92 year old nana pushing belongings on me

[Duemarch2021]

Feel a bit harsh here and wanting an AIBU or not check... also some advice... my 92 year old (young at heart) nan keeps trying to give me her things.. she has openly told me that she is preparing her house for when she is gone! Me and DP live in a tiny 1 bed flat with no storage and have a baby on the way we have NO room whatsoever for anything even things we need.. nan tries to give me trinkets and ornaments..and furniture and clothes.. i say no i have no room everytime but she doesn't learn and makes me look through piles of ornaments from the 80s, she says things like they could be expensive but i dont care and they're not anyway as u can tell... What do i do? She gave me flowery mugs from her cupboard for Xmas me and DP dont drink hot drinks and she sent them through a family member and knows id have said no if shed have offered them in person. She is pushing stuff on me and i feel awful cos if I take it id take it to a charity shop.. i dont want it! Lol help mee.. cant even take the mugs to a charity shop cos of covid..

She also has about 4 flowery sofas all mismatched in the garage from 1970s and asks me to help her get rid as it gets her down and depressed. I took a picture and offered to sell them on Facebook... she was disgusted at that and said she wants to keep them in the family!!... nobody wants them and we are all young and have modern houses that have particular decor... she doesnt realise that things arnt like they were in the 1940s where furniture was passed down for generations

How often does she comes to visit? If the answer is never, just say thanks for the stuff and send it to charity. She doesn’t need to know.

If she visits from time to time, keep an ornament or two and say you have the other stuff in storage for when you have a bigger house. Obviously, let the things flow, the longer you keep them the more difficult is to get rid of them.

I had an elderly relative who insisted in giving us an allowance as when we were children, there was no talking that could convince her to stop, so we started spending the money on things she may need or want and bring them back to her house.... I wish we had saved the money to pay for her care instead, the amount of clutter we had to clear out when she went to the nursing home was staggering and it was a very difficult process for my mother... as everything she had to bin had acquired “meaning” through our actions so... more than half of the stuff is now cluttering my mother’s home.

The sofas are from the 1970s. Think some people have misread the OP. She was talking about things not being like the 1940s when you passed furniture down the generations.

I'd ask her for whatever it is you want in a direct manner and tell her why you want it and what memories you have attached to the item. Sometimes people just want you to have something of theirs so they feel you'll have a physical token when they are gone. Since you are a minimalist you might ask for something practical that you already have and donate yours to keep hers. It could be a spoon, a high quality pan, a lamp, just anything that you'll get proper use and that won't become clutter in your home. I've decluttered A LOT so i get where yoy are coming from. But i do have scisors that belonged to my DGM, a table cloth that's surprisingly simple and that i use a lot that belonged to my other DGM and a very weird spoon tgat my DGD used daily and that now i use daily. I know you asked for advice related to declinning her offers but i see it has already been addressed but many previous posters. Maybe the strategy of telling her you do want a few things but that this is ALL you'll be keeping can work? Maybe it can't, though, if she doesn't understand that material posessions can be easier to get a hold of in the present for most people.

Tons of mistakes. Sorry!

@krustykittens

1940s furniture is very valuable (I have a few pieces myself) so perhaps some of the wooden pieces can be sold, without telling her, and maybe use the money to have some good times with her while you still can. But I do sympathise, OP, it is an awful position to be in.

Not all of it and OP says her Nan's things are from the 70s and 80s!

You can pick up 40s furniture in charity shops still!

My MIL is already doing this to me OP and she's only 73! In her case it's 80s china and tonnes of crappy wooden frames and other junky things.

I take them and thank her and then donate them. I've kept the things which were her own Mother's though.

Keep what you can, you'll be surprised when she does go how much more it'll mean to you. Especially things you used with her or remember in her house.

This. I know it's hard but it's also hard being bereaved and having nothing of a relatives.

At her age I think it would be kind to accept it and then put it in the bin. What else can you do with it? Don't make it a charity shops problem by dumping it on them. The sofa is a bit different, I'd refuse that one and say you don't have room. Which is true, no need to add that you wouldn't want it even if you had a mansion.

My parents are doing this to me and sis at the moment! Bloody awkward, although there are some vintage pieces I’m really fond of...

What we are doing... accepting all pieces that we can use, vase, cups, etc...
Accepting things for friends who want / need old fashioned things
Dropping boxes straight to charity shop
Bin
As long as there are a few precious things if she’s ever over, you can bluff your way through the rest
Sofas, just say no. Nowhere to store.

So hard, you sound very lovely

My mum is like this. We've had many battles about her dumping piles of stuff she's hoarded on to me. But the arguments were worth it, to me, because she's going to be around for a long time.

If she was in her 90s I would take a different approach. It's fairly common for people of that age to start giving things away in preparation for the end, often with the misguided belief that the things are very valuable and should be treated as family heirlooms. And as you say, things were different when she was young - ornaments tended to hold their value and furniture was passed down.

I would take something small just as a keepsake. You'll be glad of it when she's gone. But mostly I think you need to distract, defer, stall. You can take things later. You'll take the sofas when you move to a bigger place. You'll let her know when you've got room for it etc. Just keep stalling.

Can you all get together as a family (maybe online?) and decide amongst yourselves what you’d like to keep? Then you can tell her that the rest you will keep in storage. Perhaps pool some money together to rent/buy a storage unit? After which, you can sell some items on Shpock, EBay etc. and any money from that can be used towards her care or groceries etc and the rest either donate to the charity shop or pass on to other loved ones who might be interested and the things that can’t be donated, passed on or sold can then be tipped.

Could you start a conversation with her about how valuable these things would be to raise money for charity? Depending on the shops you have in your area, she could choose which they go to. You have to be honest really and say you absolutely love x,y and z and will treasure them but as she knows, you have no space at all for any more but x charity would be thrilled to have them, to raise desperately needed money? Do not get sucked into all this.

We have a site called freecycle in our city. There's always people looking for emergency stuff. Those fleeing domestic violence etc that need everything quickly. Can you look for something like that. It may help her to know her possessions are going to someone more needy.

I have an Aunt living with me now like this. I collected all ornaments, wrapped and labelled in a plastic container. All else got rid of. She wanted me to find a home for Readers Digests collection. And crap tables with wonky wheels , ugly rugs and even nylon bedspreads. She does have carers in the house who were grateful for linens , clothes etc..
It must feel bad that what you have and are attached to ,
is considered useless and crap by your family.

I do think she wants to be remembered and a lovely way to do this and it'll be a treasure for your family tree, is to photograph her with her favourite things and then when you ask for the story around them or any old stories really, discreetly record them for later.

Then you can store the photos in your online family album as keepsakes as well as some of the audio stories.

If she offers small things, that could fit in one hand, go ahead and take those as all those could fit into one box.

I do like the idea of the storage and doing a big cleanout.

I had to clean out from my mother's place. She hoarded and it was a horrible experience.

I spent two days with two chaps with vans clearing out my FIL's house - I would politely tell her you have no room but between you could you agree some more precious things ( not necessarily financial value ) which you could take.

I leave you with this - which is how DH felt

www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/172051648248217110/

We had a relative who was preparing for the end of her life. She wrote the name of who was to take her treasured ornaments on labels on the bottom of them. Whenever anybody visited she asked them what they wanted then wrote their name on it. Of course people didn’t ‘claim’ everything when she died but she didn’t know that and it made her happy in the last few months.

Bless you, OP.

Your Granny sounds lovely, too...But you could have maybe just one small thing?
I have a collection of {Large!} things I know my DC won't want... But I said ''Please keep this one''..and DC said they would {Probably to humour me..}
The rest can be put into an auction .

@GeorgiaGirl52
The Brown Jug story is very poignant.

We all have such different tastes. People live on in memories.

My GM did this too. Even gave me "lovely shoes" as she hasn't worn them much.
I thanked her profusely, said how beautiful everything was and she was so happy to think she was making me happy.
I dropped it all at charity shops, bar a few items that held memories, on the way from her house to my home. She never knew.

[quote BasiliskStare]I spent two days with two chaps with vans clearing out my FIL's house - I would politely tell her you have no room but between you could you agree some more precious things ( not necessarily financial value ) which you could take.

I leave you with this - which is how DH felt

www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/172051648248217110/[/quote]
Love that Pin!

@WhereYouLeftIt

Seriously not being flippant here, but there is a book called "The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter" which I got as a birthday present a few years ago. I did specifically ask for the book as I'd heard it discussed on the radio .

It's been a couple of years since I read it, but I think it did cover things like 'don't unload your stuff onto family'. It's actually pretty helpful about winnowing out your stuff. Maybe get a copy either for her to read or for you to read and get some strategies from?

^^ This. The Gran is doing Swedish death cleaning, either because she's read the book or just by coincidence.

Either way, the whole point of it is not burdening others with things they don't want, either before or after you die.

OP, your gran has already acknowledged not wanting to burden relatives with sorting out her possessions after she is gone, so you need to make her see that making people have things now may also be a burden, especially as you don't have any space.

What palm said: pretend, OP.

My grandad recently passed away at 94. One of his consolations in his old age was the thought that, when he passed, I'd move into his flat (I was the only grandchild, so theoretically doable).

He was so attached to his little flat: he and my grandma had bought it 60 or so years ago with great sacrifices and had lived there all their lives.

Of course, I never even entertained the idea of moving there myself, but I never let grandad know and he was happy in the belief that his only grandchild would inherit his home after he passed. I believe it was very consoling to him, and I certainly wasn't about to tell him straight.

Someone will have to sort everything out when she dies so surely better to do some of it now.
When my gran died the council gave us one week to move the stuff out of her house. Imagine sorting it out in that time frame when you are grieving.

@oakleaffy - I can laugh about it now - but at the time it was not funny - We have some modest things from PIls which were things DH remembered but oh goodness - I will never forget getting these vans - thinking it was a one day job & I ended up in a freezing cold house 100m away from home & having to book a hotel room to meet the house clearers the next morning at larks spit because a day didn't touch the sides. & so poignant to see things they liked being just thrown away because non of my Dh's siblings wanted them.

& to that end - I chuck stuff constantly because I do not want my DS to have to root through 20 boxes of knick knacks or an attic full of stuff - no-one even remembers. ( I like to think I have some years left in me - so not - hopefully an immediate problem ) but an attic full , garage full , shed full - more cupboards, wardrobes and shelves than you could shake a stick at.

I did it because I think DH's sister would have been upset at so much stuff she remembered being thrown away ( well it went to recycling where it could ) - she took what she wanted and remembered of her parents - but it was a car boot full. No more. DBIL - even less.

But yes @Oakleaffy - that pin gives my husband a very wry smile

I wish I had thought to do this after several relatives needed help sorting out their "stuff"

To photograph some of the more interesting things, if you are not going to keep the actual items yourself

One person's possessions are not too bad

Several persons possessions can be over whelming !

Keep a few items that you like
Give some to friends or relatives
Donate to charity
Sell
Freecycle

You will always have your memories
You don't need to keep every single physical item