“He wouldn’t be where he is if I hadn’t sacrificed my career”

[BooFuckingHoo2]

I am expecting a flaming for this .

AIBU to think this is often untrue? I know many men with stay at home wives and kids who, in all honesty, whilst happy to have kids (because the wife does all the wifework) would probably have been equally happy with either no kids or extensive wraparound childcare and an equally high earning wife.

I often see it trotted out on here “I sacrificed my career to look after our children” - but the for the majority of women (aside from some exceptions e.g. husband working abroad) I’m sure it was a welcome choice and not something they were strong armed into. In my experience (unless childcare costs eclipse the wife’s salary) the husband is usually indifferent (aside from the wankers who want a trophy wife) as to whether the wife works or not.

Equally “he wouldn’t be where he is in his career if it wasn’t for me”. I’m sure there’s a small minority of women who’ve accelerated their husbands career but I think for most, they’d have been the same with or without their wife, although granted possibly with no children or higher childcare costs.

AIBU?

No not always. Not all men have what it takes to be successful and achieve a career without a vast amount of pushing in the right direction.

I completely resent it to be honest.

I don't blame you!

RUOKHon
I didn't mean you did, sorry if that was badly expressed.

I think you will find that most SAHM will tell you they wanted to be one AND they play an important role in family life which is equally as important as the financial earner
I don't doubt the contribution is equal and haven't said otherwise.

I just question whether the sheer number of people on here who claim there's no way their husband could possibly have his career if it wasn't for their huge sacrifices (which positions their decision as altruistic for his benefit and essential to his success). If someone wishes to be a SAHP because it brings them joy & they want to, then great,just own it instead of pretending that they had to be cajoled into it/oh I had to because DH is very big and important and he couldn't have a career without me being home.

Equally, there's no way that every very important husband on mumsnet has a big important job that's so demanding it is incompatible with family life to the point where their partners have no choice to be home as there's no other options.

Just to reiterate, I'm not questioning whether people should be SAHP. Live and let live. It's the spin that dominates on here that I'm cynical about

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

On reflection No I’ll not be fucking off. Tell me without swearing what you object to in my post Can you do that? *@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping*

try to read my post?

@RUOKHon women in their 20s & I think early 30s now outearn men.

These are high achieving individuals who’d achieve highly whether they had a sahp or not @scepticalface82

@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping
I've definitely made the wrong career choice (NHS doctor!)

I will be doing everything in my control to make sure DD doesn't do this

you can't become such a controlling mother that you refuse to accept your daughter's choices. You can't become one of the bitter poster who jump over themselves to abuse SAH parents.

@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping the ill tempered fucks and insults rendered your post forgettable.

Women cannot win.

I agree with this, I really struggled after dc1 because I wanted to go back to work but I felt I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I felt guilty because motherhood wasn't enough for me. I could quite easily throw myself into a better paid more consuming role & thrive in it. I hold myself back because I'm not supposed to want that.

[quote gypsywater]@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping
I've definitely made the wrong career choice (NHS doctor!)[/quote]
what's your point? You managed to study and become a full time working NHS doctor without any help. Good for you.

I don't know anyone who managed that, without either family help or paid help.

You are better than most people. Congratulations.

Maybe write a book and explain how a mother is supposed to manage without help when they have to travel for work, that would be interesting.

Im the higher earner, but also mat leave comes into play. If we're deciding purely based on money, it's obvious DH should be the SAHP. But I know my little one much better due to my paid mat leave. Those who share parental leave might fare better.

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping the ill tempered fucks and insults rendered your post forgettable.[/quote]
You are on MN. We are allowed to swear. Don't be so precious dear.

But before lockdown I had just managed to get a work from home job which means I am in for their taxis which the La insist I have to be in for, well at least an adult has to be in for, but I have failed to employ someone who will work 30 minutes 3 days a week, 10 minutes in the morning and 20 in the afternoon. They don't actually need care once home so long as no one puts any demands on them.

Give the LA hell! If their risk assessment states that they need a PA on transport, that’s their responsibility not yours! Get in touch with SENTAS for some advice. Here our LAs hire passenger assistants, who obviously only work at those times - it shouldn’t be your responsibility to hire someone!

I’m in London.we both work, I’ve worked straight through,in fact I’m working more
Two working parents It’s not hardYou throw money at it

Context is relevant here.

For example, are you and your husband on six figures each with a live-in nanny? Because most people aren’t.

@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping
Wow! I think you've got the wrong end of the stick there! I dont have DC! Christ alive woman!!!!!!! What's up with you?! Talk about misunderstanding!

Not all men have what it takes to be successful and achieve a career without a vast amount of pushing in the right direction.

Do many women need vast pushing in the right direction by their partners?
Why is it necessary to push these men?

Actually a little upsetting

@jillypill

Women cannot win.

I agree with this, I really struggled after dc1 because I wanted to go back to work but I felt I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I felt guilty because motherhood wasn't enough for me. I could quite easily throw myself into a better paid more consuming role & thrive in it. I hold myself back because I'm not supposed to want that.

Just do what you want Plenty of roke models

Role models

women in their 20s & I think early 30s now outearn men

If they’re in their early 20s and 30s they probably don’t have kids yet!

And that doesn’t change the fact that historically, there has always been a gender pay gap.

For example, are you and your husband on six figures each with a live-in nanny? Because most people aren’t.

But surely in examples where the DH has the big job that isn't compatible with family life he's earning 6 figures.

@Foxglovii

My H says clearly he could not do his job if I did what I wanted to be doing work wise. He needs to travel randomly (outside Covid) with little notice, as well as weekly. We'd need a live in nanny, or two, to make it work. We have neither the cash nor space for that.

He's actually said we can't get divorced because he couldn't cope with managing the day to day lives of the kids.

He also is not good socially and I've managed a lot of the social aspect of his job when we were abroad.

I have definitely sacrificed my career - and pension and future income potential. I'm currently doing part time study so I can hopefully work again.

I completely resent it to be honest.

I had absolutely no idea the full impact over the long term that being at home with the kids would have on me. Nobody told me, I'd not read Mumsnet until well after that decision was enacted and it's hard to know what you don't know and can't see or hear.

I will be doing everything in my control to make sure DD doesn't do this and that DS never expects his wife/female partner (if he has one) to give up her work to support him. And why.

You don't need his permission to divorce him

• Women cannot win. Shamed for being SAHM Shamed and insulted for having a busy career

The only option is a little boring job around school hours. So again, fuck off with your dated views. You might enjoy your boring life, others want more, and they are not "absent" mother or "absent" father*

You forgot shamed for having a job that fits around their kids.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

These are high achieving individuals who’d achieve highly whether they had a sahp or not *@scepticalface82*

Of course. And for others with children, the support of a SAHP is extremely valuable.