth, and dc has no medical conditions resulting from it. I say this not to make you feel bad but to highlight that it is NOT your fault. Given the title of your post I was expecting you to say you’d refused all medical intervention and insisted on giving birth in the middle of Stonehenge by moonlight or something. And even if you had, it still wouldn’t be your fault. These things happen, it’s shit, you have every right to feel angry and sad and grieve.
Your baby is very young and as others have said, cerebral palsy covers a massive spectrum of different levels of ability/difficulty. Give yourself time to process things

You poor thing. Not your fault or your DH, I went three days after waters broke before going in to birth centre to give birth. There were no complications with the birth or baby afterwards. You are worn out and exhausted. I hope you get more support in real life. I also sympathise with psychologist talking about your childhood, what crap is that about. If they aren’t helping you don’t feel obliged to go.

Thanks for your kind words everyone. Just hoping to get through this somehow.

OP, it sounds like you've had a hell of a time.

Birth and having a newborn is an enormous shock to the system and can be really traumatic, let alone having a baby that doesn't sleep (I remember that) and worrying about a disability.

Your guilt is symptomatic of being depressed. And depression is a natural reaction to all of the stress you've been through and are going through.

I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor, and have support from your GP. It may take some time to recover. Please be extra gentle with yourself.

Do you have plenty help when your OH is working? Can you ask for help, find a childminder, ask family or friends to help out? It can be so hard with a tiny baby and I found asking for help very difficult.

Sending massive love and hugs to you OP.

My twins are 4 now. One was very sick as soon as he was born. Various diagnoses along the way and both diagnosed with autism age 2.

I understand what you’re feeling right now. It’s so overwhelming and nothing like you expected and it all feels so unfair, especially when you are surrounded by other people’s healthy, typical children. It’s okay to feel this way - it’s a shock and you need to navigate things you didn’t expect.

We have had a hard couple of years but my boys have just started at a brilliant specialist school and things are looking up. I still have my moments for sure, but overall I don’t feel that crushing sadness and fear that I used to feel.

I know lots of children with CP as DT2 has a type of brain damage which often causes it, although he doesn’t have it. They all achieve so much and you will find a way through this and learn as you go.

Hang in there and be kind to each other - access some counselling if you need to. So many relationships break down in this sort of situation because you’re both going through things in different ways at different times - talk to each other, support each other, try to avoid blame and resentment. Your baby is wonderful, they will be wonderful, your road might be different but that doesn’t mean it won’t be full of joy, just in different ways. But for now, accept how you feel because how you feel is valid.

Perhaps the physiologist is trying to explore why you are so determined to take on the blame for something that she and by the sounds of it the other medical professionals do not see as your fault. Maybe they feel something in your past has predisposed you to feel this burden of guilt and by exploring that you may be able to find a way past this and see that you are not to blame at all. Xx