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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

92 year old nana pushing belongings on me

127 replies

Duemarch2021 · 30/12/2020 00:52

Feel a bit harsh here and wanting an AIBU or not check... also some advice... my 92 year old (young at heart) nan keeps trying to give me her things.. she has openly told me that she is preparing her house for when she is gone! Me and DP live in a tiny 1 bed flat with no storage and have a baby on the way we have NO room whatsoever for anything even things we need.. nan tries to give me trinkets and ornaments..and furniture and clothes.. i say no i have no room everytime but she doesn't learn and makes me look through piles of ornaments from the 80s, she says things like they could be expensive but i dont care and they're not anyway as u can tell... What do i do? She gave me flowery mugs from her cupboard for Xmas me and DP dont drink hot drinks and she sent them through a family member and knows id have said no if shed have offered them in person. She is pushing stuff on me and i feel awful cos if I take it id take it to a charity shop.. i dont want it! Lol help mee.. cant even take the mugs to a charity shop cos of covid..

She also has about 4 flowery sofas all mismatched in the garage from 1970s and asks me to help her get rid as it gets her down and depressed. I took a picture and offered to sell them on Facebook... she was disgusted at that and said she wants to keep them in the family!!... nobody wants them and we are all young and have modern houses that have particular decor... she doesnt realise that things arnt like they were in the 1940s where furniture was passed down for generations

OP posts:
Dowermouse · 30/12/2020 10:04

For your own benefit, I suggest reading the first Marie Kindo book,it's a short and easy read. It might help you with the emotional side of disposing of her treasures.

farawayplanet · 30/12/2020 10:09

Just take stuff to the recycle centre. When mil died, sil tried to push loads of stuff onto us, but we just took it up the tip. They'll process it and sell anything that's worth anything.

Heyahun · 30/12/2020 10:14

Ohhh this post actually made me smile - my nana was the exact same! She died last year at 99! She lives at home on her own til she was 96 and every time I left her house I had to take something - trinkets, blankets, scarves, glasses, cups! I just took them tbh - she was never in my flat! Most of it went in my dads shed tbh!

We all stopped buying her gifts for Christmas and birthdays - just gave her practical things (clothes she needed or a day out instead) as she would just give anything else she received away 😂
My aunt gave her a bunch of flowers one Christmas and she just regifted them to me right in front of my aunt !! We just laughed tbh !

When she went into the nursing home at 96 - my sister moved into her house to loon after the place and she wanted updates and reassurance that nothing had been changed in the house.

I think in your situation I’d just do the same as we did - accept the gifts and store them or charity shop them and just say thanks!

They mean well :)

halcyondays · 30/12/2020 10:21

The sofas can’t be sold because they are too old to comply with fire safety regulations. Probably a lot of the other stuff could be sold or donated but the op may not have time to do this at the moment what with having a baby on the way and being in the middle of a pandemic with shops closed.

It’s unfair of people to expect others to want to keep stuff like this. I think OP needs to be firm and keep saying that she doesn’t have room for furniture etc. And don’t accept any more things if you don’t want them or don’t have space. “These are lovely ornaments but I don’t have room for anything else in our 1 bed flat.” Etc.

If you’re lacking storage it would be better to have a good clear out of your own stuff before the baby comes, rather than take on other people’s junk. Perhaps the family member who foisted the flowery mugs on the OP could help.

TryingnottobeWaynettaSlob · 30/12/2020 10:29

Get a storage unit and keep your Nan happy. She’s 92 it’s not like it will be forever.

Bikingbear · 30/12/2020 10:56

I wouldn't waste money on a storage unit. You could be paying storage for another 5 or 6 years and still need to deal with it.

Take the stuff and do as you see fit.
Get a family WhatsApp group going - Grannys gave me xx I don't have space anyone want it?
No takers - move it on appropriately, bin, charity, recycle, Ebay, facebook. It also means that your being open and honest.
If she's doing it with you, you can guarantee that she is doing it will others, inc carers. They might be more than happy to take stuff / sell. Then family wonder where stuff went after people have passed away.

chestnutshell · 30/12/2020 11:00

Your post makes me smile because it’s what my old gran did when she got to her 90s. The amount of old tat that I accumulated in my car boot was ridiculous. Mostly I told her no thank you, but occasionally I would take something off her. It would sit around for a bit then it’d go for to charity. She died this year and I do have a few bits and pieces that remind me of her and I’m glad I do, but like you I really didn’t need the vast majority of it.

user1471538283 · 30/12/2020 11:08

Aww bless her. My DGM had a big detached house and a garage that was full of stuff. She gave us some things (which we wanted) but the rest was in the house. As she got ill we went and cleared it all and it took the better part of a year virtually every weekend. I kept some of it but you cannot keep it all.

Maybe you could ask to have something that is precious like her wedding dress or a piece from the wedding breakfast? I would also ask if she would like to sell some of it for a trip or something else.

I do feel for you both. It's a lifetime of memories for her and she is trying to help you. But you just cannot keep everything and you do not have the room.

Original poster
Duemarch2021 · 30/12/2020 11:23

Thanks everyone for your replies im reading through lol... il just add that when she says they are valuable (money wise).. they aren't .. they are all thigs you see for 50p in charity shops and she probably bought them from a charity shop herself about 10 years ago..its hard to say 'no nan they arnt worth anything' lol feels so cheeky... think i will have to accept and bin... of course i have a few things in her house that temind me of her and will be keeping those as memories.. a few things that remind me of my childhood at the house but seriously, i dont need 4 sets of dinner plates from the 1970s and a porcelain milk jug Blush

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 30/12/2020 11:29

I understand how the OP feels but also how her nan feels. I had to clear my parents'house when my dad died. It's terrible having to sort through a lifetime's belongings and have to decide between charity shop, tip or keeping every item. Your nan is trying to do this for you but you can't keep it so quietly take it to a charity shop (or top as appropriate) and just keep one or two mementos. Be glad nobody will have the job of sorting it all when the time comes.

HighHeelBoots · 30/12/2020 11:31

I'm so glad my Grandma was like she was
She told me never to keep anything I didn't like and that memories are more important than things
It has stayed with me. I have things of hers that I use often like a serving spoon but no tat
I hate people being burdened with more stuff and I won't be doing it to my children

LindaEllen · 30/12/2020 11:40

This sounds awful .. but is she likely to come to your apartment at all? If not, I'd suggest either binning or donating the majority, while keeping only what you would have done if she'd died.

That way, she thinks you're keeping them, but you don't have to clutter the house up.

HoboSexualOnslow · 30/12/2020 11:51

Going from this thread I see it's quite common! My grandad did this but it was always crap he didn't want, and my grandma would give me ugly plates & glass figurines shudder. They promptly went in the bin or to charity/boot sales. I will gladly have any photos but she doesn't seem keen to give them up despite being 94....

80sMum · 30/12/2020 12:21

This has made me all the more determined to sort out all the heaps of stuff that are in my own home, before I become too old and decrepit to do it!
Having spent several weeks last year going through my mother's things after her death (I lost count of the number of trips we made to the charity shop and to the tip) I decided that I don't want to burden my children with a houseful of junk when I die.

I intend going through everything and letting go of the things that I know I will never use again. It's going to be hard, but it has to be done.

Franacropan1 · 30/12/2020 12:42

I too found myself being expected to become the family curator of “heirlooms” which really are the keepsakes and memorabilia of the original owner. If you don't know the story behind it, or don't love it, it's just, for example, a tea-set that takes away space from your own things, but it's hard not to accept the items to make the giver happy.
I know of an elderly lady that solved the problem of hoping her things went to a good home by inviting all her family to put their name on things, either physically on the back if possible or in a book.
Another gentleman I know did the same with his pictures but was so pleased when people wanted them he gifted some of them before he died so that they could have the pleasure of them. Happily he is still alive and gets pleasure from seeing them hanging in other homes when he visits ( pre covid of course).
Of course you have to have the right sort of personality to do this I suppose.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 30/12/2020 12:46

Marie Kondo says thank things for their service before passing them. I do things we no longer have space for...

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 30/12/2020 12:50

I'm planning to add a codicil to my will, emphasising that DS is to do whatever he likes with things I have treasured - keep, bin, sell, give away. I won't mind and I certainly wouldn't see it as throwing me and my memory away. I've told DS this too. We,re Christian so I know I'll be in a better place and won't care about earthly possessions. If we're wrong then its oblivion - either way I won't care about them.

ninka68 · 31/12/2020 17:49

Make her a photo book of memories. Say that you haven't got room unfortunately but they are lovely and have lots of memories in them. So...photo them, print them and give her a book of them. Ask her to write down any memories she has of them...when they were bought, who canoodled on the sofas! etc. Sit with her if you can/are allowed to hear some stories first hand. Things clearly have a memory value and you might be surprised what you find out! And once people have gone it's too late to say, "I wish I had asked." I am spending some time during lock down, compiling a family history of the stories, facts and myths of family along with any old photos of the people so that they don't get forgotten and there is loads that I wished I'd asked. Then you can dispose of the stuff when convenient again. And ask Sarah on "Money for Nothing" whether she wants some sofas!

Jack80 · 31/12/2020 17:50

I would say I have no room but ask another family member, if not get a storage unit

godmum56 · 31/12/2020 17:57

so far as the helping her to get rid of the three pieces, I'd blame covid and say you can't. For the rest, smile, take it and bin it.

pollymere · 31/12/2020 18:01

My Aunt gave things away for years. We still had a load to sort out after she died but I suspect she is just trying to get it done now. I would find a charity she supports and explain that anything the family doesn't need will be given to the charity instead (all my Aunt's tat and knick knacks went to Cats Protection). Do keep a few items as mementos though. I've just inherited an entire bedroom furniture set which I agreed to when we bought our house twenty years ago...I'd love to keep it but just have no room. Ironically I had the room when it was offered (all offers considered 😂 if you live in Dorset/Wiltshire...)

Moonbabyskalimba · 31/12/2020 18:03

My DGM does this. It's all rubbish and we don't have space to it. I've stopped arguing and just take it now, then get rid discreetly. She never comes to my house so she'll never know!

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 31/12/2020 18:11

I take stuff from my nan and keep a few things that are sentimental (Marie Kondo can kiss my arse with her cold hearted bullshit! 🤣) and have personal connection.

The rest I give to charity.

My Nan is happy, I’m happy and I appreciate the thought from her - she genuinely thinks she is doing me a good turn.

Nearly47 · 31/12/2020 18:15

You are not being unreasonable. I love old furniture. Didn't even want to change a 60/70s bathroom I inherited from previous owner but my DH made me see sense. But you don't like it and don't have the space. She needs to respect that

bellocchild · 31/12/2020 18:19

I think the sofas may need to go to the tip. They won't have current fire safety certificates.