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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

92 year old nana pushing belongings on me

127 replies

Duemarch2021 · 30/12/2020 00:52

Feel a bit harsh here and wanting an AIBU or not check... also some advice... my 92 year old (young at heart) nan keeps trying to give me her things.. she has openly told me that she is preparing her house for when she is gone! Me and DP live in a tiny 1 bed flat with no storage and have a baby on the way we have NO room whatsoever for anything even things we need.. nan tries to give me trinkets and ornaments..and furniture and clothes.. i say no i have no room everytime but she doesn't learn and makes me look through piles of ornaments from the 80s, she says things like they could be expensive but i dont care and they're not anyway as u can tell... What do i do? She gave me flowery mugs from her cupboard for Xmas me and DP dont drink hot drinks and she sent them through a family member and knows id have said no if shed have offered them in person. She is pushing stuff on me and i feel awful cos if I take it id take it to a charity shop.. i dont want it! Lol help mee.. cant even take the mugs to a charity shop cos of covid..

She also has about 4 flowery sofas all mismatched in the garage from 1970s and asks me to help her get rid as it gets her down and depressed. I took a picture and offered to sell them on Facebook... she was disgusted at that and said she wants to keep them in the family!!... nobody wants them and we are all young and have modern houses that have particular decor... she doesnt realise that things arnt like they were in the 1940s where furniture was passed down for generations

OP posts:

POP7777777 · 30/12/2020 00:56

Ahh, poor Nana and poor you! You'll just have to club together with other family members for a storage unit, and make Nana happy by taking it all off her hands and being enthusiastic and then take it discreetly to the charity shop! It's so awkward as obviously you don't want to hurt her feelings but also, you live in 2021, not 1940! Good luck!

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 30/12/2020 00:59

YANBU If she were younger, I'd say have a firm conversation with her but given her age, I'd just carry on as you are. Explain you don't have space but if she still gives you crap ornaments, donate them to charity without her knowing.

Porcupineintherough · 30/12/2020 01:01

I can see its awkward but she just doesnt want to see or imagine all her stuff just being binned when she dies. I expect a lot of it has sentimental value and, in some way, she sees her stuff as representing her life. Stuff like mugs and ornaments I'd accept then dispose of quietly. The furniture is a little more tricky but as you dont have space you'll just have to say so.

StormyInTheNorth · 30/12/2020 01:03

Could you introduce her to eBay? She may like the money to save.
If she's anything like my similatly aged granny she'd not like eBay but may like the money. For the trinkets, not sure whether 1940s sofas are so popular.

campion · 30/12/2020 01:12

She wants to be remembered and this is partly a way of still being with you after she dies. At 92 she realistically knows she won't be around that much longer and she's trying to spare you all having too much stuff to sort out later.Obviously you don't want it but maybe you're her favourite and she's kind of expressing that too.

Take some of it and quietly pass it on to charity shops when you can but keep a few small things. You'll be surprised how special an old plate can be when there's a connection.
The sofas are probably only fit for the tip so either you leave them there or explain that they need to go.

It's not easy dealing with this whilst keeping her happy.

Original poster

Duemarch2021 · 30/12/2020 01:15

Aww thanks for the replies guys.. thought id get none! Lol.. it's so difficult cos im a really emotional person and feel so guilty about getting rid of things that are gifts and i feel really bad saying no in the first place.. she will never be able to use eBay as she doesnt understand the internet... but i suppose i could do it for her.. i dont think she'd like the idea of the trinkets going to someone she doesnt know and shes not hard done by for money so probably wouldnt appreciate a couple of extra £'s ... but thanks for your idea! She wants us all (grandkids) to take it all and use it and i really want to be honest but maybe im.best taking it and pretending il use it then giving it away... i just feel so guilty.. i wish she'd just tell me to take it to charity lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Duemarch2021 · 30/12/2020 01:19

I feel like i sound awful and will obviously keep a few bits to remember her by.. but i just have no space at all.. even if i did... im a minimalist and cant bare to have more than 1 of what i need anyway

OP posts:

SunscreenCentral · 30/12/2020 01:24

You sound lovely x you’ll find a way with the odds and bobs but maybe a white lie between eBay/skip for old 80s sofas...
Good luck 🥰

POP7777777 · 30/12/2020 01:28

You don't sound awful at all. It's completely understandable. X

DramaAlpaca · 30/12/2020 01:28

Oh dear, my grandmother was just the same. I used to smile sweetly and tell her I'd much rather she carried on getting enjoyment out of whatever she was trying to give me. It wasn't always easy though.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 30/12/2020 01:35

Take it, she wants to be remembered & she wants the comfort of knowing things that mean something to her are going to be looked after. It'll give her peace of mind. Keep what you can & when you are able donate the rest to charity shops unless the things are too chipped/worn etc then take them to recycling places. Yes it's a faff, but she's old & it's nice to give her that but if comfort. You'll have to do it when she dies anyway, it's better to do it now.

Keep what you can, you'll be surprised when she does go how much more it'll mean to you. Especially things you used with her or remember in her house.

DishingOutDone · 30/12/2020 01:38

When people get to a certain time in their lives, its important to them that things that they consider precious or important continue to be precious to others. I agree definitely white lies. Obviously a few mugs you'll just have to store in a box but a few sofas you'd have to get the family to agree to say they will take them and "store them" for the time being. Then store them at the local recycling centre/dump.

My Aunt did want to go through old photos with me and hand them over, so I respected her wishes until some years after her death then I had to get rid of things. I expect it to be so with my photos etc. Entirely natural.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2020 01:40

Seriously not being flippant here, but there is a book called "The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter" which I got as a birthday present a few years ago. I did specifically ask for the book as I'd heard it discussed on the radio .

It's been a couple of years since I read it, but I think it did cover things like 'don't unload your stuff onto family'. It's actually pretty helpful about winnowing out your stuff. Maybe get a copy either for her to read or for you to read and get some strategies from?

FlamedToACrisp · 30/12/2020 01:44

Agree with PPs, you're not awful at all. As for the sofas, sadly they are unsaleable as they are not likely to comply with fire resistant regulations. Don't bother offering to a charity as they are not allowed to take them.

Bikingbear · 30/12/2020 01:46

Keep a few special things, and move the rest on ask other family if they want it, ebay or whatever, she doesn't need to know what gets moved on.

It really is a case of do it sooner or later. Doing it now means you have more time. When it comes to clearing a house if its council rented you might get a week or two before they want it back. If private then it need to be sorted asap to get it on the market.
House clearing is a tough thing to do. And not when people are in the best frame of mind to do it.

Bikingbear · 30/12/2020 01:47

An antique dealer might be interested in the sofas but charity shops no.

SeaToSki · 30/12/2020 01:51

Just a suggestion, but if you ebay the items and you and your family share the money, it is like she is giving them to you as you are all benefiting from them. Just keep a few of the ones you like. This is a bit more tricky of she comes over to visit your house after Covid

krustykittens · 30/12/2020 01:56

1940s furniture is very valuable (I have a few pieces myself) so perhaps some of the wooden pieces can be sold, without telling her, and maybe use the money to have some good times with her while you still can. But I do sympathise, OP, it is an awful position to be in.

LadyJaye · 30/12/2020 01:58

I'll be quite brutal here, so prepare yourself or move on.

A hoarder great aunt of mine died some years ago, and named me sole executor.

I won't go into details, but I had to take a full fortnight off work to even get started, then pretty much every weekend for the next eight months.

Put it this way, whatever fond memories of that relative I had were more or less gone after the better part of a year of wading through their shite.

Deal with it now: you won't want to afterwards.

titan89 · 30/12/2020 02:12

she just wants to know she Is not forgotten, it is her stuff, her life, might not be your taste, but surely you can see, why she is passing it on with empathy? What other motive might she have at 92. I do think you are awfully unreasonable in not getting that. Just accept it and do what you need to do afterwards.

ClaryFairchild · 30/12/2020 02:24

If you're in a university town, you might find some university students who need some furniture and would be willing to take it. But you have to persuade your nana to do that first.

She cherishes her things, and wants to give you something that you will cherish. Instead of saying no to everything constantly, go through her things and pick out a few small things that you like and that remind you of her, and make a big fuss over them and how special they are/will be.

That might make it easier for her to get rid of her other stuff.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2020 03:06

The sofas will likely be of value to an antiques dealer. Personally I wouldn’t send them to the tip. Can you take smaller things and deal with them? For the larger items like the sofas, maybe ask your nan to keep them stored as you’re saving up to move to a larger house? But that will take several years. Or that she should use them etc?

What I don’t understand about stuff in the garage like the sofas is presumably at some stage your nan decided she didn’t want to use them anymore and replaced them. And now she’s trying to hoist it into you.

LadyJaye · 30/12/2020 03:21

@titan89

Did you somehow miss in the OP's post that they live in a tiny flat and are expecting their first child?

Where are they supposed to find the time, storage or money to deal with this?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/12/2020 03:29

I am guilty of doing the same thing to my children and grandchildren. My oldest daughter rolls her eyes and says "Oh, not another used thing!"
It's not the item that is important. It's the story behind it. My mother told me and her mother told her etc. The plate with the pink shepherdess was my great-grandmother's wedding cake plate. The brown vase was a gift for my grandmother when her one surviving son came home from WW2.

before you toss it in the garbage or take it to OxFam, maybe ask her the story behind it. After she has the happiness of telling you, maybe you won't see it as trash.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 30/12/2020 03:30

My gran is like this!
She's always been a little bit of a hoarder and very attached to "stuff". My mum has helped her clear some of it but it's uphill... Every time I go there (different country) she's trying to give me her rubbish.
what I do is

Be firm about not taking stuff if you don't want it.
If you do take something and later decide you don't want it, get rid. A white lie about passing it onto a friend might help?? "oh gran I really like the old tablecloth you guilted me into having, but whenI got it home I realised it doesn't fit my table, but my friend Sarah saw it and loved it, do you mind me giving it to her?"
Keep things long enough for her to forget, then give them away /sell.
If there are some things that you would like, accept them graciously. With my Gran this was books.

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