How do you stop people buying big useless stuff for your kids

[Godimabitch]

I know I'm being unreasonable and ungrateful.

Our baby isn't even born yet and has 4 teddies. Two are small and comforters and perfect for baby. But one person has given us two massive teddies, bigger than a 1yo baby. One of which is one on those with velcro on the back that fastens to a seatbelt, what am I meant to do with that for the next 6+ years until our child uses a seatbelt?! And is it even safe?

I really dont think there's any practical advice. We have the same issue with the dog, we do a combination of leaving stuff at theirs and throwing it away but that's alot easier with a dog, she doesn't ask to take stuff home and she chews things and rips them so it's the perfect excuse to bin them.

Is genuinely making me so anxious, hence even posting, just need to get it off my chest and be told I'm being a twat. We have a small nursery that I've worked really hard to decorate nicely. I really do not want it overflowing with cheap bulky teddies that dont get played with.

Similar situation here! I eBay what we don’t want to keep and then put the money in my DDs savings account, that way I feel less guilty about not keeping it. And anything not good enough for eBay goes to the charity shop. Although as DD has got a bit older family members have got better at asking for suggestions of what she actually wants/needs when it comes to birthdays and Christmas.

It's a nightmare. Before the baby is born is the best time to deal with it though. Go on loudly about how you have loads of stuff already and don't need any more. Just in general terms rather than specifically asking anyone not to buy things. That worked for us to an extent - some of the relatives now ask what we want or check we don't already have something.
Unfortunately some just buy because they want to and won't listen to reason. One comes round with a bag of tat nearly every week - nearly all of it completely inappropriate for a toddler and also complete rubbish to the extent I wouldn't give it to another child. No matter how many times I suggest books or money into an account it just falls on deaf ears. Of course it can be given to charity but they are overwhelmed currently and can only get a fraction of the value, it seems so wasteful!
Most people do give really nice things that I am very grateful for, will last a long time and can then be passed on to other people, it's just immediate family that we seem to have this problem with.
Can only suggest a combination of being repeatedly blunt about it, and not feeling bad about just getting rid of stuff immediately.
Out of 15 presents given to our daughter by one relative this Christmas, only 2 were safe for a child her age, and one of those was absolutely hideous. You are not alone with this problem!

Tell people you have limited space, so no bulky things please?

I did try this with MIL for years and she never listened, though - kept asking us to take old stuff of DH's from the 5-bedroom house she and FIL lived in when we were in a 2-bed flat with 2 kids!

The "baby was sick on it" is going to be a lifesaver but I will try to reiterate firmly not to buy things because I dont want stuff going in the bin.

They're not dicks about it which is why it's so hard to be firm, I explain we don't need any more and they say they understand and then more stuff arrives!

@Fairyliz

I would actually be more concerned that being given some tat is making you anxious. Surely most people would feel mildly irritated then dump it or donate to charity. Try and be a bit more laid back, it will help when baby arrives.

You've obviously never been at the receiving end of a pathological tat giver 😂

Dh and I now dread birthdays and Christmas due to one of our relatives who floods you with unwanted junk each time.

It sounds silly but it's the boundary breaking (have asked them repeatedly not to), the lottery of how much, how inappropriate, how broken and dirty the items will be, the guilt trips and recriminations and the mental load of having to sort and take the stuff to the charity shop (young baby, full time job, no car).

It can be mentally exhausting!

Out of 15 presents given to our daughter by one relative this Christmas, only 2 were safe for a child her age, and one of those was absolutely hideous

That is a ridiculous amount of stuff from one person. And 15 things is probably an entire Christmas for many kids.

One of my other ways to deal with overload of stuff, is to stick it in the wardrobe of our spare room. It then goes into next Christmases toy appeal.

One of my bug bares is loads of places want to collect toys for under privileged children but few will take second hand.

@ScarletZebra

Why don't people try speaking to their relatives

Instead of hinting, getting annoyed, throwing away stuff, why don't you try a proper adult conversation where you say that you know they are being nice but please don't buy XYZ. Better still, tell them what they can buy. Then if they don't listen you are perfectly justified in doing what you want with unwanted gifts.

This only works on people who accidentally get carried away with gifting or the sort of person who wouldn't have done this in the first place.

Repeat offenders tend to be the sort of person who enjoys recreational shopping and bargain hunting as a sport.

So will ignore your lists, requests and pleas and fine loopholes to continue. Eg. 'It's not from me, it's from Santa' or 'I didn't BUY it, I got it from Freecycle.'

Give detailed suggestions before every birthday/ Christmas, not just "they likes dinosaurs/cars/dolls" or whatever, that's worse because you end up with something impractical but that the child won't let you get rid of. Instead you need to say "I've seen this great ... I think they'll love, I'll send you a link". It took a while to get over the feeling of been really cheeky, but most people would rather give a gift that is appreciated, then something you throw away.

Amazon wishlist, savings for a big present, savings in general or take then shopping. I took dm shopping this year for dd and ds presents and they absolutely love them as I knew they would. Dm gets photos of presents being loved, dcs get what they want,.my house remains shite free.

Can you ask for annual passes for the family. Or a trip to the theatre (obviously after Covid). I don't like waste but have learnt that my MIL doesn't mean to upset me, she just loves to shop.

The shit you get when youre pregnant omg! I have a drawer full of huge thick knitted 'cot' blankets that i am never going to use because DS sleeps in a sleeping bag.
People brought 4 thousand teddies 'for the cot' like does no one know about an empty cot is a safe cot?

DS is 6 months old and he received toys for xmas that are 3+???? Buy them him in 3 years?! Now ive got to find a home for them for 3 years!

I sympathise! I live in a first floor flat and have been gifted paddling pools, ball pits and teddies bigger than my child. I've been given kerplunk-type marble toys as a Christmas presents for my (then) 18 month old which clearly state not suitable for under 3years due to choking hazard. It went straight to the charity shop. People always think you don't mean it when you say "please don't buy stuff, we have everything we need", as if you are just saying it to be polite. It's infuriating. Wish people would listen!

For Christmas this year, I was very direct with my family as we have every toy, book and item of clothing he could possibly need as he has an older brother who has just outgrown it. They seemed to get the message for the 2nd baby and they bought jars of baby food and some baby snacks which are far more useful to us than another teddy!

Is genuinely making me so anxious

This is me every birthday / Xmas. Two DS, small house. As soon as they open big boxes I stress about where it will go, what I’ll have to get rid of to make space.

However it’s never as bad as I’m expecting. Lots of things take a lot less space when unboxed.

I also keep an ongoing basket of things that I know we don’t need / want, and they go straight into the charity bags that come in the door. Or regifted.

If you can’t tell them, an your DP? Is it his mum? I’d have to tell her, I just have nowhere to put huge toys. Could you go with the suffocation risk??

@ScarletZebra

Why don't people try speaking to their relatives

Instead of hinting, getting annoyed, throwing away stuff, why don't you try a proper adult conversation where you say that you know they are being nice but please don't buy XYZ. Better still, tell them what they can buy. Then if they don't listen you are perfectly justified in doing what you want with unwanted gifts.

We've tried. We've tried having the polite conversation with my PILs. Several times. We've tried telling them, & showing them, that DD's bedroom is now so full of toys (most of which they bought her) that she can't actually play in there. DD struggles to part with things because she has ASD. Unless we tell them to Stop Fucking Buying Her Things Or We'll Ban Them From Seeing Her, we don't know what else to do. They don't listen. They are compulsive shoppers, to the extent that they were repossessed a few years ago, but still turned up regularly with binbags full of presents throughout that year. 2020 has been relatively peaceful, for us. Less opportunity for them to wander the shops, spending. They are a nightmare, TBH.

You can’t. To them it’s a harmless and beautiful expression of love. Every birthday and Christmas giant ( huge bin bag) size bags of stuff plus large toys. Every Costco special going. Every novelty cup. When the kids were small it was every weekly trip to a supermarket resulted in a soft toy. Every different type of request to reduce the volume was ignored. You just have to recycle and donate like buggery on a monthly basis. It does calm down when they’re teenagers 😬

By the time I had my third child in a small house I had a charity shop bag ready to put stuff into as it arrived. All the lovely cute baby clothes - but I’d already had a chest of draws full of clothes abs got rid of two bin bags of clothes before the third baby had arrived because the same people had bought so much before.

There’s a difference between the compulsive shoppers and the people who just want to make sure they’ve done a lot of money for gifts. The second category of person now gets explicit instructions to buy an annual pass for x, y or z. The first category gets charity shopped.

I feel so guilty though. I know there are kids who won’t have got any presents for Christmas, who don’t have a choice of thirty (!) pyjamas to wear. I wish I could link up with them directly but instead I give what I can to my local basics banks.

OP at this stage I think you can outright reject gifts from the off. Or get people to store them at their own house.

I’m 17weeks and I haven’t bought any baby’s clothes/things and wouldn’t feel comfortable with them in my house. If someone tried to give me a load of baby stuff now I would say no sorry I don’t want baby things until baby is viable. Besides we need to clear all the things out of the room that will be the nursery.

I’ve also been setting the scene since we’ve told people that we don’t have space for lots of stuff and babies don’t need that much stuff.

I’m already known for being a bit woo about not having plastics and using reusable/washable things. So fingers crossed that reduces the amount of tat