...to want to smash up a toy from woman DH had affair with?

[scarecrow22]

I met DH in 2000 and we married in 2004. In 2006 I was signed off work with depression, a problem I’d coped with for many years.

In 2007 DH woke me up one night to say he couldn’t sleep because he felt so guilty he had had an affair with a colleague - and somebody I thought I’d shown friendship to. Let’s call her G. DH said he’d felt very lonely living with somebody who was depressed and always stressed and upset about work (where I was being bullied), and that G had been a really good friend, had been a listening ear and somebody he could share his stresses with. But it went too far. He told me he had told her he loved her and was going to leave me for her. I agreed to “forgive” him, but he kept trying to see her (platonically, so to speak), using greater and greater subterfuge.

The following year we had a child, DD (now just ten!) and things calmed down. G gave DD a gift of a small Playmobil racing car with driver, she got another boyfriend, had a son, then moved away.

I’m just clearing out DS’s toys and he too has grown out of the car, so it should be in the charity bag. But a couple of years ago, for work, DH went to the city where G lives, and saw her two nights in a row. He told me he wouldn’t and he hadn’t, but it cropped up in an email by accident. One evening was a social, another he visited her and her son, alone in their home.

Now I just want DC to go back to school, to put the car and blameless driver on the back patio, get a mallet from the shed, and smash them to smitherines. And then smash the smitherines.

I can see how this is really anger with my marriage, but AIBU or childish?

You stayed with him? And had children with him? And accepted a gift for your daughter, knowing it was from her? And kept it 10yrs? And are still with him after the latest lies?

Wow. You're a stronger woman than me.

Why would he visit her and her son...... is it just me that's thinking what I'm thinking....

You allowed it OP don't complain now.

My mother destroyed a toy that was given to me by the woman my father had an affair with. It came across as unbalanced and weird and threatening - emotionally out of control and destructive. I really wouldn't do this.

I absolutely agree with this. If you decide to do away with the toy, do it quietly. I see nothing wrong with donating it.

@scarecrow22 are you sure she moved abroad?

That's nonsense, @LoveMyKidsAndCats

There are more serious issues at stake than smashing up an old unused toy! I guess you were not in your right mind when the toy was first given. Your DH has zero respect for you. If you think staying together for your child's sake is the best way, then I pity you and your child. It's only the best way because you don't want to deal with the issues in your relationship.

@gingerbiscuits @NiceandCalm I realise I have been too passive, about all this and much more. Certainly I should have asked him to leave after the visit abroad (her job there can be seen on the employer’s website). But I didn’t. And he has stuck by me through very difficult times - I might have an illness, but it is still very hard to live with somebody with mood swings, long depressions, obsessions, and only half the energy needed to look after the kids and home. My family swear he still loves me, but I feel he has totally lost interest in me, and probably respect too.

This is unworthy, but I almoçamos bear the thought that When we bought this house I gradually paid more than half the equity through my own previous house purchase and inheritance. If we split, he gets half of that. That would seem fair, except that I lost my job in the summer of 2018 and it was only in November that he agreed to pay my half of all our expenses (mortgage, bills, food...) One reason he has been so reluctant is that he has taken out two massive loans to fund his hobby, which cost a huge amount to service. I’ve used up my pay-off, small savings and borrowed over £30k - from him - which he is clamouring to be repaid.

Sorry, long moan. But when I see him cuddling my son this morning I can’t bear to break that up.
And - and this is unworthy but true - I’ve put on 3st and feel crap about myself, and can’t believe I would ever meet anybody else.

To think I once had such a desirable and visible job, with a good income. I fear that is the woman my husband married.

Your anger is misplaced, you should be angry at your husband not a piece of plastic. I'd have binned that straight away anyway.

He has an expensive and time consuming hobby? how convenient.

He is gaslighting you and probably has for years, using your dc to ensure you stay and lowering your self esteem.

Smash the car when you have time to yourself. Say the things you want to say while smashing it, then put the smithereens in the bin. You’re a lot stronger than you think, just for having stayed and putting yourself through the wringer regularly for this chronic issue.

Phrase it this way: if your child had been 18, away at university when you found out about the work trip, would you still have stayed?

It’s impossible to disentangle the mental health problems from the husband problems as long as long as you’re together. Place yourself 8 years in the future and decide if you’d rather have spent that time rebuilding a solid career and resilience - 8 years is a lot of time and a lot can be achieved with the right intention and support, or whether you’re willing to bank on the care you may continue to receive from him.

Your latest post just makes it sound worse! He is clamouring for his £30K - what about you clamouring for him to pay you back for the equal share of the house deposit? Does it balance out?
Yes I'm sure he didn't bargain on your ill health when you got together and equally sure that having a child has made it even more difficult for him to want to leave also.

He's borrowed money for expensive hobbies? Does he have anything tangible to show for this or is his hobby the OW and her/their child?

What did you borrow £30k for?

He has only just started helping you out by paying your share for two months?? But he wants it back?? He wants it back because his hobby is very expensive?? He sounds like one of the biggest most selfish bastards going. I suspect he is also financially abusing you.

He is the cause of your ongoing poor mental health. How about your children deserving a mother who is well 100% of the time?

He won't get half the house, because you will need it for the children. Please see a divorce lawyer for clarity on that.

I will say it again: he is the cause of your ongoing poor mental health.

Dh and I don't "borrow" money from each other - we just have money which we spend when we need to. The fact that he still sees stuff as "his" and "yours" is a bit worrying too.

Yes I can see why you're not keen to leave but flip it round: do you think he's just waiting until the kids are old enough too? What happens in a few years when you're even older and he leaves? I think you need to start working towards independence now.

Why on earth did you accept the car gift? I would have put it straight in the him without opening ( preferably in front of her). Not unreasonable at all to get rid of it. What's your DH playing at visiting her and her son? He's not the father? You need to draw your red lines op and give some very serious thought to your relationship.

I'd smash the car up while it was tethered to your dhs bollocks tbh.

😂** 100% this!

I’ve used up my pay-off, small savings and borrowed over £30k - from him - which he is clamouring to be repaid.

Sounds like he is getting in his ducks in a row. Time to see a solicitor

Yes, I agree with @HollyGenneroMcClane - he could well be siphoning off his money, paying the mortgage so he can claim max on the split and planning to make off with other woman anyway...very suspicious. Like others said, family money is not borrowed. Who decided to keep your finances separate?

Don't focus on his good points - everybody can act; focus on the shit he has put you through - that's never an act.

Thank you to all the kind ladies here who took the trouble to read an over-long post, and reply with consideration (and humour!)

I’d sort of meant the post as a YES smash it up, or NO, you are being petty hanging on to all this - let it go - choice. But it has been salutary to face up to issues I bury away.

Thank you

@scarecrow22

Thank you to all the kind ladies here who took the trouble to read an over-long post, and reply with consideration (and humour!)

I’d sort of meant the post as a YES smash it up, or NO, you are being petty hanging on to all this - let it go - choice. But it has been salutary to face up to issues I bury away.

Thank you

Don't bury them Face them!

You deserve so much better
Believe it

Start taking care of yourself, tackle the weight gain if it's making you unhappy, get your CV together. What's his hobby? You sound lovely and deserve so much more than this farce.

One reason he has been so reluctant is that he has taken out two massive loans to fund his hobby, which cost a huge amount to service.

In whose name?
And are you sure the loans are not paying for child support?
What is the hobby?

Did he consult you about taking out the loans and what was used as collateral?

Haha you wanna smash a toy ??? You should have smashed your dh's affair instead. He is taking you for granted and neve stop seeing that other lady.

It's sounds more like YOU are the other woman in this situation op ....

OP I just want to say I’m so so sorry that your husband has treated you like this. He sounds totally selfish. Out of the whole mess the bit that keeps coming to me is that he woke you up in the middle of the night so that he could make himself feel better by announcing he’d cheated on you. I mean he could at least have waited until morning and let you deal with it on a full night’s sleep but instead... He is beyond self-centred and disrespectful.

I understand that it is incredibly hard to leave him what with the DC and finances etc. But my fear for you is that living with someone who has no regard for your feelings must be very bad for your depression. I’m not surprised you have put on weight, most people would comfort eat in your situation. And that again feeds the depression and so on.

Talk it through with a counsellor to get some perspective on it all. I don’t think he would necessarily get 50% custody, he might not even want it, but I totally understand the horror of having less time with the children. It might not play out that way though. Explore options.

You don’t have to end it overnight but I would suggest taking some steps in that finding out how to do that, should you decide to. And I certainly wouldn’t be repaying him any money he ‘lent’ you given what you say about house equity and so on. If you eventually divorce, finances can be sorted out then. If you stay married then he can learn a thing or two about joint finances.

Talk to counsellors, solicitors, women’s helplines and so on. Take time to reflect and disengage from this toxic person. And know that one day things will be better.

Best wishes OP xx

I would make him smash the car up. Record him doing it and send it to G.