How do you stop people buying big useless stuff for your kids

[Godimabitch]

I know I'm being unreasonable and ungrateful.

Our baby isn't even born yet and has 4 teddies. Two are small and comforters and perfect for baby. But one person has given us two massive teddies, bigger than a 1yo baby. One of which is one on those with velcro on the back that fastens to a seatbelt, what am I meant to do with that for the next 6+ years until our child uses a seatbelt?! And is it even safe?

I really dont think there's any practical advice. We have the same issue with the dog, we do a combination of leaving stuff at theirs and throwing it away but that's alot easier with a dog, she doesn't ask to take stuff home and she chews things and rips them so it's the perfect excuse to bin them.

Is genuinely making me so anxious, hence even posting, just need to get it off my chest and be told I'm being a twat. We have a small nursery that I've worked really hard to decorate nicely. I really do not want it overflowing with cheap bulky teddies that dont get played with.

Get the dog to ‘accidentally’ chew up the big teddies 😬

Request vouchers in future?

It’s normal to be given stuff. However you don’t need to keep it. Be selective.

You could open a junior stocks and shares ISA and make sure everyone knows, suggest while they are so young that token gifts would be better but if they wish they can also add to the child's saving account.
I pay into one for one set of nephews, and for the others I buy silver britannia bullion coins, for both the children gain for the future, but get smaller gifts that they can enjoy in the moment.

You can’t stop them - my MIL gives us bin bags full of junk at Christmas, birthday, visits (thanks, Covid for at least cutting down on this, though she still abuses the postal service to inundate us with crap) - but you’re under no obligation to keep anything.

We returned loads of stuff to the shops for credit when DD was born, and were able to buy what we needed. Otherwise, charity shop, eBay, Freecycle, Gumtree, etc.

They'd still inundate us with stuff even if they also put into a saving account. Its stuff they win or get of carboot sales or discount stores.

You're right, all we can do is get rid of it, they'll definitely ask about the bloody seatbelt thing. I'll just say I put it away for when they're older, hopefully they'll forget about it.

It's neither unreasonable nor ungrateful not to want to be given things that are unsuitable & that you cannot physically accommodate in your house. Can you tell I have a similar issue? My MIL is a compulsive shopper & we have tried suggesting tokens, cash gifts for DD's savings account, DD has an Amazon wishlist, to no avail. For MIL it's all about the fun of buying. Even DD (8) is already realising that her GM doesn't buy things that are suitable. This Christmas she was given, amongst the many other things from the PILs, 3 books that are suitable for a toddler. (She is an advanced reader.) Because we've raised her to be polite, MIL never realises that DD finds it quite hurtful to be continually given a load of second hand, often dirty, items that need button batteries (which we can't afford to keep replacing) or impractical items like clothes or hats in the wrong size, or with lights on which can't be washed. Or cheap tat which breaks as soon as it comes out of the pack.

You're not unreasonable. At all. People who don't have this issue, don't know.

I hear you.

Two massive ugly bean bags from the in-laws this year. Straight into the loft awaiting the skip’s arrival next week.

You be selective in what you keep.
I wouldn't do junior ISA, the money gets handed over at 16, I know a kid who blew there's on computer games. A trust account is the way to go.

Give suggestions for birthday and Christmas- he doesn't have a xxxx

I feel your pain - its so hard!

Thankfully, ours are older now, but when they were little, it was a constant onslaught of well meant crap! Not ashamed to say that we often 'accidentally lost' things! We tried to be gently honest about what our kids needed/wanted & provided polite lists/suggestions for birthdays & Christmas etc. but still it came.

I can still remember my mum & mum in law buying bags of clothes when our oldest was born but most of them were the wrong size for the age he'd be during that season, ie, Winter stuff in a huge size when he'd still only be a few months old & Summer stuff in newborn sizes when he'd be almost 1yr old. We used what we could, layering the poor child up, but a lot was donated elsewhere, almost unused.

I'm so conscious of not doing this to friends & family myself, as a result! I always ask exactly what they'd prefer & make a particular point with the clothes. I think sometimes people get caught up in it all & the buying of gifts is more about the thrill it gives them than the benefit of the people they're giving it to. I've happily contributed a gift of cash towards something 'big' the parents want to buy - better that than something their child doesn't want or need or won't use.

gingerbiscuits
Clothes still drives me batty, and I'm years down the line, stuff that's massive for my two tiny kids. I've had character clothing outgrown long before it fits. Jackets 3 sizes too big. A kid that still fits 2-3 with growing room age 5-6 for Christmas. Can I be bothered hanging onto it for years???

You have to be assertive and say no thank you, 'oh lovely thought but we dint have space for it' keep it at your house if you like and she'll see it when we visit. Over and over, they might think you're fussy (sure some do about me) , but the crap will stop. I was quite vocal when I was pregnant that I wasn't having my house full of giant plastic, flashing crap, I'd rather smaller well made/greener. DS got some lovely toys, books and puzzles for Christmas from friends and relatives.

My brother is like this. Partly because he loves to see a big pile of presents under the tree at Xmas and likes the feeling of being the cool uncle who gifts all the cool (irritating) presents. This year he sent a lot less junk as he wasn't going to be there to see it all.

I feel for you - I've often thought about this when watching our family at Christmas. Dbro and DSil have a relatively small place, and buy appropriately on birthdays and Christmas both for budget and space for DNephew (now 5). However Dsis and DM seem to try and one-up both DSil and each other every time in buying a veritable mountain of large toys, playhouses and teddies for DN (think 2-3 car trips to get it all home), all whilst playing the generous martyr for spending so much (since they know poor DSil couldn't possibly afford to spend that much).

Unfortunately it seemed to get worse as he moved from baby to toddler, although now that he's school-age the presents seem to be shrinking to a more manageable size.

You are not remotely being a twat. Our daughter is 2 now and this has been a perennial problem with MIL. I'm the opposite of a hoarder, I don't like a lot of tat everywhere and it makes me quite anxious. Culminating in a massive row between me and DH where I could be heard to scream 'if she buys DD her first bike without discussing it with us I'm going to fucking kill her!'
We've tried asking nicely but it doesn't work so now I'm just brutal and get rid of stuff.

The problem with getting people to give money is that your less well off friends may feel embarrassed and ashamed that the money they have to give is so little. This has certainly been my experience. Actual presents don't seem as obviously second rate.
Reassuring friends that you will not ditch them for this might be one part of your strategy, if you wish.

Just watching something on telly regarding airport security and it seems that sometimes large cuddly toys are used to transport drugs.

I suggest you 'de-construct' it and see what's inside, afterwards you can throw all the bits away. You can tell the person that gave it to your child that it was unavoidably destroyed during a routine drugs check at that you often undertake at house.

If it’s family they now know that since we have a small house, any big gifts (I.e. larger than a puzzle box or Lego set), stays at the givers house for the children to play with.

That rule put an end to large gifts that their grandparents loved giving. And also they knew it wasn’t personal - we just didn’t have the space and it wasn’t fair us getting rid of something we bought the children just to make room for their gift.

Put it in the attic and take it out when they come around? Have regular culls of the plastic tat & if your DH asks, say it must have got lost? Donate it to charity if it could be useful but not your taste after a while

Regift or charity shop!

I usually ask what the grandchildren would like and ask to be sent a link to order it - am also very open to their parents asking "are you looking for ideas of what to get the children?" happy napper all round this year. There's such a lot of choice of what to get and I'd far rather be asked than to waste the money on something that isn't wanted or useful. Your friends can still buy a gift that is within their budget and they'll possibly be more aware of what would be appropriate...

We are always asked what ds wants, and I always ask for other peoples DC. I truly hate teddies in general - dust magnets. I think with big sized items you should always ask as most people need space for that.

What everyone else said. Take a photo of them with it then get rid of it. I do that with clothes too.

I've also been very vocal about how excited I am for^ us to buy baby's first dolls house/play kitchen/car garage/bike and:^

Can you believe So 'n so's mum/mother in law bought x^ for Christmas and she was so upset and can you blame her? Who would do that without speaking to the parents first? We're so lucky our family isn't like that.
^

Stock phrase around here is,
You can buy what you want but if we don't like it we won't use it. Especially when dealing with in laws whose fashion sense is questionable at best.
Any unwanted clothes and toys go into a big bag to be dropped off at the charity shop. When I'm asked where they are I say 'that's not the type of thing I want DS to wear/play with etc so I've donated it to charity.'

You can ask, they will most likely ignore
Just get rid at charity shop, ebay, facebook, school tombola

Depends on who it's from. I'm a bit more tactful with the ILs, try to nod and smile at the time, let DS play with whatever it is infront of them then bin/charity shop once we get home. With my own mum, we've agreed to have an Amazon wish list of gifts for her to choose from as she genuinely has no clue when left to her own devices.