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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too anxious for big wedding - WWYD?

52 replies

Drivingthroughfords · 27/12/2020 18:07

I've been with my partner for 7 years and we're in our 30s now. We've both been quite casual about marriage, but have recently got engaged. Yay!

HOWEVER, as much as I can't wait to be married to DP, I'm so anxious about a wedding. I feel like my friends and family would expect me to have the standard wedding with all the trimmings, but I absolutely hate being the centre of attention! The thought of having to do a big aisle walk, first dance etc. fills me with nerves. Inwardly, I'm quite shy, although most people wouldn't know that unless they really know me.

Ideally, I'd have something tiny such as a registry office ceremony with just our close family and closest friends, then throw a big party in a village hall with a big buffet. Part of me though is worrying that I'll regret having the "big day". Has anyone done this?

Please help!

YABU - Suck it up and have the "big day" - you'll regret it if you don't
YANBU - A small wedding + party sounds fab!

OP posts:
Original poster
Drivingthroughfords · 27/12/2020 18:08

Also, DP is happy with either! He's shy too so I think a small do would actually suit him as much as me!

OP posts:
Nonamesavail · 27/12/2020 18:09

Same as me.

I had small wedding outside in Scotland. Only 6 people. Everyone said it was amazing and it suited me as I was happy and comfortable all day

fourandnomore · 27/12/2020 18:10

Have the wedding YOU want! Sounds perfect for you and everyone else. I don’t think anyone has expectations of others’ weddings and if you’re in your 30s do whatever you please, loads of people have smaller weddings these days abe a big party after would be fab. Congratulations - the worst thing you can do is plan something for other people and not yourself.

FTMF30 · 27/12/2020 18:10

I think the biggest regret would come from not doing what you truly want. Wedding days should be enjoyed, so have a small wedding andcenjoy! I personally love small weddings! They're so much more fun.

Sparklesocks · 27/12/2020 18:10

Everyone should do the wedding they want. I know it’s easier said than done when family put pressure on you, but at the end of the day it’s your decision and as an adult you can do it however you please. Some people love big, extravagant weddings with tonnes of guests whereas others just want a nice meal in a good restaurant with their nearest and dearest. Marry the man you love on your terms and don’t let anyone push you into anxiety and dread over what should be one of the best days of your life.

Haggisfish · 27/12/2020 18:11

Organise it relatively quickly so COVID means is has to be small!

DrizzleandDamp · 27/12/2020 18:11

Get married in about a month then you can get away with the no guests Wink

melissasummerfield · 27/12/2020 18:12

Have your small wedding, I had an OTT wedding and still feel sick about how much money we wasted on it, although it was lovely at the time!

Laiste · 27/12/2020 18:12

You wont regret having a small wedding.

And if you ever did wake up one day with a personality transplant suddenly wanting a big do you could organise one for a vow blessing/remewal :)

Laiste · 27/12/2020 18:14

renewal

Fiddlersgreen · 27/12/2020 18:15

I’m shy too and hate being the centre of attention, my DH is the same.
For our wedding we invited only close friends and family to the ceremony and meal (it ended up being about 30 people plus some kids)
We didn’t do a first dance, much to some people’s horror! And we didn’t have speeches, also to some people’s horror!
We did stand up and say a few thank yous of course but that, and walking down the aisle, were the worst parts of the day for me. I stuttered and went bright red but at least I was on the company of only my very favourite people!
We both loved our wedding day as we did it our own way

vanillandhoney · 27/12/2020 18:15

We had a small wedding - 6 of us in total (me, DH and both sets of parents). It was perfect and I wouldn't swap it for anything.

VimFuego101 · 27/12/2020 18:15

@Haggisfish

Organise it relatively quickly so COVID means is has to be small!
This. You have the perfect excuse. Even if something bigger than what you plan is technically allowed, just tell people you don't want the disappointment of having to reschedule if rules change again so you're keeping it small and simple.
Original poster
Drivingthroughfords · 27/12/2020 18:16

Thank you all!

I just love the idea of having no stress on the day and going for a lovely meal afterwards, then "eloping" straight away to a nice cabin in the forest or something. The party would be on a separate day so I could then don a dress and let everyone eat, drink and have fun without all the formalities that make me feel nervous!

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 27/12/2020 18:18

Only the 2 of us at our wedding in New York. Perfect. Pissed a few people off but we didn't care. Had a fabulous 2 weeks there.

Original poster
Drivingthroughfords · 27/12/2020 18:18

For those that had a small wedding, what did you do? Was it in a registry office or a private venue? Did you go out for dinner afterwards?

OP posts:
GoodnightKevin · 27/12/2020 18:18

Do it the way you want. You want to be able to look back with fond memories.

I'm the same as you - I hate being centre of attention and balked at the idea of walking down the aisle, first dances, speeches, walking around and greeting everyone. Also the idea of putting people out and feeling like I was forcing them to be there for me when they likely have a multitude of other things they could be doing. Fortunately my husband agreed and we decided to elope. We ended up marrying in Manhattan city hall with 2 strangers as witnesses. Afterwards we went to a sports bar for beer & burgers, then went up the Empire State Building at night. It was perfect and I always look back relieved that we went for it instead of placating extended families and having a traditional wedding

toconclude · 27/12/2020 18:20

Went to usual Sunday morning service, stood up in the middle, got married, sat down again. Small party afterwards. Brilliant. 35 years ago and we'd do it exactly the same way had we to do over.

FuckOffDailyFailure · 27/12/2020 18:20

Honestly, nobody with an ounce of sense should give a shiny shit about you choosing to have a smaller wedding! You crack on Xmas Smile.

Hippee · 27/12/2020 18:20

I had a big wedding but I didn't have a receiving line or speeches. It was very relaxed. I guess the only difference between that and a big party was the going down the aisle (which was hilarious - I just kept looking at people and almost being surprised to recognise everyone). But if you don't want a big wedding, Covid is the perfect excuse.

Calmandmeasured1 · 27/12/2020 18:20

If you are both shy then just do what suits you and have a small, intimate wedding. If you are in a tier that allows weddings, why don't you do it now and use covid as as an excuse to minimise attendees?

LeSangeEstDansLarbre · 27/12/2020 18:22

I was you. I have a huge family, my husband next to none, so it would have been very one-sided, and I had been to endless big frothy weddings among my cousins etc. It was the norm. But I couldn’t bear the thought of a massive do, all the stress, and being the centre of attention, and neither could my husband.

We had eight of us at the wedding, in a beautiful room in a hotel - us, our parents and the solitary sibling and their partner. We had a lovely, short, intimate ceremony, drinks, a three course lunch, and then went off on honeymoon the same afternoon. If was perfect, and we’ve never regretted it in the almost 20 years since. If anyone is offended that you don’t have a big wedding, they’re not worth having in your life. Make it the day you want and will remember fondly.

Original poster
Drivingthroughfords · 27/12/2020 18:22

I'd love to do it now but the truth is that I have about 4 stone to lose and I really want to feel confident for the pictures (even if they're taken by a family member!). Blush

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 27/12/2020 18:26

Do whatever you want. Small and simple registry office, or you can get some very unique and beautiful small venues such as lighthouses with a max of 20 guests.

Iwantmychairback · 27/12/2020 18:26

I loved my wedding. In a lovely registry office, with beautiful gardens for photos afterwards. No one there that I didn’t know, just a group of friends and family that we socialised with anyway. Back to my mums house for drinks and a buffet. It was perfect!
My sister on the other hand went for a full Catholic wedding with 50 guests to a sit down meal and another 100 to the night do. Again, a lovely wedding, but I would have hated every minute of that.