To feel bad and awkward for NOT breaking the rules

[Fannydango]

All through the pandemic, I've followed the rules to a T. No matter how contradictory/stupid they've seemed, I just feel better knowing I'm doing the 'right thing' and hopefully not contributing to the spread. Yes, I know, give me a medal etc.

If I am doing the 'right thing' why do I feel so awkward about saying no to people asking me to break the rules?? I'm in tier 4 - the other day a friend asked if we could meet with our kids in the park. I assumed she hadn't realised we're not allowed to do that so I told her we couldn't so she replied "I know but I thought we could maybe just "bump into each other" there? No, we bloody can't! But I was squirming explaining to her that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Another friend asked if she could take my DS to play outside for a couple of hours as her DS is an only child and getting bored. Again, I said sorry, no but it took me an hour to come up with a way of phrasing it in a non-awkward way in a text. I sent the text 3 hours ago and have had no response so I've spent all evening worrying that this mum thinks I'm judging her.

This is happening all the time. Am I the idiot for just trying to comply with the guidance?? I'm so fed up of trying to think of ways to reply to requests like these without offending people.

Its just crap, isn't it - the amount of fretting that goes into a reply so as not to offend anyone...

Yes. But I do think... if I'm COVID positive and have to think about where I've been and who I've seen in the last fortnight will I be happy with my answer?

The cases have absolutely shot up in our tier 4 county. I'm being extremely cautious now. No flexing of the rules here.

Very true @barebetty

I’m in tier 3 but have been under some sort of restrictions that means we haven’t been allowed to mix indoors since July, and have constantly been having to tactfully reject invitations/requests for playdates, carshares, drinks in people’s houses, even a party in a house where there were several kids and parents. I’ve started to just ignore messages and not reply at all.

It's horrible isn't it @ceeveebee ? I have some really good friends who I'm starting to turn against because they are blatantly flouting all guidance - and by that I mean, going out with different friends all the time, going round other people's houses, huddling together for selfies on social media etc

I am another who is now starting to bend the rules to allow my primary age child to see a friend in the park. Primary age kids are otherwise the only group who cannot meet a friend, and that’s very tough on them, especially as they’re not old enough to have WhatsApp etc like older kids and adults.

If we meet another mum and child, the kids go off and play and the mums stay well back from the kids, then that is effectively 2 groups each of only 2 people - I don’t go near her child, she doesn’t go near mine. Luckily at 8 they don’t need close supervision.

As to how you respond - I think “ah sorry we’re being really careful at the moment so can’t” covers it.

Going to people’s houses is a totally different level of rule flouting IMO

Actually yes I did use the “we are being really careful” line before Christmas as the plan was to spend Christmas Day with grandparents - best laid plans and all that!

I thought now the under 5’s rule had changed - so under 1’s don’t count in the numbers or under 5’s if they have a disability?

Anyways you have to do what you feel comfortable with. I’d prob let my son play in the park with a friend - they are outside and there are benefits to them to meet up.

@Dreamingofkfc children under 5 are still excluded from the numbers.

"Children under 5, and up to two carers for a person with a disability who needs continuous care are not counted towards the outdoors gatherings limit."

Like @minipie said upthread, it's now only primary age kids who aren't allowed to see anyone outside of school. Unlike plenty of parents around here, I don't think that the fact that they're in school together means that indoor playdates etc are ok, but still have started letting my 8 year old go out on a bike ride with his best friend while the friend's mum and I walk separately behind with my toddler in a buggy, they're easily a metre apart, outdoors, and as a single mum who has no nights without children and is in a bubble with my ex, I don't get to see anyone otherwise.

YANBU to do whatever you feel comfortable with and say no to anything else. We all have personal choices to make at the moment, whether to protect ourselves or others. My friends are constantly challenging the rules and trying to include me. I just say thanks but no.

I think anyone who is offended by you sticking to the rules 10p% is not someone you want in your life. Over the last 10 months, at various times me or others have declined things due to being uncomfortable and as far as I am aware, no one has been offended.

Personally, like others, the one rule I am bending is going to park with primary aged children and another adult with primary aged children. Plus when we go alone, we inevitably run into people we know. But I certainly would not be offended by someone who said they didnt want to do that.

The rules are really not complicated. You can meet ONE other person from another household (not including under 5s) so the person you are meeting can also only meet ONE other person, making 2 people over 5 in total. How can this possibly be interpreted as 1 person can meet several people from another household?! I am personally fairly comfortable with breaking this rule but the wording of the rule itself is perfectly clear

@SacramentoQueen

The rules are really not complicated. You can meet ONE other person from another household (not including under 5s) so the person you are meeting can also only meet ONE other person, making 2 people over 5 in total. How can this possibly be interpreted as 1 person can meet several people from another household?! I am personally fairly comfortable with breaking this rule but the wording of the rule itself is perfectly clear

Depends where you read. Agree it is the rule, but I'm usually ok with reading comprehension and still initially misunderstood because right at the top of the government's own Tier 4 guidance page it says "You cannot meet other people indoors, including over the Christmas and New Year period, unless you live with them, or they are part of your support bubble. Outdoors, you can only meet one person from another household."

Yes it specifies way down the page that one person only can meet one other person, but that's buried deep in after a ton of other details, it's entirely possible to misunderstand, especially when things have changed back and forth and between regions.

www.gov.uk/guidance/tier-4-stay-at-home

It is tricky OP. We have more or less stuck to the rules, and I feel this has created distance between DS(6) and his friendship group, whose families completely ignored all rules and have spent the last year in an out of each other's houses in each other's company. They are closer as a result both of the time spent together, and the expression of their shared values.

Similarly, we have bent the rules to spend lots of time outdoors doing activities with friends who were comfortable with this. We have grown closer to these friends, and drifted apart somewhat from friends who have been very cautious and avoiding social contact.

I don't know whether we will just forget all this and move on once vaccination has reduced the risk of infection. I suspect on some level we will remember who was on the same page as us in 2020, even if we knew it wasn't the right page!

@TheYearOfSmallThings yes, that's another thing I'm worried about - that all his friends have been seeing each other throughout and its creating a distance between him and them.