“He wouldn’t be where he is if I hadn’t sacrificed my career”

[BooFuckingHoo2]

I am expecting a flaming for this .

AIBU to think this is often untrue? I know many men with stay at home wives and kids who, in all honesty, whilst happy to have kids (because the wife does all the wifework) would probably have been equally happy with either no kids or extensive wraparound childcare and an equally high earning wife.

I often see it trotted out on here “I sacrificed my career to look after our children” - but the for the majority of women (aside from some exceptions e.g. husband working abroad) I’m sure it was a welcome choice and not something they were strong armed into. In my experience (unless childcare costs eclipse the wife’s salary) the husband is usually indifferent (aside from the wankers who want a trophy wife) as to whether the wife works or not.

Equally “he wouldn’t be where he is in his career if it wasn’t for me”. I’m sure there’s a small minority of women who’ve accelerated their husbands career but I think for most, they’d have been the same with or without their wife, although granted possibly with no children or higher childcare costs.

AIBU?

@Waferbiscuit I think at the end of the day people do what they see as best for their family. Me and fiancé are lucky to be in a position where if we did have kids one day I can be at home with the kids so he can focus on his career. This is because having worked as an au pair for some high earning families and having worked in a day care that was quite costly I know I that this was not a family set up I would like for my kids. Seeing as I do not want to pay someone to look after my childern or house and fiancé feeling the same we discussed and seeing as he has the higher earning potential once the time comes this is the set up that would make the most sense for us

@scepticalface82 - that’s pretty rare tho. Most people can work and look after their kids.

Why would all these high flying career men want kids and a family if they were working so many hours they would never see them. The fact is they would of quite happily continued in their career without a family maybe had a few girlfriends on the side and probably be just as happy.

If I had a great career earning lots of money I would probably not marry, just have boyfriends as and when I felt like it and have a child much later in life.

I see what you're saying OP. A lot of these men would be where they are career wise if they didn't have children.

However, they have benefitted from having a wife who looks after the kids while they work...and they haven't had the hassle of worrying about childcare. They have been able to do their jobs in many cases totally unaware of company policies on special leave or childcare support, as it's never been their problem.

I don't think a lot of the women who are SAHM would be any further in their careers, if they actually even had a career in the first place.

I also don't think the men who are where they are all have SAHW....even when women work while married, they still deal the majority of arrangements for childcare and I think that goes unappreciated and unrecognised by men.

I would advice people at the beginning of having kids to really discuss this beforehand, as it can cause a lot of problems down the line.

@ReadyFreddy your post is hilarious. Because if a woman said her main reason for wanting to step up was because she wanted to start a family - she would've laughed at and would not get the job.

@lovepickledlimes - why are you and fiancé in that position? Do you mean he has a job that pays well or you don’t?

I often see it trotted out on here “I sacrificed my career to look after our children” this is strange. I’ve been posting here for decades ands don’t often see this trotted out at all.

Obviously staying at home to care for your children is obviously going to impact your career just as paying for childcare is obviously going to impact your children. You make your choice and pay the price.

@ReadyFreddy - do you work in the 50s?

@ReadyFreddy - a woman only needs to take two weeks maternity leave. The rest can be taken by the baby’s other parent. Things have moved on you see..,,

@ReadyFreddy

if a woman said her main reason for wanting to step up was because she wanted to start a family - she would've laughed at and would not get the job.

Surely because of the inescapable biological reality that it’s hard to step up your career whilst on maternity leave.

How long is maternity leave compared to a working career?

@CayrolBaaaskin he has a higher paying job then I would be able to earn but I do have a independent income that combined with his wage does allow us to live rather comfortably.

Do you have young children and no family around to help?
In the financial sector and many jobs where you have to work long hours, one of the parents takes a step back. It’s not possible to find a very accommodating nanny/childminder who can do nonstandard hours at your wish. Finding an after school nanny in London...don’t get me started. It’s like finding a unicorn.

In my last job, not only were all my colleagues male, but all the clients were also male and all of them had SAHW.
If you compare this to Europe, this is crazy.
I blame the system in the UK.

@ReadyFreddy - doesn’t sound like the modern world to me,

But if you had stayed in work wouldn't it have been higher?

Well that was partly my point; when I stayed in work I was treading water. People I had managed as juniors before my mat leave were getting promoted above me once I returned. There was a company-wide pay freeze which meant any prospect of a bonus or pay rise was non-existent for the foreseeable. Also, the industry I worked in was just completely incompatible with being a working parent. It was media, so very young, sexy, lots of networking at the pub after hours, pitch teams bonding over having to pull all-nighters. When you have to be out of the door at 5pm every day because nursery shuts at 6 on the dot, it’s very hard to build a profile. After a few months back from mat leave I realised that I only knew my immediate team and maybe three or four other people in a department of 100. Whereas before, I knew who almost everyone was.

(Anyway, that’s a lesson learned in hindsight about not choosing to work in an industry that is only good for childless people or men with SAHW.)

The point is, I could have stayed treading water for who knows how long with DH and I slogging our guts out, being a bit skint, never having much quality time. Until DH got this opportunity and then it was like - we could have more money and more time together but it would mean us divvying things up differently so you take the kids and I take the job. It made sense for us. But I understand that it might not for other people.

Obviously staying at home to care for your children is obviously going to impact your career just as paying for childcare is obviously going to impact your children. You make your choice and pay the price.

Does all childcare impact children negatively? I said upthread we had a nanny even though my mum didn't work, she was fantastic. I've used a childminder for the older dc for subsequent mat leaves.

@May172010 - it’s not impossible. I worked in the city as a single parent with a nanny and no local family support. It’s not true that a sahp is needed. That only seems to apply to men for some reason.

I definitely take the point that some careers are not compatible with dc.

I agree to a point. Unfortunately a lot is down to education. Girls are not taught how to choose a good partner.

Some are...DH and I have spent quite a lot of time explaining to our girls how to spot an arsehole and what attributes make a good husband or partner.

@jillypill - totally don’t think good childcare has any negative effect on children at all. My dds loved their nanny but I was no less their mother