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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can you call yourself a feminist if you can't do flat-pack furniture? (semi light-hearted)

93 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 29/12/2020 19:14

That's it really.

Lone-parent, completely financially self-sufficient, earn a reasonable salary, manage all my own household finances, keep my house in order, do a (generally) OK job of bringing my DD up and very happy as I am. I've always taken pride in not needing to have a bloke around for everything.

The flaw in my armour is I can't do DIY to save my life, other than most basic stuff: home maintenance/changing plugs and lightbulbs/basic screwdriver work. The idea of DIY simultaneously bores me stupid and terrifies me: if I see an Ikea flatpack assembly manual it brings me out in a cold sweat and even if I apply myself to it I literally cannot grasp what needs to be done. To my shame I end up asking either my boyfriend or a more practically-minded girlfriend to help or paying someone else to do it.

Does this make me a complete sell-out or is it OK to just be shit at some "male" jobs? For a long time I've shrugged it off but now feel vaguely embarrassed that I can't do these basic jobs. Trouble is I have very little spare time and find it so uninteresting I can't bring myself to be arsed.

OP posts:

bloodyhairy · 30/12/2020 12:15

Feminism is about what's up here
It doesn't necessarily have to be about practical skills.

GreekOddess · 30/12/2020 12:24

I'm totally useless at stuff like this and dh does it. If I was single I would pay a handyperson to do it for me. It's not a feminist issue I'm useless at quite a lot of things that other people find a breeze.

DillonPanthersTexas · 30/12/2020 12:29

There is no such thing as a male job or a female job. That's the only thing you've said which is problematic.

I agree. That said you still read on these forums people describing household chores as 'pink' or 'blue' jobs.

Original poster

thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2020 12:31

@Superstardjs

Flatpack is not a feminist issue. I'm not great at it by any means. However, I'm a single parent and do not have a partner so this means that if I can't do it, it doesn't get done. One of the things I realised post divorce a decade ago was that I had learned helplessness in some arenas and would just hand over a spanner with big eyes and move out of the way. Now I wrestle with the fucker till I've done it. Or did, my 15yo dd is amazing at such things, so I leave her to it nowadays...

I suppose this is my issue with it. Obviously flatpack is not essential to survival in a developed country but its one thing I am not self-sufficient in and which makes me just that little bit more vulnerable.

I was a bit like you during my marriage because my ex husband was good at this sort of thing and I wasn't (and wasn't interested in it) so I outsourced it to him and saw it at the time as a sensible division of labour.

Now I live on my own and have no intention of living with a man again I tend to have to outsource this either a) to my boyfriend who is OK at this b) to one of several female friends who are reasonably good at it or c) pay a professional to do it. I simply couldn't wrestle with the fucker until I'd done it I just don't have the aptitude I would eventually go mad surrounded by screws and bits of plasterboard.

It's not an insurmountable problem by any stretch but it makes me very aware that it is something which limits my life in certain ways and as my life is very lacking in other limitations this vaguely bothers me.

It's hard to unpick whether it is a result of my having allowed a man to take charge of this in my marriage or whether its a result of my natural lack of ability and interest. Probably a bit of both. But it bothers me that I haven't conquered it.

OP posts:

Original poster

thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2020 12:32

There is no such thing as a male job or a female job. That's the only thing you've said which is problematic.

It's not so much about male jobs or female jobs. It's about the inability to do the things you need to do to look after yourself without seeking the support of others (men or women).

The more I think about this the more I think its not really a feminism issue its a self-sufficiency issue.

OP posts:

HecatesCats · 30/12/2020 12:41

There are some things I refuse to learn (I learned this from my mother who was expert at not learning anything about new technology when it entered the house), because I can't be arsed. But assuming that specific things are male and female roles because men are better at them is a bit of a nonsense, except where brute strength is concerned. I have a much better sense of direction than my partner, who couldn't find his way out of a paper bag, and enjoy driving so I tend to do most of it. I'm also more adept at technology, but that's because, like my mother, he mostly doesn't bother properly working out how that stuff works. He doesn't want to learn. He's an incredible cook though and a bit of a neat freak (I'm not) so we have most areas covered between us.

HecatesCats · 30/12/2020 12:42

The more I think about this the more I think its not really a feminism issue its a self-sufficiency issue.

Yes

DustyMaiden · 30/12/2020 12:48

In the spirit of feminism I will no longer ask DH to do the flat pack construction, I will ask DD.

HecatesCats · 30/12/2020 12:49

@DustyMaiden

In the spirit of feminism I will no longer ask DH to do the flat pack construction, I will ask DD.

LolaSmiles · 30/12/2020 12:53

I'm not sure which way the voting is, but I voted YABU because an aptitude for flat pack furniture is nothing to do with being a feminist. YABU to doubt your feminist principles based on flat pack instructions that seem to range in quality from the good to the what the hell is part G

However, viewing flatpack making and DIY as male jobs might be a sticking point

Scolha · 30/12/2020 12:54

This post is kinda sexist but in my experience men are a lot worse at flat pack furniture because they DON’T READ THE BLOODY INSTRUCTIONS.
They just try to wing it then get frustrated when it all goes wrong.

Snaketime · 30/12/2020 12:56

We all have strengths and weaknesses OP. In my house I am the one who does all the flat packs as my DH is useless at it, whereas my DH does all the cooking when he is at home because I am a terrible cook and he is a chef.

HecatesCats · 30/12/2020 12:59

@Scolha

This post is kinda sexist but in my experience men are a lot worse at flat pack furniture because they DON’T READ THE BLOODY INSTRUCTIONS. They just try to wing it then get frustrated when it all goes wrong.

It's like the opposite of strategic failure. My mother's strategic failure at learning about new technology means she never has to deal with it when things go wrong, and who can blame her, she had enough on her plate. But, launching into something because you haven't bothered to read the instructions, maybe because you think you'll be bloody brilliant at it whatevs, is just creating more work when you have to unpick things.

FrankGrillosFloof · 30/12/2020 13:01

It's ok to be shit at jobs but don't refer to them as 'male' jobs. Not being able to do them is your failing as an individual - don't encourage the stereotype that no female can DIY because of it.

Thatwentbadly · 30/12/2020 13:03

I’m a feminist who is a SAHM, I rarely put the bins out and like pink. I love an IKEA flat pack.

Original poster

thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2020 13:07

@FrankGrillosFloof

It's ok to be shit at jobs but don't refer to them as 'male' jobs. Not being able to do them is your failing as an individual - don't encourage the stereotype that no female can DIY because of it.

Sorry and point taken but I've already corrected this several times: I've said its not really about "male" vs "female" jobs its about self-sufficiency and being able to do things without help.

OP posts:

TyroTerf · 30/12/2020 13:08

Feminists existed before IKEA, so I think you're safe, OP.

I call myself a feminist but I never do the DIY stuff. This is because my brother lives next door and actively enjoys DIY, and it seems a shame to deny him the opportunity.

Pipandmum · 30/12/2020 13:11

As many men are completely useless at DIY too. I can do a flat pack, though the ones that require a second pair of hands can be tricky...

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