“He wouldn’t be where he is if I hadn’t sacrificed my career”

[BooFuckingHoo2]

I am expecting a flaming for this .

AIBU to think this is often untrue? I know many men with stay at home wives and kids who, in all honesty, whilst happy to have kids (because the wife does all the wifework) would probably have been equally happy with either no kids or extensive wraparound childcare and an equally high earning wife.

I often see it trotted out on here “I sacrificed my career to look after our children” - but the for the majority of women (aside from some exceptions e.g. husband working abroad) I’m sure it was a welcome choice and not something they were strong armed into. In my experience (unless childcare costs eclipse the wife’s salary) the husband is usually indifferent (aside from the wankers who want a trophy wife) as to whether the wife works or not.

Equally “he wouldn’t be where he is in his career if it wasn’t for me”. I’m sure there’s a small minority of women who’ve accelerated their husbands career but I think for most, they’d have been the same with or without their wife, although granted possibly with no children or higher childcare costs.

AIBU?

This won't go down well on here, but yes, I get a bit tired of reading about how so many posters "can't work" because they have children. When all the women in my workplace have children...

Well, some of us discussed it very carefully, weighed up the pros and cons, took financial advice, invested in the appropriate insurance and pensions, reviewed the situation regularly.
But I appreciate not everyone does that.

YABU. My Sister is the breadwinner. Hubby does the one day childcare a week that they can't afford. We often joke that she does her work for the comfortable life of her whippets. They would literally not be able to afford their home if she stopped working. I am finding it weird that you are even thinking that is is just men who earn the lion's share.

No I think you are sort of right. I don’t think my husband would have been bothered if I worked part time or full time from a logical POV.

However he has been affected by my mental health when I worked full time as I really struggled with the long hours and wrap around care. Getting part time allowed a better life balance and I was generally happier to be around.

It’s not the same for everyone and I probably only know of a handful of men who actually wanted their wife’s to be sahm.

Apparently having children is beneficial to a man's career when it is often detrimental to women's - presumably men with children are seen as more dedicated putting in the hours they do because they have other commitments, and businesses traditionally thought family men need more money to support their families and promote accordingly. So men with kids reap the benefits of their wives efforts to raise their kids for them.

The husband might have been in the same place career wise, but might not be as well mentally or have such a healthy/happy lifestyle, without the SAHM.

Always be wary of what a married man has to say, it's usually completely different to what he says to his wife, or what he actually wants. Men do want the complete package as well as women.

p.s. I don't have children but I think the enemy here is childcare costs. But I notice it always comes from the persopective of the woman earning less money.

We’ve been discussing this at work recently, as we have a level of management that is overwhelmingly female and above that is almost exclusively male. The majority of the women have kids, and the vast majority of the more senior males have stay at home wives.

It’s a easier to stay later at work, go for a drink with the boss and dedicate more of your attention to work if you know you never have to be the one to deal with a childcare emergency.

And I say this as the higher earner in my relationship (and a female), but I think one partner has to decide to de-prioritise their career if the other wants to be a high flyer.

I do know many women who chose to stop working and look after their children, as working was just too hard, and their partners earned a lot. But they would phrase it as having sacrificed their careers for their husbands. I am embarrassed to say that I was one of them. I have now worked full time for 15 years since my younger child started school, and I cringe at what I said back then.

I wasn’t honest with myself, as I enjoyed being at home for my own sake, even though it incidentally no doubt benefited my husband and maybe my children. Nothing wrong with staying at home, but I was being disingenuous at the time as to my motives. No excuse for that.

Of course others will have genuinely made a sacrifice that I did not.

My OH would be equally happy (happier maybe) with a high earning wife and extensive childcare. But I don’t think he realises just how extensive it would need to be given he is out of the house 7-7 every day and also away weekends to grow his business.

If I had the same working pattern we’d have more money, we could afford wrap around care but we’d hardly see our kids.

That’s not what I want for myself as a mother or my kids.

So maybe I can’t say I sacrificed my career for him. I sacrificed it for the kids I guess and my own fulfilment as a mother. But we could both have middling careers and shared the childcare more which I think I would have preferred.

But it’s hard to tell isn’t it because so much is wrapped up in culture and patriarchy and expectations?

BTW I am not a stay at home mum but I work part time and flexibly so that I can be there for drop offs/pick ups and home stuff. I earn significantly less than him and also less than I could. Partly due to the sector I work in though. I am well respected at work and have had a couple of promotions since having the kids. But I do find it hard to progress to a different organisation or to give the focus I would like to thrive due to the part time.

I agree that many of them may have been unbothered about having kids. But I don't think they would be fine with extensive wrap around childcare and a high earning wife UNLESS it was still organised without them having to do anything and still not on occasion have to cover childcare and take time off work if the nanny is sick etc

They are indifferent about their wives working so long as the decision doesn't restrict their freedom to put themselves first. Fine pre-kids when they are happy for their wife to be travelling for work etc because they are capable of washing their shirts and feeding themselves but once kids come along, it gets more complex

Obvs not all men etc etc. But most of them

Yabu completely so. I didn’t realise how incompetent he was until I had missed a sizeable part of my career. It’s a sacrifice for definite.

Women who don't want to give up their careers rarely do if they have a choice about it.

It's totally fine to choose other things over your career. Be true to yourself. But yes, if it's what you wanted, then it isn't a sacrifice.

@MojoMoonojo moon Exactly !

I worked while my DH had to travel for work. I couldnt have worked in a job where the expectation was that I would travel or work late. I didnt accelerate his career. He earned it himself. But he couldnt have done the job without me to pick up childcare for OUR DC. I dont care for the implication that the poor man gets tied down by having DW and DC. I'm not a hanger on. I contributed just as much as he did. He contributed more money than me but somebody had to be available for pick up from nursery/ school.

Well.... I'm not sure. I think what they mean is that their husbands would have struggled to have the high flying career and a family. But maybe some men would happily forgo the family bit if they had to make sacrifices, they go along with it if it's easy and their wife really wants kids.So in some ways those women are right....

I think 2 full on careers can be hard with young dc but 90% of my friends work pt. Surely a higher earner makes it easier as childcare isn't prohibitive?

Yabu completely so. I didn’t realise how incompetent he was until I had missed a sizeable part of my career. It’s a sacrifice for definite.

What do you mean incompetent?

My relative has a big job, her colleagues who earn £££££ pretty much all have SAHWs & they are workaholics.

But he couldnt have done the job without me to pick up childcare for OUR DC. I dont care for the implication that the poor man gets tied down by having DW and DC. I'm not a hanger on. I contributed just as much as he did. He contributed more money than me but somebody had to be available for pick up from nursery/ school.

Playing devils advocate, emergencies aside surely he could have hired childcare for school drop offs/pick ups?

I’m not implying anyone gets tied down by the way, they’re big boys who can choose for themselves!

I see quite a lot of blokes who "wish she'd work/work full time" BUT have zero intention of picking up the childcare slack. Without exception I'd asked them "ok, so if your wife worked FT and one of the DC was unwell, would you share half the last-minute days off? And will you do 50% of school/nursery pick-ups and drop-offs?" only to be told that "that's different - children need their mothers more".

Loads of men want their wives to earn more, so long as there is zero impact on their own lifestyles.

What makes you think you know more about other people's relationships and careers than they do themselves? What vested interest do you have in devaluing the SAHP's contribution to the family? Is it that you have a somewhat desperate psychological need to vindicate your own choices? See that question doesn't feel very nice does it? Judging you like that would be uncalled for wouldn't it?

I think, in general, you are right. Many women don't sacrifice their career to have children. They want children and after having them they decide they don't want to miss their milestones and choose not to return to work or want to work part time so they have a better work-life balance.

I agree completely. I remember my late dad who was lovely making the comment he wasn't that bothered about having children but went along with my mum who really wanted them. I think the driving force is v often women always going to be exceptions but generally. Also sorry but too many women don't set themselves up career wise assuming they will have children and be off.

I’m a bit half and half here; I don’t really understand when women say they can’t work because they’re husbands work such long hours; it’s in no way easy but I found childcare that worked around my job and worked full time so I could keep my career going. However I do think that my DH wouldn’t have the career he does without me; what I do at home allows him to put the hours in that he does and if we split up he’d have to massively scale back on his work and his business wouldn’t do so well.
I’m going to let my career plateau by going back part time now I’ve had my second DC but that’s for the sake of spending extra time with my DC and in no way for my DH. To sacrifice my career would feel very risky.