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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask how often you have sex?

54 replies

Celp28 · 29/12/2020 15:14

Sorry for the personal question but I’m genuinely curious. I’ve been married for 13 years. We have 4 dc, dd 17, ds 16, ds 5 and ds 10 months old. Ds5 has sleep apnea and is awaiting an operation to remove his tonsils and adenoids and his tonsils kiss and he wakes up several times a night from not being able to breathe. He was due his operation last July but due to Covid it has been postponed until March. He sleeps in bed with us due to his condition.
5 weeks ago my nephew (dh family) got kicked out of his house due to a relationship break up and is currently staying in our dining room on a sofa bed until he finds suitable accommodation.
Dh works night shift 5 nights a week, I work 5 days a week 8 to 5pm, including alternative weekends. I returned to work from maternity leave in November.
Dh informed me this morning that there is no point in us remaining married as we don’t have sex as often as he would like. We last had sex on Christmas Eve so only 4 days ago. He worked Boxing Day and 27th, and 28th night shift. I worked 27th and 28th day shift. With it being Christmas and the dc being home from school, and dn residing in our dining room, there has been next to no privacy.
Before Christmas we was averaging sex maybe twice or 3 times a month, privacy is always an issue with the house being so full and ds being in our room. Lockdown made things worse as dc home all day and especially as teenagers are up later at night. I’ve had to be creative and find snippets of time. I admit it’s hardly romantic, but I do try to find time and ways to get privacy.
My husband is a naturally negative person and is always glass half empty. He loves to have something to moan about and his life is always worse than anyone else’s. However I feel like his latest outburst is a step too far. I explained that I am not a performing monkey, and sometimes I don’t feel like having sex when I’ve run around cooking and cleaning for 7 people all day while he’s sat around moping with a face like a slapped arse. But apparently he married me because he wanted a relationship where sex was the most important thing and making a man feel wanted should be my priority. Apparently I am causing his mental health to decline because we only average sex 3 times a month.
I do try to be affectionate in other ways, for example I will give him a kiss and a cuddle when he wakes up and make him a coffee. I always text him and tell him I love him before I go to bed when he’s on night shift. I try to make him his favourite meals and watch his favourite programs on tv etc, etc.

OP posts:
CrotchBurn · 29/12/2020 15:17

You've said what you do and how you try to show him you care.

Can I ask what this man does to make you feel special?

You sound like a hardworking woman with a generous heart. It isnt right that sex be placed on you as an extra chore.

Nochangeplease · 29/12/2020 15:20

6 years ago. I’m not sure I’d recommend it or not but it’s better than feeling under pressure to please someone else or like it’s a duty you must fulfill to be a good wife. It sounds like you have a lot going on and sometimes life gets in the way.

Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 15:22

4 years ago 😂

MrsOmelette · 29/12/2020 15:23

You must know you aren’t being unreasonable. Teens in the house, house guests, young children, young children with serious sleep issues - my word you aren’t a performing sea lion! What’s most important isn’t sex, that can go with circumstances or ill health or age...it’s intimacy and respect. If he does not value what is going on around, how much running around you are doing, but sits there in a grump - that’s on him the selfish so and so, not you.
For info, when DH and I were in our first year we averaged once every four days. I was the one with the higher drive but it was fine. Now, we are once every 2 months or so and he is higher. We remember to cuddle, that keeps us close, that and the fact we really value each other and he truly appreciates I love him and wouldn’t be like this through personal choice. You have a respect issue within your marriage.

pepsicolagirl · 29/12/2020 15:24

Maybe twice a year!?
We are NOT in a good place tho, the marriage is dead in the water tbh

nosswith · 29/12/2020 15:25

There are other threads on this in the relationships and sex sections, perhaps better off being there?

Heartofstrings · 29/12/2020 15:25

I'm not sure if this is the answer you want... with my husband once a month. With OM1 about twice a month and OM2 about twice a month. Well...might be more.if it wasn't for.covid as it's now zero!

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2020 15:26

You're asking the wrong question.

The question to be asked is - 'why are you staying with this man and what do you get out of it?'

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 29/12/2020 15:29

To say there's 'no point in remaining married' is beyond mean, and would make me never want to have sex with the bastard again. He doesn't respect you much, if at all.

StoneColdBitch · 29/12/2020 15:30

I agree with your husband that 2-3 times a month isn't great. I wouldn't be happy with that. DH and I have sex pretty much every day on average (sometimes it's twice a day, sometimes we don't have sex for a day or two, but it averages out). However, your husband really isn't being fair making this your problem and making it, as a PP said, another chore for you to attend to. Habe a think about what might make you want more sex - your husband helping with housework, or being more kind to you, or weekends away, or whatever - and then try to talk to your DH about ways he can get you in the mood more often. He is not hugely unreasonable to want sex more than twice a month, but he has got to play his part in making you actually want to have sex with him!

DobbleQueen · 29/12/2020 15:31

2 months ago. Toddler, teenager, Covid and work stress all factors. On MN you'll get a lot of 'every day' responses but honestly I have a close friendship group IRL and I don't think it's unusual in a long term relationship/marriage to go through peaks and troughs droughts

AldiIsla · 29/12/2020 15:32

How often does he do something for you, something loving and helpful?

pallisers · 29/12/2020 15:33

apparently he married me because he wanted a relationship where sex was the most important thing and making a man feel wanted should be my priority.

not sure I'd want to have sex with someone who said this to me.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 29/12/2020 15:33

He sounds like an utterly misogynistic pig OP. What does he do to make you feel special? You sound very busy and hardworking with lots of children around - what does he expect? When does he want to have sex? With the children in the room or does he want you to force them all to go out in the middle of a pandemic? Ridiculous. P. S about 1 or 2 times a month.

Mapletreelane · 29/12/2020 15:34

Blimey, with all that on you were doing well 3 times a month. You must be absolutely exhausted. But he clearly cannot see that and understand your point of view. Maybe worth asking admin to move this thread relationships so you can get some advice. Good luck OP.

movingonup20 · 29/12/2020 15:34

It's a how long is a piece of string question. By their 40's many couples are 1-2 times a month, some less, some more. No relationship is based on sex alone so you need a conversation about what else is the problem eg working opposite shifts? Lack of non sex intimacy eg cuddling, general depression?

We are at it several times a week so I'm not the right person to ask now but with exh it was 1-2 times a month

ShinyGreenElephant · 29/12/2020 15:35

He sounds awful! Me and DH both have fairly high sex drives and our ideal usually is 1-2x a week. During holidays or any times we're less tired and busy then its most nights. BUT our 2yo has started sleeping in our bed since we all had covid and were struggling to get her back out, plus I'm 7m pregnant and hes working loads of overtime / often working away. Weve had sex 4 times in the last 6 months. I miss it and I'm sure he misses it too but if he said that to me he would honestly be out on his ear so bloody fast he wouldn't know what had hit him. Sex isn't his god given right or some kind of chore you should be completing!

FippertyGibbett · 29/12/2020 15:35

Sounds like he just wants out.

Hailtomyteeth · 29/12/2020 15:36

I'm so sorry, OP.

I'm laughing my head off here at the whingey, whiney bastard who can't find his dick with his right hand. You should put his sex life first, should you? And when has he done that for you?

I don't know the way forward. I think it hints at him writing 'The Script' ready for the split.

I wish you good luck whichever way it goes. Always remember, it's not you, it's him.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 29/12/2020 15:37

@stonecoldbitch when do you find the time or energy for that amount of sex? I'm exhausted just reading that.

Alwaysandforeverhere · 29/12/2020 15:38

I’d have to say I’d question what the point was at 2/3 times a month. I’m more a 3 times a week minimum kind of person.

However his gone about it the wrong way it needs a proper discussion and efforts made on both sides to fix but as a long term thing I’d rather be single with a few fwb than only 2/3 times a months in a marriage.

ThornAmongstRoses · 29/12/2020 15:39

He sounds horrible OP.

For the last 7 Years me and DH have been through a very, very, very dry spell due to pregnancies, babies, breastfeeding (and repeat) and in that time we had phases where we didn’t have sex for a year!!!

Things have been improving over the last 6 months though and we have sex 1-2 times a week and my husband thinks he’s the luckiest guy in the world because of how things have been in the past.

During those 7 years of barely any sex (maybe 20 times during that time frame) he never, ever made me feel bad about it, he never pushed for it and he never made any derogatory comments about our marriage.

You deserve so, so much better Flowers

BigusBumus · 29/12/2020 15:44

DH and I (together 16 years, 3 teens) are about 2 or 3 times a week. Mainly quickies, but always fun. I couldn't stand only 2 or 3 times a month and would feel unloved too.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2020 15:45

PLEASE read between the lines people!! It really is not helpful for the op to read how you have sex with your husband every two minutes. Her husband is an arsehole who has destroyed her self esteem so thoroughly, that she'll probably take away from this thread that it's up to her to give her husband more sex - rather than realising it's her husband who needs to change, not her.

davekim · 29/12/2020 15:48

@pallisers

apparently he married me because he wanted a relationship where sex was the most important thing and making a man feel wanted should be my priority.

not sure I'd want to have sex with someone who said this to me.

I agree! We try to have sex daily but it differs as our house is also busy (4DC), plus we both work full time and study online. This year has been a lot quieter than normal (we have been married 20 years).

If DH spoke to me like that, he would be given a piece of my mind! But we are equals in our marriage, and I wouldn't tolerate any less.

The thing that jumps out to me, is, could this be an excuse for something else?
You don't just end a marriage for this, suddenly, without any previous discussion.