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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bad and awkward for NOT breaking the rules

67 replies

Fannydango · 29/12/2020 00:00

All through the pandemic, I've followed the rules to a T. No matter how contradictory/stupid they've seemed, I just feel better knowing I'm doing the 'right thing' and hopefully not contributing to the spread. Yes, I know, give me a medal etc.

If I am doing the 'right thing' why do I feel so awkward about saying no to people asking me to break the rules?? I'm in tier 4 - the other day a friend asked if we could meet with our kids in the park. I assumed she hadn't realised we're not allowed to do that so I told her we couldn't so she replied "I know but I thought we could maybe just "bump into each other" there? No, we bloody can't! But I was squirming explaining to her that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Another friend asked if she could take my DS to play outside for a couple of hours as her DS is an only child and getting bored. Again, I said sorry, no but it took me an hour to come up with a way of phrasing it in a non-awkward way in a text. I sent the text 3 hours ago and have had no response so I've spent all evening worrying that this mum thinks I'm judging her.

This is happening all the time. Am I the idiot for just trying to comply with the guidance?? I'm so fed up of trying to think of ways to reply to requests like these without offending people.

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 29/12/2020 00:08

The guidelines say that your DS would be allowed to see his friend for outdoor recreation - you are allowed to meet with one person not from your house for this purpose, though obviously whether or not it's possible to follow social distancing depends on ages and personalities. Her DS is likely lonely not just bored. It may not be something you're happy with and that's fine, but it is ok.

As for the rest, you can just say no thanks or.offer an alternative (my eldest has online Roblox.playdates, would.that be a possibility?). Or maybe hint at a health issue or a friend who became unexpectedly ill that explains your carefulness without you feeling awkward or upsetting the school.mother crew.

Original poster
Fannydango · 29/12/2020 00:29

I thought you could only meet outside with one other person (if you don't live with them), so never more than 2 people at once?

OP posts:
Heartlantern2 · 29/12/2020 00:33

This is where I start to bend the rules- followed them to a T- I should get a medal too, but when I feel my children are being punished for it, as in your case that lonely boy wanting to play with yours I would have allowed it as long as the other adult was happy to stay away from me but I would let the kids mix.

Children not playing or being with other children is going to cause issues in the future.

Heartlantern2 · 29/12/2020 00:36

One other person but children under 5 don’t count, they can mix in school and that’s where they get to have a bit of a social life, children under four can mix and that’s where they get their social life.

I mean social life as in learning to be with others and all the things that come with it like playing Nicely and learning to share

StrawberrySquash · 29/12/2020 00:38

YANBU. It's really hard saying no to what should be reasonable requests/nice invitations, but are now illegal, even if for good reason.

BabyofMine · 29/12/2020 00:39

I completely agree with you to be honest.
Feel like I’m a mug half the time when no one else seems to be sticking to the rules.

The second example though, I think your friend with the bored son CAN take them to play on a playground. The tier 4 guidelines say you can use an outdoor playground with one other person (ie your son). The first example you couldn’t because it’s two of you.

To feel bad and awkward for NOT breaking the rules
arbiebarb · 29/12/2020 00:40

YANBU. I feel you, OP.

BabyofMine · 29/12/2020 00:44

Actually how old is your son? As a previous poster has said if he is under 5 you CAN meet as per the first scenario.

To feel bad and awkward for NOT breaking the rules
Original poster
Fannydango · 29/12/2020 00:49

He is 8. I read it as i could mix with someone from another household but if my child was with me, we would be a three and that wouldn't be allowed?

OP posts:
BabyofMine · 29/12/2020 00:55

I believe it is that one household (ie you and your son) can meet for sports and physical activity with one other person. So you could take someone’s child with you. Or you could meet a friend. But not child+friend. Unless friends child is under 5 in which case you can meet them both as under 5 doesn’t count.

Alternatively, friend+their child could take your son for outdoor activity but as he’s over 5 you couldn’t come too.

Clear as mud, I know.

Original poster
Fannydango · 29/12/2020 00:56

The second scenario- the mum wants to take my son out with her son but without me. I think some of you are interpreting the rules that she would be allowed to do that because she would be with someone from her household (her DS) but only one person from outside her household (my DS). But if you look at it from the other way around, my DS would be meeting with 2 people from another household - which is not allowed. I read it as only two people max from two different households can meet up outside.

Not correcting PPs - just saying i think there's some confusion Smile

OP posts:
Sittinginmyoodie · 29/12/2020 01:03

You have kind of answered your own question with this OP. The "rules" are unclear, open to interpretation and often not actually backed up by any legislation with which to enforce them.

This is why people break them. Most of them are probably doing it unknowingly. The rest are just sick of it all.

BabyofMine · 29/12/2020 01:03

Eh, I see what you mean. It IS all a bit confusing you’ve got to admit!! It’s all so shit these rules (not saying they’re not needed).

Maybe this will show you though that maybe your friends aren’t wilfully breaking the rules, maybe they’re as confused as me!

theThreeofWeevils · 29/12/2020 01:03

Children not playing or being with other children is going to cause issues in the future
It really won't, for the vast majority. Being a bit 'lonely' for a short while is not a big deal.

Chloemol · 29/12/2020 01:06

I think you just do what you think is right for your family and don’t worry about anyone else. Personally I just say it’s against the rules and leave it at that

It’s their problem if they can’t understand that youb don’t want to break the rules

Original poster
Fannydango · 29/12/2020 01:11

Yes, I think some friends are - understandably - confused, others just don't really care. I just feel really pedantic pointing out what we can and can't do all the time...

OP posts:
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 29/12/2020 01:21

Yanbu I ignored a text tonight from a friend asking when I'm popping round for a cup of tea and to collect the xmas presents she brought my family. I bloody posted hers to her before xmas. We are tier 4.

sneakysnoopysniper · 29/12/2020 01:55

I deal with customers in my work and I have a series of "set" responses which I use for various stressful situations. It means I make the right noises but saves me the stress of becoming involved on a personal level.

I would make up a line of argument for texts, emails or conversation on the following lines:-

"It seems to me this is against the rules and Im not comfortable with that. So I will thank you for your invitation but politely decline at this time and leave it with you."

Or equivalent in your own words.

The wording leaves the way forward for other meetings/interactions to take place at some future time when things are different. If they argue back or pester send the same message again.

1forAll74 · 29/12/2020 02:16

You have only just got to say, that you are sticking to all the rules, and that's it. Other people's ideas of the rules don't matter, so disregard other people.

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 29/12/2020 02:24

My understanding is that it’s any number from one household + 1 other (and any under 5s).

Chocowally · 29/12/2020 02:50

OP I’m with you. I’ve fallen out with family this Christmas for not wanting to ‘stretch’ the rules. Absolutely hate being forced into role of stickler/pedant.

Original poster
Fannydango · 29/12/2020 10:39

Yes that's it, isn't it @Chocowally - it makes me the rule enforcer - or fun police! I hate it!!

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 29/12/2020 11:54

Thing is, what if you did bump into them in the park? Genuinely? Your kid can play with or alongside any number of other kids in the playground, but not arrange to meet a friend there? This is why the rules make no sense.

MacDuffsMuff · 29/12/2020 12:15

OP I agree 100%. I'm past caring what people think now to be honest. I have a vulnerable DD and have not long finished cancer treatment myself so I'm not about to put either her or me at risk, despite being told I was 'over the top' and a 'sheep'. I go to work, she goes to school and we limit all our other activities for now. She's has constant zoom calls with her friends and meets one of them at a time for walks etc. We live in a tiny village and only one of her friends live here so they go for a walk most days and that's about it.

I am part of a running group and they are still meeting as a 4 (I declined to go with them) and running in the bloody dark. We are in Tier 4. Other can do what they like, as will I.

Itstheprinciple · 29/12/2020 12:18

@Sapphire387

Thing is, what if you did bump into them in the park? Genuinely? Your kid can play with or alongside any number of other kids in the playground, but not arrange to meet a friend there? This is why the rules make no sense.
This is what I can't get my head around. A child can climb all over a climbing frame with any number of children but you're not allowed to meet a friend with a couple of their kids in the same park according to the rules.

I'm not suggesting they should do this again but at least in the first lockdown when playgrounds were closed, it was clear to everyone what the rules were. You can see why people break the rules either knowingly or unknowingly because they are so random it's so difficult to follow them logically.