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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel bad and awkward for NOT breaking the rules

67 replies

Fannydango · 29/12/2020 00:00

All through the pandemic, I've followed the rules to a T. No matter how contradictory/stupid they've seemed, I just feel better knowing I'm doing the 'right thing' and hopefully not contributing to the spread. Yes, I know, give me a medal etc.

If I am doing the 'right thing' why do I feel so awkward about saying no to people asking me to break the rules?? I'm in tier 4 - the other day a friend asked if we could meet with our kids in the park. I assumed she hadn't realised we're not allowed to do that so I told her we couldn't so she replied "I know but I thought we could maybe just "bump into each other" there? No, we bloody can't! But I was squirming explaining to her that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Another friend asked if she could take my DS to play outside for a couple of hours as her DS is an only child and getting bored. Again, I said sorry, no but it took me an hour to come up with a way of phrasing it in a non-awkward way in a text. I sent the text 3 hours ago and have had no response so I've spent all evening worrying that this mum thinks I'm judging her.

This is happening all the time. Am I the idiot for just trying to comply with the guidance?? I'm so fed up of trying to think of ways to reply to requests like these without offending people.

OP posts:

Seeline · 29/12/2020 12:28

@Fannydango

The second scenario- the mum wants to take my son out with her son but without me. I think some of you are interpreting the rules that she would be allowed to do that because she would be with someone from her household (her DS) but only one person from outside her household (my DS). But if you look at it from the other way around, my DS would be meeting with 2 people from another household - which is not allowed. I read it as only two people max from two different households can meet up outside.

Not correcting PPs - just saying i think there's some confusion

I think you are correct. THe guidance says: You can continue to do unlimited exercise alone, or in a public outdoor place with your household, support bubble, or with one other person if you maintain social distancing.

ie with your household OR one other person whilst social distancing.

BlackLambAndGreyFalcoln · 29/12/2020 12:30

I am in tier 4. I've also followed all the rules throughout, but this now is the first and only rule that I will bend. If DD wants to meet her friend (one person from outside our household) in a park, I will facilitate this. She's primary age so too young to go by herself, so at least one adult needs also to be there which is a technical breach of the rules. But if they were a few years younger it would be allowed, as it would if they were a few years older (and therefore could meet up by themselves). Tier 4 could go on for months.

Seeline · 29/12/2020 12:31

Actually, this is even clearer:

You can exercise or visit a public outdoor place:

-by yourself
-with the people you live with,
-with your support bubble,
-or, when on your own, with 1 person from another household.

WoolieLiberal · 29/12/2020 12:32

No. We followed. Stayed in for Xmas and didn’t have guests round.

Don’t fancy spreading killer virus or ending up arrested. Simple as that.

thetaleunfolds · 29/12/2020 12:36

Simply said, just because you can do something doesn't mean you need to. If you're not comfortable doing something whether it's within the rules or not, just say 'sorry, we are choosing to continue to distance as a family, but I can't wait to be able to meet up when it's safer to do!'

RabbitBeaver · 29/12/2020 12:37

We’be followed all the rules. At the first lockdown my household didn't leave the house for 24 weeks. Thankfully we have a garden. We haven't had anyone round for Christmas and not left the house at all since school’s broken up.

unmarkedbythat · 29/12/2020 12:39

My DH is peeved with me today; I have a horrible cough and did and sent back a covid test yesterday. I'm 99% sure it's not covid as no other symptoms but can't go out until I get the negative result, obviously. I'm able to wfh (but badly. I really need this negative result asap because more than a day or two of this will drive me to drink) so that's fine, and DH thinks insisting I can't even go across the road to throw snow around with the dc is overkill and ridiculous and me being a lazy parent. I find people are all for The Rules until it suits them not to be!

Lougle · 29/12/2020 12:40

The rules are very clear. It is just 2 people outdoors, bar exceptions:

"You can exercise or visit a public outdoor place:

by yourself
with the people you live with,
with your support bubble,
or, when on your own, with 1 person from another household.

sneakysnoopysniper · 29/12/2020 13:14

One of the good things that has come out of CV19 is the opportunity to re-assess and re-evaluate relationships with friends and family and to make some fresh decisions that you can carry forward into the future, as appropriate.

One might be to do what you feel its right for you and your immediate family and not to be influenced by what others say.

Justcallmebebes · 29/12/2020 13:22

I'm in a small market town in tier 3. Not sure anyone here received the memo. I just keep my mouth shut now

Oooohbehave · 29/12/2020 14:59

If you want to follow the rules so strictly that it is deterimental to your child's mental wellbeing then that's your choice but I won't be. During the first lockdown my 9 year old DD was crying all the time, because she couldn't see her friends and I'm not putting her through that again.

loulouljh · 29/12/2020 15:03

I am not going to isolate my children again. If we are out and bump into friends well that's a very happy co-incidence.

TW2013 · 29/12/2020 15:14

At 8 I would be inclined to go to a park which has lots of open space and you walk with the parent while the two dc walk together but staying in sight. Each meeting one person not in their household so within the rules. Obviously though if you are vulnerable or shielding you might not want to which is fine.

OverTheRubicon · 29/12/2020 15:16

@Itstheprinciple I'm relaxed on some things, but actually I do think it's very different. If your child is on a climbing frame with others they'll be moving about and in any case (at least until this new variant) younger kids appeared less likely to catch and to spread it. However if you or I make an agreement to meet another friend with kids, we'll be standing around and chatting, the kids are much more likely to play longer and closer together, the risk is much higher.

Yes scenario one has some risk but it's more balanced. The alternative is to close playgrounds entirely like quite a few countries have done.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 29/12/2020 15:31

People stretching the rules to breaking point is the reason why some of us just aren’t going out. Lots of people aren’t really sure what’s the right thing to do and some are ignoring anyway. If you stay in and do what we’ve been asked to do, miserable though it often is, no one can criticise you and you’ll be protecting yourself and other people.

OverTheRubicon · 29/12/2020 15:45

@Lougle

The rules are very clear. It is just 2 people outdoors, bar exceptions:

"You can exercise or visit a public outdoor place:

by yourself
with the people you live with,
with your support bubble,
or, when on your own, with 1 person from another household.

Those rules are well down the page though, among the subheadings. If (as I did) you go to the gov.uk Tier 4 guidance, trying to do the right thing, it says "You cannot meet other people indoors, including over the Christmas and New Year period, unless you live with them, or they are part of your support bubble. Outdoors, you can only meet one person from another household."

It really isn't very clear. Anyone meeting indoors in tier 4 without necessary caring or work reasons is very clearly taking the piss, but it really isn't all very straightforward, even more so for the many many people who have more limited comprehension skills, whose are not fluent in English, or who just don't want to understand. It's been muddy throughout and it doesn't help anybody to assume that people who've misunderstood are either stupid or don't care.

OverTheRubicon · 29/12/2020 15:46

www.gov.uk/guidance/tier-4-stay-at-home

unassortedthoughts · 29/12/2020 15:51

I agree with you

And to the other posters? Even children mixing is a risk. What use is one mother not being there if let's say their household are infected, the child will pass it to op household?

Original poster

Fannydango · 29/12/2020 16:13

@Oooohbehave please don't assume I'm sacrificing my child's mental health. Yes, I'm sure he's not loving all this - who is - but he's not been crying/upset etc.

Overall, isn't it better if everyone just follows the guidance rather than individuals all deciding which rules they will bend and how? Otherwise where do you draw the line?

OP posts:

Oooohbehave · 29/12/2020 16:20

[quote Fannydango]@Oooohbehave please don't assume I'm sacrificing my child's mental health. Yes, I'm sure he's not loving all this - who is - but he's not been crying/upset etc.

Overall, isn't it better if everyone just follows the guidance rather than individuals all deciding which rules they will bend and how? Otherwise where do you draw the line?[/quote]
I apologise, I appreciate you're trying to do the right thing. I have been sticking to the rules in the main but not seeing friends really affected my DD and I don't feel the need to stop her being outside with other children who she'll be sat next to in class in a week's time.

mrsed1987 · 29/12/2020 16:26

I know exactly what you mean. My parents were trying to get me to go over on boxing day (tier 2 at the time so could meet Xmas day and we did). My husband point blank refused but it took me an hour to text back.

Then on boxing day she text me all about 'him opposite hasn't been home all night and her over the road has family over' clearly trying to make me feel guilty.

Original poster

Fannydango · 29/12/2020 16:31

@Oooohbehave that's ok, I appreciate your apology thank you - and I also appreciate how hard this is and that sometimes you've got to do what you can for the sake of your family's wellbeing.

OP posts:

HyacynthBucket · 29/12/2020 16:43

Totally agree with you OP. Could you just come up with some stock answer rather than trying to explain the rules each time? Something like, "I need to be extra careful at the moment, so can we take a raincheck until things are a bit easier?" No need to get into explanations or justifications, just keep it vague. You are doing the right thing.

museumum · 29/12/2020 16:48

I’m so glad to be in Scotland where our “rule of six” has always been “two households”. It means in our tiers 3&4 we cannot meet more than one other household which is far far more restrictive than England but also means that in tier 4 we with an only child can meet another parent and up to 2 children as long as they’re one household.

barebetty · 29/12/2020 17:41

I agree with you OP. I have a stock answer that 'it'd be my luck that I'd get caught and it's not worth it'

Most people are fine and don't push the issue.

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