To ask DC of they want to attend funeral

[Sensitivefuneralchange]

MIL tells me she thinks the Dc should attend a funeral (their cousin) They are older children and I would like to ask them

i don;t think they should be made to go.

I would take them if

1. They are asked and genuinely want to go.
2. If there is space as numbers at funerals are currently very limited.

When my uncle died recently we had to choose who would go to represent the family as we couldn't all go.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm Irish and so was automatically brought to funerals from a baby, I think my Nana brought me to more removals than parks, playgrounds and beaches combined!
However I do have friends who struggle with funerals as adults because they have strong upsetting memories of funerals from childhood.
I think a large part of it depends on how you and/or your DH will be able to manage your own grief, the most upsetting thing for children is to see their parents distraught.

I didn't get taken to my much-loved great grandma's funeral at 10 and I was very angry at my mum about it - she thought she was doing the right thing, but at 10 I was aware that funerals were a way of saying goodbye and I felt robbed of that.

I'd present it to them as you think they should come as it can be a good way to say goodbye, but that the decision was up to them.

I would also bear in mind, that a funeral now may not be typical of funerals in general.

Speaking as someone who, as a child, experienced many losses and funerals...
ALWAYS give them the choice.

Funerals should never be forced onto anyone. Especially a child. Equally they can be a good way to say goodbye but it requires wanting to be there for that to be the case. Everyone grieves differently and funerals are for the living. Please give them the choice.

I agree, that if there is room in the limited numbers, and if the close family are happy for them to be there, then it should be the choice of the individual children. I completely disagree they should be expected to go, if they don't want to.

I am often out of sync with most MNers on the subject of funerals though. I've been to LOADS of funerals - most of which haven't been my close family, so therefore incorporating you'd have thought, lots of different family values and ideas (I 'steward' at funerals sometimes), and it is incredibly rare to have children there, other than occasionally a set of Grandchildren. I am always surprised how many people say they would take young children to funerals of people other than or even including their Grandparents.

So sorry, that is very sad.

I’d just ask them. Generally I think funerals are a good idea as a chance to say goodbye, so personally I’d say that, and then leave it up to them.

Nobody should have to go to a funeral and at those ages they definitely get to choose .

In my family the children would go to a cousin’s funeral. But it depends on what’s normal in your family and, crucially, what the bereaved parents (not your MIL) think and want.

DD is 13 but has SN. She went to both her grandparents funerals in the space of 9 months. When her Dad died one month after her grandpa's funeral she refused to go to the funeral. She said that she found the "funeral box" scary and hated the part where the curtains closed.

I would not have forced her to go. It very much depends on the child.

I attended a few as a child and am honestly glad that I did, DH had never experienced one then lost his grandad in his mid twenties and he didn't know how to deal with it or what to expect. My parents always asked us if we wanted to go, they did always say that we should go, but ultimately if we decided not to and to grieve on our own that was fine and they'd support us in that.

So is it your husband's neice/nephew who has died? What does he think?

Unless there are special needs or mental health issues at play here, I would expect children of that age to attend a cousins funeral. I'd feel very hurt if my brother didn't bring his children if I had the unimaginable burden of burying my child.

Are you certain there is even space for them? Depending on where you are in the country numbers allowed can be very, very limited. We were allowed just 20 at MIL's funeral. An aunt was only allowed 15. Both of those meant immediate family only, and in the case of my aunt, not even that (big family!).

30 allowed apparently. Thanks for the replies, all helpful