“He wouldn’t be where he is if I hadn’t sacrificed my career”

[BooFuckingHoo2]

I am expecting a flaming for this .

AIBU to think this is often untrue? I know many men with stay at home wives and kids who, in all honesty, whilst happy to have kids (because the wife does all the wifework) would probably have been equally happy with either no kids or extensive wraparound childcare and an equally high earning wife.

I often see it trotted out on here “I sacrificed my career to look after our children” - but the for the majority of women (aside from some exceptions e.g. husband working abroad) I’m sure it was a welcome choice and not something they were strong armed into. In my experience (unless childcare costs eclipse the wife’s salary) the husband is usually indifferent (aside from the wankers who want a trophy wife) as to whether the wife works or not.

Equally “he wouldn’t be where he is in his career if it wasn’t for me”. I’m sure there’s a small minority of women who’ve accelerated their husbands career but I think for most, they’d have been the same with or without their wife, although granted possibly with no children or higher childcare costs.

AIBU?

Your reality is quite a privileged one, in my experience.

I don't disagree but nonetheless it's my reality & certainly not usual in my part of London.

Oh I'm shit at keeping up with the school comms but that's because they communicate via the app, email, teams, scopay. I can't keep up!

unusual not usual

And of course, a lot of these people with more inflexible jobs are supporting and subsidising and working around the lifestyles of the better paid, enabling them to be more flexible at the expense of the less well off - because to pay them fairly and give them the same flexibility would make it too expensive and difficult for the more well paid to have the flexibility they expect. Your flexibility will always come at someone’s expense at some point down the line.

I'm not sure how you can lay that at the door of working mothers?

@jillypill - I’m not sure why you think I am. I’m laying it at everyone’s door.

I must admit I thought this at one time - that DH needed me to support his career by giving up mine.

But actually when a few years later I got an amazing opportunity and asked him to step up and do half of everything, he cheerfully did.
And we raised kids whilst both having full on careers - he’s a lawyer and I’m a film producer.

I don’t know why I assumed he couldn’t or wouldn’t. But I was surrounded by middle class women who sort of ran with that narrative and so I did too (pathetic I know).
Thank God I woke up.

I’m not sure why you think I am. I’m laying it at everyone’s door.

Probably because you put

Your reality is quite a privileged one, in my experience.
and then Your flexibility will always come at someone’s expense at some point down the line.

Now who's being disingenuous....😆

Your flexibility and anybody else’s - or are you so self-centred that you thought I was only talking about your flexibility? 😆

@Walkaround, maybe you are expected to say 'One's flexibility'...

I must admit I thought this at one time - that DH needed me to support his career by giving up mine. But actually when a few years later I got an amazing opportunity and asked him to step up and do half of everything, he cheerfully did.

Possibly he needed you at home during the small child years and when he was more junior, but a few years later the kids were less hard work and he was more senior and at that stage he was able to step up and do half?

I know things have changed a lot for us from having two under 5s to two primary age children, and as DH has got more senior in his job. Much more is possible now. That doesn’t mean it would have been possible for us both to work full on the whole way through.

Your flexibility and anybody else’s - or are you so self-centred that you thought I was only talking about your flexibility?

So you were talking about my flexibility as well as others?

Your flexibility will always come at someone’s expense at some point down the line.

In what way is my flexibility at the expense of someone else?

I really don’t think it’s about you specifically Jilly. I read it as a societal comment. Husbands used to have greater flexibility at work when wives were SAH, in general. As wives have become less SAH, guess where the childcare and housework have generally shifted to? Yes, other women, being paid close to minimum wage.

@jillypill - well, if you care to tell me about your life in detail, I can tell you where you are relying on people in inflexible work to make your life easier.

Well I was trying to clarify that & the response was

Your flexibility and anybody else’s - or are you so self-centred that you thought I was only talking about your flexibility?

Seems like I've been lumped in there @quest1on don't you think?

@Walkaround perhaps you should have asked that before you assumed?

What do you need to know?

@jillypill - lumped in there because you are a member of society, or do you think I should have carved a special exemption out especially for you?! Do you not believe in society?

The coming home at 8pm isn’t necessarily working late. Lots of people have long commutes. Particularly here in the SE. H’s last job the hours were 9-6.30. His commute was about 1.5hrs so even if he left bang on time he walked in at 8pm

Ok great it was directed to everyone on this thread. I don't disagree there is a wider discussion to be had on that topic. I personally chose a childminder as I preferred that option & was more comfortable in her receiving the money as opposed to a nursery.

How do you reconcile your part to play in that issue?

@jillypill - Do you use home delivery services? Can your cleaner change her hours at short notice? How much do you pay her and how far away does she live? How many other people’s expectations does she have to juggle at the same time? (It’s not as if she can work from home). Have you ever used a childminder, nanny, nursery or other childcare service? Do you think your child’s teacher can always see their own child’s nativity plays? Do you think zero hours contracts always enable flexibility for the employee? Do you think your husband’s workplace would continue to function if every parent with children dropped their kids off in the morning before coming into work and left work for the day if their child needed be picked up early unexpectedly? Do you think everyone in your workplace can afford to live close enough to where they work that ever dropping their children off at school would be feasible without making them several hours late? Would your life be as easy if you had to pay far more for your cleaner, home deliveries, paid childcare, etc, so as to enable other people to have a bit more pay and flexibility?

Nursery fees of £2K a month for 8-6, meant finding a 9-5 (live in london, so pretty much an hour to get anywhere). There are not many 9-5 jobs with a salary that can take that hit, of which only £2k is tax free. I was the bigger breadwinner before kids but I have been leapfrogged by DH now. Two kids a year apart meant part time work only as almost £50k a year for childcare was unfeasible. For emergency childcare, we paid £250 a day to meet deadlines etc. There is also the issue of nurseries needing money upfront and being paid in arrears. It would have been too much of a financial hit for us. I try to stick to part time now.

When he was recently made redundant, I opted for full time contract (since fallen through as company's main client has gone bust). It doesn't matter which one of us is working the most, but when kids are very young, childcare itself can be too expensive, so I can see why me not working allows him to work more freely, with less stress and vice versa.

@Walkaround why don't you answer all those questions first & tell us what you do?

The statement in the title of this thread is just made up. The OP doesn’t even bother trying to claim this is something that someone she knows goes on about.

I wonder what it is about SAHMs that some people feel riled / threatened by? It comes across as jealousy mostly, I think and these threads often reek of it, sadly. Maybe not jealous of the role itself, but the choice to have that role at all. I don’t know? Maybe they feel going to work = feminism and that SAHMs are letting the side down, or something like that? I don’t know exactly what it is, but I can understand how it must seem like a very privileged situation to be in if you are working flat out to make ends meet. Or you have a husband who expects you to work, whether you would prefer to or not. I can understand how some people could get resentful - this is where all the exaggerated stereotypes about SAHMs come from. But I do know, people who are generally content in their own lives have no need to wonder or worry about anyone else’s set up or motivations in life. No need to start threads with bland, stereotypes either.

Also, how many men have been asked, how are you finding being back at work and balancing childcare? Men tend to get asked how they are sleeping. When a man mentions his partner returning to work after mat leave, are they really ever asked how they're finding the childcare?!!!

How many women are greeted with "ah what a great mum" when they are walking around with little ones? My OH gets it all the time. He IS a great dad but is only doing what dozens of women get no recognition from strangers for!

@jillypill - in all honesty, I don’t think it is resolvable under neo-liberal capitalism, because by necessity that downgrades essential work economically to free others up to do other things, and human beings then have a tendency to downgrade it further by failing to appreciate its real value, because they have been trained to value worth through the lens of economic wealth and to justify injustice on the back of the pretence that you only get involved in essential work if you are incapable of doing anything else, so refusing to fairly share the wealth that was only possible to be created because someone else was helping to cover the essential bits for you.