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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hoarding husband

74 replies

YGibson · 30/12/2020 09:52

Hi grateful for some advice. My husband’s hoarding is getting worse and it’s taking over our apartment. He moved in 10 years ago and brought with him the contents of his lockup which he was planning to sort and sell on eBay “one day”. Like golf clubs (he doesn’t golf), weights (he doesn’t go to the gym), five vacuum cleaners, etc. boxes of random stuff are now piled to the ceiling and both spare bedroom and bathroom now almost unusable. I have raised this multiple times and told him how unhappy I am with this constant state of chaos and mess. He makes a halfhearted attempt at shuffling things around, but nothing changes, it’s always a case of “one day I might start golfing again/take up weights/but that item’s a memory/etc.”
So, now at the end of my tether. Do I: a) I start selling items one by one on eBay until he notices; b) get an auctioneer to appraise and take the lot; c) hire a lockup in his name and get it all shifted - but that just displaces the problem; or d) move out temporarily and say if things haven’t changed in X time I won’t be coming back?
Grateful for thoughts.

Hoarding husband
Hoarding husband
Hoarding husband
OP posts:
Cheeseboardandmincepies · 30/12/2020 09:57

I’d just get a skip and put it all in there.

GoldfishParade · 30/12/2020 09:58

Option D

Happymama24 · 30/12/2020 09:58

Tell him if 8ts not sorted by 31st Jan he will be moving out

Happymama24 · 30/12/2020 09:59

Tell him he can save the money from the stuff in case he ever decides to really take up golf etc. He can buy what he needs as he needs it

Nymeriastark1 · 30/12/2020 09:59

I couldn't live like that Confused. Who owns the flat? If you own it change the locks and text him saying you'll be moving his stuff outside and he will need to come collect it. DO NOT move out, because from looking at that picture I would imagine he would be an absolute nightmare to get out of the flat.

If you both own the flat then I would leave, and sort the the financial side of things once you've settled somewhere else.

1AngelicFruitCake · 30/12/2020 09:59

I’d say put in storage and he pays

IrishMumInLondon2020 · 30/12/2020 10:00

My heart goes out to you. Some of the posts that have stuck in my mind from over the years have been from those with a hoarding husband. There is a lot behind a condition like this and it can be challenging to treat (from what I have read). I hope someone with more experience can advise. Sending you best wishes.

carlaCox · 30/12/2020 10:00

If it were me I'd say you've got two options: put it all in storage or put it in a skip. And if it's not gone in the next couple of weeks then I'm hiring the skip. You've already put up with it for ten years, enough is enough!

DecemberSun · 30/12/2020 10:01

D

Hamster1111 · 30/12/2020 10:03

I'm sorry, this must be an awful situation. I think you have been extremely patient to put up with it this long. I could not have coped with this at all. Now you find yourself in this situation I agree give him a date for it to be out (sold, lock up, who cares as long as it's gone) or you will be leaving. You deserve to live in a home not a junk yard.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2020 10:03

It's a personality trait / mental health problem tbh. He either tackles it or doesn't. You choose whether the choice mine makes changes whether you want to remain living with him.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2020 10:03

he not mine.

DaisiesandButtercups · 30/12/2020 10:08

Option D, it is for him to find the solution.

The other options are all you dealing with it and in the case of A and B it is his property, it could be argued that it would be disrespectful or even theft to dispose of it against his wishes. So A and B would likely be unhelpful to your relationship. It could also be argued that he is being disrespectful of the marital home, option D might focus his mind.

SpiderGwen · 30/12/2020 10:09

It’s often linked to some emotional baggage or mental health issue. Is he receiving counselling or any other support? Is it something he’d consider?

Talking to him about why he keeps all this stuff, does he understand how distressing it is for you to live like this?

I empathise, I had a relative who did this. It took a long while to get over it.

DaisiesandButtercups · 30/12/2020 10:14

Counselling is a great idea if he will accept it.

Checking out hoarding on the NHS website might be a good place to start the conversation about the mental health aspect.

Seatime · 30/12/2020 10:15

The hoarding is a symptom of a larger issue. Here is a link to a TV show about hoarding by Jasmine Harding TV presenter about her mum who is a hoarder.

What you choose is what is best for you. His issue needs therapy, that has to be his choice. Even if you put the stuff in a lock up he will acrue more. Hoarders are compulsive.
Royalbloo · 30/12/2020 10:23

Is there any advice online or forums? Not sure what the best approach is but if you're not able to use the bathroom or this becomes a health/safety hazard then that's a rational way to explain why it has to change

MyOwnSummer · 30/12/2020 10:26

Five vacuum cleaners? He has got a serious problem, that's not normal.

Hoarding is a complex MH problem, if you dispose of this hoard he may become extremely distressed. He may react unpredictably or even try to replace the hoard. Deadlines to get rid of it won't work. If you get a skip and fill it, he will probably try to rescue the stuff.

I sympathise, I would not agree to live like this. I'd sell a few of the higher value items and see if he notices. Junk, I'd just fill my car and take it to the tip with no further discussion. But that's a high risk strategy.

Kokosrieksts · 30/12/2020 10:27

Is there an option turn just one of the rooms in the house as the “storage/junk” rest of the house stays to your standards. That is if you actually want to say with your husband.

Kokosrieksts · 30/12/2020 10:28

*stay not say

wellthatsunusual · 30/12/2020 10:29

I would give him an ultimatum that he either seeks help for his hoarding, immediately, or the marriage is over.

cuppycakey · 30/12/2020 10:29

@Cheeseboardandmincepies

I’d just get a skip and put it all in there.
Me too
TirisfalPumpkin · 30/12/2020 10:31

It’s a notoriously difficult MH problem to treat.

Assuming nothing changes, would you be willing to continue like this indefinitely?

LannieDuck · 30/12/2020 10:33

Does he still say he intends to ebay it?

Could you set aside a full day (today? tomorrow?) and sit down with him to start putting things online? Even just one or two pieces would be a good beginning. He'll either be willing to engage with it... or it will be really clear, really quickly that he won't.

WeeDangerousSpike · 30/12/2020 10:34

Whilst I don't mean to minimise the awful effect it must be having on you, I really do sympathise, it's a mental health problem. Saying tell him to deal with it or I'm off is like saying to someone who is bipolar that if they don't stop having mood swings by Jan 1st then you're leaving. It's just not in his power to deal with it like that I'm afraid.
He needs proper counselling and professional help. There is a website with pictures of hoarding levels that maybe you could look at with him to try and get him to agree he has a problem and needs help.
Whilst saying that, it's completely understandable if you decide that for your mental health you need to part ways.
This is the website, there's a link to the image scale. hoardingdisordersuk.org/research-and-resources/clutter-image-ratings/