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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DC of they want to attend funeral

64 replies

Sensitivefuneralchange · 27/12/2020 22:02

MIL tells me she thinks the Dc should attend a funeral (their cousin) They are older children and I would like to ask them

i don;t think they should be made to go.

OP posts:
Poppins2016 · 27/12/2020 22:03

YANBU, I think all children should have the option to decide.

toodleloooo · 27/12/2020 22:04

YANBU to ask them. Also not unreasonable to leave it if they say they don't want to go, for whatever reason.

Emmie12345 · 27/12/2020 22:05

Yes , just ask them

They should def be given the option

Maybe just afterwards if not the service itself

cariadlet · 27/12/2020 22:05

Definitely up to them. They shouldn't be made to go if they don't want to.

Original poster
Sensitivefuneralchange · 27/12/2020 22:05

Apparently no afterwards is allowed due to the lockdowns, just funerals.

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 27/12/2020 22:06

I had always given my children the choice whether to attend family funerals or not. They have always chosen to do so, which I think helped them through the mourning process.

Original poster
Sensitivefuneralchange · 27/12/2020 22:06

"I think they should be there" I was told. Argh. yes I did say I think I will ask them

Only problem could be if schools are closed - may mean we as parents could not attend otherwise

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 27/12/2020 22:07

I was never taken to funerals as a child. I wish I had been. I find them tough as an adult now.

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2020 22:08

I don’t think anyone should be forced to go to a funeral but is there a particular reason they wouldn’t want to?

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2020 22:09

@Honeyroar

I was never taken to funerals as a child. I wish I had been. I find them tough as an adult now.
I’m from a West Indian background and it’s very much the norm that children attend and I think that’s better.
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/12/2020 22:10

Just wondering how old is "older"?

GlowingOrb · 27/12/2020 22:11

Funerals are often an obligation. I would explain to the kids that they should go. If they strongly object, talk to them about the consequences of that, but yes, I would probably let them have a say. The thing is though, if they are old enough to have an opinion they are also old enough to understand that their presence can be very important to other people and sometimes we make sacrifices for people we love.

Dd did fairly recently have to attend a funeral where her presence wasn’t really required, but we simply had no non-stranger babysitter options available and it was far enough away we weren’t ok leaving her at home. I just explained that mom and dad needed to be there and that meant she had to go too.

Original poster
Sensitivefuneralchange · 27/12/2020 22:13

Just wondering how old is "older"?

11 and 13

OP posts:
ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 27/12/2020 22:14

Without any ages or knowledge of the relationship how can we possibly tell?

Original poster
Sensitivefuneralchange · 27/12/2020 22:14

So they could stay for the morning at home I suppose if schools are off.

OP posts:
Lairyfightzzzz · 27/12/2020 22:15

Personally my expectation is that they ought to go.

The British are very weird about death, IMHO.

WitchDancer · 27/12/2020 22:16

My boys school gave us 2 days authorised absence, which meant we had the day after to spend quality time with them and made sure they were ok.

xyzandabc · 27/12/2020 22:17

'Older children' but not old enough that you could leave them at home whilst you and dh went. But old enough that they would understand making a choice to go or not. How old are we talking here?

Personally I think it's a good thing for children to go to funerals of people that they knew. It's a fact of life and makes it less scary and daunting as an adult if it was seen as a 'normal' part of family life in childhood.

Is there a reason why they wouldn't want to go? Mine are 13, 11 and 8, I'm not sure I would give them an option of not going. I would just tell them we were going as a family to X's funeral and explain a bit about what was going to happen. Much the same as a christening or wedding, just something we all attend as a family.

If they didn't know the person then that's different, I wouldn't expect them to attend in that case.

titchy · 27/12/2020 22:18

Why couldn't you attend if schools are closed? They're plenty old enough to be home alone for a while. Though I think they should probably be persuaded to go.

If the cousin was getting married they'd doubtless attend. Should be the same for funerals. Can't just go to the nice events.

ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 27/12/2020 22:18

Would their uncle/aunt appreciate them attending? You seem not to want them to to.

rainyskylight · 27/12/2020 22:23

Mmmm. Perhaps best to factor in the circumstances of the cousin’s death and how old they were. I went to a funeral when I was 12 for my granny and it was sad but fine as it was the natural way of life and death. But the most painful funeral I’ve been to was for a 25yr old who took his own life. The place was packed and it would not have been appropriate for teens / children.

I’m sorry for your family’s loss.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 27/12/2020 22:26

Please ask them. I was just never allowed to go to family funerals, even one at 14 yrs old and I never forgave that.

Pipandmum · 27/12/2020 22:28

If they are 11 and 13 and decide not to go then surely they could stay in their own unless the funeral is some distance away? Were they close to the deceased person? My children came to any family funerals (grandparents and their father) from the age of four, not the reception after as they would be very bored.

1stMrsFatherChristmas · 27/12/2020 22:29

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what a difficult time this must be for the whole family. I have 11yos. I think I would set an expectation that as family members they would attend, and talk to them about how helpful attending could be, but if they said they didn't want to go, I wouldn't force them. They attended their DGM's funeral last year (and the only thing they found traumatic was the huge amount of attention they got from all her friends none of whom they knew, but all of whom knew them from her grandparent boasting!)

2bazookas · 27/12/2020 22:30

Maximum attendance at funerals is 30. If the deceased had many friends/large family, the close family might have to limit numbers by excluding younger children. I'd check their plans first.