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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DC of they want to attend funeral

64 replies

Sensitivefuneralchange · 27/12/2020 22:02

MIL tells me she thinks the Dc should attend a funeral (their cousin) They are older children and I would like to ask them

i don;t think they should be made to go.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2020 22:31

They should definitely be encouraged to attend, and also educate them that funerals are not only to celebrate the life that has been lost but to support those who are left behind. I think it's terrible that some parents deny their children the experience of attending funerals.

HazeyJaneII · 27/12/2020 22:34

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it should be up to the children.
My dcs (14, 13 and 10) didn't attend their Nanna's funeral in June, as they didn't want to, and that's ok.

Ginger1982 · 27/12/2020 22:34

Thru shouldn't be made to go but they should be allowed to go if they want to. Funerals should not be seen as frightening things. The first one I ever went to was my own father's when I was 13,

MaggieFS · 27/12/2020 22:36

Ordinarily I would say they should be given the choice and agree with pp that death isn't a topic to be shied away from, however, if the deceased is their cousin, is s/he also quite young?

I think it's one thing to attend the funeral of a grandparent, quite another to process the death of someone of similar age.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 27/12/2020 22:37

How old was the cousin who died?
I think Tbh you should discuss with your children and decide together if they should do.
Is the cousin your MIL grandchild? Maybe they could attend the wake if they don't want to go to the service?

autumnboys · 27/12/2020 22:40

I took mine to a great aunt’s funeral when they were younger than that, but I knew I would be able to keep it together etc.

At their ages, I would ask them. Funerals are quite limited in numbers for people attending at the moment, so check there’s space.

autumnboys · 27/12/2020 22:42

Sorry, also, I am very sorry for your family’s loss. I can’t imagine how hard it is to go through this.

BackforGood · 27/12/2020 23:01

They should be given the choice.
Presumalby though, there will be a lot of people who would like to be there, and very limited numbers.
Why try and force persuade people who do not really want to go.
Would watching the service streamed be an option ?

Sally872 · 27/12/2020 23:05

At 11 and 13 I would expect them to go, I think it is part of the grieving process and may help them. Also it teaches them to show support to the parents/siblings/grandparents of cousin.

If they didn't want to go I wouldn't make them (I wouldn't miss the funeral personally either though). I wouldn't be presenting it as optional though.

copernicium · 27/12/2020 23:24

I didn't take DD to a funeral when she was 10. She cried when she came home and found out I had been that day and not told her. She's 14 and still remembers.

Hercwasonasnowball · 27/12/2020 23:27

I'd ask them but be prepared for them to not know and want to be guided by you.

Randomrebel · 27/12/2020 23:29

If 11 and 13 I would definitely ask them.

If primary school age 4 and 6 or 6 and 8 I would maybe not ask them but by secondary school age they should be ok.

trixiebelden77 · 28/12/2020 00:02

@rainyskylight

Mmmm. Perhaps best to factor in the circumstances of the cousin’s death and how old they were. I went to a funeral when I was 12 for my granny and it was sad but fine as it was the natural way of life and death. But the most painful funeral I’ve been to was for a 25yr old who took his own life. The place was packed and it would not have been appropriate for teens / children.

I’m sorry for your family’s loss.

I’ve been to several funerals of friends and colleagues who have died from suicide, what would make them not appropriate for children?
WeAllHaveWings · 28/12/2020 00:25

At 11 and 13 I would explain to them what the funeral is about, what happens, that people may cry, it's OK to cry and then give them the choice letting them know there is no obligation and no one will judge if they don't as it is a personal thing.

When ds was 10 he chose not to go to his grandads funeral, but went to the funeral tea then back to the house after. At 12 he chose to go to a relatives funeral.

Serin · 28/12/2020 08:16

I'm going against the grain, but I'd say it very much depends on what type of funeral it is likely to be.
At 11, I was taken to the funeral Mass of our parish priest. He was in an open coffin and I had to walk past carrying the offertory and then queue up next to him for communion. It was the most sombre and darkest of affairs. I hardly slept for weeks afterwards.
By contrast when I went to the funeral of a Jamaican friend and it was a real celebration of his life. There was a presentation about his life with loads 9f 0hotos I hadnt seen before and lots of singing/dancing from his kids and so joyous.

DinoGreen · 28/12/2020 08:29

My dad is Irish and as such we went to a lot of funerals as even very young children - it was never suggested that we wouldn’t go. I think it greatly helped have a good attitude to death, mourning and funerals in general. Funerals aren’t scary and it’s ok to see adults cry. A school friend of mine lost her dad at 7 and wasn’t allowed to go to his funeral as her mum thought it was be too much for her, but she’s never forgiven her mum for it.

Porridgeoat · 28/12/2020 08:32

You could attend regardless. It’s your cousin and kids are old enough to spend a few hours on their own

Porridgeoat · 28/12/2020 08:34

It’s quite healthy to attend although really sad there’s no wake as that is usually the nice bit and quite special

Nacreous · 28/12/2020 08:36

Agreed on the open coffin feature. I've been to plenty of funerals and they have all been fine but I definitely wouldn't make children attend one where there was going to be an open coffin. That's the sort of thing that would probably still give me nightmares for weeks, but I would force myself to deal with it. No chance I would be pushing my children to.

Otherwise yes, I think I would expect them to go at that age. If they really didn't want to then I wouldn't make them if they could stay home on their own for the morning though.

Calmandmeasured1 · 28/12/2020 08:51

I think they should be given the opportunity to attend but agree they shouldn't go if they don't want to. However, that might bring up some practicalities if, say, the younger one didn't want to attend as they are too young to leave at home. Death and funerals are a part of life and, with some sensitive explaining about what goes on, DC of their age should be fine to attend.

For those saying just to attend the Wake, because of the covid rules most people aren't having wakes. While up to 30 people can attend a funeral in a Covid secure venue, only up to 15 people can attend a wake. They must not be held in private homes. If food is served at a wake it must be done as a sit-down meal, so no buffet spread. In tier 3 and 4 hospitality won't be open for this to happen.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 28/12/2020 09:03

In normal circumstances, I'd ask the children whether they would like to go or not.
Currently, I'd check the COVID restrictions for your area - if the number of mourners is restricted, ask the parents of the deceased first, then have the conversation with your children. There is little point in asking your children (or MIL sticking her nose in) if restrictions mean that they are not able to attend, or the parents would prefer not to have children at the funeral.

I was about 13 when my grandfather died - I attended the church service, but not the burial.

Generallybewildered · 28/12/2020 09:05

Obviously Covid makes things different and you don’t indicate the age or circumstances of the cousins death but my children (12&10) have attended quite a few funerals as they were luckily enough to have 5 great grandparents and 4 grandparents when they were born. We’re down to 1 and 3 now and they have attended all funerals but with the input rising each time - first was just the wake, then the church service and wake. They haven’t yet done the crematorium bit as that is often the saddest (and the last was 4 years ago) but would next time. The only funeral they didn’t go to was a younger family member who died tragically in an accident leaving his young pregnant wife. We felt that was likely to be inappropriate.

I would be wary about “giving a choice” but that depends on how you think the child might react. I wouldn’t give them the choice to avoid an important family event unless you felt they would be unnecessarily upset.

nosswith · 28/12/2020 09:08

Check that no-one from the close family or someone such as the deceased's neighbours can all go if they do, and then ask them. Give them the option not to go bur encourage them to go.

It will be the only occasion they will meet some of the family for a while, even without a wake or gathering afterwards.

Monkeypeas · 28/12/2020 09:08

I would say you should take them. Talk to them about it and explain that it isn’t a scary thing and it’s a way of saying goodbye as well as showing support for the immediate family.

You can show them videos of funerals on YouTube so they’ll know what to expect but shielding children from a normal human event builds it up into this massive thing.

What would be the fear that they might witness? Tears, emotion, upset? Children should see that those feelings are ok and in my experience it’s a good way to then talk about positive memories of the dead person.

dementedma · 28/12/2020 09:10

Only 20 allowed here in Scotland, and fewer if the venue is small. My father's funeral will be on Jan 4th. I have given my young adult children the choice whether they want to attend or not, and am not bothered if they say no. I 'd rather give it a miss myself but I'm the only one of 5 siblings who can make it due to Covid/overseas etc. I think funerals are artificial constructs which just upset people ( and put financial pressure on families). Dad's not there, he's gone and it all seems s bit pointless. Whenever we asked him what readings etc he would like at his funeral his response was always " I don't care, I'm not going to be there to hear them"
( This isnt meant to be a goady post so sorry if some people find it upsetting)