Aibu to ask how often you have sex?

[Celp28]

Sorry for the personal question but I’m genuinely curious. I’ve been married for 13 years. We have 4 dc, dd 17, ds 16, ds 5 and ds 10 months old. Ds5 has sleep apnea and is awaiting an operation to remove his tonsils and adenoids and his tonsils kiss and he wakes up several times a night from not being able to breathe. He was due his operation last July but due to Covid it has been postponed until March. He sleeps in bed with us due to his condition.
5 weeks ago my nephew (dh family) got kicked out of his house due to a relationship break up and is currently staying in our dining room on a sofa bed until he finds suitable accommodation.
Dh works night shift 5 nights a week, I work 5 days a week 8 to 5pm, including alternative weekends. I returned to work from maternity leave in November.
Dh informed me this morning that there is no point in us remaining married as we don’t have sex as often as he would like. We last had sex on Christmas Eve so only 4 days ago. He worked Boxing Day and 27th, and 28th night shift. I worked 27th and 28th day shift. With it being Christmas and the dc being home from school, and dn residing in our dining room, there has been next to no privacy.
Before Christmas we was averaging sex maybe twice or 3 times a month, privacy is always an issue with the house being so full and ds being in our room. Lockdown made things worse as dc home all day and especially as teenagers are up later at night. I’ve had to be creative and find snippets of time. I admit it’s hardly romantic, but I do try to find time and ways to get privacy.
My husband is a naturally negative person and is always glass half empty. He loves to have something to moan about and his life is always worse than anyone else’s. However I feel like his latest outburst is a step too far. I explained that I am not a performing monkey, and sometimes I don’t feel like having sex when I’ve run around cooking and cleaning for 7 people all day while he’s sat around moping with a face like a slapped arse. But apparently he married me because he wanted a relationship where sex was the most important thing and making a man feel wanted should be my priority. Apparently I am causing his mental health to decline because we only average sex 3 times a month.
I do try to be affectionate in other ways, for example I will give him a kiss and a cuddle when he wakes up and make him a coffee. I always text him and tell him I love him before I go to bed when he’s on night shift. I try to make him his favourite meals and watch his favourite programs on tv etc, etc.

@StoneColdBitch Fair play to you. I need a nap after reading that

Thank you for the replies. Dh does work hard. I think he’s tired because of the night shift. I appreciate that he works hard to provide for our family. I genuinely don’t think he means to be selfish but he is. He does not help with household chores. He will bath younger dc and play with them a little, but not for very long. He very much likes his own time, watching tv and playing on his phone and if I am not at work all dc needs will naturally fall to me.
I have spoken to him before about his attitude and pointed out the obvious things - working different shifts, ds5 health condition, house guests, baby and teenagers in the house, how busy I am.
It’s fair to say that I don’t have a particularly high sex drive. I never crave sex and to be honest most of the times that we do have sex it’s because I know I should rather than my want to. That said, I never make that obvious, I always make out like I really want to 😂 It’s worth saying too that we only ever have sex if I initiate it. This has been a point throughout our marriage and I did tell him years ago that I don’t feel wanted as he never initiated it with me. He still never does, but complains at how infrequently we do it.

These threads are always so weird.

The answers are either a couple of times a decade or four times a day.

OP I wouldn’t have sex with him either with that attitude.

Couple of times a week here but never any pressure on either side. Thankfully we have fairly even sex drives.

I will give him a kiss and a cuddle when he wakes up and make him a coffee. I always text him and tell him I love him before I go to bed when he’s on night shift. I try to make him his favourite meals and watch his favourite programs on tv etc, etc.
And what does he do for YOU? Other than threaten divorce because he’s not getting laid as frequently as he’d like, even though it sounds like you’re the one creating all the opportunities and doing all the life work.

FWIW we don’t have sex as often as I’d like, due to sleepless toddler, but I don’t threaten DP over it. We’re both working hard and not getting enough sleep and it’s lower on his priority list than mine.

Op, you still haven't answered 'what does your husband do for YOU?'
You've detailed he works hard, as do you, as do most adults, you've listed loads of stuff you do for him, loads of stuff you do for your dc. What does he do FOR YOU?

I don't think it matters in the slightest how much sex other people are having. It matters that your marriage sounds utterly miserable and your husband is making sex the issue.
What does he do for you exactly that you should be so grateful that you're dropping your soaking wet pants on the floor every five minutes?

Oh dear 🤦🏻‍♀️ Now I’m thinking about it I’m not actually sure what he does do emotionally for me. He’s not affectionate. He never has been. It’s never really occurred to me to mind before. But now it’s being thrown in my face I can think of the things I do to make his life easier, but not anything he does to make mine easier iyswim. Maybe I’m just upset, but I’m wracking my brain and can’t think of anything.

He's lucky you can bring yourself to have sex with him at all. You shouldn't be running around after seven people. YANBU, he sounds like a drain on you.

Do you think he is trying to rewrite history as an excuse to leave and cast himself as the victim?

He sounds like a fantastic contraception! Who would want sex with him? Why doesn't he ever initiate?

He sounds like a cunt.

We have sex when we feel like it, could be once a week or we've taken several month gaps before now.

I'm a partner not a sex doll.

Our at our lowest maybe one a week but then we have times where it's daily so it balances out

So not only do you do everything but it is on you to initiate

To be honest your sex life sounds fairly normal with life stuff simply getting in the way - your life outside of that sounds like you are saddled with a man who doesnt do anything

Hi Op

I am not married or in a relantship.

I am just impressed with all the demands of family life and a husband like yours.

You are up to emotionally/manage to have sexual intimancy with him all ! 😕

Christmas eve. Lately it has been monthly but we are very affectionate we hug several times a day, we chat. He is a hugger
Life gets in the way.
Your DH sounds sulky.

At the moment, about once a month, maybe less, I'm pregnant so not very interested, comfortable or sexy

Before, about every other day, ttc.

And before that anywhere from once a fortnight, maybe less, to every day, maybe more. Depends how stressed and tired we are with work, what our weight is like, how annoying he's been lately!

If my husband behaved like yours he wouldn't be getting any at all! If he wants more sex he can make your life easier.

Your husband is an arse.

And I don't think it's helpful to canvas how often other people are having sex when you have such a specific set of circumstances that make it difficult to find the time, energy and privacy.

We have a one year old. He still sleeps in our room. DH is on AD's which means he struggles to climax. I'm on ADs which dampen my sex drive (probably not a bad thing). I'm working 2 jobs and DH is almost single handedly looking after DS. We don't have sex often tbh. I know that when things are better for all of us it'll pick up though. We've been together 10 years.

@CanofCant yes! He loves to rewrite history! Oh my god, all of the time! He literally does it after every argument.
I don’t think he does want a divorce, I think he’s just craving my attention. And I feel guilty that I can’t give him more attention, but I’m literally spread as thin as I can go.
But what he probably doesn’t realise is that this outburst of his has got me questioning what he does. He has these woe is me moments at least every couple of months and it’s really grating on me. I feel like the whole world is just ticking over at the moment, no one has any real excitement due to restrictions and the like, but to dh, he’s the only person missing out. It’s irritates me so much. But I just smile and carry on. But when he accuses me of being a rubbish wife, I just exploded. Well not in front of him, he’s gone to bed due to night shift tonight, but inwards I’m just thinking what is the point anymore.

Personally with all that going on I am amazed you do it as often as you do

Tell him to find some space and time to do it, by helping you, by sorting out the kids, by finding some privacy somehow, it’s not all up to you

Next time he talks about splitting I would go and pack his bag, hand it to him and say ok off you go

He sounds bloody awful!

Me and DP do it about 3 times a week and that’s more than enough for us as we’re both exhausted most of the time. When I was 18 I would have sex multiple times a day with my boyfriend but I can’t think of anything more tedious now when I have lots to be doing in my day

Been with husband 13 years- average probably 2-3 times a week. Although some weeks we don’t have sex at all if we are too tired or ‘time of month’

I can't imagine bei g particularly interested in a man who sat around doing fuck all then expected me to make him feel wanted either. What a bore! Have you suggested he make himself more interesting?

Rewriting history? No. He's not craving your attention he's a manipulative child!

@arethereanyleftatall

You're asking the wrong question.

The question to be asked is - 'why are you staying with this man and what do you get out of it?'

This.

It's irrelevant how much other random people have sex: you'll get as many answers as you do responses.

The issue is that your DH is a bully who seems to expect you to prioritise fulfilling his sexual needs in addition to meeting all of his other needs without a thought for what you want. It sounds as if he wouldn't be happy if you were shagging four times a day to be honest.

The question is why on earth would you want to have sex with someone who bullies you like this?