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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you’d do in this situation?

57 replies

tealtraveller · 30/12/2020 00:09

A bit of backstory: NZ is one of mine and DH’s favourite places, but when DC were tiny the thought of going there permanently was unrealistic (we have no family there). DC1 (16) is adamant that she’s going to live there when she’s older and has been for about 6 years.

A job has come up that would be perfect for me (my job is classed as skilled so that’d be the way to a visa). I’m considering applying for it, DH thinks I should too. Haven’t told DC but DC1 would definitely want me to (DC2 I’m not so sure - she’s 13 for context). I know there’s a chance I won’t get the job, but if I got it I’d find it hard to turn down. This isn’t an opportunity that comes up often so it’s kind of now or never.

Pros

  • live in one of my favourite places
  • better work/life balance
  • DC1 really wants it
  • they’ve dealt with covid well

Cons

  • won’t know anyone/no family
  • DC1 would be moving to a new school system straight after GCSEs
  • not sure how DC2 would react but probably negatively

So what would you do in this situation?
YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - go for it

OP posts:
OppsUpsSide · 30/12/2020 00:12

Go for it, if you get it it was meant to be, if you don’t it wasn’t. Simple!

clpsmum · 30/12/2020 00:15

Go for it! If it works out, fantastic, if it doesn't, come home. Life's too short for what ifs

cochineal7 · 30/12/2020 00:25

I can’t vote either way as it is neither reasonable or unreasonable. Our family moved a lot when I was a child and I loved it. My brother - not so much. So when he turned secondary school age my parents decided to come back and stay put. In your case: it really depends on how you think your DC will cope and whether they will thrive or not. Do they make friends easily? How will school be? Are they adaptable learners and will they be able to switch school system easily? What is your plan if it all doesn’t work out as expected - do you have a way back? Could you come back if you must (keep house here and rent there for the first year for example, and don’t pack up and move burning all your bridges.). I think at the age your DC are you should make a family decision (but I would have separate discussions as DC2 should not feel it is 3-1). Good luck!

grassisjeweled · 30/12/2020 00:26

Go for it 👍

SantasAnus · 30/12/2020 00:30

Omg go for it!! You will also have THE best Prime Minister in the world

alliwantisabitofpeace · 30/12/2020 01:06

Absolutely go for it and make a formal decision if/when you get the job. You won't regret apply for the job but you would regret not.

partyatthepalace · 30/12/2020 01:11

Go for it for sure.

Good luck!

YouBoughtMeAWall · 30/12/2020 01:12

Apply for the job. You can talk to DC2 if you are offered it and go from there.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 30/12/2020 01:23

My experience of NZ is that the young don't tend to stay put. They find Oz more attractive, and the UK, and the States so you may well find that this move splits your family across the world as your kids get to late teens / early twenties and seek adventure.

Just something to consider before you make your mind up.

NZ is a dull place for young people to live, especially after being brought up in the UK and, because of the low population, you have to locate to do your preferred job.

GlowingOrb · 30/12/2020 01:25

What happens to the dc as they become adults. Would they potentially be forced out because they can no longer be linked to your visa?

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 30/12/2020 01:29

Also, my experience of NZ is that they LOVE tourists. I have experienced anti-British rascism from Kiwis who have mistaken me for an immigrant though. Be warned, Poms aren't that popular if you live there.

nancy75 · 30/12/2020 01:34

I am stating the very obvious but it’s a long way!
My DH is Australian & this year we have felt the distance from his family there.
We never imagined there would be a time when he couldn’t get ‘home’ if he needed to, but that’s the situation at the moment.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/12/2020 01:40

I think I'd have to have a serious conversation with your dc2 really. I think that moving a teen across the world without taking their wishes into account would be unreasonable. You have the option to wait 5 years if she is strongly opposed, but you'd need to think about how you'd feel being so far from your dc.

HollaHolla · 30/12/2020 01:47

Do it do it do it!!! NZ is one of my favourite places, and I’d go in a heartbeat now. I considered a permanent move in my 30s, but I didn’t have the support system (no partner/family, and would be completely alone). I then became chronically unwell in my late 30s, and although I would still consider it, it’s more of a big deal now. If you think it’s an option, do it.
Would your job give you a career break for a year, to allow you to see how it goes? Rent out your house, if you own??
Don’t do what a family friend did - give it 3 months, and decide it’s not for you, and come back, even though you sold up, and moved lock stock and barrel.... having lived overseas previously in my 20s, there’s always that terrible homesickness about 5-6 months in, but it’s worth getting past that, so you can make a truly considered decision.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

krustykittens · 30/12/2020 01:59

I would go for it. Myself and DH both agree that our one regret in life is that we didn't experience living and working in other countries. I also think it would be a great experience for your children.

WhenPidgeonsCry · 30/12/2020 02:31

@Stompythedinosaur

I think I'd have to have a serious conversation with your dc2 really. I think that moving a teen across the world without taking their wishes into account would be unreasonable. You have the option to wait 5 years if she is strongly opposed, but you'd need to think about how you'd feel being so far from your dc.
Agreed. I would've REALLY hated moving countries when I was 13. I certainly wouldn't do that to my kid/s if they didn't want me to.
titan89 · 30/12/2020 02:32

wait a few more years, for the sake of your youngest; unless you are a stonemason skilled in the materials used to build Christchurch, the job will come up again. In the middle of this mess, hold off, none of you know.

SunscreenCentral · 30/12/2020 02:37

Omg apply for the job

Say nothing to the dc until you look like it’s a Very Likely Proposition

If you get the job GO

CakeyCakeyCakeCake · 30/12/2020 03:28

Do it!!
We moved to the U.K. (without kids) 17 years ago. I loved it but my DH didn’t love it quite as much. We had two DC and emigrated to Australia a year ago. Our biggest regret is that we didn’t move here ten years ago. We knew no one here, but have been welcomed with open arms, the people here have been the kindest, most friendliest people I have ever met. The sense of community is overwhelming, people CARE about each other. I remember years of living the the U.K. with people not greeting, rudeness etc, (as much as I loved the U.K.) but here it is completely different. We will never come back to the U.K., we miss our family, and yes, I was homesick in the beginning, but we have made the best of it, always been positive and our DC (7 and 15) are thriving!!!! They love the sun and the outdoor lifestyle. Things here are a lot more relaxed, school is easier, a greater focus on relationships and less on screen time etc.
I would move again in a heartbeat.
Don’t go with the mindset of “we will give it three months”. Move with the mindset of “this is our future, we are moving to give our children the best life we can, and we WILL make it work.”

I understand no everyone’s experience is the same when emigrating, but this has been our experience.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2020 03:31

I have a 12 year old dd. She would hate to up sticks and move. She is good at making friends. But is highly attached to her friends and depends on them to anchor her. This is getting easier as she ages. She also would be set back if she changed education systems. Dh and I have vaguely talked about moving to France but wouldn’t for dd. We are dual nationals btw so brexshit doesn’t affect us.

I think 13 is such a difficult age. I think you should definitely talk with your 13 yo rather than hoist your desires on her. It would have been easier to have done this when your kids were younger and more adaptable. If your 13 yo isn’t on board, it may be a case of waiting until she is old enough to make her own decisions. So that would be about 20 imo. And even then that’s a big ask for your child.

I presume you’ve also not lived in NZ. Visiting and living in a country is very very different. Dh and I moved around a lot pre dd with his job - different European countries. I do not have a rose tinted view of moving abroad. It’s hard. But with older kids, the challenges will be high. It would be different if you were moving say for a few years and your youngest could follow the U.K. system / attend an international school, which was the case with the families dh and I met on our travels as the company paid the school fees.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2020 04:04

Further thoughts from me is that you decided not to move when the kids were young as you would have had no family around. It was easier to stay in the U.K... for you.

Now the kids are older, it will easier to move.... for you.

Please don’t make this all about you. This is your dream. We don’t all fulfil our dreams. Your 13 yo should have a big say even if the answer is no.

EagleFlight · 30/12/2020 04:16

I would apply for the job and if you get it, discuss with your DC. I agree with a PP though that this is about you and what you want to do.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/12/2020 04:17

I’m from NZ so biased, I’d go. I wish I was there raising my DC. It is a wonderful upbringing. Yes a lot bugger off for gap years (the big OE) some come back, some don’t. That is something for the future though. Take the opportunity.

ChikiTIKI · 30/12/2020 04:20

With teenage dc I would move ASAP before either of them get a bf/gf which could really complicate things.

FortunesFave · 30/12/2020 04:41

Your youngest will probably be ahead of her NZ classmates so don't worry about that. We moved to Australia from the UK 5 years ago...absolutely no regrets. We're all fully settled, made friends and happy...it's a shock to the system but an adventure.

When I was trying to decide, the thing that helped me was the sudden realisation that I was being presented with an opportunity....yes it could have all gone wrong...but opportunities don't come along that often so you should grab them.