To be sad at other people's lives and children

[TheBuffster]

I am so sad. I have lost everything. I had a loving husband and a baby on the way, a secure job and supportive family.
Husband and I made some mistakes during labour and now ds is on the path to having cerebral palsy diagnosed.
My relationship with DH is in tatters. I can't stop thinking about the birth. I resent my friend's with all their pregnancy and happy families. My family are strained because of my depression and ds doesn't sleep.

It absolutely isn't your fault, you didn't disable your baby.

I know it's impossible to hear right now. My mum killed herself two years ago, and i absolutely blames myself for not being there for her as much as I used to be and for telling her she couldn't come and live with me a few months before her death. Nothing anyone could say could convince me that it wasn't my fault. And then suddenly someone did and I was able to slowly, slowly see that the part I played was only one part of a massive pattern of things that led to that moment - it's the same with your decision to delay induction, there is nothing to say inducing earlier would have had a better outcome, induction comes with its own risks and some much higher than the risk of delaying induction causing infection, or that infection having a negative outcome for baby. Your caregivers all played a part in your decision making, and your child's subsequent care. This is not on you or your decisions. One day you will see that ❤️

OP you sound like you’re a great mum. You’re looking for answers, pushing for solutions and it sounds like you want the absolute best for your baby. Many new mums battle depression so please don’t be hard on yourself for how you’re feeling or that you need medication. It may feel desperate now as you adjust to your new normal but keep going...

@Draineddraineddrained sorry for your loss

OP I'm so sorry. Please don't blame yourself, it really isn't your fault x

It sounds mad but I honestly believe that every child who is born is born to the right family, the family who can cope with it, manage it.
Your little one needs you and you did everything you can to support them.
You can do this.

I’m am so sorry OP, you must be heartbroken and feeling so low. Having a baby is like setting a grenade off in a relationship, but something like this really does test even the most rock solid of relationships and the individuals within them. Just to echo previous posters, This really isn’t your fault, please don’t beat yourself up about this.

It’s not much to offer up, but one of my dear colleagues had CP; yes she has some limitations, but she lives a fulfilling and frankly delightful life with her soon to be husband. CP has never, not once, held her back from being exactly who she wants to be.

Hi TheBuffster I am also the mother of a DC with cerebral palsy, right sided hemiplegia. Caused by the birth most likely.

Tbh I mostly blame a series of hospital decisions and one midwife in particular. I also feel guilt though, that I didn’t argue with them more and that I couldn’t push her out quicker. I have learned to push these feelings down however, because at the end of the day these feelings don’t help me or her.

What has also helped enormously is that as DD has grown up the things she is great at have come to the fore and her CP has faded into the background. I am no longer envious of other people’s “perfect” children because my child whilst wobbly (physically and emotionally) is bright, beautiful, interesting, funny and I totally wouldn’t trade her for the “perfect” ones. Right now because a diagnosis is looming, that’s all you can think about and I was just the same - but it will become less and less all consuming until some days you will not even think about it. Also your DC is a baby and physical milestones are so focused on at this age, but that’s less and less the case as they get older and you get to see more of his personality.

One other thing - sleep. DD was a shocking sleeper. I will confess that we got through an absolute ton of calpol and nurofen in the night times when she was an older baby and toddler, as it seemed she would only sleep for more than an hour or two if she’d had painkiller. Her CP was undiagnosed at that time and we blamed teeth, but I now believe that her muscles were hurting her - growth spurts still cause her aches and pains due to tight muscles, and of course as a baby and toddler they are growing so fast. So my advice on sleep would be don’t spare the pain medication - within dosage rules of course. Also overtiredness was and sometimes is still a problem for her so get those naps in however you can.

Best wishes - it will get better. PM me if you’d like.

I think it's very hard to not feel guilt over things that our children are afflicted with. I'm not sure that it makes much difference whether we may have held any responsibility in their situation or not - just bringing them into the world seems to make parents (especially mothers) feel guilty when their child suffers anything. It's very difficult to turn the feelings of guilt off.

As for wishing you could go back in time and get induced earlier, there's no particular reason to think it would actually change the outcome. Going in when the midwife first suggested it doesn't mean your baby wouldn't now have CP.
Who's to say that window of time between the midwife saying to come in and you actually arriving is the moment in question?

You acted in a perfectly reasonable way with the best interests of your child at the forefront of your mind (and waiting at home as long as possible to have a stress free labour IS considering your baby's needs). Staying at home another day was not a bad decision, another hospital could well have advised you to wait at home for 48 hours, but you have become fixated on that because it's the only potential factor that you could have had any control over.

This is going to be a tough one to make peace with as you have been carrying this depression and guilt for a while. But you can do it. I would start by switching off all NCT notifications.

Another to add not your fault.
My waters broke Friday afternoon, went to hospital sent away, induced early hours Monday morning- they were too busy Sunday, ds born Monday lunchtime by ecs.

So it's not your fault but rather some hippy drippy pretend Dr that told u to not accept intervention from trained medical staff? You needed to be put on a drip of antibiotics ect to save your babies life and that tosser told you not to have it done and you and your partner are blaming yourselves when you shouldn't be, I'd have that bastard struck off from ever going near a pregnant woman again. See to your baby first and have him properly diagnosed, then seek legal advice.

We followed medical advice, went on the hormone drip due to lack of progress, had an epidural etc. Baby sustained a brain injury due to me being left to push for too long - I regret not challenging the medical advice. Baby also had an infection, which wasn't diagnosed until after birth. Infections can happen even if you birth baby soon after waters breaking.

You can only make the best decisions with the information you have at the time. If you had not waited to be induced there would have been a different course of events but you don't know that things would have been better. This is not your fault.

When actress/comedian Francesca Martinez was diagnosed with CP, doctors told her parents that she will never "lead a normal life". Martinez says "who wants to lead a normal life" " I want to lead an amazing life" and she seems to be doing just that. She has achieved in her life what most so-called nt people can only dream of achieving. What your baby needs is for his mummy and daddy to pull themselves together and give him all the love, care and support he needs for him to thrive. Dont write him off - he can still lead an amazing life.

@justanothermamma

It sounds mad but I honestly believe that every child who is born is born to the right family, the family who can cope with it, manage it. Your little one needs you and you did everything you can to support them. You can do this.

That's another thing that lots of parents of disabled children hate, along with Welcome to Holland, the suggestion that they've been 'chosen' because they are special enough to raise a child with a disability. It's so bloody patronising. My child was not a child predestined to have a disability and some higher being had to find somebody up to the job; they were created by my partner and I having sex and we would be their parents whatever.

Hi OP, my child was born with a condition that I absolutely blamed myself for. I understand the bleakness you are feeling. My guilt and fear dominated my life for several years and clouded my enjoyment of the precious baby and toddler years. I would wake in the night in a panic and ruminate endlessly on the what ifs. I would also fall down rabbit holes of internet research. I thought I would never feel better. I began drinking too much and gained weight.

What I can tell you is this: you won't always feel this way. You will be able to enjoy life again. These feelings might not ever totally go away but they will become manageable and only pop up form time to time rather than being constantly there. They will lose their intensity. I never thought I would get to this point but I have and you will too. You will find a way to forgive yourself. You acted with the best of intentions and many would have made the same decision. Your son has two parents that love him and that's a great start.

One of my friends at uni had CP. I didn’t even realise until we got closer in the second year as she only had a slight limp and crossed eyes (sorry if that’s not the right term) Other than that, there wasn’t any problem. Very academically bright and achieved a lot.

OP - have you read this - see the link below it is a more realistic version of ‘welcome to holland’.

niederfamily.blogspot.com/2010/10/amsterdam-international.html?m=1

It describes exactly how I felt when my child was diagnosed with autism. I was consumed with guilt as I felt certain things I had done might have caused him to have autism and I thought I had doomed all of us to a life of misery.

I thought I would never be able to be happy again and that my son would never have a happy life.

It took me a few years to process everything but finally I realise that things are not as bad as I imagined they would be and both me and my son have happy lives.

I look back now at my initial reaction and I can’t relate to those feelings at all - they seem overly negative and unrealistic.

Agreed @ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords - I was not chosen to have twins, let alone disabled twins, because I’m equipped to cope with them. I’m bloody well not. And if there were any element of predestination by a higher power, that power is a piece of shit for putting so many children through so much suffering.

And @5lilducks please don’t tell people in this situation to “pull themselves together” - I thought as a society we were supposed to be more empathetic towards mental health issues? I would love to see that phrase consigned to the scrap heap. OP and her partner will come to terms with this in their own time and as things become clearer. Making them feel guilty for their human response to this situation isn’t going to speed up that process.

The biggest difficulty for me as a parent to disabled children is the lack of knowledge of what’s to come, especially with conditions that can vary from mild to severe. I’ve always felt that if I had a crystal ball and could see the future, I could cope better, no matter what it showed. The not knowing and the hope are the hardest things for me to deal with. It’s entirely within the range of normal reactions to feel this way - some may not, others may feel entirely hopeless, most of us are somewhere in between. Feeling scared about our children’s futures is common to all parents, but that fear is heightened when you have absolutely no idea what to expect.

@justanothermamma

It sounds mad but I honestly believe that every child who is born is born to the right family, the family who can cope with it, manage it. Your little one needs you and you did everything you can to support them. You can do this.

Patently not true Parents are deciding all the time prenatally what they can and cannot cope with You cannot always predict

which is why there are wondeful people out there who foster and adopt. Like www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/dec/08/gay-foster-parents-disabilities?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

Op did not wittingly cause child s issues and needs to let go of guilt
She and her dp choose how to go forward.
Get support and move ahead.
This is their beautiful hard tricky tiring baby .
Coming on here it sounds like op wants to get thru

Look into shared care fostering short breaks for respite
Get help with sleep...
It s hard as those of us who have disabled dc know...but we make a choice...to pick up and seek support from others in similar situation and carry on...

or full time fostering or adoption if they decide they cannot continue.

@SinkGirl @TheBuffster I am really sorry if I offended either of you. I didn't mean to come across as condescending or lacking empathy. To me the op seemed to suggest this issue is tearing her and dh apart (maybe i got that wrong) , and it would be a shame if it did. I think the op and dh need to pull together at this trying time and try and not let it tear them apart ,so that they can give the little boy everything they can to make his life as good a life as possible. I suppose i phrased it wrong at 2 something in the morning, apologies .I wish you both all the very best x

I wish people would stop with the tales of 'I know so and so with CP andyou would never know blah,blah'. How does that help? The point is the OP has no idea of what lies ahead, and knowing that some random person is 'alrignt' in your probably quite limited view is irrelevant to that. And as for the person who basically said they believe we all get the baby we can cope with. Please,just stop. You have a child with additional needs and you have to deal with it. It's not because of some destiny in the stars bullshit. What alternative is there ?

Op, I'm sorry you are going through this. I think these feelings are all part of you processing what's happening and no sweetened words will take that away. All I will say is it's not your fault. You did not make any decisions with CP in mind, you made them guided by professional advice. You have no idea when the process began. I think some counselling would be very helpful for you.

** Remember that on social media people are only putting their best side forward, a carefully curated and posed slice of life.
1% cherry
99% shit🙂.**

^This. My DDs are adopted and DD1 (11) has SEN. She was suspected of having CP as a baby, though it turned out not to be that. (She had a head injury as a baby and as a result needs hearing aids and glasses. She also has a lot of other issues.)

I also have MH issues (PTSD and CFS as well as long Covid now).

But I don’t mention any of that on my Facebook page. So my life might well look perfect to people who don’t know us well. So please don’t think everyone else has a perfect life, that really isn’t the case.

I wonder if one reason this is all affecting you so negatively is that you’re sleep deprived? There is a reason why sleep deprivation as used as a method of torture. It can make everything seem far worse than it is. (I sometimes suffer from insomnia, so I do know this firsthand.)

Whatever else you get from this thread, please believe what so many posters are telling you (myself included here), that absolutely none of this is your fault.

@LizDiz

I wish people would stop with the tales of 'I know so and so with CP andyou would never know blah,blah'. How does that help? The point is the OP has no idea of what lies ahead, and knowing that some random person is 'alrignt' in your probably quite limited view is irrelevant to that. And as for the person who basically said they believe we all get the baby we can cope with. Please,just stop. You have a child with additional needs and you have to deal with it. It's not because of some destiny in the stars bullshit. What alternative is there ?

Op, I'm sorry you are going through this. I think these feelings are all part of you processing what's happening and no sweetened words will take that away. All I will say is it's not your fault. You did not make any decisions with CP in mind, you made them guided by professional advice. You have no idea when the process began. I think some counselling would be very helpful for you.

This with bells on

I did a lot of work for A charity that helps people who’ve had traumatic births.

It started due to my own traumatic birth. I remember going to my midwife and she said. So how would you like to give birth. What’s your birth plan. Etc. No one says to you it can and does go wrong. Plus when it does go wrong the support just isn’t there. I met other women. Some who knew their baby would be operated on when born. But most didn’t. Either way it’s a huge shock. No one ever says to you. Right. This is what can happen. Not one person ever mentioned to me. Your baby could need help. Your baby might be born not breathing. Your baby might not leave hospital. Your baby might not survive. So if it does happen. There isn’t anyone.

I’m here for you OP.

it's the same with your decision to delay induction, there is nothing to say inducing earlier would have had a better outcome, induction comes with its own risks and some much higher than the risk of delaying induction causing infection, or that infection having a negative outcome for baby.

This. How on earth are we as mothers giving birth meant to know what’s best, when sometimes even the medics get it so terribly wrong? Personally I would like to see every single baby delivered by elective c-section as IMO it is far, far safer for mother and baby than the lottery of natural birth and induction. This is the 21st century and yet so much surrounding childbirth is still left to chance. I know many will disagree with that on here but it’s what I believe.

to you OP x

@Beautifulbonnie would you mind sharing the name of the charity? I know several people who could really benefit from that kind of help.