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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hoarding husband

74 replies

YGibson · 30/12/2020 09:52

Hi grateful for some advice. My husband’s hoarding is getting worse and it’s taking over our apartment. He moved in 10 years ago and brought with him the contents of his lockup which he was planning to sort and sell on eBay “one day”. Like golf clubs (he doesn’t golf), weights (he doesn’t go to the gym), five vacuum cleaners, etc. boxes of random stuff are now piled to the ceiling and both spare bedroom and bathroom now almost unusable. I have raised this multiple times and told him how unhappy I am with this constant state of chaos and mess. He makes a halfhearted attempt at shuffling things around, but nothing changes, it’s always a case of “one day I might start golfing again/take up weights/but that item’s a memory/etc.”
So, now at the end of my tether. Do I: a) I start selling items one by one on eBay until he notices; b) get an auctioneer to appraise and take the lot; c) hire a lockup in his name and get it all shifted - but that just displaces the problem; or d) move out temporarily and say if things haven’t changed in X time I won’t be coming back?
Grateful for thoughts.

Hoarding husband
Hoarding husband
Hoarding husband
OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 30/12/2020 10:35

Not a chance I could live like that, but hoarding isn't a problem you're going to eradicate by dealing with his current hoard alone, as he'll slowly replace it with more things until it's the same again. You need him to deal with the problem, by making him aware that you're not just fed up of it, but that it's last chance saloon territory for your relationship if he doesn't start to address it.

Calmingvibrations · 30/12/2020 10:37

No way I’d be moving out, he’d have to go.

One thing I would recommend is being super clear about what ‘better’ ‘clear’ ‘all gone’ etc means. With an ultimatum he will likely respond by doing something half heartedly but no where to the level you’d want. Then he’ll play on your heartstrings - he has cleared it, he’ll do more later, it is better etc, and you’ll give in (because it’s a step in the right direction, and living like that, your bar will be low). Then it will slowly creep up again.

I say this as someone who lives with someone who collects a lot of stuff and whilst the house isn’t terrible - the bedroom picture you have could easily be our spare bedroom (if we had one!). He does a bit of stacking, a bit of clearing but ultimately there is sh1te in draws he will never use etc, stuff 99% of people would have thrown out.

Good luck!

Godimabitch · 30/12/2020 10:39

Tell him if it's not sorted in 6 weeks it's going to the tip. All sounds worthless tbh. Bet he wouldn't get more than 100 quid for the lot. But give him 6 weeks so he cant go on about how much it was all worth. Then it's gone.

RedRum27 · 30/12/2020 10:40

When me and DP started living together I made it very clear I don’t do clutter, I do a yearly clear out, if I don’t use something for a year it goes. We had a few bickers about it as he was very much ‘oh but I need it’ but eventually he realised we don’t have the space for it! I will never forget the day I took 11 bin bags of Magic cards and 3 bin bags of socks to the tip. Now he loves a clean out.

I did say I’m just going to chuck it away when it got ridiculous. Funnily enough he hasn’t missed stuff as he says where did I store it all!

However I do appreciate that my DPs hoarding wasn’t on this scale and that it is a serious MH problem. I would encourage seeking help or doing a clear out together, one room at a time and make room for new space or memories to be made.

Plonque · 30/12/2020 10:46

When you say he moved in, I take it it was your place to begin with? Why would you move out!!

I'd go with renting a storage vault with his financial details and getting it shifted ASAP.

TheWernethWife · 30/12/2020 10:50

I certainly couldn't live like that and I'm certainly not a neat freak, a little bit of keeping stuff is acceptable as long as its kept to a minimum and hidden away.

The clothes hung up at the window fills me with horror.

Grenlei · 30/12/2020 10:51

If this was just an accumulation of clutter, it's fine to give an ultimatum, chuck it all out etc.

But this isn't a couple of extra bags of stuff it's a serious hoarding problem. Having tried to help a hoarder (and failed) it is frustrating and exhausting, listening to them rationalise why they need to keep a box of empty jam jars, or 300 old newspapers etc. That person ended up moving all said items into a large storage unit which at the time was half full of their belongings. I suspect by now it is completely full.

This is something that needs professional input, anything else just shifts the problem to another location, you need to address the root cause. That said for any therapy to work he has to acknowledge there is a problem and want to change, many hoarders don't.

BackwardsGoing · 30/12/2020 10:56

@Godimabitch

Tell him if it's not sorted in 6 weeks it's going to the tip. All sounds worthless tbh. Bet he wouldn't get more than 100 quid for the lot. But give him 6 weeks so he cant go on about how much it was all worth. Then it's gone.

There is no point in getting rid of the hoard if he doesn't also get treatment for his condition. It's a serious mental health issue.

I vote for option D. He's ill. He's not committed to getting better. Save yourself, you can't save him.

SinkGirl · 30/12/2020 10:57

We used to have a room like this - for me it legitimately was to start a business but the space I was supposed to be hiring fell through and I could easily slip into hoarding if I am not careful.

When I got pregnant and we had to move, I sold almost the entire room full (and it was genuinely full, and not a small room!) on eBay and gumtree. Made over £3k in a month (definitely more than what I’d spent). Unfortunately our loft is now packed full of stuff I need to sort out, mostly stuff our twins have outgrown and I haven’t had time to deal with, but they recently started at a specialist school so that’s my plan for the new year - one box / bag at a time, one day a week (or more if I can manage it until it’s all gone).

If he has fallen into full blown hoarding then this won’t work, but if he’s not quite at that point yet (isn’t desperate to hold on to things for example but is just overwhelmed by the amount) then it’s possible to resolve it.

If he’s frequently adding to it and very resistant to getting rid of things then you have a much bigger problem than the stuff and it will recur.

BackwardsGoing · 30/12/2020 10:57

@Plonque

When you say he moved in, I take it it was your place to begin with? Why would you move out!!

I'd go with renting a storage vault with his financial details and getting it shifted ASAP.

He will just fill up the house again, trust me.

Beautifulbonnie · 30/12/2020 10:59

You probably won’t be able to get W lock up in his name. They’ve got strict options on laundering. So not sure that’s an option

I’d tell him he’s got by whatever date and be done with it.

TheresNothingIWantMore · 30/12/2020 11:00

There's a thread in AMA from a hoarder at the moment that I found quite interesting and might help you understand him a bit better :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/4116522-Im-a-hoarder-AMA-except-for-my-bank-details

I agree with other posters, this is a big problem that won't be dealt with quickly, possibly not ever.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 30/12/2020 11:02

Omg that puts my anxiety on overload. Isit just that room that's a state? Bin it all, get a skip.

Brefugee · 30/12/2020 11:05

I think you need to tackle it on a few fronts.
First you need to make it very very clear to him that you understand that it is very difficult for him to let these things go. But that it is equally very difficult for you to live in this chaos and that you don't want to do it any more, but that you love him and want to stay so he needs to recognise it's a problem and take steps to combat it.

In your shoes? I'd say that if there are no concrete steps for him to tackle the mountain of stuff and his mental health then on X date I'd be either looking for somewhere else to live or kicking him out (depends on who the flat belongs to)
I would also say that my moving back in was contingent on at least having my living room and bedroom clear and a plan for everything else.

If possible (if you don't have joint finances) I'd also say that he needs a lock-up and he has to pay for it. If you could get the lock-up and move it all out by x date - I'd stay. (or move out and move back in again when all the stuff is out of the house)

When it gets to this stage it's really a problem.

crossstitchingnana · 30/12/2020 11:11

The photos used to rate hoarding. OMG! I feel anxious just looking at the 9s.

Plonque · 30/12/2020 11:12

He will just fill up the house again, trust me.

@BackwardsGoing

Yeah, I know. I didn't want to be too harsh in pointing out that he would also be inhabiting the lockup too, if it were me.
Op, His wibbly unwillingness to address his problem would be a dealbreaker for me. If you stay with him you'll be battling this problem til the day you die, no matter how many times you bin his belongings.

LindaEllen · 30/12/2020 11:17

When I moved in with DP, his house was exactly the same. It was such a shame because I never felt that I could ask my family round for a brew etc as I was just embarrassed about it. Over time, we've gradually addressed the issue, but it's not something that's fixed overnight.

I told him I would help him (he seemed to want to make a difference to it, but it had gone so far it was now overwhelming) but that when each part had been tidied, it had to be kept tidy.

So, we tackled it room by room, including the garden, and sometimes it took us months to get a room done as we're busy people, so often it was just a case of 'we'll tackle this corner today, that pile tomorrow' etc.

Lockdown allowed us to get a huge amount done, our bedroom is completely clear and there's now NOTHING that isn't put away. Nothing on the floor. It's amazing. We did a lot in the living room too, but that's still messy as we need more storage and places to put things we do actually need. That's getting decorated with new furniture in the new year so that'll be fine.

We got the kitchen done, we ripped it out ourselves and had a huge clearout along the way. Garden is clear, DP's son's room is as clear as a teenage room can probably get.

We have an office room that's absolutely full of crap but that's kind of being used as a dumping ground while we get things done to create more storage, so we've not attempted that yet - will do that last when the rest of the house is decorated etc.

But the point is, I didn't just leave him to it. I helped him address the issue, under the promise that it would never get that bad again. And it hasn't.

The important thing is, though, that he has to WANT to change. If he's not on board, or he doesn't see it as a problem, you're just going to struggle forever. I promise you that.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 30/12/2020 11:20

I don't do clutter either and these pics also fill me with horror...my ex husband hung onto everything in case it had a use in the future....i felt like i was constantly battling him to keep a clean tidy house....i love living on my own...no one elses crap to put up with.

Sparkletastic · 30/12/2020 11:22

Is it your place? I'd ask him to leave, taking all his possessions, and for you to continue your marriage (if you wish to) living apart pending successful treatment of his mental health issue.

Tal45 · 30/12/2020 11:23

If this is your apartment then no way should you be moving out. Tell him he needs to find somewhere else to keep his hoard and then he needs to get counselling to deal with his MH issues as to why he hoards or move out. This won't go away or get better on its own, it's only going to get worse and worse. You need to deal with it or you will be completely swamped with it.

Porcupineintherough · 30/12/2020 11:26

If he wants to change and gets help (not just says he will) then there are a number of approaches you could try. If not, try E: build a large outbuilding and decant hoard (my BiLs solution) or F: he leaves and takes his hoard with him.

Barmyfarmy · 30/12/2020 11:26

OP I'd say get it shifted to a lock-up and give him a time limit to get it sold/binned. If it's not sorted by X time then say you'll be taking it all to the tip. You deserve to live comfortably and he is clearly suffering from a mental health problem that won't sort itself out. Perhaps encourage him to speak to his GP for some MH support.

DianaT1969 · 30/12/2020 11:31

If your relationship is otherwise good, I would get a lock up and arrange for movers to take it there one day when you know he'll be out. Put the storage and bill in his name. He pays for the movers too. Give him the key and not let him bring anything into the flat without your approval.
There is an interesting recent AMA thread on hoarding that you could search for. It gives insights into the motivation of hoarders and how to help them.

Winterwoollies · 30/12/2020 11:41

Option E.) yell him HE’S moving out until he agrees to sort his shit out seeing as he moved in with you.

Chloemol · 30/12/2020 11:48

Hoarding is a mental illness a s he needs to get support. In the meantime tell him he needs to get a storage space, he has to pay for, and move his stuff there. He can take anything else he obtains there but not in the house