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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hoarding husband

74 replies

YGibson · 30/12/2020 09:52

Hi grateful for some advice. My husband’s hoarding is getting worse and it’s taking over our apartment. He moved in 10 years ago and brought with him the contents of his lockup which he was planning to sort and sell on eBay “one day”. Like golf clubs (he doesn’t golf), weights (he doesn’t go to the gym), five vacuum cleaners, etc. boxes of random stuff are now piled to the ceiling and both spare bedroom and bathroom now almost unusable. I have raised this multiple times and told him how unhappy I am with this constant state of chaos and mess. He makes a halfhearted attempt at shuffling things around, but nothing changes, it’s always a case of “one day I might start golfing again/take up weights/but that item’s a memory/etc.”
So, now at the end of my tether. Do I: a) I start selling items one by one on eBay until he notices; b) get an auctioneer to appraise and take the lot; c) hire a lockup in his name and get it all shifted - but that just displaces the problem; or d) move out temporarily and say if things haven’t changed in X time I won’t be coming back?
Grateful for thoughts.

OP posts:

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 30/12/2020 11:51

I agree - give him a deadline and if it gets close and it's not shifted then hire a skip and get rid.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2020 11:51

Give him two clear choices .....

He either sorts it/chucks it/pays for storage OR he can pack it all up and bugger off with it!

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 30/12/2020 11:55

Just shown my partner he says if you have a car get as much as you can from the bottom of piles (not on the top and noticeable!) and take it to a charity shop or to the tip and see if he notices. It's doubtful that he will even notice then do another load and then gradually get it down then tell him to tackle it.
5 hoovers is just mental tho and if they're old nobody will want them.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 30/12/2020 11:57

Hire a van for a couple of days, hand him the keys and tell him to either take it to the dump or just simply take it and not come back.

HoarderAMA · 30/12/2020 11:58

Hi OP, I'm the hoarder from the AMA thread.

Yes it's a mental health condition but it's very hard to recover so you dont have to.put with someone who will not change

Does he know it's a issue? Does he know it upsets you? So if you was to say. Look, this amount if mess is making me ill, can we just clear this area out, get rid of three boxes today as a start? If he protests and makes a big deal and gets upset then it is a issue.

I wouldnt advise getting a skip, sorry that that might tip him over the edge.

Also storage isnt a good idea either unless you set a very firm line that it never builds up again or if one more piece of junk comes in he must immediately remove it again. Storage is just more room in which to accumulate more stuff.

There is help out there. CBT and talking therapy which I luckly got quite easily.

The key is he level of awareness as to the problem. The less he thinks it is a issue and the more he minimises your feelings, the less likely it can get better

Spittingchestnuts · 30/12/2020 12:02

It's up to your dh if he is going to be paying for it, but I would strongly advise NOT to put it in storage. We did this on behalf of late pils and they never sorted it (out of sight, out of mind) and the bill rose to over £16,000 for over a decade of storage! Storing things (and indeed all clutter) is simply the physical manifestation of delayed decisions.

doasitell · 30/12/2020 12:14

Op like others have said, give him a deadline and if it's not sorted take it to the tip. I'm sorry you have to live like this and it's not fair. I threw away all my husbands stuff before he moved in with me. I've never seen him golf, do a work out or ever cook to need that many pots and pans. He even had a dvd collection with over 100 dvds, we don't even have a DVD player as we have Sky, Netflix and Prime. I gave some things to charity and threw the rest. To me if it's clutter, I don't even wait around to sell, I just give it away immediately! My DS has grew out of his baby stuff for instance and I only saved a few baby stuff for keepsake but the rest went to baby bank and we are planning for baby 2. My wedding dress went to someone in need for free as it was taking too much space and couldn't stand it taking too much space in the wardrobe.

swansongs · 30/12/2020 12:14

One tiny thing that helped me was realizing 1) All this junk really is worth next to nothing on eBay etc, despite what you might think; 2) Actually selling a load of stuff online is incredibly, incredibly time-consuming and you will never get round to it.

DianaT1969 · 30/12/2020 12:17

While a lock up is just moving the problem elsewhere, it does solve a problem for the OP - she gets her home back. It would benefit her mental health.
It's expensive, so he'd need a cut off period of say 2 months. It takes ages to photograph and list things for sale online. There aren't any car boot sales at the moment, to my knowledge. So he'll have to sell and sort what he can before putting it in a skip. In reality, he'll probably just avoid it unfortunately.

doasitell · 30/12/2020 12:18

@swansongs

I totally agree with this. This is why I don't waste time with selling stuff as it's time consuming and by looking at op's pictures, op would take years to get through it and sell it.

Holly60 · 30/12/2020 12:20

From what I understand hoarding is a form of OCD and is a symptom of a mental health condition. I would think that if you remove the items already in your home he will continue to buy or find more and the space will get taken up again. Unfortunately he will only change if he wants to, and will need therapy for his illness. Yeah perhaps try to get him to see it is a deal breaker and ask him to consider getting help to save the relationship. If he refuses you have to decide if you can live the rest of your life like this or not.

wibblewombat · 30/12/2020 12:25

Gym equipment is selling for top money at the moment, so I'd start there but agree it's a MH problem, draft in help from professionals.

katy1213 · 30/12/2020 12:32

Make an appointment with a house clearance company. Tell him either it goes or he goes with it. And don't tolerate it creeping back in.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/12/2020 12:52

d) move out temporarily and say if things haven’t changed in X time I won’t be coming
back?

FFS...Why?! You are too passive. - Get a skip dump his stuff in it don't let him sift through skip and bring his rubbish back into flat. Once it's out, it's out that's it. He's already had deadlines and has done nothing. No more deadlines.

Read up on hoarders - "Stuff" matters more than people, to them. Don't have an 'awwww poor him" attitude - Hoarders feel perfectly entitled to take over another person's space and be arrogantly defensive when called out on it. You may be "soft" about it. They are not. Hoarding is their right, even if it makes your life a misery. You don't have to fly into rescue mode, that old expectation put upon women🙄. You living happily, mess stress and clutter-free, is as important as your husband wanting to live in a junkyard.

In your shoes I absolutely would not be the enabler running around looking for storage etc options for him. If he wants to keep his stuff let him sort it, he's not a baby. If he doesn't sort it - Dump in the skip.

I can't imagine you feel ok with having visitors. & do you have mice, with all that clutter? Feel embarrassed when works need to be done to flat and you have to let workmen in? If you have or plan to have children, they'll be ashamed of their home...

Good luck OP. Take back your right to live a better life

DianaT1969 · 30/12/2020 12:56

He might feel better about letting things go if he donates them to a charity shop. Most don't take electrical items, but if the stores are open in your area, that might be a way to make a dent in it first.
I have old stock from a closed business. I don't have time to sell it on eBay, but I do support a local hospice, and can't wait until their stores open again. They'll sell it easily. For me, the money I invested has gone, and I regret that, but it's just taking up space, and knowing it's going to benefit the hospice makes me feel good.

Sallycinnamum · 30/12/2020 13:03

OP I have some experience of hoarding and threatening to get a skip and dumping it all will absolutely not work long term.

As other posters have said, hoarding is a very complex mental health problem he needs treatment for.

Once you get rid of it all, more will creep back in. A family member has 6 storage units full of their hoard. It literally never ends.

I sympathise as having experienced this myself, it's a horrible way to live.

cuppycakey · 30/12/2020 13:40

I don't understand why OP should have to live in a way that negatively impacts her mental health so as not to upset her DH?

I would have to get rid of it all and simultaneously get DH to agree to have specialist counselling. If he doesn't agree and still wishes to continue hoarding and it starts "creeping back in" I would have to split. I am not saying it is his "fault" as it is clearly a MH issue, but everyone has the right to a happy life, and OP says she is at the end of her tether.

83Twinkletoes · 30/12/2020 14:06

Sorry, he is not going to change. My sister's 53 yr old son has a bedroom stacked to the ceiling, with electronic gear, sleeps downstairs, and now fills cupboards and redundant bins with plastic containers he shouts and raves if we dispose of any containers, but has not yet attacked her (my sister is 88), we think he has Asperger Syndrome. Which is what my 53 yr old son has, but I have controlled his hoarding by limiting his space to his own area so it is not getting worse. He now just doesn't dispose of packaging so every so often I dispose of it.
It may be possible for you to slowly get rid of small items tucked away at the back without him noticing it, which is what I have done in the past.
I would suggest you try telling him he is not allowed to add anything more to the bathroom and he must choose an item each day to take out it might just work.

It might be useful to contact Adult Social Services and ask to talk to someone in the Aspergers Support Team as hoarding is one of the traits, also look on line for indicators, Asperger people are usually very intelligent and sometimes just seem geeky or shy, (my son was only diagnosed at age 33 after a bad experience) there are several traits that if they seem to fit your husband, might indicate he has this condition.
Another route is ask the Fire Service to carry out a fire safety check and if they say there is a hazard and stuff should be removed he may listen to them.
Best of luck, I hope you manage to find help.

TirisfalPumpkin · 30/12/2020 14:20

It is worth noting that, if someone is behaving badly due to a MH condition, the impact on their spouse is the same as if they’re behaving badly bc they felt like it.

You can understand the behaviour without accepting you have to live with it.

Jadess · 30/12/2020 14:22

hoarding is a serious issue. needs therapy. chat to these people - www.cloudsend.org.uk/.

Onetimenamechanger · 30/12/2020 15:11

Is there anything of value? From the pictures shared I don’t think an auctioneer would be interested unless he has antique books/furniture etc. I don’t think anyone will bid highly on eBay for a 10 year old hoover. It’s a lot of work listing on eBay. I would donate

OhioOhioOhio · 30/12/2020 15:16

My xh used to do this. It is one of the very best things about not living with him. My xh is a really nasty man. Separate to that there was this, and other problems. That mess is like a poison that eats through your soul.

OhioOhioOhio · 30/12/2020 15:18

Also, I make my kids watch hoarders on YouTube. I couldn't bear for them to live in such a debilitating space. Op I hope that you can help him fix this, or realise that it is not your job to support him sustain it.

kennypppppppp · 30/12/2020 15:32

so difficult.
i'm reminded of when mandy saligari said that if you said to an alcoholic "i'm moving out until you stop drinking" they'd keep drinking as nothing is invariably important to them as the booze.
have been on the receiving end of hoarders and it's really tough.
put yourself first. when he's ready to get support/help/etc he will. i wouldn't have thought it's something you can nudge him to do?

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