...to want to smash up a toy from woman DH had affair with?

[scarecrow22]

I met DH in 2000 and we married in 2004. In 2006 I was signed off work with depression, a problem I’d coped with for many years.

In 2007 DH woke me up one night to say he couldn’t sleep because he felt so guilty he had had an affair with a colleague - and somebody I thought I’d shown friendship to. Let’s call her G. DH said he’d felt very lonely living with somebody who was depressed and always stressed and upset about work (where I was being bullied), and that G had been a really good friend, had been a listening ear and somebody he could share his stresses with. But it went too far. He told me he had told her he loved her and was going to leave me for her. I agreed to “forgive” him, but he kept trying to see her (platonically, so to speak), using greater and greater subterfuge.

The following year we had a child, DD (now just ten!) and things calmed down. G gave DD a gift of a small Playmobil racing car with driver, she got another boyfriend, had a son, then moved away.

I’m just clearing out DS’s toys and he too has grown out of the car, so it should be in the charity bag. But a couple of years ago, for work, DH went to the city where G lives, and saw her two nights in a row. He told me he wouldn’t and he hadn’t, but it cropped up in an email by accident. One evening was a social, another he visited her and her son, alone in their home.

Now I just want DC to go back to school, to put the car and blameless driver on the back patio, get a mallet from the shed, and smash them to smitherines. And then smash the smitherines.

I can see how this is really anger with my marriage, but AIBU or childish?

@AnyFucker @bringingonbackthegoodtimes I asked him once if it was his. He denies this. I have always had a niggle because G found a new boyfriend and got pregnant very quickly, then dumped the guy almost as soon as the baby was born. But I see how much DH loves our kids, and how he was with my DD (our AFB), and it's hard to see how he could have had almost no contact with another child of his. On balance I don't think G's son is DH's, and not just because I'm blind, but there is always the niggle.

@lottiegarbanzo I promise you that DH has never once struck me. He has hurt me in many different ways, but all emotional/psychological. But thank you for caring and asking: I can see how my attempt at brevity created a wrong impression.

[quote scarecrow22]**@AnyFucker* @bringingonbackthegoodtimes* I asked him once if it was his. He denies this. I have always had a niggle because G found a new boyfriend and got pregnant very quickly, then dumped the guy almost as soon as the baby was born. But I see how much DH loves our kids, and how he was with my DD (our AFB), and it's hard to see how he could have had almost no contact with another child of his. On balance I don't think G's son is DH's, and not just because I'm blind, but there is always the niggle.[/quote]
How did you know what G was up to ? Are you so sure he has little contact, physically or financially?

Abusive doesn't mean violent. It means mentally and emotionally abusive too.

Where did you get the idea that 'staying together for the children' meant protecting them from an abusive father?

Yes, are you sure there has been little contact or involvement?

I would have shoved up your DH arse long ago

IT, shoved IT

@scarecrow22

Many of you - rightly - question why I have not left him. Firstly, I had a breakdown in 2016 and was in various psychiatric hospitals for six months, in no small part due to some horrors of living with him. But recovery is still ongoing and one the days or weeks I can’t cope well he is a huge help.

Also, I can’t bear the thought of having only half the weekends with DC, half the Christmases, half the holidays. I love them being at home (in theory!!) with me.

When I was younger and people talked of couples staying together for the children, I assumed they meant to protect the children. That is clearly a colossal factor. But, selfishly, it there is this other ‘for the children’ reason to stay.

Completely understand that whole not wanting half being a reason to stay. Totally get it. How do you plan on making yourself mentally well while you navigate a marriage lacking in trust though,OP?

Perhaps because if your children are alone with their father on a contact visit without you then you cannot intervene if they are manipulative?

@LIZS @mathanxiety She moved abroad, so I would know if he saw her there. There are many dysfunctions in this marriage, and his visit to her a couple of years ago caused damage that will never be repaired, but this is simpler than it sounds. I didn't say she moved abroad as I am wary of giving too much detail.

@Tistheseason17

Another one here who thinks her son may be your DH's.

This was my first thought too. It’s odd he’s stayed so close to her. It’s not easy living with someone with really bad depression, enough to be sectioned, but he could have gone to therapy sessions with you. If he really cared he would have sought advice from professionals on the best way to support you in your recovery. Instead, he cheated on you before and after you had DC.

Dump his stuff outside and change the locks. It’s time to stop giving him chances.

@lottiegarbanzo

Abusive doesn't mean violent. It means mentally and emotionally abusive too.

Where did you get the idea that 'staying together for the children' meant protecting them from an abusive father?

@lottiegarbanzo

I take your point about abuse. You are right and marriage is a lonely place to try and unpick what is and is not acceptable, and how to act on it. Thank you.

Whatever I wrote was badly worded: I used to think that staying together 'for the children' was to protect (meaning shield) them from the emotional turmoil of their parents splitting up and adjusting to having two homes.

You have opened my eyes to women who stay with their partners so DC are not alone with them: this is one of the few situations in life which deserves the moniker 'tragic'. My heart goes out to them.

Your husband has been having an affair with the same woman for 10 years.
I think a toy car is the least of your problems.
Im sorry about your mental health problems.
You might find they improve when you stop living with a man who you cant trust and doesnt respect you.
He should have been supporting you to get better.
Instead he looked after his own interests, namely his dick and his ego.

Oh I see.

I can understand the desire for security, normality and practical support that keeps you with a very imperfect person. Especially when he's the father of your DC and will put in the effort to look after them, when you're feeling less able. The balance between mental integrity and a practical safety net must be a difficult one to negotiate.

If you did leave though, he'd still do the right thing as a father, wouldn't he? So, while I appreciate your point about 'losing half' of so many important things, the upside of that is that, if you did need some time alone for health reasons, he'd be there to look after the DC and keep things normal for them.

Having that practical safety net would relieve you of a lot of potential worry about being solely responsible for them, whatever happened with your health, wouldn't it?

Oh OP, 10 years of living with a cheating lying piece of shit, how have you put up with it?

And he had the temerity to blame it on your depression - but he stayed and had two children with you, so he clearly didn't think your depression was that bad or he presumably wouldn't have done that. So no, it wasn't your fault OP.

Don't stop at the toy car, OP. Smash up his actual car while you're at it.

My mother destroyed a toy that was given to me by the woman my father had an affair with. It came across as unbalanced and weird and threatening - emotionally out of control and destructive. I really wouldn't do this. If your child ever finds about it, whatever the age, it won't come accross well. (In my case I found out about it after it had happened and it felt - well, as I said, unbalanced and out of control and a bit weird and creepy -that's a child's perspective.)

The toy is really just a distraction. The real problem is unhappiness and resentment built up with your DH, unexpressed and simmering. It would be far better to find a real way to deal with that. Even if you destroy the toy, the lying DH will still be there, and all the years you've spent with him when, from the sound of it, you might well have been happier leaving.

If you can see that some of your MH issues are caused by the 'horrors of living with him' is it not logical that they would improve dramatically and that maybe you would cope if you didn't have to live with him? I just wonder whether a well, happy mum wouldn't be better for DC, even if they can't be with you 100% of the time.

Complete fxxker.

This is NOT on you.

Take great care OP.

He doesn't have your back.

Protect yourself please.

He doesn't deserve you

I have a post about similar in relationships. Have been told to grow up and accept they have a valid relationship now but I totally agree.
I can't even look at my 14 to DD in the hoodie ow bought her. It's death by a thousand cuts. Do it!!!!!

OP, do you have shared bank accounts? Would you know if he was paying money to her each month?

I’d have binned the car as soon as it arrived tbh and I’d have binned the husband years ago too.

This disloyal, selfish man has treated you with contempt for years and has played a major part in your MH struggles.

When you were vulnerable he decided to cheat. Even after waking you to unburden his guilt , he chose to continue lying and cheating. So much for true remorse. His inappropriate relationship with OW never completely ended, as evidenced by his visiting her for 2 days and lying about it. I would assume that they’ve always been in touch.

What consequences did he suffer after betraying you again?

This man lacks integrity. I wouldn’t sabotage my well-being by staying with him.

Get rid of the toy however you choose. Then get rid of your husband. You deserve way better than him.